>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) folks-- ladies and gentlemen, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that i am america's most prominent catholic. my faith is so strong, doctors have actually called it a messiah complex. ( laughter ) not too shabby. but i'm also america's foremost capitalist. i love the invisible hand of the market so much i let it get to third base, which is why i had problems with pope francis when he called capitalism a new tyranny caused by the idolatry of money. idolatry! i would never worship money. the dollar is not worth the paper it's printed on. that's why i've invested

everything in golden calf futures. ( laughter ) as a catholic, i try to give the pope the benefit of the doubt. so does bill o'reilly. >> the far left is distorting his words, trying to co-opt the pope to impose so-called economic justice, which is really sockism, forcefully taking from the haves and giving to the have-notes. i can tell you with certainty that pope francis opposes that form of tyranny as much as the polish pope john paul did. >> stephen: okay, papa bear knows what's in pope-a bear's heart. no redistribution, no socialism. >> breaking news, pope francis called for governments to redistribute wealth to the poor. if you're saying take it from here, give it to there, expropriate, i don't know what that is but socialism. >> stephen: son of a bishop! the pope is a socialist! i mean, in retrospect, i should have known. he lives in europe and he gives

his employees a one-day work week. ( cheers and applause ). he can't do this. because either the pope is wrong or god's a commie. ( laughter ) wait a second-- come to think of it, he does look an awful lot like karl marx. plus, jesus was a carpenter. that's why he's hold a hammer, but, jimmy, what's in his other hand? a sickle! no! ( applause ) no, no, no. i refuse. this cannot be right. i mean, where is it written they can't love both god and money? i mean besides in matthew where geezus says you captain serve god and money. ( laughter ) i guess i'm going to have to choose, money or jesus. i guess i'll flip a coin. ( laughter ) there you have it. it came up money. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) nation, the world is aghast at

the horrific situation in nigeria. after the kidnapping last month of more than 300 school girls, by the islamist terrorist group boko haram. out of desperation, local activists started the twitter hashtag #bringbackourgirls, in order to plead for international pressure to rescue the girls because their parents had given up on nigerian government, which is shock-- evidently, nigeria has a government. i knew they had a prince. i keep e-mailing him money. why doesn't he do something? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) what started as a hashtag has become a movement. >> #bringbackourgirls has become a worldwide social media campaign with more than a million tweets being published using the hashtag. >> the international outcry centers on a twitter hashtag appropriately titled

#bringbackourgirls. >> #bringbackourgirls has now been used over a million times. >> stephen: folks, it's refreshing to see the world get behind a hashtag campaign that has nothing to do with firing me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) normally-- ( cheers and applause ) under normal circumstances, i love internet memes. after all, the word "meme" is just the word "me" twice. and this one is huge. even michelle obama jumped on the hashtagwagon. but i cannot get behind this twitter campaign because none of my friends are into it. >> this picture is of the first lady. i just think this is pathetic. >> do something real, folks, not just sit here and think holding signs is the same as actions. >> do you think it's really about helping the people who tweet the hashtag feel better about themselveses? >> exactly that. it's an exercise in self-esteem. are these barbarians in the wilds of nigeria supposed to

check their twitter account and say uh-oh. michelle obama is cross with us. we better change our behavior. >> stephen: yes, terrorists in the wild are not on twitter. they're up to nasty business. obviously, they're using snap chat. besides, you do not lawch a twitter campaign to rescue kidnapped daughters upon. you sunday in liam neeson. hashtag particular set of skills. all the tweet brigade is doing is raising global awareness of these kidnapped girls. here to raise more global awareness of these kidnapped girls is humanitarian activist and subject of the book "sewing hope," sister rosemary nee-rumbe. thank you, rosemary, thank you so much for joining us. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ). all right, tone it down. tonight it down. , sister. you're a holy woman. here's the book you're the subject of, "sewing hope."

there's also a documentary that goes with it. you are a director of st. moanicica's tailoring center in uganda. you're a director of the st. monica since 2001. you were a cnn here no 2007. thilisted by "time" magazine ase of the 100 most influential people in the world and you work with these young women who were abducted, trying to give them new lives. is hashtag activism a good thing or bad thing? >> it is the best we can do, and we haven't done enough. we should continue shouting, as i say. we must shout, "bring back our girls." >> stephen: how often does this happen? >> it happens very often. but we keep silent about it. the world is silent about this. it happens all over the world. it is a global problem. >> stephen: then why are we hearing so much about this situation? >> we are hearing much because it continues to happen and we remain silent about it.

that is why i am here reminding people, reminding we have to shout about it and bring an end to it ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: all right so, a lot of-- all right. is there anything else people can do other than the hashtag campaign? what can they do to help? i think the more we shout the besbetter. and i also say we must be present in every situation. it is very painful, but if we are not there, if we pretend we are not listening, it will continue. >> stephen: if we pretend we're not listening, it will continue. >> it will continue. >> stephen: what if we don't pretend. what if we really just don't listen? hear me out. because it makes me sad, okay, and it's happening in africa, which is a long way away. how does that affect my life? why should i be sad for something happening thousands of miles away when there are things at home to be sad about? >> you cannot be sad because it

is happening in africa, because it is part of the humanity, i will feel like jabbing you. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: so you, a nurng would punch me? >> oh, yeah. i would. li. >> stephen: all right. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. am i allowed to punch you back? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: how is that fair? >> because i'm going to punch you, and i will win. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: barack obama says he wants the united states to help in the search for these girls. what would be most helpful-- drones, missiles, troops on the ground? what should we be doing? >> you know, any peaceful way. i would opt more the peaceful way always, you know. >> stephen: other than punching me in the face. ( laughter ) >> well, you know,. >> stephen: you're a hypocrite. >> listen to me-- punching you is the most peaceful way for me now. ( laughter )

( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, sister, thank you so much for stopping by. sister rosemary nee-rumbe. the book is "sewing hope." bring back our girls. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ gigantic, gigantic, gigantic ♪ a big, big love ♪ gigantic, gigantic, gigantic

♪ a big, big love ♪ ♪ berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. it changes everything. land speed record nine times. what was he chasing? what are you chasing? doesn't really look like burger. man 2: grilled beef patty? that's burger-esque. man 1: yeah, but the flour tortilla is, like, quesadilla-y. man 2: it's both, okay? you happy? man 1: dude, it's four bucks.

i am definitely happy. [ding] waitress: welcome to denny's. is >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, i am feeling fine tonight and it's all because of the defeat of a ballot initiative last week.

columbus, ohio's issue 6 can can which would have raised property taxes to support the schum bus sue famous for jack hannah, america's foremost host to convince hosts to let animals pee-pee on them. >> more than 70% of franklin county voters said no to that zoo levee. >> stephen: in your face, manatee! oh, whichever end of you this is. we owe this victory to the koch brothers who helped sway franklin county voters with this flier calling the zoo tax a money grab. look at that greedy chimp asking for a handout or a foot-out. you can't tell with these guys. all you know for sure is the other three limbs are masturbating. as the koch's mayoral warned, this was going to be a massive

105% increase on property taxes. 10 5%! that is a scary number. way scarier than the actual increase 0.76%, or about $33 for the median homeowner. and all you get for your 23 bucks is one of the best zoos in america. for that kind of money, you could buy your own copy of "madagascar" on d.v.d. nation, the kochs' victory against the columbus zoo tax shows they're willing to play hardball even when they play small ball. as the ohio director of americans for prosperity said, there is nothing we won't do, nothing! there is no children's field trip too small for these two men to ruin. ( laughter ) their next campaign is banning sharp straws to protect our precious juice box reserves. but we're not done fighting this, "folks because the columbus zoo promises to try this again as soon as november.

we at the the "colbert report" are not waiting until november. we are creating our own issues add we are willing to sell the koch brothers for a billion dollars. jim. >> the columbus zoo wants more of your money, but where does that money go? to free housing for foreigners who spend all day high on eucalyptus. to sex feendz getting freaky in front of your children. and government-subsidized o-llama care. they don't share our genes. and they don't share our values. it's time to lock them up and throw away the key. that should be paid for by americans for prosperity. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: folks, no matter how great-- yes, i agree. i agree. no matter how great those apes are, let's prove that humans are still best when it comes to flinging our

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guests tonight are an award winning blues band. please welcome the black keys. this is your fourth time on the show. that's got to be some kind of record. >> thanks for having us back. >> stephen: so you guys, you sold millions of albums, you have seven grammys. how much more colbert bump do you guys need, all right? you're here to suck more magic from me. >> magic, we need more magic. >> stephen: you're magic vampires. how did you working with my prostate influence your new

album which is called "turn blue." >> that is braws braut us into our blue period. >> stephen: this is an image from my colonoscopy on the front. and that dark area in the middle does not look good. i should have that checked out. okay, you guys are known for your concise blues rock. your first album had, like, two-minute songs on it, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: this one has, like, seven-minute songs on it with two-minute guitar leads. did trayan stazio get to you? why so long? >> i don't know, apparently we made the records wrong according to the pitchforks. our primitive neanderthal minds expanded slightly and could contextualize four- to seven-minute songs this time around.

>> stephen: it's good for d.j.s because that's enough time to go take a dump. very generous of you guys. this has a little psyche dealia influence to it. obviously the spirals on the cover, that's a trip right there. a little influence by the grateful dead, i understand. >> yeah, that's the first show i ever saw with my dad was the grateful dead at the richfield coliseum, cleveland, ohio. >> stephen: was it a good show? >> i was 13. >> stephen: how was jerry? was jerry good? >> i remember every time this guy with white hair and a big white beard got on stage, everyone screamed. not even when he was playing. if you saw him pop around the backstage area, everybody started screaming. >> he thought he was santa claus. >> stephen: he thought jerry was santa claus? >> i think so. >> no, i didn't. ( laughter )

>> stephen: let's just be silent with each other for a second. do you want to do that? let's just wait for something to arise that we want to talk about, all right? let's let it happen, okay? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: patrick, you're looking good. you have been working out? >> nope. ( laughter ). >> stephen: can you guys do a song for ?us. >> um, maybe. >> stephen: let's see what happens. here to perform a song off their new album "turn blue" ladies and gentlemen, the black keys.

♪ fever, where'd you run to? ♪ fever, where'd you run to? ♪ acting right is so routine fever let me live a dream fever ♪ i'm a slave to no one ♪ misbehaved too fever, they're misunderstood ♪ wouldn't leave you if i could fever ♪ fever cuz i'm breaking fever got me aching

♪ fever why don't you explain break it down again fever got me guilty ♪ just go ahead and kill me fever, why don't you explain? ♪ ♪ fever, ♪ can you hear me? fever, ♪ can you hear me? you shook me like i've never been ♪ now show me how to live again ya used to ♪ be a blessing but fever's ♪ got me stressing realize i have been played ♪ but fever let me play the game fever

♪ fever, cuz i'm breaking fever got me aching ♪ fever, why don't you explain break it down again fever got me guilty ♪ just go ahead and kill me fever, why don't you explain ♪ break it down again ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ now if the cold pale light in ♪ your eyes reaches those horizon lines ♪ you know not to leave her

now if the cold pale light in ♪ your eyes reaches those horizon lines ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the black keys,

"turn blue." we'll be right back. malcolm campbell broke the land speed record nine times. what was he chasing? what are you chasing?

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the show but before we go, nation, one last thing-- if you want to buy one of these bags made by rescue girls at the st. monica's girl's school head to sistersunited.com. do it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> may 13th, 2014 -- from comedy central's worldview's headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central

welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest tonight: ron suskind, author of "life animated: a story of sidekicks, heroes and autism." very interesting. now we turn to the troubling state of our democracy which, having hit some tough times, has been left with no choice but to sell its body to the highest bidder. >> the koch brothers, the industrial magnates currently tied for fourth on forbes list of richest americans with $36 billion apiece. in 2012, the koch brothers political network raised $400 million to support conservative causes. >> raised -- raised -- found -- found in the koch brothers conservative club house couch cushion. by