captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to "the report." good too have you with us. folks at home, if you've never been to the show live, you've

got to come here to the studio to see the show in person, because what you don't get at home is that right now in this room, the air is thick with the opiate of love. [cheering and applause] and i'm taking deep tokes off these people. thank you so much for being here. don't do drugs. nation, the mid-terms are rapidly approaching, and things look good for republicans across the board with one glaring exception. the g.o.p. continues to struggle with hispanic chamber of commerce -- hispanic voters. for some reason they're not rallying to the g.o.p.'s message or "look, marco rubio! " that's why it's more important than ever to reach out the suburban futbol madres and average jose seis-pack.

but a new strategy has been pioneered by arizona republican scott fistler, seen here photobombing a picture of map after... [laughter] after losing two races in a heavily hispanic community. he's found a way to get his name out there. get another name out there. >> he surrounded a candidate seeking office in arizona. scott fistler has legally changed his name to cesar chavez. >> stephen: adios, scott fistler. hola, cesar chavez. you know what they say, if you can't beat 'em, pretend you joined 'em. now, if cesar chavez strikes a cord with my hispanic viewer, it's because it is also the name of the founder of the united farm workers who popularized the slogan, "si se pueda," which

means "yes, we, can," but if he were alive today, chavez might be saying, "oh,, no he didn't." but this isn't merely political pandering, folks, this change was a long time coming. as the politician formally known as fistler explained, he experienced many hardships because of his name. i don't see why. i mean, fistler, that's a great name for a leader. it sounds like he's the hitler of fisting. [cheering and applause] heil fistler. [laughter] so fistler just wanted to change it to something that would be a popular name with voters. so i think it showed great

restraint that he didn't just go with cherry garcia. [laughter] but cesar chavez's campaign isn't just about a confusing name. it's also about a confusing web site. >> on his campaign web site, chavez features images of crowds of people holding chavez signs and wearing t-shirts, but the pictures are actually from a rally from the late venezuelan president president hu go chavez. >> stephen: oh, oh, oh. so all hispanic rallies look alike? that is racist. unfortunately the web site is unclear about how to contribute to the campaign. do i use this "do indicate now" button up here at the top, or one of these nine "donate now" buttons down here. i mean, it makes sense. you need one button for each candidate he's pretending to be. [laughter] folks, senior chavez's strategy shows how republicans can win

the white house in 2015. just field a slate of minority candidates. there's lots of choices. there's pancho villa, martin luther king, mahatma gandhi, aung san suu kyi, harriet tubman, sitting bull. oh, sitting bull's got a real chance, well, unless hillary clinton decides to run. [cheering and applause] nation... last week i told you about rescued army sergeant bowe bergdahl and the growing cable news consensus that he does not deserve to be alive. especially when you consider who we gave up for him. >> five taliban killers, essentially the cabinet of the taliban. >> it's not just any random accused terrorists but five taliban commanders. >> south carolina senator lindsey graham is calling the former detainees the "taliban

dream team." >> the president swapped an alleged deserter for the taliban dream team. >> the taliban dream team. >> the dream team. >> we gave up the dream team. wait! [cheering and applause] great. now who are we going to send to the real olympus in 2015? abdul was deadly in the paint. well, deadly pretty much everywhere, but especially the paint. meanwhile, bergdahl's a deserter who did ballet, whose dad has a beard and who pursued a lifestyle that 99% of americans cannot relate to, volunteering to fight in afghanistan. the point is: everything about bergdahl is an affront to the heros who serve on the front lines of fox news. >> bergdahl may have even collaborated with the enemy, the taliban. >> clearly the words are written on the wall that he was a

deserter. >> a loser, a deserter who has killed men. >> he's a traitor. >> it seems to me he's pretty lucky he was brought home the way he was because if those special forces had found him, he would have come home either in a body bag or come home and gone straight to jail. >> that's right, kimberly. if our soldiers had found him, they might have arrested him, but they just as likely would have murdered him in a heroic act of vigilante justice like in the movie "fragging private ryan." [laughter] but even more disturbing, even more disturbing than the rescue of this traitorous deserter who deserved a field execution is the possibility that his five years of taliban captivity might have had some sad parts that make him sympathetic. >> bergdahl has told military officials his captivity was a terrifying and lonely ordeal with long periods of solitary confinement that only got worse when he tried to escape. >> army sergeant bowe bergdahl

is telling his doctors that the taliban tortured and beat him during five years of captivity. >> during all this time, he struck to his religion, christianity. the taliban say that they gave him permission to celebrate christmas. >> stephen: and worse, while he was celebrating christmas, the taliban wished him happy holidays. folks, folks, this is so unfair. how can bergdahl be a good christian? you don't see jesus walking off into the desert. is there any way... is there any way we can say that his torture was not so bad? >> he did, bergdahl, admit that he was tortured by the taliban and kept in a cage after an attempt to escape is what his account is relaying right now. >> yeah, so that was reported on friday that they had a customized cage with him and left him in there maybe in solitary confinement. >> this guy had his own customized cage? oh, i couldn't possibly be confined in an off-the-shelf

cage. i'm too fancy for that. i want one with brushed steel bars and a monogrammed poop bucket. okay, okay, that's a good start. he's got fancy cage. but could we make it seem like he actually liked these guys? >> it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that he was tortured and it was horrific. there was a report too on this channel that by the end of his captivity, he was playing soccer with these guys. >> stephen: playing soccer with these guys? for all we know the taliban's mom brought orange slices. it sounds fun. i'm betting getting captured was clearly his goooooooal! [cheering and applause] but can we prove that bend it like bergdahl here is on the

taliban's side? well, luckily cnn found a way to boil this complex story down to the one question that matters: do you watch "homeland"? >> it's a story with so many subplots that no wonder mr. are comparing bergdahl to brody, the freed american hostage on showtime's "homeland." >> you almost think you're watching "homeland." >> stephen: yes, and i'd almost think i was watching the news. [cheering and applause] you see, bergdahl's story is exactly like the showtime drama "homeland" about a rescued p.o.w. who may have been brainwashed by islamic radicals. if you think about it, the similarities are nearly existent. >> look at the shows. there were families involved. there was a reintegration back

in society. >> the show "homeland" original indicated in israel. they had experience with these prisoner swaps. hopefully he wasn't watching "homeland" and modeling his story after that because it doesn't end well for nicholas brody. steep yes, i certainly hope he wasn't watching showtime in his customized taliban cage. [applause] or worse, starz. that is torture. folks, it all lines up. they both have families. they both come from society. homeland originated in israel and bergdahl is real. i'm telling you, i'm telling you, folks, you cannot make this stuff up, although we will continue to try. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]

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but my eyes can never unfocus to see the t-rex and the volcano, and as much as i enjoy art, sometimes it's the craziest [bleeped] thing i've ever heard. folks, if you're like me, whenever you see masterpieces by someone like vincent van gogh, whether it be "starry night" or "sun flowers," it always makes you ask the big questions like: what would his chopped-off ear look like? well, wonder no longer. >> would you pay to see a human ear in an art museum? the ear of artist vincent van gogh is about to go on display. in 1888, the dutch artist had a psychotic breakdown and inexplicably severed his own ear. now a german museum has a replica of the ear using cells actually grown from van go's great, great nephew. >> that's right. it's that exciting time in every century when german museums begin displaying human body parts.

folks, and this one really disgusts me. there's your european style socialized medicine. van gogh has to wait 126 years to get his ears fixed. [cheering and applause] now, according to the "eartist," diemut strebe, the still-alive still life was created by using cells from the great, great grandson of vincent's brother theo to grow the ear and a 3-d printer to shape it. and if you think paper jam is tough, try clearing out an ear jam. nation, this is the most successful use of bioengineering in art since pablo picasso created that five-boobed lady so he could paint her. it could very well usher in a whole new movement. think about it. using this same technology, we might finally be able to see what this guy's face looked like

before it was mangled in a horrible apple-picking accident. or even better, even better, we can finally glimpse the venus de milo as she was meant to be. and the best part about this exhibit is that visitors can talk to it. >> visitors to a german museum are waiting in line for hours, literally to ask questions through a microphone to vincent van gogh's re-grown ear. think of your question for van gogh's ear, please. >> stephen: i've got one: why, god, why? because i have seen ears grow on corn. i have seen ears grown on mice. but an ear growing in a museum, that's a craziest [bleeped] thing i have ever heard.

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rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on. >> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is family

therapist. i hope you're watching with someone you are pretend throsmg please welcome esther perel. ms. perel, thank you so much for coming on. good to see you. all right. young lady, besidessing with -- being the author of the book "mating in activity: unlocking erotic intelligence," you're a couples finally therapist in new york city and you specialize with people having affairs and you actually in the past year you exploded on the web with a talk you gave about why people have affairs and how the keep relationships fresh. especially sexually. 4.5 million people have watched it. all right. so i'll bite. all right. [laughter] this is how i keep things fresh. why do people have affairs? and do you think it's okay for them to have them? [laughter]

>> i'll start from the second part. >> stephen: okay. >> an affair is a betrayal. an affair is a violation of trust that is never okay. steep okay some never have an affair. >> but people do. and they have had affairs since marriage was invented. so much so, you're looking at me strange. steep, no not at all. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop here. so far nothing too controversial. >> no. so the interesting thing for me in trying to understand infidelity is to look at the fact that people express their discontent or their loneliness or their sexual frustrations and that that leads them to be unfaithful is not so difficult. what strikes me is why happy people cheat, why people who are actually loving their partner and are committed to their family, to their children, to the project that they created together also find themselves straying, why they end up some day crossing a line that they never thought they would cross.

and then the question is for a glimmer of what? what is it that they're actually longing for, seeking? >> stephen: i think they're seeking sex. >> actually, no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: no. >> no. i think it's a very easy thing that we often want to think that affairs are about sex. fairs are very little about sex and a lot about desire. affairs are... >> stephen: desire for... >> desire for attention, desire to experience a sense of aliveness, vibe si, vitality. >> stephen: in the groinal aerial. >> the groinallary is a very narrow view of where sex takes place. >> stephen: some are wider than others. [cheering and applause] please. go ahead.

okay. >> , so you know... >> stephen: so happy people have fairs. >> yes. because sometimes we don't only leave a partner because we want to find somebody else, but sometimes we actually want to find another self. >> stephen: find another self? >> yes. there is something about affairs that allows people to reconnect with lost parts of themselves. >> stephen: oh, so, hon year, i wasn't pushing you away, i was just pulling me towards myself. i wasn't actually cheating on you, i was finding me. that's great line. >> i was doing both. you cheat and you find you. the strange thing, the painful thing about affairs is that it's a dual story. while one person is experiencing expansion and growth and aliveness, once it is known, the other person experience utter devastation and pain and that marks these two are coexisting

side by side. steep should you tell your partner you had an affair? >> you know, before you tell, ask yourself... that's one of the most complicated questions, telling or not telling, and what is it you tell? do you explain the meaning of what has just happened, or do you explain the sordid details? but before you tell, you ask yourself, who is this for? is this to unload my bad conscience or is this really because i'm thinking about the well-being of my partner. before you tell, ask yourself, does your partner actually want to know? and before you tell, ask yourself whether you'd like to live with the consequences of knowing. it's a very complicated thing this telling business. >> stephen: so don't tell. >> no. think. [laughter] >> stephen: complicated. >> yes. >> stephen: now, what constitutes an affair? i am in a loving, committed relationship with my wife lorraine. and lorraine's a wonderful woman, i love her, and it's very fresh, but for nine years i've had a hot and sloppy relationship with these people out here.

[cheering and applause] is an fair always physical or can it be just emotional? >> an fair can be the whole myriad of things. it can be a fantasy. it can be inactive. it can be physical. it can be emotiona. it can be sexual and it can be just fant sides. what constitutes an fair is the actual betrayal of the trust, not the behavior. for some people, a one-night stand is no less painful than a 30-year parallel life. what constitutes it is the breech of trust, not what you've actually been doing with these people for nine years. >> stephen: that's between me and them. all right. esther perel, thank you so much for joining us. mating in captivity, esther perel. check her out. we'll be right back. great flavors and great value come together at subway, in our six-inch select, the spicy italian,

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