captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert report thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us, everybody!

nation, i don't mean to be a broken mp3 file, but i gotta say it again, barack obama doesn't have the right stuff to be president. and i'm beginning to think he agrees because he's started doing something worse than destroying america. he's slacking off at destroying america. >> this week president obama refusing to go to the u.s.-mexican border. guess where the president is planning to go? on vacation. news today that obama will head back to ritzy martha's vineyard next month. >> president obama spent three days avoiding a visit to the border while playing pool, sipping beers and raising lots of money. >> make up, america. we elected a president who'd rather play pool and drink beer in colorado than address the american crisis developing at our border. >> stephen: yes, while america burns, president nero is fiddling on vacation in martha's

vineyard, shooting pool in colorado, and down at disney world, he's just hanging around giving the same speech all day long. must be nice. and you won't believe what he did on his latest trip to europe. peter johnson, jr., break it down for us. >> the salon society of the 17th and 18th century of the enlightenment has come to president obama and to the white house. we know as soon as he stepped off the plane in rome, according to the "new york times," he asked the ambassador, "let's have a dinner party." we can discuss art, architecture, the enlightenment. >> he's brainstorming. wonderful. >> stephen: yes, wonderful! ooh! the enlightenment! the 17th and 18th century intellectual revolution that believed that knowledge is worth acquiring and that the scientific method is superior to superstition and leach craft. oh, garcon!

bring us pasteurized milk and vaccines so we can all live past the age of 30! la-dee-daa! (cheers and applause) nation, it's clear what's going on here. the president has senioritis. he's in the last two semesters of his presidency, and he's totally checked out. tossing back beers, late night bull sessions with friends, traveling across europe, and it's a huge mistake, sir. it may seem like fun to take some time off and find yourself abroad, but, trust me, it never works out the way you hope it will. you're traveling around with your buddy -- let's call him ted -- and you know, you

get stuck for 12 hours on the border between france and italy because of a rail strike, and you don't have any money for food, all you've got are two bottles of wine, but no wine opener, but you meet two cute girls from the rhode island school of design in the next car who do have a corkscrew and you spend all night drinking with no food, so all four of you are feeling pretty good and decide to travel to pisa together, where you all share one big room and things are looking positive, if you know what i mean, except sarah won't go for a walk with ted so you can be alone with bridget. even though it's pretty clear to everyone that bridget is open to it. at minimum, we're talking tongue, big time. i mean, even bridget is trying to get sarah to take a walk -- just around the block -- but, no, sarah is rooted to the ground like a god damn oak. (laughter) (applause) and the moment passes, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

is something that might happen. so, mr. president, just turn in the eurrail pass, come home, buckle down and hit the books before graduation because you only got two years left and you're looking at an f in econ. folks, i don't fighten easy and i don't know why, and that scares me. that's the threatdown! (sirens) all bear edition. (cheers and applause) folks, long-time viewers with short-term memory will know that i am no fan of bears -- brown, black, gummy, even charmin. i'm sorry, but i'm not going to trust some murderous grizzly with the cleaning of my bathing suit areas. i will drag my butt along the

grass like god intended. but recently, these bernstein brutes infiltrated our most sacred institution. >> one wild animal thinks he deserves the comfort of the home. >> check out the bear in my neighbor's yard on his hammock. >> daytona beach home owner vincent james snapped these photos to prove that, yes, a bear was napping in his hammock. james says the bear had been rummaging through the trashcans, then climbed into the hammock "like he was a tourist or something." >> >> stephen: yes, a tourist! or something! it's all in the bear's guide book -- "let's go: eat children." frankly, i can't imagine anything worse than a beer in a hammock, except a bear in a banana hammock. and that brings me to threat number three -- leisure-time bears! folks, don't be fooled -- that bear is not using a hammock to relax.

how stressful can being a bear be? "i need that salmon on my desk in 15 minutes, or you're fired from the forest!" no! they're not laying in wait, folks. here's their plan: it's the end of the workday, you want to relax so you grab a mike's hard lemonade, crank the buffett and jump in your hammock. suddenly, instead of cheeseburger in paradise, it's man-berger in bear-a-dise! trademark! return my calls, weird al. nation, bears will stop at nothing until they've turned our summer fun into their hunting grounds. so take precautions. make sure there's no bear at the end of your slip and slide, or in the back of your tandem bike, or that the shark at the beach isn't just a beer in a shark suit. okay? that happened. that happened. that is based on a true story. and folks, hammocks aren't the

only american leisure activities bears have their eyes on because over a six-year period at croatia's kuterevo bear refuge, researchers reported multiple acts of fellatio between two male bears. that's right. these country bears are having a jamboree. but that's no jug they're blowing on. and that brings me to threat number two. gay bears! i have long feared what would happen if the two greatest threats to america ever teamed up. if this goes any further, we could end up with a whole community of gay men patterning themselves after these animals. and make no mistake! this is a lifestyle choice! researchers saw smokey the pole-smoker over here engage in 28 acts of fellatio over 116

hours, averaging one act for every four hours. truly terrifying. i had no idea bears had that many birthdays. (cheers and applause) finally, i bring you the most terrifying bear in the history of this program. meet pyros, a brown bear living in the pyrenees mountains. you can always tell a european bear because they don't shave their arm pits. pyros is not only a vicious man eater, he's a voracious ladykiller because pyros is father, grandfather or great grandfather of nearly all of the cubs born in the region over the past two decades. can't blame the ladies. just look at him. that thick coat. that broad muzzle. that high zygomatic arch. i mean, tranquilizer gun to my

head? sure. plus, pyros' sexual prowess now means there are only four other males, with just one not related to him... causing a huge risk of inbreeding. which brings me to the number one threat facing america: pyros the beer... for changing my heart about bears. because i was moved when i learned that pyros is "facing castration for his promiscuity." castration? is that necessary? did they even try abstinence-only education? you see, folks, i've always believed bears were godless killing machines. but pyros' story of lost love -- and perhaps gonads -- gives me pause. for the first time, i see that bears and i have something in

common. huge balls. (cheers and applause) this bear gets me right here. this is where my balls start. i see myself in pyros. i also see papa bear bill o'riley. all three of us are alpha males who, according to papa bear's book the o'riley factor, "have dated hundreds of women," and big government wants to bring us down with a sharp pair of sack-clippers. oh, mine would be quite the feather in obama's cap! and, yes, mine have feathers. so i just want to say, run, pyros! run for all of us! don't let them have your magnificent man-sack! you hear me? you get out of here! wait... what's he doing?

oh, i don't know if now's really the time. oh, well. he's happy. saver them while you can, my friend. we'll be right back. ♪ (ch (vo) ours is a world of passengers. the red-eyes. (daughter) i'm really tired. (vo) the transfers. well, that's kid number three. (vo) the co-pilots. all sitting... ...trusting... ...waiting... ...for a safe arrival.

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>> stephen: welcome back. please welcome vint cerf! (cheers and applause) thank you, vint! well, listen -- (laughter) thank you so much for being

here. >> i'm delighted. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of your work. you were credited with being one of the co-fathers of the internet. what does co-father mean and how much did the internet's mother get around? (laughter) back in the day? what does it mean to be the co-father of the internet? >> bob conn and i, the other father of the internet, sat down in 1973 and began designing what is now the internet. the original project was done to help the defense project use computers in command and control. a computer can help you manage resources better which might mean the smaller force could overcome a larger one if the smaller one could manage its resources better than the opponent. >> stephen: did you build the switch where the computer turns

on and kills all of humanity? (laughter) that's the way the movie goes. i've seen the movie. >> that wasn't the plan. >> stephen: what do you make as one of the fathers of the internet of our fear the computers will take over and make us obsolete? do you think there is anything to that idea? >> not in that form. what i do think, though, is we should be worried about computers that make mistakes because they can make mistakes faster than we can and so there is a big issue about keeping the computing environment safe which means we need to be careful about writing software that doesn't have bugs. >> stephen: if you're one of the fathers of the internet, why did you make so it dangers for us to play on, vint? >> well, because at the time, we didn't know it's going to be as popular or as big as it would be. we thought it would be an experiment and designed and use ford military and maybe academic purposes but it got loose and

the experiment got loose and became part of the public. >> stephen: again, nats part of the horror movie i'm writing. your experiment got loose. when i go on, are all of us, are we still part of your experiment? >> absolutely. >> stephen: really? how is the experiment going? >> it's actually going rather well, to be quite honest with you felt about 3 billion people are online right now and every time they come up with new ways of using the internet, we all learn something from that. what's interesting about this whole story is the internet has always been very open to people trying out new ideas and we need to keep it that way. >> stephen: you have been at google since 2005. >> right. >> stephen: you're their internet evangelist. why does google need an internet evangelist? aren't you preaching to the choir? >> no. actually, it turns out that with only 3 billion people online,

there's another 4 billion to go. i'm the chief internet evangelist. >> stephen: who are these 4 billion people who don't want to tweet? >> it's not that they don't want to tweet, it's that they don't even have access to the internet yet. >> stephen: where? all over the world, but largely in the developing world. >> stephen: have you tried carpet bombing them with free aol cds? because that worked in the '90s for a long time. (laughter) >> that has occurred to me. the problem is you have to have something to read the cd with and if you don't have a computer, you know -- they have mobile phones, though, and i think this is important. the mobile phone has become the avenue for people to get access to the internet for the first time. it's quite an amazing marriage. the internet was first designed in '73. the handheld mobile was designed in '73 by marty cooper for motorola and we didn't know about each other at all till

1983 until we turned the internet on, marty cooper turned on the first hand-held phone, so the two technologies -- >> stephen: you started working on the internet in 1973 and you turned it on in 1983? >> it took ten years to actually turn the system on. >> stephen: what was happening in those ten years? if you, bob -- obviously, al gore was there -- (laughter) >> al showed up about 1986. >> stephen: that's still pretty early. >> it's still early on. we turned it on. he helped get it to spread because he helped the national science foundation fund the big backbone, part of the internet that linked about 3,000 universities together plus the supercomputers. >> stephen: so he did help build the internet? >> he did help. >> stephen: you just took away one of my favorite jokes. can you stick around for a second? we have to do a commercial but i want to talk more. we'll be back with father of the internet vint cerf.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. father of the internet vint cerf. is the author of the matrix reloaded, is he with us? (cheers and applause) >> what makes you think you're not in the matrix? (applause) >> stephen: i knowcraty. know e

(laughter) did you have any idea of the impact this could have? by the time you turned it on in 1983 and said, okay, it's working, did you have a sense of the impact you would have because 3 billion people use it, it's only going to expand. i understand you're working on now at jet propulsion laboratories establish an interplanetary protocol? jesus has influence add few people. mohamed made his impact on the planet, buddha's done a thing or two but i only know those three because i looked it up on wikipedia (laughter) so are you and bob conn, the other guy, are you technological prophets? >> i think it would be closer to say we're scientists, we're experimenters and we're trying to device something that would

work and now we're engineers at trying to expand this thing, make it work better for everybody. and of course we have a problem. when he first did the design, we didn't know how many things would be on the internet. >> stephen: how many things are on the internet? >> i don't know, but i know we've run out of addresses for them. the problem is we thought 4.3 billion would be enough -- >> stephen: is that how many i.p. addresses there? >> 4.3 billion. it's a 32-byte number and that's what we started with. we ran out of the numbers in 2011 so we have another version with 128 bytes of address in them. doyle ththem. i'll do the math. >> stephen: go ahead (laughter) (doing math out loud)

>> stephen: so is that enough of number bytes? >> well, i hope so because that's all we've got right now is the ten to the 38t 38th addresses. >> stephen: as the father of the internet would you like to apologize for the comment section on yahoo news? verbal war crimes! (laughter) vint cerf, thank you for giving us something to surf. thank you. (applause) thank you so much! vint cerf, internet evangelist, father of the internet! father of the internet! we'll be right back!

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like the lg g3. >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody! (cheers and applause) 1:59 and 5. this happened on the emmys.com yesterday was our first day back from a little hiatus. our little program @midnight "jeopardy with dick jokes" got nominated for an emmy. stop it, stop it okay. a little more. [cheers and applause] >> this is a testament to you guy whose play along with the hashtag wars and tweet. thank you for doing that. we're in company with -- [cheers and applause] >> stop it, seriously. we're in canny with "the