not doubt. not fear. and definitely not back and shoulder pain. advil has the strength and speed to help you move past pain and make today yours. advil. make today yours. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm not a r >> stephen: tonight a new benefit for collegiate lets. for one day only, we're putting an i in team. then is america running out

of a favorite food? or did we just lose it in our folds. and my guest is kentucky basketball coach john calipari, damn, i had the coach from duke in my bracket. market analysts say that ipad fever is cooling. meanwhile kindle dysentery still runs rampant. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: hell yea!, boom, right there, oh yeah, welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!

>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. please, please, sit down, folks, in here and if anybody at home is standing up take a squat, folks, you watch this show. you know i love numbered lists. one, two, three. i could go on. the main reason i love them is because america is always at the top. we are number one in billionaires, worker productivity, and percentage of population behind bars. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes. hell yeah! eat that rwanda. but sadly i may be falling out of love with lists. here's the number one reason why. >> hello, canada, are you number one. that's the finding at a new report canada's middle class passing america. for the first time as the

most affluent in the world. >> in canada average income workers have enjoyed a nearly 20% raise since 2000. but here in the u.s. middle class workers wages have been virtually flat for 14 years. >> the u.s. has now been surpassed by the middle class in canada. >> yes, canada's middle class is beating ours. their workers are bringing home more of the bacon. and worse, it's that round [bleep] (laughter) no longer will people around the world aspire to the american dream of a house, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids. no, now it's the canadian dream of a beaver dam, a maple syrup moat and 2.5 members of rush. i don't know about you, but i don't want to teach geddy lee to play catch. how is canada's middle class

doing so well? i mean they've got socialized medicine, subsidized child care and high taxes for the rich. i mean it politely boggles the mind. (laughter) i think there are only two possible reasons why we are falling behind the ice hold. one, one possible reason, america's middle class is lazy. or two, america doesn't have enough tax cuts for the wealthy. i'm going to go with that one, okay. just think about it, folks. how can we reach trickle down prosperity to everyone else unless we have all the money first. our coppette must filleth before it runneth over. clearly congress hath sunday estimateth the size of my cupeth. but i don't want to lose your faith in supply-side economics. because the top 1% are like a slot machine. we're all warmed up and just

about to pay off, okay. just keep shoving in those quarters. i don't even care where you put them. just warm them up first. now nation, i'm a diehard sports fan. in that if none of the diehard movies are on, i will watch sports. this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) >> nation, i have warned you about the dangers of unionizing college sports. last month northwestern university football players were allowed to form a union. what idiot taught them to work together toward a common goal? and ever since collegiate lets have been griping, like shabazz napier, star point guard of the champion uconn

huskies. >> at the end of the day that doesn't cover everything. we do have hungry nights that we don't have enough money to get food. i don't think, you know, student athletes should get hundreds of thousands of dollars. like i said there are hungry nights that i go to bed and i'm starving. >> stephen: oh, that is wrong. what are you doing going to bed? you should be practicing. you got time to lay down, you got time to lay up. sadly, folks, the ncaa heard his starved ramblings and crumbled faster than an underfed point guard. >> the ncaa has announced collegiate lets can now receive unlimited meals and snacks. the new rule applies to both scholarship athletes and walk-ons. >> stephen: unlimited meals and snacks. i mean who do these players think they are, basketball fans? (laughter) collegiate lets need to stay hungry t motivates them to win championships. so that during the gatorade

dump they can suck electrolytes off the coach's windbreaker. and i know, the only reason football players strife to make the tostitoes bowl is out of hope it is an actual bowl of tostitoes. worst of all, these free snacks violate the number one rule of sports. only winners get ice cream. losers have their own prize, a silent car ride home with dad. (laughter) if you are's so hungry, mister, eat the tension. next up on the sport report, cock-fighting. folks, i love the sweet and sour science, the sport of chicken a la king. cock fighting is like mixed martial arts meets kfc's mixed grill bucket. unfortunately for coc-enthusiasts like myself, i have some bad cock-a-doodle news.

because there's a new anti-cock-fighting bill in louisiana that has state senator elbert guillory crying you will fowl saying this bill is for the birds and it's really ruffled his feathers. drum sticks. >> the state senator says the bill threatens a sport he calls chicken boxing. >> senator elbert calls chicken boxing a legitimate sport. >> guillory says chicken boxing is similar to human box, that the matches are not fought to the death. >> stephen: yes, chicken boxing, it's just like human boxing except when it's over the chickens have better short-term memory. and folks, it is perfectly safe. senators guillory explained that the chickens can engage in their sport without hurting each other. they put little boxing gloves on them and they fight in rounds so they can get water and cool off. if they're hot they get water and if they're losing they get olive oil, salt and pepper and a squeeze of

lemon. plus chicken boxing has strict rules like each combatant shall wear standard fowl safety boxing gear. yes, just your standard fowl safety boxing gear. just check the poultry counter at the sports authority. personally i do hope that includes a mouth guard because i have seen too many chickens without any teeth. sadly, folks, the louisiana senate has rejected this reasonable chicken boxing amendment. but i want to salute guillory for trying to keep big government out of our chicken sporting events. because where does it end? first it's cock-fighting, now chicken boxing, am i going to have to close my chicken dojo? (laughter) what's next, no more poul trie jousting? you tell me, louisiana senate, what manner of chicken combat shall your law allow? just tell us the way we can have chickens attack each other for our amusement and we will do it. and don't you dare say

chicken nascar. because sure they can work the gas pedal but they don't know how to shift and they're always burning out the transmission. so please, i beg you, legalize chicken boxing. and make no mistake this is not about humans watching birds pummel each other. it's about helping the chickens. boxing gives them a path in life, a one way ticket out of pa lookaville. so that none of them has to turn to their older brother one day and say it was you, charlie. i could have had class. i could have been somebody. i could have been-- a chicken tender. (cheers and applause) we'll be right bam. back.

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>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, you know, i am not one usually to get worked up about dwindling resources

because i'm adaptable. if we get low on spotted owls i'll start making my sandwiches with snowy egrits. i mean once they're breaded they all taste like panda. but america is now facing a devastating shortage of one vital natural resource. >> there is a major lime shortage. >> we have a lime shortage on our hands. >> lime shortage. >> lime shortage. >> lime shortage. >> stephen: lime shortage! that means no more margaritas, no mo hitoes, thankfully our bud lite lime is safe because it is flavored with grade pug-ins. even worse-- damn we should have one. even worse, we'll have to find a new source of tiny cat helmets. apparently, apparently there is a bacteria disease killing citrus trees called

huonglonbing which to be absolutely clear is not the name of my new asian character. no #. but-- i'm afraid there is an even more sinister threat to our lime industrial chrex. >> it all goes back to our neighbors to the south. the michoacan is mexico's top lime producer. and that's where we get most of our limes from. for the past few months. violence between drug cartels in michoacan has wrecked havoc on the lemon and lime industry, some cartels sealing a half million dollars worth of limes. >> stephen: what is this world coming to when murderous mexican drug cartels are peddling limes. that's like whal kerr-- walter white stopping cooking meth and cooking gluten free banana bread. okay. >> stephen: the drug cartels put hugh money guess taxes on farmers or just kill the farmers and take over lime

production themselves. so move over blood oranges there say new conflict citrus. and that's not the only victim of this lime crime. >> the orange county register is reporting a case of limes is selling for $105. that's up from just $20 a few weeks ago. >> last year a lime was less than a quarter. now will you pay about 53 cents. >> stephen: 53 cents for a lime? now you're talking tangelo money. (laughter) so in response to the economic havoc caused by the cartel some people are doing the unthinkable. >> in some cases restaurants are already choosing to make mixed drinks and even guacamole with lemons instead of lime. >> stephen: lemons in my guac? i'm sorry, but i would rather have my head chopped off and stuffed in a duff el bag. folks, this crisis hits home for me because we are coming up on begin gin and tonic

season. i cannot even think about having a g and t without lime, look at that putting that picture up makes my handshake. and i, i would like to believe that's because of lime withdrawal. folks, in my desperation, i have had no choice but to resort to blackmar receipt-- market citrus, jay the intern come on out here. jay the intern, everybody. (applause) >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: no names, jay. >> you just called me jay. >> stephen: no, your code name is now the letter j. >> got it. >> stephen: okay. so you're just back from mexico. have you got the product. >> yes, but i could only fit two. >> stephen: two? what kind of lime mule are you? okay, fine. hand them over. >> i haven't yet arrived. (laughter) >> stephen: what's the holdup, j?

>> sorry, there's a backlog at the port. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, fine, then take this crossword puzzle and don't come out until happy hour. oh, oh, oh, oh, and j, in a related story, there's a looming grapefruit shortage. j, the intern, everybody, j, the intern, everybody, we'll be right back. the original 96 calorie pilsner and that changed everything this led to people counting calories which led to counting carbs which led to counting crunches which led to 8 minute abs which led to 7 minute abs which led to ab masters thigh masters and butt masters which led to the realization that the best place to get a 6 pack is the liquor store miller lite we invented lite beer and the perfect six pack you're welcome

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>> stephen: welcome barks my guest sana claimed college basketball coach. please welcome john calipari! (cheers and applause) coach, how are you? >> doing good. >> stephen: thanks for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: now everybody knows you're the head coach at the university of kentucky, men's basketball team, led one to a national championship, helped 29 players make it to the nba and you have a new book here called players first, coaching from the inside out. players first? don't we have to start with the coach? (laughter) you put the-- you're being too humble, sir, you put the team together. without you it's just five tall guys staring at their shoes. why players first?

>> well, you're trying to bring a team together. you're trying to teach them servant leadership. >> stephen: what the hell is that? >> well, sorry. >> stephen: you're either a certificate van or you're a leader. the leader leads the servants. >> you're trying to make them understand it's more about the other guys than themselves. worry pore about your teammate than yourself. >> stephen: what are you talking about. give me the ball, i'm shooting. >> an if you do that, the only way they'll do that is if they know i have their back and i make it about them, not about me, not about me-- it's about me and our staff and all of us being there for you. >> stephen: what do you do? you're criticized sometimes for having a lot of one and done guys wa, does that mean, one and done and cannot be cured with viagra, what is that? >> my, i don't like the connotation one and done. we say succeed and proceed. when they're ready to move on-- . >> stephen: it also rhymes so it must be true. >> to not bad. but the whole issue for me is if they're ready f they

have a genius and their genius is basketball, their athleticism and are ready to move on and take advantage, like steve jobs, like bill gates or tiger woods or-- . >> stephen: none of those guys played basketball. >> but they're all able to use their genius and not finish college and move on and do special things. >> stephen: okay, okay, okay. do you think it should be one and done, do you think players should stay more than a year? >> i would like them to stay two, but again, there's genius dictates, is it time to go. right now we have two players on this team decide they're going to the nba, james young and julyiance randall, two great kids, great students, great basketball players. but it's time for them to move on. we're waiting to hear for a couple of others. a bunch of our guys said they are coming back. for the first time i have had a couple guys come back, by the way. >> stephen: for the first time. >> yes, they all leave. >> stephen: what is it about your leadership that makes people want to leave. >> i think they done like me. and i always say that. the other coach, do they like the other coach more than they like me? they you will a stay but pie

guys all leave, i don't understand. >> stephen: now if you could get them to stay for two years this might help you. here is another rhyme, two and tootaloo, all right? i can get a little taste of that in case that works out. >> well, i would let you know how it does. >> stephen: i will see new court. >> all right. >> stephen: do you think that players, weapon talked about the unionization of college platers with shabazz napier said at uconn. do you think players should get paid? >> well, first of all, they talk about unions, unions aren't necessary if you treat people with dignity and treat them fair. that's one. when you talk about pay, it's a cost of attendance. for a young man or a young woman to be on a college campus, to be on scholarship, but not be able to live the same lives as everybody else on the campus is a tough deal. so the cost of that attendance which changes from school to school. >> stephen: so do we pay them? >> you give them a cost of

attendance, yes. >> stephen: and that is paid in what, chestnuts and rabbit pelts, what? do we give them money, the green stuff. >> you would give them that stipend which does not make them professional. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> that is-- . >> stephen: does it have pictures of presidents on it? >> i'm not letting you go on this one. >> it could be in hundreds, quarters, it could be in a check, yes. >> stephen: okay, good, how much do we give these guys, you just opened up a can of worms, my friend. if you-- why not just give them like a snickers bar if they're hungry. isn't that enough, because you're not yourself when you're hungry. >> we weren't allowed to give them snickers bar. we weren't allowed to give them anything except a bagel and if we put peanut butter or jelly on or cream cheese on the bagel, we were going to jail. >> stephen: wait a second, you could give players a bagel but not cream cheese. >> right. >> stephen: well, because that is how you get a slippery slope is by putting

cream chaes on the slope, it leads to lox, maybe thin sliced onion, capers. >> it's ridiculous. and they changed that rule. it hadn't been passed yet but they say unfettered food. now we can feed them six times a day or five times a day, whatever an athlete needs. >> stephen: how about they can eatness we can feed them sounds like there's a trough. you are just pouring-- time to feed them. everybody down. i saw you on with my hero bill o reilly, okay. and i will ask you the same question. what are we going do with the young men with the rap and hip-hop an chains and tattoo approximates? what are we going to do about these guys? what can we do to control them? >> it isn't-- these young people have not changed. >> stephen: but they have the hip-hop and the rap and the change and the tattoos. >> its music has changed but the clutter has changed around them. smotiondia and all those things. we just have to keep educating, keep leading and-- i don't think-- . >> stephen: tell them to knock off the hip-hop, and rap and tattoos, right.

you have to tell them to knock it off. >> i my son listening to the same thing and i turn off when i get in the car but elise ens to it i don't think it's made him any worse. >> stephen: you know what i think those kids should do? read this book. john, thank you so much for joining me, john calipari, the book is players first. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪ we'll pay your early termination fees.

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