>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> iraq is an unfolding disaster. give me three mi captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central

a [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] a. >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you so much for joining us. what are we doing? [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] welcome to "the report." thank you so much. thank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. what an evening. now, folks... folks, i got to thank you for being here. it's been great show so far, but before we go, i want to update you on my ongoing war with amazon.

last week i broke the story of something about me. you see, amazon is in heated contract negotiations with my publisher hachette. they're delaying shipment of amazon's most popular author, including me. [audience booing] oh, don't make me unleash these dosmtion folks, this is terrible. i am one of my favorite authors. it's not just me. because of amazon's scorched-earth tactics, more people are getting screwed than in "fifty shades of grey." so i told amazon c.e.o. jeff bezos, it's go time, lex loser. before i knew it, my courageous stand created a firestorm all over the internet, and unlike rihanna, i didn't even have to show side-boob. i even offered. now, i don't know if you know, this but i'm great guy.

so i did this not just for me, but for the first-time novelists like edan lepucki, whose hachette book "california" could not be pre-ordered on amazon, a death sentence for a new book. i asked do you go to colbertnation.com and preorder "california" from powell's books. nation, you preordered just as i preordered you do. as of today you heros have bought over 6,400 copies of california. [cheering and applause] in fact, you have made california the number-one book on powell's for weeks. [cheering and applause] you know what, you know what would really show amazon that we will not lick their monopoly boot, or any of their monopoly pieces? if we put "california" on "the new york times" bestseller list. we are close. nation, i want you to go to colbertnation.com and preorder this book like amazon doesn't

want you to. or preorder it from other places like parnassus books, politics and prose, rainy day or go to your local bookstore, walk up to the counter and just click on the clerk. okay. that's why they're called that. and tell them, "i want to preorder "california" by edan lepucki." act now and it will happen even sooner. good night. nation, in my humble opinion, there's nothing humble about my opinion. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheering and applause] first up, folks, it's no secret that i have always felt a deep connection with texas senator and joe mccarthy tribute head ted cruz. [laughter] there's one thing about senator cruz that bothers me. it's his name, rafael edward cruz. it sounds kind of, you know,

canadian. [laughter] it turns out i have excellent canadar. >> senator ted cruz has renounced his canadian citizenship. the texas republican was born north of the border. he discovered he held dualship last year. >> ted cruz now officially all-american, shedding his canadian citizenship. >> stephen: so a tip of the hat to senator cruz for his great show of patriotism. if you ask me, there's nothing more american than not being from another country. which is why it's so hard for me to also give ted cruz a wag of my finger, because the way ted cruz went about becoming a not-canadian was so canadian. his cana-dectomy was performed with a simple certificate of renunciation issued by the government. a certificate just saying he's not canadian. hell, i got those. the printer in my office churns 'em out 24/7.

i even got a two-ply version in the bathroom. come on, senator, no piece of paper can wipe the canada off you. i've visited toronto once 20 years ago and every now and then i still say i'm sorry. no, to become 100% american, ted cruz needs do something radically uncanadian. he needs punch a moose or pay for his own health care. and i can help. i can help. [cheering and applause] i'm here to help because i'm a trained ludovico therapist. i've administered canadian deprogramming before. jim? [screaming]

♪ cause then one week you looked at me ♪ dropped your arms to your sides and said i'm sorry ♪ >> stop it, stop it! >> stephen: now thanks to conditioning, every time he hears celine dion, he becomes nauseous, like a true american. next up, folks, i am a huge fan of led zeppelin. i am a sucker for their unique mix of blues, rock and druids, which is why i am so angry. jim. >> it's one of the greatest rock 'n' roll songs of all time, but was the intro to led zeppelin's "stairway to heaven" stolen from the 1960s band spirit? according to an attorney for spirit's former lead guitarist, the zeppelin classic sounds strikingly similar to spirit's song "tar us are." >> stephen: led accident lib

is being accused of plagiarizing "stairway to heaven" years after it came out. they needed time listen to it all the way through. if you're unfamiliar with the '06s rock band spirit, it's probably because you were never in the '06s rock band spirit. but the estate of ran i can california, seen here, looking like that, claims that led zeppelin ripped him off. you decide. here's led zeppelin's "stairway to heaven." ♪ ♪ [laughter] [applause] now here's spirit's song "taurus." ♪ i don't know what legally

constitutes plagiarism, all i know is that they both made me want to couples skate. [laughter] , so i have no choice to give a wag of my thinger to my former heroes, led zeppelin. i know some of you are thinking, maybe it's a coincidence. aren't you being a little hard on greg? well, eat hot facts. >> taurus was released three years before "stairway to heaven." jimmy paige says he wrote it in a cottage in whales in 1970. but a lawyer representing andy "california," whose band toured with zeppelin in 1969, stole the opening riff. >> stephen: and if that wasn't enough, he also apparently stole the neck from one of spirit's guitars. well, this "communication breakdown" has left me "dazed and confused." it's a real "heartbreaker," because i had a "whole lotta love" for zep.

but "hey, hey, what can i do?" in here, the "levee has broken," "black dog." [cheering and applause] no longer... no longer will i celebrate september as zeptember. i'll have to make do with roctober, tullvember, stonesuary and barch. [laughter] so, zep, that's it. instead of listening to you, i'm going to listen to spirit's "12 dreams of doctor sardonicus." ♪ ♪ [laughter] oh yeah,. oh, yeah, i'm eventually going to get into this. jimmy, crank it up. now crank it down. all right. now just crank it off. [laughter]

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[cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation... [audience chanting "stephen"] i can't fight the love-nami. nation, it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether "i" win or lose. this is the sport report. [cheering and applause] folks, today marks the start of the 2014 soccer world cup in brazil. i am feeling the soccer equivalent of excitement. meaning i can't use my hands. now, unfortunately this year's 1-1 ties are going to be much

less thrilling because fireworks and vuvuzelas have been forbidden from world cup stadiums. [audience reacts] what the cup? they're taking away my fireworks and the thing i shoot my fireworks out of? now how am i supposed to pass the time in between the pre-game riot and the post-game riot? that isn't the biggest problem here. team u.s.a. is facing an up-pitch battle. >> team u.s.a. continues their buildup to the world cup. >> they're up against a lot. america will compete in group "g" with germany, portugal and ghana. >> they'll face some of their toughest opponents in the first round, so bad it's being called "the group of death." >> stephen: yes, the group of death. an affiliation germans have been trying to get away from for about 70 years. now, faith... faced with this challenge, team u.s.a.'s coach stepped up and surrendered,

saying, "we cannot win this world cup because we are not at that level yet. realistically it is not possible." [audience reacts] you don't think an american team could win? what kind of an american would say that? terms out a german one. because team u.s.a.'s coach is juergen klinsmann, a german soccer star seen here being german. [laughter] he also said, "we have to play the game of our lives seven times to win the tournament." so what? so what, jurgen, we can play the game of our lives seven times. they did it every night on "friday night lights." what's your problem? that's the american way to, give up before you begin. what if the pilgrims had gone back to england and said, "there's no point. we'll never kill that many indians." i don't get these german soccer players.

here to help me get these german soccer players is germany's ambassador to the united nations. please welcome the honorable hans beinholz. [cheering and applause] now, your excellency, thank you for joining me here to discuss the game. >> thank you, stephen. like many, i have world cup fever. [laughter] smit within the terrible disease of nationalism and competition, the twin seeds of war. >> stephen: yeah, you want your own team to win. i assume you're going to be rooting for germany. >> yes, but what in truth do we win? the world cup is an opiate of the masses, a yaw drennal celebration of brute physicality by which we hope to quell the nausea of the horror of human

exits tense. go, team. [applause] >> stephen: okay. fine. but what about the u.s.'s coach? why won't he motivate our team? >> do you mean lie to them? tell them that they are better than he knows them to be? nein. to love someone is to confront them with their own limitations. [laughter] >> stephen: that helps? >> it helps the little league team that i coach. [laughter] before every game i tell the children, "we cannot win.

we will suffer at the cruel hands of the blue gophers, and even if we win, victory is only a fleeting joy that soon disintegrates into sorrow, even in the beauty of the dawn we grieve for the coming dusk and defer to the child and smell the acrid stench of the grave. steep >> stephen: the honorable hans beinholz, everyone. >> thank you so much. [cheering and applause]

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a vietnam vet and a former ?omple i'll ask him which is the bigger quagmire. please welcome james webb. [cheering and applause] senator, senator, secretary, your excellency, which one do you want more, by the way, do you want secretary, senator? which one do you want? >> jim. >> stephen: that's a nice title. is that short for something? now, it's good to have you back. this is two, three, four, i don't know how many times you have been on the show. i always like having you on because you're a real rank man.

you were secretary of the navy. >> right. >> did you have to think about that for a second? >> i'm late more than a reagan man. i did admire him a lot. >> stephen: were you there when he punched the berlin wall down? >> no. i think he did that without my help. >> a former senator in virginia. assistant secretary of the navy under reagan. you've written ten books. most recently you have a new memoir called "i heard my country calling." when your country called, what did your country say to you? and did you pick up first time or did you push "decline." >> actually at this point we have to worry a little bit more about what happens when we make our calls and our country is listening, the n.s.a. >> stephen: because that keeps us safe you mean. >> that's what they say. >> stephen: are you a terrorist?

>> not that i know of. >> stephen: not that you know of. >> not that i know of course but we'll see what n.s.a. comes up with when they release these documents. >> you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about. >> >> stephen: okay. good. you lived a life of service to the country. which service you've given to the country, whether in government or in the military, has been more important to you? >> the most important thing that i think i've ever been able to do for our country is serve as marine in vietnam. [cheering and applause] there's no... there niece greater honor than to have been able to be entrusted with the lives of americans when they're at risk. and i'm very proud moif son for having served as marine in iraq, too, by the way. [applause] >> stephen: when you were on a couple times before running for senate and as a senator, you wore your son's combat boots while he was over there.

did he get back safe? >> he did. >> stephen: good to hear it. good to hear it. >> also i'm really proud from the time i entered the senate, we introduced the post-9/11 g.i. bill, which is the best g.i. bill our veterans have ever had in our history. and that was great moment in '08. i would think i was on your show shortly thereafter. since that time more than a million veterans from iraq and afghanistan have been able to get a better education and improve their lives. [applause] >> stephen: now, you were able to do that. not a lot of people get things done in congress right now, but you were able to get that g.i. bill through without, you say, cutting a lot of political deals to get it done. >> we didn't cut deals, but it was not an easy lift. looking back on it, it seems like a no-brainer to be able to give these people who serveed, their tuition, buy their books, give them a stipend like we did for the world war ii veterans, but we were opposed all the way

to the very end by the bush administration. >> stephen: why would you, if you were in the senate, not an easy club to get into, and you were able to get things done you believe in, which isn't easy to get done, why would you no longer want to be one of the 100 men of the united states? >> i think it's healthy to take a step away. i've doane it four times in my live. i've served for a while. then live and go write and do journalism and those kinds of things and then come back in. >> stephen: are you thinking about stepping back in because there is speculation you will be the first democrat to announce his candidacy for president in 2016. >> i don't know where that speculation is coming from, but i'm glad... >> right here. you said you would not make a very good vice president. you said you would not make a very good vice president, and are you saying that you top out at senator or that you'll only take president? there's nothing in between. >> if i was going to be announcing for the presidency

tonight, i would at least want to have worn a tie. [cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: i'll wait. >> i would like your pac list. >> stephen: if i gave you my pac list, that would be a federal offense, for which neither of us would be punished in any way. senator james webb, "i heard my country calling." we'll be right back. thank you, senator.

>> stephen: that's it for "the report," eve captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [♪] damn it! put the teethy wrench on the square thing and jiggle it left. [dishwasher whirring] thanks. by the way, that square thing is a hampton bolt and a manacheck maneuver. hey. hey, i'm just here for the tater tots. wait. look, i know you think you made your mind up about plumbing, and i respect that. but come to the third floor men's room tomorrow after 3.