gone before you watch the show. now take care of yourself and each other. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephens stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen!. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, folks, thank you so much. that feels fantastic. i mean after after a

greeting like that, after a greeting like that i can't reasonably ask for more. but i do. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks -- -- thank you. folks, you watch this show. you know, i have made no secret over the years that i am a huge fan of bill o rielle. he is my mentor, my inspiration, my-- i have read all of his books, killing kennedy, killing kennedy, killing jesus. he is a literary master of the nonsurprise ending. and papa bear is one of the smartest guys out there. but he doesn't have to move other people are dumb, because he hires somebody else to do that. correspondent josse watters was does a rekouring segment watters world named of course after water world, wchb the most successful and critically acclaimed films

of all time. in the segment, watt-- watters demonstrates how little young people know about current events and to emphasize that he adds helpful film clips, here is a stake. >> miley cyrus gave a concert in rutherford, new jersey. so we sent over there armed with four pick tuesday of famous people. here's what happened. i'm going to hold up some photographs. of famous people. do you know who this is? >> albert einstein, he has very long hair. >> thank you. >> -- >> who is that guy. >> oh my god, he's on a late night show, isn't he. >> al gore. >> the one and only. >> hello. >> last one, this is the easy one. >> okay, katy perry. >> catty perry. >> you can't make this stuff up, folks. at least not without an

editing team. and it's not just blowing the lid off young people who know who katy perry is gait, he's done many expose on kids nowadays. we sent watters up to the very liberal columbia university here in new york city. to ask them about putin invading ukraine. >> vladimir putin just invaded ukraine. are you outraged by that? >> i just woke up. >> s what amatter with you. >> -- >> i don't give-- such a genius. >> what is the unemployment rate at right now? >> what's the mat per, cat got your tongue. >> do you know what the unemployment rate is right know. >> oh, 99%. >> stephen: now notice how watters blends investigative journalism and smash cuts in a way that makes you think about the news and also think did my cat stepping on the remote?

nation, i have to admit something. here, here on the report every night nailing politicians and pundits, sometimes i worry that i have lost touch with every day folks. but watters world has shown me i can feel superior to average americans as well. of course i can't go interview people myself because i have a medical condition where i don't want to. but i do have one employee who is perfect for the job. my building manager. he's got all the qualifications that jesse watters does. he reflects light. (laughter) and that's about it. so i also-- (applause) i also sent tad up to liberal columbia university to see just how misinformed today's youth are in the first installment of my lon long-running series, tad's turf.

>> i went up to columbia to enroll those ivy leaguers in the university of tad. >> this is tad, and you're on tad's turf. >> great. >> how long you have been going to school here. >> four years. >> check out the big brain. >> are you a student here. >> yes, i am. >> what dow study. >> i study history. >> let me show you a picture and i want you to tell me who is is, okay? >> joe biden. >> joe biden? vice president. >> you're like a deckive or something. >> the vice president. >> who is this. >> john kerry. >> that is john kerry. >> what's happening. >> supreme court. >> is this alaina cagan. >> if you didn't recognize

this who would you say it is. >> i do recognize him. >> is his name on here? >> clearly somebody had warned these people i was coming. but i had a few more tricks up my turf. >> okay so, who is this? >> that's joe biden. >> how would you answer this question if you had a catastrophic brain injury. >> not so smart now are you. >> how am i supposed to know who it is if you-- frankly my dear i don't gave a damn. >> what number am i thinking of? >> 13. >> damn it. >> i'm scared as hell and i'm to the going to take this any more. >> supreme court justice kagan. >> she's right. that was-- now what the [bleep] are we supposed to do. >> good question, there had to be a way to make young people seem stupid, i just had to find the right young

people. >> do you know who that is? >> nope. >> do you know who that is? who is this? >> i'm not a smart man. >> you can name three branches of government? >> okay. doggie. >> doggie. >> cow. >> cow. >> horsey. >> what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things i have ever heard. just so we understand you, you haven't gotten one answer correct. >> you're dumber than ray bag of hammers. >> are you worried about the future of this country? >> yeah. >> how come. >> because i love it. >> well, young people sure have a funny way of showing it. and that's the view from tad's turf. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tad's surf,

everybody. great job, tad. great job. i got to tell you, until i saw the tape, until i saw the tape i wouldn't believe what a bunch of idiots those kids were. >> thanks, stephen. yeah, pretty stupid. >> stephen: no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. this is a good feeling. oh it. >> i can't believe those young people are the future. >> and we are the past. (laughter) (laughter) >> stephen: i'm so lonely. >> so am i. >> so am i. >> stephen: we'll be right what you pay for,

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>> stephen: thanks some of. welcome back, everybody. hold on one second, i will be right with you in just a minute. i've got to check-- folks, sorry, i'm just check on the latest update from the cnn on the search for malaysian airlines flight 370. they are anticipating the release of a long-awaited malaysian government report on the disappearance right now, it should be coming in any moment. let me just check every

possible source for that story. no, okay. until then i'm constantly refreshing my e-mail and i'm toggling my iphone in and out of airplane mode and of course i'm staying glued to the cnn. >> we'll give you the latest. >> the late cess we keep checking our phones and refreshing our e-mail in-boxes to see when this report is coming in. we're told this report will come to us via e-mail sometime around this time. >> it will be coming in via e-mail. we've been constantly checking our in boxes, literally we are clicking refresh several times a minute. >> we're waiting and anticipating this report as we've been reporting, the malaysian authorities report is expected any minute now. >> any minute now. >> any minute now. >> live there in kuala lumpur watching his e-mail as we are here. >> we have to wait to get the details but there are some things that we can expect to see. >> you want the real basics. you want the who-- the when and the where.

>> stephen: okay, okay, let me make a note, let me make a note of that. okay, okay, okay. i want to thank you for those words, okay, that you said. all right. you know, folks-- (applause) i got to say that cnn's richard quest is perfect newsman for this tragedy because his accent makes any report speak experience. specifically the tragedy of macbeth because it's a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing. yet, but let's refresh our e-mails and-- and nothing, okay. so let's check in on another source, the magic eight ball, okay there is definitely

something floating ining there, could be the debris. let's check. and, and, and-- okay, ask again later. we will check in with the eight ball later. in the meantime for a different perspective, let's sacrifice tonight a news chicken, okay. all right? all right? and and then i will read its entrails. hear me, hear me oh primordial nethergods. oh, oh, oh hold on, hold on. the report-- the report just is coming in. hold on. what do we have here. okay. it's going to be a hot summer there will be a blood rain and oh my god, the lambs will be stillborn. unfortunately nothing hear about the plane. oh wait, wait that sound

means cnn has finally received the malaysian report, yes, yes, jimmy let's go live. >> this is the moment we've been waiting for. the malaysian authorities have released their first report on what has happened. let's get live right away to kuala lumpur. will riply is there with the news, what do we know, will work do you see? >> this is the report i have in my hand. we just printed it out and i have to say as i'm scanning through it be, as we have been saying, there really are no big surprises here. (laughter) >> stephen: no, no big surprise there. >> we should probably leave this story now but we can't because we're still waiting for one more report from our correspondent mr. godot who has promised will have some actual news o on -- >> mr. colbert! off we go again.

do you have a message were mr. godot. >> yes. >> stephen: he won't be reporting this evening. >> no, sir. >> stephen: but he'll report tomorrow. >> yes. >> stephen: without fail. >> yes (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: christ have mercy on us. i can't take this any more. shall we go to another story? yes. yes. (laughter)

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i'm taking off, but, uh, don't worry. i'm gonna leave the tv on for you. and if anything happens, don't forget about the new xfinity my account app. you can troubleshoot technical issues here. if you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. you can pay the bill, too. but don't worry about that right now. okay. how do i look? ♪ thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. introducing the xfinity my account app. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight, please well came-- welcome saul williams. (cheers and applause)

saul, thank you for coming on, thanks so much for being here. >> hello. >> stephen: you're an award-winning author, actor, musician. one of the best selling poets alive. what does that feel like? because we hold poetry up here in. we don't read a lot of it but we say it fancy. and you're one of the best sell pog et as live. you have class coming out your ass. >> yeah, yeah, so i mean i really value the 3.68 that i verned. >> stephen: that's maya angelou money, my friend. >> exactly. i got that maya money. >> stephen: that's incredible. now you also are starring, you are an acker and you are starring in a new musical coming to broadway called holler if you hear me. >> stephen: yes. >> and this is not based on the life of-- but it's his music. >> the story is now. >> stephen: how did you get this part and was it hard to beat out hologram tupac?

>> no. >> stephen: how does tupac translate to broadway because we're used to someone to watch over me, you know. in fact turks pac spoke beautifully on stachbling i think people's mines will be blown. i don't think they're actually prepared. this is the first hip-hop musical to ever hit broadway and i don't know if people will feel the-- before they get a chance to see it, understand that in fact i feel like tupac's music was made for this. was made for this. >> stephen: you started off as a slam poet. you were one of the fathers of slam poetry? >> well, i started off in open mike. a slam-- a poetry slam say competitive poetry reading. >> stephen: oh, i like that. >> okay. >> stephen: because i like everything to be a contest. somebody has got to win everything. >> i'm going use my hands more than you right now. >> stephen: really. >> exactly. >> stephen: good luck with that. >> good lucky, buddy, all right, all right. all right, so how do you win a poeting, how do you win

one. >> a poeting. basically three minutes. it's so there-- there is really no such thing as a slam poem. it is just a poem and it has to fit within the 3 minute guideline. >> stephen: does it have to rhyme and have meter. >> it does not have to rhyme nor have meter. >> stephen: does it have to have rhythm. >> no, you could do it. >> stephen: i get a lot done without rhythm. well, you may be a poet of the street of hip-hop, of the slam, are there classical poets that you admire, like dow like to gates, cumming cans, like that. >> to be fair-- . >> stephen: i don't know what that means. >> it means i'm not really of the street. >> stephen: you're not. >> although i newberg new york and the whole nine, i was a university, i went to

graduate school. i know, i know. >> stephen: i'm not a racist. >> i would never say that. >> stephen: i would -- >> i would never say that mr. sterling. >> stephen: what? hey, my friend. this week so far i have had two african-american guests and a latino guests, have i done more to end racism than barack obama? (laughter) >> we'll be right back with a performance by saul williams.

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so for the best devices the best network and for best results, use verizon. >> stephen: and now one of the stars of holler if you hear me, hear to perform a poem from the dead emcee scroll, ladies and gentlemen, saul williams. (applause)

>> i stand on the corner of the block swinging amateur blocks, drinking 40s mother earth effecters. 666, that purple rain. that drives membranes and say i'm in the fast lane, snorting candy grams that free my body and soul and send me like shaz am, never question who i am. god knows and i know god personally. in fact he lets me call him me. one with rain and stars with dancing feet and bring the sun shin and the moon and the wind blows my pool. -- selling kilos of stag, taking drags off corn bread. saxophones and fruits like mad, the high notes make me-- i am rings that circle saturn, leading stains in my veins and astrological patterns. i'm serious. going-- lovely but it is also part of me. trying to imprison my ecology, put my stars behind bars, my stars and stripes

using blood splattered banners as kites but i control the wind, that is why they call it the hawkeye, southern of isis. son of osiries jesus, resurrected-- resurrected like lazarusment i would rather sit and build. cash, green crops, evolution starts as the evolution of your technology. a society of auction tellers and money machines, my culture is lima beans and tamm bore evens, dreams manifest dreams real, not consistent with rationale. i dance for no reason, for reason you can't dance. called it the activist, circumstances you can't learn my steps, until you unlearn your thoughts. -- leaves to you trying to figure me out, your intellect-- take your flag pole stars and stripes, imprisoned by your concept of right, self-determined calling me out, the star sprang eled forbidding you to be real and heel. you can't find truth in the

white house house on the hill, fans made of steal, stealing us is the smartest thing you dover did. my influence when you look into a mirror and talk about your culture, your exist sense that of a schizophrenic vulture who thinks you have right to pray on the dead not realizing the dead ain't dead, he ain't got enough to know how to pray, it's no repentance. are you about to live in infinite life sentence so while you are serving time or being sinked with the moon you run from the sun, life of the womb respected by guns. and the sun and i am public enemy number one, one, one, one, one, one, one. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: saul williams.

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: we welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a nice show tonight. young david spade will be joining us later for a lovely conversation. as you know, our good friends over at the fox news network are somewhat obsessed with a certain topic. i'll give you a hint. it starts with b three syllables.