welcome to the show, everybody. [audience chanting "stephen"] steep u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a, u-s-a! [cheering and applause] welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen. nation, nation, you can feel it at home. it's like a wave of electric patriotism right across the wire. we're all excited and cheering for the same reason -- i'm about to take a two-week vacation. [cheering and applause] but also i am pumped about team u.s.a.'s match against germany today. they said it could not be done, but we dug down deep and lost our game. [cheering and applause] but, but, but we also had portugal win in a different game by not by a lot, so we're number

two, we're number two, we're number two! >> audience: we're number two, we're number two! >> stephen: and folks, i cannot wait for the next round. like you, i've been bitten hard by the soccer bug, also known as luis suarez. i'm not alone, folks. a record 25 million americans watched sunday's game against portugal, which is what has me so worried. >> americans don't care about the world cup. what's wrong here? well, if you want experts on wrongness, you want fox business. >> why, stuart, are we seeing soccer suddenly skyrocket? why are people so ready to be entertained? >> i'll tell you why this has happened. it's because the news about our country, our economy and our standing in the world is overwhelmingly negative. >> it is awful. we're afflicted with recession, believes iraq.

we're downgraded the world over. we don't want any part of that. we want to escape. here's the world cup. how convenient. >> stephen: yes, how convenient. stu and angry zigy smell something fishy, which is why it's time for another installment of stephen colbert's "bat [bleeped] serious." now, folks,er know what you're thinking. you're thinking, stephen, didn't you just do your "bat [bleeped] serious" segment last night to uncover the secret forces behind the surge in young immigrants? maybe. but here's a better question: why can i hear your thoughts? [laughter] because, nation, i'm starting to suspect the world cup might be some sort of organized global sporting event coordinated by dozens of foreign nations in an attempt to grab ahold of our attention, even worse, they're grabbing our attention with their feet. and there's more. dr. keith, ablow me.

>> here's the world cup. that's what's going on. >> it's little too convenient when we have a president who i contend has it in for americans and we elected him because we were fearful at the time. we better elect someone who is not very patriotic, because, god, we could have terrorists attack us for being american. okay. so we did that. >> stephen: okay. so we did that. check that box. okay. which brings us to the world cup. follow me down the rabbit hole, or as they say in soccer, follow me down the rabbit gooooooooooal! how often does barack obama run for president. every four years. how often is there a world cup? every four years. now watch this. [laughter] that doesn't just happen, folks. but there's a more sinister force at work here, and as

usual, it's jazz cigarettes. jim? >> it's kind of strange. they're rolling out the marijuana. they're getting everybody high. and they're getting everybody to watch more and more entertainment. does that sound like perhaps, i don't want to be conspiracy theory guy, but why is that. >> stephen: yeah, he doesn't want to be conspiracy theory guy, but does that sound like perhaps but why is that? and marijuana is clearly involved here, folks, because you'd have to be baked out of your gourd to be that paranoid. [cheering and applause] nation, the hidden truth of global marijuana mind control that dr. ablow has uncovered is a huge relief, because the idea of a vast government conspiracy to drug me into sedation while i watch mindless television is far less disturbing than the alternative. that i enjoy soccer.

[laughter] folks, if you watch this show, you know everyone has their own point of view. mine just happens to look over the gorgeous landscape of me being right. this is "tip of the hat, wag of the finger." [cheering and applause] first up, folks, it's never too early to start making your plans for new year's eve. that's why i run drills to stay sharp, every night at the stroke of 12:00, i chug a bottle of champagne and then weep when no one kisses me. this year i'm going to clay county, north carolina's annual possum drop. for those unfamiliar with rich southern heritage, here's what possum drop means. >> they actually take a live possum. they put it in a box. and then they drop it. [laughter] steep sorry if that got a bit technical, but you get the idea. no surprise, folks, the fascist

fur-scists of peta thinking this event is cruel to possum kind. i assume because it keeps them from their natural possum destiny of being crushed under the tire of a keya. way back in 2012, a judge in north carolina ruled it was illegal to use a live opossum for such an event. o-diculous. the next thing you know, the pc police will make it illegal to have the live possum nativity scene. losing the possum drop was a blow to tradition dating back to 1990. that's right, since the time of the dinosaurs, which is why i'm giving a tip of the hat to the north carolina state legislature for saving the celebration with a new bill excluding opossums from state wildlife laws between december 26th and january 2nd in clay county where the annual possum drop celebration is held. so now...

[cheering and applause] so tonight we've got some huge fans of people who enjoy watching rodents affected by gravity. so to recap, to recap, for one week, you can do whatever you want with a live possum in a cage. you can raise it, you can lower it, you can move it sideways. the entertainment options are endless. don't worry. possum-killing season is still on year round. so if you want to hunt them for sport or just catch one rooting through your gashage and gas it in a bucket, you go to down, specifically brasstown, north carolina. next up, if i know two things, it's that children are our future and that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. so it logically follows that children's breakfasts must be the most important meal of the future. but a disturbing new report is upending everything we thought we knew about this complete

breakfast. >> we have a new medical alert now with a warning for parents that fortified cereal we give our kids to give them vitamins may be doing more harm than good. >> millions of children are eating cereal with unhealthy amounts of vitamin a, zinc and niacin. >> we're overfortifying our cereals. >> stephen: you maniacs. you overfortified them. the trix rabbit tried to warn us. trix aren't for kids. and, sonny, yes, he was coo-coo, but coo-coo for the truth that we weren't ready to hear. that's why i'm giving a wag of my... my -- it's begun to affect my speech. a wag of the thinger to cereal manufacturers. your precious vitamin-packing left our children vulnerable to liver damage, rashes and immune problems because nutrients are add in amounts calculated for adults, which itself is

ridiculous. adults would never eat those childish foods for breakfast. we prefer the sophisticated taste of pop-tarts wildlicious. they're baked with real fruit asterisk. so until our cereal can be denutritioned to safe fortification level, please, parents, feed your children something that's just as colorful but better for them, like the box. we'll be right back. will new twizzlers mixed berry bites ever end their rivalry with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites? not today. bites. little greatness.

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[cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. my guest tonight is an award-winning actor who stars in the new romantic comedy called they came together. i'm going to tear them apart. please welcome paul rudd. hey, paul. good to see you again. thanks for stopping by. [cheering and applause] nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you, too. >> stephen: thank you for wearing tweed in june. >> seemed like the wrong choice. >> stephen: it is ballsy in that i guess you're sweating your balls off right now. you are correct, sir. >> stephen: for the few people in the western hemisphere who may not know it, you're an award-winning actor/"price is righter"/producer, best known for "40-year-old virin" and "clueless." you have a new movie called

"they came together." it comes out tomorrow. that sounds like a dirty movie. is there any hardcore action in this? >> surprisingly no. but the title is meant to infer it i'd say. >> stephen: okay. why would you say there is hard core action in it. >> there's a ton of it. it is... >> jon: you go to bonetown? >> you go to bonetown. stay in bonetown for about 80 minutes. >> stephen: that's nice. that's kind of impressive. [laughter] i got a two-part question. what is the movie about, and given our modern overscheduled lives, that leave us so little time to read books or even be with lowferred one, should people be going to movies? [laughter] >> i think that's a very valid question. >> stephen: thank you. >> to make it easier, you can watch it on your phone. it's available on all phones

tomorrow, and you... i don't think you need to pay attention it to. here's the thing, the movie is paper thin. there's no substance here at all. >> stephen: really? me likey. >> you can kind of half pay attention to your children. you can kind of half pay attention to making dinner, and you can just watch... and it's quick. flies by. >> stephen: can you really get this on your phone? >> you will be able to get it on your phone because all movies are available on phones now. >> stephen: i could watch it while i'm driving. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's the last thing i see before i go off the abutment, you and amy poehler going to bone town. steep. >> and you can text somebody while you're watching. >> stephen: you're opening against "transformers: age of distinction." >> to say our movie is competition... i know you're

saying transformers is competition us to. >> stephen: yes, it is. >> i feel as though that's an insult to the word competition. >> stephen: what are you talking about? this is you. this is amy poehler. hot american summer. >> it's a very, very solid and funny cast. ed helms. michael ian black. a lot of really funny people. many others they neement even mentioning. >> stephen: why are you not mentioning them? do you not like them? do you not care for them? >> you know why. >> stephen: okay. >> but it's a little bit meta in the way some of david's films are, like "wet hot american summer." >> stephen: let's show the people what you mean. let's watch the clip. >> , so molly, how did you two meet? >> it's a long story. >> we got time. waiter. more wine. >> well, kind of a corny romantic comedy kind of story. >> that is true. >> how so? >> well, joel was a typical

romantic comedy leading man. he's handsome but in a non-threatening way. vaguely but not overtly jewish. >> you're right. just jewish enough. >> and molly is the kind of cute klutzy girl that will drive you crazy but you can't help but fall in love with her. >> okay. we have our main characters. >> not quite. there was another character just as important as the two of us, new york city. >> ah. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: so it's a movie about what movies are like. >> that's right. well, we're kind of poking fun at the tropes of a well-established convention. something i think your audience is familiar. with. >> it's like serving a meal that is something like food, like a hot dog. >> we're presenting something that's almost like a movie. but it does tend to kind of... >> stephen: it sounds like that's almost an attack on romantic camdies. >> it's not an attack on

romantic comedies. at the same time, it is a bit of an homage, but as kind of... [laughter] >> stephen: it's an homage. >> it's a toothless attack but a vicious homage. >> stephen: would have. i love it. that's wonderful. >> it's somewhere in the middle. and then just as we're poking fun at these things that you've seen a hundred time, it will veer off into just weirdvilleville, where a scene will devolve into something just bizarre that has nothing to do with anything. >> stephen: wow. much like the transformers movie. perfect. perfect. >> you see. >> stephen: that is how you put asses in the seats, paul rudd. >> suck on that, michael bay. >> stephen: can you stick around for a minute, because i think we need more of this.

can you stick around? >> i've got to go. >> stephen: we'll be right >> stephen: we'll be right back with more paul ru and i smoked while i was pregnant. my baby was born two months early and weighed only 3 pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is: speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now

son: dad, this is a remix. it's the new red white & blue slam. same thing. hmm-mm. this has blueberries, strawberries and cream cheese icing. you don't know what you're talking about. yup, he loved to say that, too. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: we're back with star of stage and screen, mr. paul rudd. paul, i got to tell you, when i think of paul rudd, the one memory that comes to mind for me is one of the first times i ever met you was... i was on the set of somebody's tv show, you were there, my daughter was there at age six, and she was bored, and you sang, "oops i did it again" with her over and over again to keep her entertained, and my wife and i agree with her, that might make you the nicest person on the planet. [audience reacts] it was the sweetest thing. [applause] >> that's very nice of do you say, but in truth it was your daughter that was entertaining me. >> stephen: oh, really? that's also a very nice thing for you have-to-have said. >> look, i was drunk. i barely even remember.

>> stephen: i was wondering. because you often come off as nice, and what i want to know, are you an asshole who is a great actor, or are you a really nice guy who is a terrible actor? >> i'll be honest with you, i thought this was the first time we'd ever met. [laughter] >> stephen: you're great actor. now, you're getting ready, one thing that's got me excited, one thing i like about actors, one reason i wish i was an actor is you guys sometimes will get paid to get fit, you know what i mean? >> right. >> stephen: like the rock will get bulked up for hercules. you're going to be ant man, marvel's ant man. >> right. >> stephen: have people... are you like getting jacked before they shrink you down? have you had to get fit? >> i've had to kind of try and get in better shape. i don't get too jacked. >> stephen: really? >> it doesn't make sense for somebody that's trying to be at

ant. >> stephen: there has to be that moment of it's hot. the man takes off his shirt. he's got like a six-pack down here. >> i'm working on my mandibles. i'm trying to get in better shape. it is kind of par for the course. >> stephen: you're trying to get in better shape because you're 57 or is it like... did the studio send like a no nonsense eastern european man to make your life a living hell until you have shoulders? >> a little of both. i thought... normally i have had to change my body a little with, working on movies, but for me it's always been the opposite way. i've worked on several movies with judd apatow who insists that i get fatter. >> stephen: really? >> honest to god. he says i... he has said, i want fat rudd. that's how he says it. i've had to eat cupcakes.

"this is 40" he wants me mushy. this is one of the first times i've had to go the other way. >> stephen: it's like de niro, only doing half of "raging bull." >> de niro and i very similar, in style and approach. and we both... >> stephen: i do a de niro. you ever seen my de niro. >> i haven't. >> stephen: "i'm robert de niro. yeah, see, i run this town." >> that's fantastic. that's amazing. >> stephen: paul, at a certain point we probably should go to commercial. >> hey, it's your show. >> i'm not sure it is right now. >> that seemed aggressive. >> stephen: that came out very aggressive and rude. >> kind of a dick. you're kind of reevaluating everything you said about the "oops i did it again." >> stephen: i want to thank you, paul rudd. i think we all want to thank paul rudd for being here. >> by the way, the only reason i got that aggressive, riddled

with hgh and steroids. >> stephen: you're raging right now? could you tear a phone book in half? >> not only could i tear a phone book in half, i could go at least 80 home runs in a season. >> stephen: are your testicles the size of currents? >> little tiny black currents. they are. >> stephen: i wanted so much just to to be a good experiencer you. i do like you so much. it's a lovely guy. >> it was. it really was. i've enjoyed it. i hope i haven't let you down. >> stephen:, no you haven't, because none of this is going on afternoon we're cutting all of this out. >> if that's the case, let's keep talking about my testicles. [laughter] >> stephen: hey, talk is cheap. [laughter] [cheering and applause]

well, we've got to go. paul rudd, thank you so much. "they came together." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]

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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. we'll see you in two weeks. good night. ponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪