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>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night. >> that brings us to our facebook question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight's shocking news on climate change. turns out it was earn climate the whole time. then amazon's latest break through, your book will now be delivered biannual amazon. and my guest keri russell stars on fx's the american,

as a russian spy in the 1980s. or as they called it back then, now. the cdc says half of americans take prescription drugs. the other half are too drunk to open the childproof cap. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm no fan of pope francis. see, now i've said, i've said it many times, many times. (laughter) ever since he took over at head of the church he's been a little too welcoming to all god's children. just last year he said evenatists can go to heaven. great idea, frank. first dogs, now atheists. what is next, presbyterian, it's madness. the only good thing about atheists getting into they have enis i could say i told you so that is my idea of paradise. well now pope moonbeam over here has driven his welcome wagon where no pope has gone before because at mass on monday its pontiff said if

for example tomorrow an expedition of martials came and some of them came to us here, martians, right, green, the long ears and big nose and one says but i want to be bap tides what would happen. when the lord shows us the wave who are we to say no, lord, it's not-- no let's do it this way, who in closed doors. you heard that right, folks. pope francis would baptize a martian. first you have to convert him to scientology. not that i find his premise implausible. if an emissary came here from a culture advanced enough to traverse our solar system, land on our planet, communicate with humans, the very first thing it would do would be to find a man with a funny hat and ask him for a head bath. but baptizing aliens is way over the lines. god was very clear on this point in a saya 45212.

all the ends of the earth, end of the earth. if an alien wants to be in the catholic church, he should have been raised here by christians on a kansas farm like cardinal superman was. plus once we baptize the aliens it will only be a matter time you want to take kmoon onand ask yourself you really want to be the one placing a small delicate wafer into this? game over, man. game over. nation, i have spent the last week in a rage. over the o billiona administration's 8 -- climate assessment. it made me so angry i have printed it five times. now originally i dismissed it as just a last stop on obama's apology tour.

come on. then i read the report. it was terrifying, it left a carbon footprint on my-- jim? >> hundreds of scientist experts in businesses not for profit, local communities, all contributed over the course of four years what they found was unequivocally that climate change is not some far off problem in the future. it's happening now. >> the white house issuing a dire report on climate change suggesting the extreme weather events we are seeing across the country are man-made. >> a new study says that climate change is going felt today in all 50 states. >> the northeast is going to see more heat waves. >> the midwest would suffer more drought followed by flash flooding. >> hurricanes in the southeast and wildfires out west. >> no region of the country will be spared. >> no region spared. the entire country will become on uninhabitable wasteland not just baltimore. so basing an exi sense

crisis beyond anything humanity has ever known, what do we do? well, that question brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) [bleep] it. now folks, folks, glob all warming is bad. i have always believed that i have always said that. but doing anything about it is, and i don't want to get too technical here, hard. i am afraid i might have to give something up. and so that's why i wanted to pass the problem along to our grandchildren, along with saving social security and mideast peace. >> you have a lot of work to do grandkids. get born already. but-- in light of this new report i could no longer sit idly by. i had to take action, conserve energy, drive a tesla. i even started sorting, you know, my paper from my

plastic, you know. i have never recycled before. and yes, yes, is this sacrifice? sure. but my only concern was is this enough? well, on monday i got my answer. >> scientists warned that a large part of antarcticaa is melting and cannot be stopped. >> the glaciers are on the verge of collapsing. >> 40 years of data show the glaciers are melting so fast it is now unstoppable. >> scientists say it's too late to do anything about the melting glaciers. >> wlooep blooep-- [bleep] it. all right it-- (cheers and applause) >> unstoppable melting. it's out of our hands now. i mean what-- what a relief i didn't think it would happen but we've finally ran the clock out on the possibility of my personal

sacrifice making a difference. and folks, i am not the only one spreading this message of hope. so is florida senator marco rubio who said this on sunday. >> i don't agree with the notion that some are putting out there including scientists that somehow there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what is happening in our climate yes there are no actions we can take today. an action on sunday might have helped or any day before that, but now that's all water under the bridge. and tell them why tv man. >> the thaw could trigger rising sea levels by up to 12 feet over hundreds of years. that is enough to put miami beech underwater. >> okay, miami. if you like lebron james playing basketball, you'll love him playing water polo. so what now? well, you know what they say? if you can't stop climate

change, lay back and enjoy it. but now-- now that it's totally futile, let's stop arguing about devices like carbon patches, alternative energy or walking. instead, we must come together and do what americans have always done, we must burn hydrocarbons for pleasure. and i believe this failure to find a solution could be the solution to all our other failures. do we have bad schools? well, if we do nothing, eventually no one will know what they don't know. are you worried? are you worried? are you worried that money and politics is undermining democracy? just do nothing and soon there will be no democracy left to undermine. are you-- and your loved one having relationship problems? just do nothing and its

problems will go away along with your relationship but folks, for the record, i want to be clear, i'm not saying we just fiddle while rome burns. i say we throw the fiddle on the fire tube. i mean that fiddle is goods kindling which we will need to keep the fire going as the floodwaters dry. and that's the word. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) to pitch in for an industrial-sized smoker. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. all with no hoops to jump through. norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. that's the satisfaction of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you.

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>> welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, nation, i love the u.s. of amount of and there are so many things that make america great. we invented flights, we sequence dna. we put cheese in inside a pizza crust. by manipulating the pizza's dna. and all those other nations right there have one thing in common. they are patented. patents are a-- after thomas edison patented his light bulb he was rolling in cash which he spent perfecting his greatest invention, thomas's english muffin which of course started as a failed attempt at a phonograph record. the best part is you don't need to invent the light bulb to receive a patent. because the cash generating rights have been granted to

such actual inventions as the next fannie pack, three legged panty hose and the gerbil shirt. which innovatively combines a shirt, a gerbil hab i at that time and being alone for the rest of your life. best of all, best of all, even if your invention never makes a penny, accusing someone of stealing it can. because in 2011 alone unused patents generated $29 billion in lawsuits, legal fees and settlements worth hens or hundreds of millions of dollars. so in you have an idea, you work hard, some day you too can get sued by someone who had a similar idea. and folks, the patent game has just been elevated to an art form by amazon. who it was recently reported has been granted the patent for photography against a white background. you heard that right.

amazon now has legal ownership of the idea of displaying a thing. wait, wait, jimmy, no, that logo it on a white background. quick, change it to something that amazon won't object to. that's better okay. that's good. now though that is technically still white, because now if anyone displays something on a white background amazon could serve them with a lawsuit. which of course will be delivered in a massive box that is 90% bubble pack. and amazon did a bang up job in making this idea sound like a thing they have thought of, but in their patent amazon describes in one pithy sentence a background comprising a white-- a front light source positioned in a longitudinal access intersecting the background and image capture between the background and front light source in the longitudinal access and

elevated platform positioned between the image capture position and the background in the longitudinal axis to the front light source being direct toward a subject on the elevated platform. now i know, i know that sounds like bull [bleep], but it's actually male bovine fecal matter extruded on a longitudinal axis. well, folks, well, folks, i'm soim plessed by amazon's state of the art calling of this. tonight i am officially filing a patent on the idea of filing a patent. the mechanism-- (applause) the mechanism is certainly. when an individual drops off a patent application at the patent office, the second

the patent hits the desk they are in breach of my patent. at which point they give me money. after that-- (applause) once i got the green then it's just a question of how many gerbil shirt ms. i going to buy. we'll be right bac what is performance? 0 to 60? or 60 to 0? how a car performs in a quarter-mile? or a quarter-century? is performance about the joy of driving? or the importance... of surviving? to us, performance is not about doing one thing well. it is about doing everything well. because in the end... everything matters. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. average blames the camera for those extra ten pounds.

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your woice? look. watch sci-fi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. sz welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is an award-winning actress who plays a russian spy on the americans. which if you think about it would be the perfect cover for an actual russian spy. please welcome keri russell. (applause) >> thanks some of for coming on, good to see you, thanks for coming on the show again. >> thanks for having me. >> pleasure. >> i have never been on your show before but -- >> thats with a test.

>> you passed. i had to make sure you were the real keri russell and not a spy with a keri russell mask on. >> good, good, cool. >> are you she. >> yes, yes dosvedona. (laughter) >> i don't know, you don't know what that means. >> knox i don't. >> you don't know what that means. >> no i don't. >> good. you are an award-winning actress who fold up your breakthrough on fell is wit films like august rush, waitress, all right. now you're in the fx series the americans which finished its second season on may 21st. i have a beef with you, all right. >> okay. >> this is a complicated depiction of russian spying. >> okay. >> these people have home lives and their own patriotism. and they, you know, kill people, okay. what kind of message do you think that's sending to the

youth of america? >> well, i mean i think the show is trying to represent, you know, real people in a real way. and that there is no real black or white or bad or good. it's very complicate kd. it has many-- wednesday il empire, mr. gorbachev, tear down this wall. what part of evil empire mr. gorbachev tear down this wall did you not get from the 1980s. >> i understand. well, i mean i think it's just its depiction. it's our-- it's joe weissberg and his depiction of, you know, a singular story within that world. here's my secretary problem with you. >> all right? on okay. >> you're a mom right. you're a mom. >> oh what happened there. >> i just wanted to make myself-- that's what spies call a-- honey strap. what is the honey strap by the way. >> you'll find out later.

>> colbert report after dark. >> all right, here's the thing, you're a mom right, you got a couple kids of your own. >> yes, i do. >> okay. you're in the series the americans you're a mom whose's also a sexy russian spy who is stealing state secrets and having sex with pem all the time. isn't that an unrealistic image for women to have to live up to? i mean imagine your own life, having to take the kids to like soccer practice or gymboree and in between you have to steal, you have to steal the submarine plans. some nights you don't want to steal the plans, you just want to stay at home and make cake pops. >> yes, that's true, yeah. >> all right. >> okay. >> your character changes her hair style all the time. >> yeah. >> did you learn nothing from felicity? you change your hair style

america gets very up set. >> so up set are you so right about that. >> let's-- we have a independent here. this is you and your supposed husband. you have been together for like 15 years. >> yeah. >> but thinking how deep this relationship is between the two of you. >> yes. >> but certainly do talk like a troubled couple. >> good. are you in bed? >> out like a light. i don't think she slept the whole trip. >> she say one more thing about nonviolence resistance i was going punch her in the face. >> at least she's got some passion in her she wants to do something good. >> she thinks a church pastor being arrested for loitering is some kind of hero. >> i know. >> i wish i could tell her about the real heroes. you know, people sacrificing

themselves for this world, not some stupid children's story about heaven. >> someone sacrificed themselves today. >> and now i feel sympathy for russia. are you leap? >> yes, yes i am. >> did you do any research into become a russian spy. did you do eye wide along with a spy or with a russian? >> i z you know, a little bit of recertainly. i read some putin's dieography. >> you read a putin dieography. >> i did. i was sort of intrigued. he's fascinating for me. >> as someone doing the show, is it exciting for everyone at the show that putin is bringing it back? do you ever say to yourself like come on, invade poland, papa wants another season. it would be fantastic for you. everything short of a nuclear exchange would be positive for you.

>> basically, yes. >> one of the consultants on your show, a former cia op rattive. >> correct. >> he actually includes real spy works in the series. are you giving away state secrets with this tv show? >> i do know that we have to be approved. our scripts are all read by the cia. and -- >> i think all of everyone's everything is -- >> fair, that's fair. >> join the club. >> that's fair. >> well, keri russell, thank you so much for joining me. >> keri rustle, the show is the americans. we'll be right back.

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to pitch in for an industrial-sized smoker. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. all with no hoops to jump through. norm used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to enter the bbq masters invitational. where he smoked 40 pounds of ribs and the competition. that's the satisfaction of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you. rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on.

when you can have digiorno? delivery... or digiorno. now with a flavorful new sauce - digiorno's rising crust pizza is better than ever. thankfully it's not delivery, it's digiorno. >> s this's it for the report, everybody, good night

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org dee, dee, dee, dee! sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee! hey! sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee, sweet dee! - what?! - hey! - hey... - what the hell is this? oh, yeah. uh-oh. and so it begins.