>> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> buying those evil spirits behind with the bloods of jess u the name of jesus, the power of-- the holy spirit. take superiority and roll in with your tanks. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

(cheers and applause) come on, ladies and gentlemen. whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. i thank you. i thank you all. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. oh my gosh! (cheers and applause) i got to tell you, folks, i got to tell you, folks, with that kind of reception, with that kind of energy w that kind of love i can do this twice a night! nation, as you know i'm a political junkie and tonight i'm riding high because i have been snorting pure, uncut bunting. you see in his primary season which thanks to global warming will soon be our last remaining seasonment and yesterday republican voters went to the polls in six states to choose which candidates use outside money to air the most commercials. unfortunately, the media is a bunch of tea party poopers.

>> breaking news overnight. a big victory for the gop taking down tea party challengers across the country. >> the tea party is beaten back. >> tea party shutout last night. >> voters have said no to tea party challengers almost across the board. >> yes. >> choosing instead to go with the tried, the tested, the establishment. taking incumbents over upstarts. so is the tea party over? >> no, the tea party is not over! any more than the donor party is over. (laughter) -- how are they doing, by the way. they didn't bring a lot of food up there. i'm worried about those guys. an if you need more proof that the tea party spirit of anti-government liberty freedom is alive and well in the republican party, look no further than mitch mcconnell's victory party last night. no, jimmy, later on, during his speech. >> for five and a half years the powers that be in washington have treated the people of this state with

contempt. and tonight i have a simple message for all of them. those days are numbered. >> stephen: yeah, oh you're going get it, washington powers that be. i feel sorry for whatever jerk has represented kentucky for these past 30 years. if mitch mcconnell catches sight of that guy in say a mirror it's on. but of course the biggest primary was in the great state of idaho. also known as the pillow montana uses to practice kissing. (laughter) see that up there. (applause) the gubernatorial republican nomination was seen as a contest between incumbent governor and wind in the will owes character butch otter and his conservative opponent russ fullcher who is running to the right so

maybe badger. so last thursday's primary debate was dominated by two other candidates, harley brown, former commanding officer of naval construction services and mr. walt bayes, a great grandfather and high school graduate. now that is what you call a big ten. because i'm pretty sure walt bayes lives in the tent made from the skin of a bar he fought for a gold nugget. and folks, even an otter head like me was charmed when he saw harley brown's opening remark explaining why he is running. >> i was at the low point of my life. things wered ba. the god how about putting me back on active duty and making me a battalion commander. he says no, son, i got a hiring for you, i will make you the commander in chief. and i staggered not on his promise am i will get into that more with you. don't think i'm crazy kuz i'm not. (laughter) folks, when it comes to

reassuring opening statements, that is right up there with i know we just met but i done have a human head in my freezer. all right. right off the bat i was sold. harley browns with my guy am but then we heard from walt bayes coming at you hot and hard like a vingful backwood santa. >> jim. >> governor otter, about the emissions he tried to make me take an emissions test and i told him what to do it. and drove three years and my wife did without any. nobody done anything. i stand on principleses. i went to jail for home schooling. i did kill a wolf while it was still on the endangered species. >> stephen: smart move, smart move, walt, open with your criminal history. get it out there before the lane stream media hits you with all those gotcha questions about shooting wolves. okay this round point bayes, especially after brown almost lost me when he came out as soft on gay marriage. >> i used to drive taxies in boise for 20 years at night.

and i picked up my fair share of the gay community. and they have true love for one another. i'm telling you, they love each other more than i love my motorcycle. (laughter) >> okay. admittedly that pulls at the heart strings. but as a conservative i did not expect to hear pro gay sentiments from a burleigh man in a tinilet hat and vest. (laughter) but then harley won me back. >> the key is getting our land back from the feds. and here's my plan of attack. buying those evil spirits that are behind the feds with the flood of jesus, the name of jesus, the power of the holy spirit, the power of agreement, the word of god. take air superiority and then roll in with your tanks. >> mr. brown. >> blitzkrieg. >> mr. brown, the question was about taxes.

(laughter) >> stephen: maybe, maybe so. and he was getting there before you so rudely interrupted him. clearly his point was that if you use it to bind the evil spirits behind the feds the blood of christ should be tax deductible. well, folks, before long and then after long, it was time for closing statements. walt sticks the landing. >> do you remember chernobyl? where the russians had a little problem with their atomic energy? chernobyl, when you translate that into english it comes out wormwood, wormwood is mentioned in the bible a whole lot and it is radiation. they gave those people that work there something called potassium-- potassium iodide and it floods up your thyroid gland so it won't take this radiation in. and another thing you want to know is our noring plants

that is run by atomic, they can stand 1/15 of an earthquake like in japan and my bible says it will get worse and worse and worse. we better get at something, folks. >> all right. >> stephen: now that is a campaign slogan that americans can rally behind. walt bayes, you remember chernobyl when you translate that it comes out wormwood which is mentioned in the bible a whole lot, potassium iodide we getter get us some 2014. now folks-- (applause) but folks even walt's message of hope pealed in comparison to the power of harley brown's closer. >> after god told me was going make me president i went out and got the presidential seal tattooed right here on my shoulder. i was living in fat jack's cell ar because my ex-wife had given me trumped up restraining orders. i couldn't see my kids.

it was a mess. and the wife said get this lunatic out of my cell ar. a cowboy, a curmudgeon, a biker or a normal guy. take your pick. thank you very much, we're leaving it up to you. (laughter) >> stephen: yeah! who invited the normal guy. you got a cowboy, a curmudgeon neither of these two won the primary last night. and neither did tea party candidate russ fullcher. the nomination went to governor otter. but tea party folks, the fight is not over. we still have the general election. and after watching that debated it is clear to me that the candidate idaho needs is fat jack's old lady. (laughter) she-- fat jack's old lady-- (applause)

has a message that resonates with america. get this lunatic out of my cell ar. -- cellar, that is the message that can defeat not just governor ot other but also idaho's democratic nominee potato with a mustache. mustache. we'll be right back. rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on.

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>> welcome back, everybody thank you so much.

nation, i have some bad news, we are on the brink of an epidemic it if you are's not watching this show right now it is probably because you're already dead. a dangerous new infectious disease is spreading across america, it's called mers and it's already infectioned our tv news. >> the mers virus that broke out in the middle east has now for the first time spread from one person to another in the united states. apparently through a handshake. >> the symptoms include fever, cough and shortness of breath. >> a creeping, contagious and potentially deadly respiratory virus has reached the u.s. it stands for middle east respiratory syndrome it started in the saudi peninsula but has now spread around the globe. >> that's right, middle east respiratory syndrome has infiltrated american lungs. it's microsharia. (laughter) our cells could be the sleeper cells. according to the cdc, symptoms of mers include

fever, cough and shortness of breath but also warn that some people infectioned with mers show no symptoms at all. showing no symptoms could be a symptom-- symptom. so if you are feeling great right now t may be too late. (laughter) of course the cdccd says there's no reason to panic because there have only been three known cases of mers in the united states. but look at the person to your left, then look at the person on your right. they are three people right there and within of them is you. and while science may not know how it spreads, they have pinpointed the origin of middle east respiratory disease. and on this one science sounds a little racist. >> experts say it may originate with camels. >> about two years ago persons having close contact with camels either in carring for the camels or in particular consuming camel products begin to develop this infection. >> saudi arabia warns those

dealing with camels to take precautions. the ministry of agriculture urge people would come in contact with camels to exercise caution and follow preventive measures. >> stephen: they're blaming camels. now people are going to associate joe camel with respiratory disease. (laughter) and folks, i-- (applause) >> i am not the only one who is up set here. camel owners all over the middle east are protesting this slur by flooding twitter with camel-smooching selfies like these. not to mention all the disturbing photos like these of dry humping. but nation, i'm not taking that kind of risk. i'm afraid i have to break up with my camel camie. camie, come on out here. it's camie "the colbert report" camel, everybody. (applause) now camie and i, camie and i met at a party last year, i forget when t was sometime in very, very late october.

it was the same night i met my good friend batmans and sexy pirate. but we have been insparable ever since. isn't that right, camie. yeah. well, girl, girl, i'm afraid i've got some bad news. you might want to sit down. (laughter) camie, camie, i'm afraid this is the end. not you, no, camie, it's not you. it's me being deathly afraid of you. (laughter) but don't you give me that look. don't you give me that look. you know the one that's always on your face because it never moves. camie this is bound to happen. and plus it's just costing me too much money anyway. i don't know why a camel needs to stay at the ritz carleton. in two different rooms. i got say for someone who has got a humpful of water you sure go through a lot of

minibarbour bon. in fact, camie, i'm going to have to ask you for my credit card back. so i guess this is good-bye. but camie, before we go, maybe one last kiss. (cheers and applause) now go! go before i change my mind. camie, wait. i'm going to need the other credit card. now go on, get out of here. we'll be right back.

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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight stars in the new movie x-men days of future past, as professor x. i will ask him the question why. please welcome patrick stewart. hey! patrick stewart, thank you so much for coming on. good to see you. now patrick, obviously a

ward winning actor over the years. you've had the honor of play approximating jean luc picard on star trek the next generation. your latest is x men days of future past, opens this friday. the plot of the fill some you send a message to yourself back in time, correct? >> you sound puzzled. >> well, that's a puzzling idea is that you send a message to yourself back in time. >> yeah. >> stephen: if you patrick stewart could send a message back to younger patrick stewart, what would you warn patrick stewart about patrick stewart's future. >> very, very simple. >> stephen: what. >> because i -- have much fun when i was a kid. i was always responsible. i was made a prefect at school two years earl early. >> did you go to hog warts? >> no, no.

>> it is painful you should bring that up, you know. because i mean ian mckelan and myself, wouldn't you think that we were shoe-ins for the harry potter movie? >> stephen: well, i got to say. >> not one phone call. >> stephen: i got to say, i got to say, that would be a great thing for the next x-men if you get the d-men to go as harry potter and the lord of the rings, then you can represent every british acker who worked for the last 50 years. did it hurt to not get a call for either one of those movies. >> it hurt. it still hurts. >> stephen: i mean why has such a debilitating speech impediment like that accent of yours and not have it pay off with a little bit of that harry potter coin. >> you have a problem with the way i speak? >> stephen: not at all. >> you were asking a question. >> stephen: about talking to your younger self. >> yeah, yeah. it was-- i was telling you how responsible i was as a

kismted i never had crazy teenage years. i would go back and i would say patrick, cheer the [bleep] up! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now we've got a clip for the movie, yeah, yeah, we stole one. >> oh. >> stephen: all right. jim, let's take a look. >> just want to wake up in my younger body, god knows where, then what. >> you need to go to my house and find me. convince me of all of this. you need me as well. >> why. >> it's going to take the two of us, side-by-side. >> you'll have to be patient. >> patience isn't my strongest suit. >> basically your body will go to sleep while your mind travels back in time. as long as you are back there past and present will continue to coexist. >> dow really think this will work? >> i have faith in him it.

>> he is young, he doesn't know any better. >> (cheers and applause) >> we had an alternative line when we were rehearsing that scene. and you remember that i say i need to you go to my house. and our favorite one was i'll need to you go to my house because 35 years ago i think i left the gas on. (laughter) >> stephen: speaking of 35 years ago, ask there any chance that you, is there any chance you yourself are a time traveler? because i would like to show you something. this is a photo of you 24 years ago. and this is you this year. (laughter) do you bathe in the blood of the nuns? how is this possible? (applause) >> well, clean living, clean

thinking. in every aspect of my life. keeps my flesh, my skin toned and clean. >> stephen: wow. really? healthy mind, healthy body. >> absolutely. >> stephen: that's lovely. does being a sir come with anything s there a membership card? do you get 20% off of figgie pudding and stuff like that? are you allowed to kill one-- without any repercussions. >> yeah, upgrades on british airways. >> stephen: no, really? that comes with? >> well, the last time hi one it came the day after my knighthood was announced. and i imagine a memo had gone out throughout the organization, you know. if this guy shows up, you know, get him out 6 coach and put him in first class. >> stephen: that mines booked a flight for yourself coach. i respect that more than anything else you have said here tonight. that's true courage, my friend. >> i like-- and this will

represent to you where i stand politically. i like to be close to the people, to the real-- (cheers and applause) i don't believe in privilege. i don't believe in hierarchy. so you will ask me why did you accept the knighthood, patrick that was on your list. i accepted a knighthood on behalf of the people. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you know what? same thing mere, i get paid a lot of money to do the show and i accept it on behalf of the people. (laughter) well, thank you, patrick stewart. >> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: patrick stewart, x-men days of future past. we'll be right back. rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate.

all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on. we got a fair price.ruecar.com,. my feeling is that...ing.... and you're like. iyou know, the salesman icomes over..., there's no buyer's remorse, you know. i'm happy with my purchase. it's the truth. when you're ready to buy a car,

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>> stephen: nass's it for the report, everybody, good the report, everybody, good night.

from new york city, comedy central presents... [ cheers and applause ] thanks. thank you. um, don't worry, i'm hilarious. [ laughter ] okay, this is a song... let's bring this down. [ mid-tempo melody plays ]