again because sometimes i suck at this. " well, i've only been doing it for 16 years. i'll learn. that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i know it is politically expedient these days to say that america should not apologize for its reputation around the world, but perhaps we can make an exception for americans who go to germany and get stuck in sculptures of captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience chanting "stephen"] that's it. hit their mark right away. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. [cheering and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. with an open like that... thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i will try to live up to the adulation you just gave me. nation, president barack obama has been one big national disgrace. first it was the embarrassing mom jeans. then there was the embarrassing mom blouse and the embarrassing mom hairdo. of then there was the embarrassing realization they was looking at a photo of my mom. [laughter] thanks a lot, obama. folks, his biggest blunder yet came at a recent visit to away chipotle. >> take a look at this picture. see anything wrong with that?

>> oh, yeah. >> he actually sneezed over the sneeze guard. >> he reached over the sneeze guard. that's just not cool. >> stephen: it's more than just not cool. this proves that obama cares nothing about border security. [laughter and applause] and adding insult to guacamole, which i believe is 75 cents extra, just look at what obama was pointing at. the mild salsa. that sends a signal to our enemies around the world that our president is weak. ronald wilson reagan could chug an entire bottle of hobb their row, and two hours later he'd be whistling the star spangle banner out of his flaming bumhole. long may it wave. and we were so close to having a true commander-in-beef. just look at this 2012 photo of

mitt romney ordering at a chipotle. that's how you order high -- hygienically, folks, polite distance, hands in pockets, wearing a condom, one imagines. i only bring this up because i believe in the american dream. when my great, great grandfather braved the atlantic crossing, he came here with the hope his new country would never be ruined by a bunch of filthy immigrants. sadly once again america is awash in unwashed masses. this time they're pouring across the long, skinny ocean to our south, the rio grand. >> in the southwest, a deepening crisis tonight involving thousands of children from central america who have been crossing into this country alone. >> many were hoping to meet up with parents after fleeing violence, poverty and gangs. >> packed into holding cells, sleeping on the floor with these thermal blankets, there's not enough food, not enough beds, not enough bathrooms. >> so sad to see those kids in

their tinfoil pouch, not even a clove of garlic to season them. and the numbers, the numbers, folks, are shocking. so far more than 47,000 migrant kids have entered the country and have been caught since october 1st. to put that in perspective. if you stack 47,000 kids end-to-end, you could probably get a job in that holding facility. it's an incredibly, incredibly tough situation for the employees. >> the children actually rejected their breakfast burritos because they were made of flour tortillas and people didn't realize that they eat corn or the tee yas. >> stephen: do you expect me to believe that not all hispanics eat flour tortillas? next you'll tell me mexicans don't eat waffle tacos. and wait, wait, folks. wait until you hear what they claim is the reason that all this is happening. >> they're primarily from three

central american countries, honduras, guatemala and el salvador. >> the rumor is out across central america about these so-called "permisos," permission to stay in the united states. somebody said they are giving permits for people to stay here. >> the rumor mill in the central american countries is saying that once you get here, if you're an unaccompanied minor, you can stay. >> stephen: parents are just dropping kids off and then disappearing? please, texas is not the ball pit at ikea. and i don't buy it, folks. i don't buy it. and don't you buy it either. [cheering and applause] since that explanation, however tragic it may be, this leaves too many unanswered questions. and there's no better way to unanswer them than i in stephen colbert's "bat [bleeped] serious." [cheering and applause] folks, long-time viewers know that in "bat [bleeped] serious,"

i peel back the veil to expose hidden truths they don't want you to know. for instarntion did you know the fluoride the government puts in our water isn't even to control our minds? it's to strengthen our teeth. that way we won't get fillings and the rebel underground can't broadcast truth directly into our skull. [laughter] now, folks, these kids say they're coming here to escape poverty and violence, but my conservative colleagues and i know that the more likely explanation is the one we like more. just follow texas governor rick perry as he puts his head up his own rabbit hole. >> . you either have an incredibly inept administration or they're in on this somehow or other. i hate to be conspiratorial, but how do you move that many people from central america across mexico and then into the united states without their being a fairly coordinated effort. >> i hate to be con conspiratorial, too but think about it.

thousands of kids streaming up from central america across our border. obama. it makes perfect sense. okay. [cheering and applause] need more proof? i'm out. but would you settle for tucker carlson? >> can we be honest and say that there are some people in office, i would even say in the white house, who look at immigrants like this coming here illegally as potential voters, that this does change the electoral balance of the country and maybe they see this as a good thing. >> stephen: yes. obama's organizing bus trips from tegucigalpa so these kids can grow up in america and become citizens through some future somehow passable immigration bill, all so they can vote and deliver obama his fifth term in 2024.

it could happen. [cheering and applause] write that down. so just to recap: the president is kidnapping thousands of central american children to take them to the u.s. to swell voter rolls and single handedly destroy our flour tortilla industry. here to confirm all of my suspicions is southwest correspondent for npr john burnett. john, thanks so much for coming back. good to see you again. you heard everything. you heard me crack this one wide open. why is obama doing this? why did he put this policy in place so we can't ship these kids back? >> let me share one story. her name is carmen. she lives in a hotel room in austin with a 15-year-old and an 11-year-old that came up from el

salvador. harrowing trip. she said there are two reasons she brought them up. i think her story is representative. one, she hadn't hugged them in seven years. >> stephen: she was already here. >> she was already here. she had been up here seven years. >> she's one of the los illegals. >> yes. >> stephen: so she's a criminal. she broke the law and she wanted henchmen. go ahead. i'm not the monster here. >> okay. >> stephen: i'm not the monster here. so let me get to the second reason. go ahead. she wanted to hug her children. >> she wanted her children with her. secondly, they were facing a horrific situation in san salvador. they were being preyed on by criminal gangs. they approached them and said, call your mom and give us $2,500 or we'll kill the boys. this is the kind of criminality that these youngsters are escaping. >> stephen: why is it happening now, because news flash, it hasn't been all that nice in those countries for about 30 years. it was so crappy in guatemala

and honduras and el salvador that president reagan helped them by funding death squads. that was better. >> well, central american immigrants have been coming up for a long time, and this wave of unaccompanied kids, many of them are teenagers, is really coming up for two and a half years some it's been peaking in the last -- >> stephen: that's very important. teenagers. we're not talking -- just for the sake of my public image, let's just say that i'm only complaining about the teenagers, because nobody likes teenagers. okay. or like the bratty tweens, those guys, daddy, i don't want to be taken away by the armed rebels. okay. i want a new country. get me one now. and a pony. why is obama doing this? why did he institute this policy? why did he institute this policy where we don't send the kids back. >> it's not obama's policy. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> the policy by which unaccompanied minors are being

detained at the border and delivered to their relatives in the states is under immigration policy that began under george w. bush and previous regimes. >> stephen: oh, my god. [audience reacts] how did obama get to bush? [cheering and applause] tell me next time. thank you so much. npr correspondent john burnett. we'll be right back. the world's most refreshing beer meets a blend of natural citrus flavors so you can squeeze the most out of summer. ♪ new coors light summer brew

>> welcome back, everybody. folks, i am... i don't know about you, but i am absolutely stone-cold furious about yesterday's heated republican senate primary in mississippi, which pitted tea party challenger and short-haired severus snape chris mcdaniel against incumbent senator and man in reverse mortgage ad thad cochran. i say it is time for cochran to go. he's a big government washington insider famous for channeling federal cash to his state. >> he got a tremendous amount of funding for mississippi and the mississippi gulf coast after katrina. >> no one brings home more bacon to his state than thad cochran. >> he's about bringing home the bacon. >> bringing home the bacon. >> his calling card is that he brings home the pork. >> stephen: he brings home the pork and the bacon.

though, to be fair, to be fair, hog meat is mississippi's official state currency. the point is... [cheering and applause] the point is, thad cochran is playing the dirty politics of promising people stuff and then delivering it. but not chris mcdaniel. he's so against federal spending that he told a crowd at ole miss, i'm not going do anything for you. i'm going to get the government off your back. then i'm going to let you do it for yourself. thus standing by his old campaign slogan, mcdaniel 2014, you'll get nothing and you'll like it. [cheering and applause] well, folks, it's sad to say the results are in and cochran won 50.9% to 49.1%. few things are ever that close in mississippi other than the genomes of married couples. [laughter and applause] but it's not just... it's not

just that cochran won. it's how he won. >> thad cochran said, look, strategically i have to win over blacks and union members. that's who he went after. evidently they showed up. >> congress fan reached out the voters beyond his conservative base, including blacks. >> it's unreal the level of black turnout in a republican primary yesterday. >> is this the future of the republican party, you brag about your big-spending ways to the voters and you rely on the support of black liberal democrats to get you elected? >> jon: he appealed to black people. that's incredibly selfish. doesn't thad cochran know there's no "i" in mississippi. and this was no accident, folks. cochran made a deal with the devilcrats, who teamed with the mississippi conservative pac to do get out the vote work and rally african american voters. those democrats, bishop ronnie crudup, sr., and james scooby-doo warren.

rut roh! and, folks, i'm telling you, and mcdaniels would have won this race,, too if it wasn't for you meddling kids. [laughter] i guess what i'm trying say is, when did black people start voting? when we return, i'll sit down with one of the people responsible for black people voting in mississippi, representative eleanor holmes norton. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [ male announcer ] are your party foods a party fail?

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[ speaking russian ] ♪ ♪ i have no idea what you're saying, but count me in! ♪

>> stephen: my guest tonight is my arch nemesis. please welcome congresswoman eleanor holmes norton. [cheering and applause] congresswoman, thank you so much for coming. good to see you again. you and i have been enemies long enough they think we're almost friends at this point. >> not quite. >> stephen: all right. all right. you represent the district of columbia where you are a non-voting member. i want to thank you in joining your republican colleagues in non-voting for any legislation.

[applause] >> the difference is they can vote and still vote for legislation. >> stephen: but it's admirable restraint on their behalf. you're here to talk about the 50th anniversary of what's called freedom summer in mississippi. tell the young people what freedom summer was and the role you played in it. >> well, freedom summer was when large number, actually thousands, of students from all over the country came to mississippi to try to help mississippians who were kept from voting learn how to vote and to get them to the polls. >> stephen: okay. why wouldn't they just register? i understand that only 10% of black vote centers mississippi were registered before you and other freedom riders went down there to help them register. and yet they were half the

population, so what's up? steep yeah, what's up is my question. >> what was up is they wouldn't let them vote. they wouldn't let them register. steep who is they? are you talking about the man? >> the men. >> stephen: okay. welk you were a student at yale law school at the time. >> yep. >> stephen: okay. when you first came down in 1963, medgar evers met you at the bus station. tell the young people here again who medgar evers was and what happened to him that summer. >> medgar evers was martyr of the civil rights movement. medgar evers was the head of the naacp in the state of mississippi. mississippi was at that point so far behind the rest of the country that it had not even had sit-ins, things where we need to sit in and say we're entitled to have a cup of coffee. they hadn't even had those. he had to leave those. and there were very few lawyers,

much less law students like me, so when i came, he wanted me to remain in jackson, whereas i had promised to go to the delta, which was the heart of the worst part of mississippi where people couldn't vote. we put me on a bus after showing me around jackson all day, went home and was shot in the back. martyr of the civil rights movement. >> stephen: and that's your first day in mississippi. >> very first day. >> stephen: you went back again the next year. >> well, next year was the mississippi freedom summer. actually, what i was doing in the delta the year before was the prototype for the mississippi freedom summer when the students were going to come down. the question is: what are the students going to do. they're going to do workshops. >> stephen: outside agitate i believe is the technical term. don't get me wrong. again, i'm not the monster here.

but shouldn't it be up to individual states as to how easy or hard it is for black people to vote? [laughter] doesn't the 10th amendment guarantee that to the states? >> stephen, have you ever heard of the 14th amendment? >> stephen: i have no. no, i have not. no. i don't think it goes that high. [applause] i don't think it actually goes that high. [laughter] what's the 14th amendment? >> everybody has to be treated equally. >> stephen: okay. >> even when it comes to voting. >> stephen: i'll take your word for it. >> duh. >> stephen: okay. we're approaching the anniversary of the 1964 civil rights act. and today in congress this happened. this is several members of congress joining arms singing "we shall overcome." ♪ we shall live in peace we shall live in peace ♪

>> stephen: was it worth all this effort and all this suffering to see tex depression on mitch mcconnell and john boehner's face when they sang that song? >> i don't see how you could laugh at members of congress joining us in singing "we shall overcome." >> stephen: i want to point out to you that mitch mcconnell and john boehner are not singing. they are holding hands and swaying in agony. [laughter] >> they didn't... they just didn't know the words, stephen. >> stephen: the words, jim, go find this footage, because it's in the same thing, go back about 30 second, because the words are on a giant prompter rolling. i [bleeped] you not. they are. i promise you. [cheering and applause] i'll wait. i don't care how long this show goes. it's on a prompter in the background. >> so what do you want from them? >> stephen: i don't want anything from them. [laughter] now, how many people do you guys

end up registering that summer? >> i don't have that number with me, stephen. [laughter] >> stephen: it's cable. make it up. [applause] all i'm saying is... all i'm saying is you must have signed up a lot of people because you saw what happened with thad cochran, the black vote swayed the vote. it swung the election in mississippi. would you like to take a moment right now and apologize to chris mcdaniel? >> i'd like to take a moment to say to those who went to the polls, those african americans, you sure knew what to do with the vote. we went to get for you in 1964. thank you. [cheering and applause] >> jon: congresswoman eleanor holmes norton. thank you so much for joining me, madam. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. dwight. thank you very much. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on vine today! that's a young miami marlins fan and telenovela heartthrob reveling in a score. there it is again. this has garnered-- you can't stop watching it. you just can't. he's garnered over 20,000 re-vines, which has officially made the video a vine-ereal disease. ( laughter ) next stop, tindergarten. ( laughter ) he will impregnate all of miami with his demon