not "if." ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> he mentioned commissioner ball's carrot cookies as being out of this world. can we consider the carrot captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. folks, in here, out there, all around the world, nation, if you are's watching the news you know that we are in the middle of the 2014 midterm primaries. where candidates are fighting for voters' approval so they can go to congress and lose it immediately. (laughter) the first primary elections were this last tuesday and an ohio-indiana and north carolina tea party candidates lost to establishment republicans. folks, it looks like the country club republicans are going to run everything. they certainly do in my country club. (laughter) really nice. but there's one primary the

tea party cannot lose. because they're the only ones in it. florida's third district. the fightin third. it pits republican incum ben and off brand chocolate drink ted yoho against fellow republican jake rush who is running on a plart form of traditional marriage, strict constitutionalism, strong national defense and repeal og bamacare. jake rush is everything you could want in a congressman and maybe more than you do. >> jake rush running for third congressional district. >> selling himself as a conservative straight shooter, but guess what, he happens to be a vampire. (laughter) >> stephen: did not see that coming. it with a name like jake rush, you would think soft-core porn but as a vampire he goes under the name chazz darling.

seen here as a malevolent lord of the undebt who has just had his eyes dilated by an incompetent ophthalmologist. jake rush is deeply involved in live action role playing or larp. larp is also the sound his campaign manager made when he saw this picture. and chazes darling just one of the characters jake rush plays. others include lord staas van der winst and archbishop ketering who was born in 1146, making him younger than many florida voters. (laughter) and jake rush was once an actual ala'chua county sheriff deputy where his role playing experiences were considered an advantage when applying for undercover work. bad news, criminals, he's not actually a drug dealer, he's chazz darling, vampire cop. (applause)

so-- so who will be florida's next tea party congressman, to find out i sat down with jake rush in tonight's better know a challenger. >> good evening. welcome. for joining me here so close to midnight. (laughter) the witching hour. are we not-- why aren't new character. >> i thought-- . >> stephen: i thought we were going to role play. >> no, stephen. >> stephen: no? well, i feel like an idiot. i'm sorry, i'll be right back. hi, sorry about that. i just-- i'm sorry. anyway, jake, thanks so much for talking to me today. >> thanks for having me, stephen. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting third. >> third district of floor is da is north central florida that goes from northwest ocalaa to the georgia border and east to

jacksonville. >> stephen: why do you want to run for congress? >> well, stephen, i'm tired of all the hypocrisy in d.c. and fed up with being embarrassed with mi congress phenomenon. >> stephen: tir sir, for the record, are you a vampire. >> no. >> stephen: just making sure, making sure. all right, you are a republican running against incumbent tea party candidate ted -- >> yoho. >> stephen: now ted yoho has had a lot to say about you. let's go through the list. he said disturbing and that's actually all he said. (laughter) >> you can imagine that ted yoho says that he represents our tea party but is making fun of a guy in costume. or he says that he represents our loib tearians but then posts old gaming pictures of me. >> stephen: ted yoho has served two years s that enough experience to condemn him as a washington insider. >> enough to condemn him about his voting record. >> stephen: he vowed to oppose any military action

against any country that is not a direct threat to the united states. >> isn't that ridiculous. >> stephen: it is ridiculous. how is it ridiculous. >> it's ridiculous that we don't project military power. we have the largest military in the world. >> stephen: what country with you have military action against that is not a direct threat to the united states? >> well, for instance, the battle in syria. >> stephen: forgot about syria. >> there is an adage in military and law enforcement that you never want to have to take the same ground twice, it's costly. >> stephen: like going into war in iraq twice. >> right. >> stephen: which one of those should we not have done. >> well, steve em, the problem with-- i don't know, wars are complicated. >> stephen: okay, good, good to know. here's the thing. i had to grill but that ted yoho stuff because i had to find out where your bona fiddes lay. >> fair. >> stephen: fact is, you are what the party needs. you are a stanch conservative, a free market capitalist, small government,

walk softly and carry a big stick kind of guy, right. >> yes. >> stephen: what is your core message as a small government conservative who also pretends to be a vampire. what is the core message. if i look at that whole package what is the core message? >> privacy rights, personal from dom. >> stephen: okayment you go by the alter ego chazz darling, staas van winst, and archbishop ketering. who am i speaking to right now. >> you're speaking to jake request rush. >> stephen: that say great character name. >> that is my real name. >> stephen: jake rush, woke early one morning, he didn't know why there was blood on his shoes. all he knew was there was a dead woman in bed with him. what happens next, what happens next, jake rush. >> hopefully he gets out to vote, gets people motivated to come out. >> stephen: what about the dead woman.

>> call the police. >> stephen: you defended your history of role playing. >> yeah. >> stephen: by saying that you have long been a thespian. how has that been for you as a republican to be an open thespian. >> the arts ran important part of our culture. >> stephen: dow believe that thespians should be allowed to get married. >> yes, absolutely. >> stephen: what do you feel about them talking their lifestyle, defining what they do in the privacy of their own lifestyle, as they call it scissoring. i don't need to know what thespians do. >> it means acker, stephen. >> stephen: oh, he is right? is that what that means? all right, i knew that i now that. >> stephen, as i said, they're roles like an actor's role. >> stephen: why did you kill that woman? >> what? >> stephen: the woman in bed with you in the jake rush novel. why did you kill her.

because i'm trying to fill out the story y did you kill her. >> that will have to be your story, i don't know. >> stephen: were you blacked out. >> no, it's your story. >> stephen: okay, good. so i can give any reason i want. >> you can. that's first amendment. >> stephen: first amendment, okay, because she laughed when you got naked. (laughter) let's switch gears, one of your greatest plrbments is that you successfully defended the first stand your ground case in central north florida. >> that's right. >> stephen: why should big government tell me where i can or cannot shoot my gun. >> big government shouldn't. >> stephen: all right. you have a concealed carry permit. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: what is your gun's name? >> well, i have a glock. >> stephen: what is its name, is it a secret. >> no, no there is no-- there is a model name. >> stephen: i thought you loved guns. >> i don't have any problem with guns. >> stephen: that is very

tolerant of you, you tolerate guns, wouldn't want one dating pie daughter is what you just said. >> that doesn't make sense. >> stephen: simple question for you, yes or no would you let a gun date your daughter or are you a racist. >> that is ridiculous. >> stephen: yeah, in this day and age, i agree. i thought we had come further than that. this is my gun sweetness, okay. (laughter) what is that, what is that honey? shh, no, he didn't mean the things he said. >> excuse me, sir. you have no right to talk to my gun that way. what's that? no, no, that would be wrong, no, he's a guest. (laughter) okay, i'm sorry. you have made her mad. now i'm going to up all night with her crying. >> first rule of gun safety keep it pointed if a safe direction. >> stephen: she would never hurt me.

she gets angry and yes, does she say a few things that i found threatening just then, yes. >> i'm uncomfortable about gun jokes. >> stephen: i'm glad to hear that. because there's nothing funny about guns. (laughter) also nothing sad about them. >> they're a tool. >> stephen: exactly. like many people are. >> true. >> stephen: jake rush, thank you for talking with me today. and chazz darling, thank you for taking time out of eternity to be with me on the portal plane. >> that's weird. >> stephen: yeah. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) woooah, what do you got there? berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. if you watch the show and i hope you do you will know it is no secret that i am an enormous fan of fox business t is the first place i turn for financial news when it is left on at my dentist. and there is no one i love more on the fbizzle than stu varney. so it hurts to see stu and fox business tanking in the ratings, averaging just 54,000 daytime viewers, to put that in perspective, if you laid 54,000 people end-to-end they would still rather do that then watch

fox news. stu is keeping a stiff upper face. he knows that there is a better measure than ratings to find out if people watch your show. >> okay. so i'm walking the streets of new york yesterday, actually i was trying to figure out how the bus system worked. but that's not a story, actually. i'm walking along and a young man coming towards me looks at me very closely. he is not dressed like a banker. far from it. he sticks out his hand. i think he wants money. instead he says let me shake your hand. i still think he wants money am but no, he wants advice on a stock. who would have thought. he is a viewer. yes! (laughter) >> stephen: who would have thought, who would have thought someone watches stu varney, guess what folks, that man was not alone. >> ten yards down the street i'm buying mangos from a fruit stand and the man says

hey, you look great in jeans. >> stephen: you want ratings fox business executives, america demands more stu varney bedonka donk. and that, believe it or not, that was not the end of stuie's day out. >> then i go past a bus top, 30 people in line, one of them steps out and asks for a picture. everybody else turns to stare at me. the man says he's on fox, it's okay, the british guy, surprise, surprise, there was a generally positive response. oh, i know him. >> stephen: and those are smart viewers folks, because unlike stu varney they know how the bus system works. (applause) folks-- i have to tell you, i can really identify with varney's tale of being recognized by the great unwashed masses. why, just this past night i was perambulating along the broadway when i came to the square of time and was approached by a young man. he was not dressed as a banker, oh no.

he was covered in red fur and he said he wanted his picture with me. and then asked for $5, clearly he was another suggest sesful man of bruck and i made my way to the district fame for its packing of meat where i was immediately set upon by several eager young ladies who were such fans they asked if i needed a date. one even offered me a job and some sort of hand factory, i believe. the point is-- (applause) the point is, ladies and gentlemen, the point is i don't know how buses work. (laughter) (laughter) we'll be right back. (all) mmmm!

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>> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight from x-men days of the future past, please welcome ellen page. ellen, thanks so much for coming on i'm thanks four hafing my. i'm a big fan, a huge fan. >> stephen: i'm an even bigger fan now. >> great. >> stephen: everybody knows you from your breakout juno and from the fantasti fantastic-- inception. you have a new movie now it's called x-men days of future past in theerts may 23rd. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: okay. now i got one problem with you.

>> okay. >> stephen: okay o i will just get it out of the way. i'm a big fan but i found out, i didn't know this, and i was disappointed, you came out as openly canadian. >> uh-huh. (laughter) >> i mean i feel like i've been openly canadian for a really long time. did you just find this out. >> stephen: i just found out. how young were you when you found out that you were canadian. >> i mean, as soon as i had like any form of consciousness i'm pretty sure i knew. i knew, you know. >> stephen: people said you want to go to dunkin' doughnuts. >> you i would rather go to tim hortons. >> i would rather get a double double and some timbits, that's true. >> stephen: well, the movie, these x-men are about people bo don't fit into society. people don't accept them. they think they should either be cured or, you know know,-- it's not a metaphor or anything, is it? (laughter) it's not a-- i don't want to take the sats, i just want

to go see some quality kills. >> some would argue that it is. i would argue it is what makes the franchise so successful is that despite the spectacle and extremity of the experience and fantasy of it all it is really deeply human and something we can all relate to. something i know i relate to because of the canadian thing and-- . >> stephen: yeah. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's take a look at it. a little clip right here. >> okay, great. >> let's go.

>> wow. >> stephen: you know what, you're right that is deeply human and everyone correlate to that. >> yeah. >> stephen: i apologize am i apologize ellen page. >> checkmate. >> stephen: all right, all right. now you also recently came out as being a thespian. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: was that hard, was that hard to do have you been accepted? >> is that a metaphor? >> stephen: i think it's a mall apropism but go ahead. >> well, yeah, if you are speaking of the fact that i am a gay person. >> stephen: i am. >> yeah, it was definitely one of the most, you know, nerve-sort of racking moments of my life and at the same time i was just so excited and thrilled to be at a place where i was ready to do that. and grateful for the support that i have received. >> stephen: and you did it

at human rights watch event, right. >> a human rights campaign foundation. >> stephen: and then people responded so effusively that it actually broke the human rights campaign web site. >> it did, yeah. >> stephen: are you happy? (cheers and applause) are you happy, ellen page. yourselfish coming out broke human rights. >> well, that's what gays are doing, i guess. >> stephen: all part of the plan. all part of the plan. i got one beef with you, request didn't you wait and come out on my show becaus because-- the ratings would have been incredible. >> well, yeah, maybe the colbert bump would have been helpful. you are talking about scissoring earlier, you know-- . >> stephen: you want to try it. here, let's do a little thing. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: i will ask you a question, your line for ellen, okay. >> okay, great. >> stephen: so ellen, thanks for coming on the show. are you seeing anybody right now? >> no, actually i've been dating a really nice guy

named brad. >> stephen: oh, really. >> no, i'm gay. >> stephen: what? ! does brad know? and scene. wow. wow. well, let me ask you, one of my favorite films of yours is juno. i just-- you know, as a conservative i just love that it was just wonderful, young lady gets pregnant, keeps the valentines, a wonderful valentine for the pro-life movement. thank you on behalf of conservatives. >> you know, i this think-- . >> stephen: please let me thank you. >> may i say, i would argue that it is very much a pro-choice film because juno explores her options. she think approximates about it. she goes to an abortion clinic. and she decides not to do it because that is because the movie would have been short. (applause)

yeah. >> stephen: oh, i understand. >> it would have been a short film. >> stephen: just hollywood looking out for the bottom line. >> in the en,. >> stephen: well, ellen page, thank you so much for joining pe moo. before we go, i just want to make sure that we have actually been here tonight and not just dreaming. >> oh. >> stephen: ellen page, x-men days of future past, ellenthru some of. >> thank you. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪ dahhhhh! [ gps ] turn left now... where are we exactly? i don't know. i was listening to your gps. i don't have a gps... destination ahead... you have reached your destination...

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[ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. what is this place? where are we? this is where we bring together the fastest internet and the best in entertainment. we call it the x1 entertainment operating system. it looks like the future! he has a phaser! it's not a phaser! it's my phone! he can use his voice to control the tv. you can use your woice? my voice. your woice. my voice. "vuh," voice. his voice. your woice? look. watch sci-fi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity.

>> that's it for the report, everybody. good night. test. >> it's 112:59 and 59 seconds this happened on coed.com today. (laughter) where did these come from? (laughter)