>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now folks, thank you. thank you, folks. that's great. before we get started, i understand your enthusiasm, ladies and gentlemen, don't get me wrong, i understand. but ladies and gentlemen, before we get started i cust want to address the horrible tragedy in the ukraine. earlier today a malaysian airline flight carrying 295 passengers and crew crashed apparently brought down by a missile. it is an unthinkable loss an our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this senseless act. and there is more trouble in the middle east after ten days of trading missile launches earlier today there was a brief talk of a cease-fire between israel and hamas. that broke down as both sides could agree on the fire part, not so of the cease. (laughter) and now israel has sent ground troops into gaza. this may sound familiar. but this is different than

the last gaza war in that it is happening now. (laughter) and for those of you that don't know, i taped this show earlier in the evening. so we don't have a lot of information on these stories. but we will have complete coverage of both of these stories on tomorrow night's show and i'm-- i'm being told we do not have a show on friday nights. (laughter) okay. oh thank god. (laughter) those are really depressing. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: those are really depressing stories. let's turn to a lighter story. child refugees. (laughter) nation, i come to you tonight with a heavy heart and a bloated liver. you see, i've been drinking a lot thinking about this wave of unaccompanied minors flooding into america, fleeing honduras, guatemala and i believe el diablo. (laughter) sadly, folks, these kids continue to stream in over the border despite our

clearly marked you must be this tall to enter the country sign. this is a clear humanitarian crisis. i want to be clear about something here. i am a human. i'm not a monster. i care for these kids so very publicly. (laughter) yes, i believe in securing our borders but some of my best friends are guatemalan. (laughter) they're small cheerful people. and i am not the only one wearing my heart on my tv sleeve. >> i feel bad, as i said, if i was in south or central america, mexico i would try to get here. it's not the immigrant's fault. >> broken hearted. we're all really feel bad for these kids. >> i've been in central america many times. i have a gaut palan daughter, now an american citizen. i speak spanish. i love the latin america people. >> stephen: i too have a deep love for the latin

american people. i mean these kids aren't just invading our country, they're invading-- in here. and with our hearts full of love for the latin american people, it's clear what we must do -- >> first thing you do is start deporting people, to the by the hundreds, not by the dozens, by the thousands. >> stephen: it's-- praus (applause) plaus it's a tough love. (laughter) or a very soft hate. (laughter) but remember the old saying, if you love something let it go. and if that doesn't work, send heavily armed troops to scare it away. now sure, last week obama deported 38 women and children back to san pedro, honduras, the city with the highest murder rate in the world. it's a good start, don't get me wrong.

but 38 people out of 5200? i mean at that rate, folks, we will not get these-- we will not get these immigrants out of here until-- wait a second this calculator isn't in spanish. (laughter) it doesn't-- it doesn't have the-- (cheers and applause) its spanish ones have that upside down plus sign. and folks, even a troop surge cannot stop these kids because they are surging at our troops. >> so many of these kids who approach the border, they're looking for border agents to turn themselves in, so they can start this now lengthy legal process of trying to stay in this country. >> these kids are turning themselves into the troops. that's like having more customer service reps at the

border. >> stephen: yeah, it's like having customer service reps at the border. though if they're from comcast those kids might beg to be let go. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and i say-- i say-- instead of us sending troops down there, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on halloween. less's turn off the lights and pretend america's not home. (laughter) so the kids move on to the next house, canada. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i hope those kids like pennies and raisins. (laughter) but folks, the worst part of this crisis is where the obama administration has decided to send some of these illegal children. >> a very disturbing report about how the federal government is actually spending millions of your hard earned tax colors to house illegal immigrants at a texas hotel. plans to put illegals up inside a multimillion dollar

resort hot el and we're paying for it. >> the beautiful palm aire resort and hotel mere mcallen texas offering indoor, outdoor pools, which few, sauna, steam, fitness centre. >> it's got three pools, a tennis court, jacuzzi, i would few, was that an appropriate proposal, do you think, to troy and house some of these kids? >> absolutely not. >> oh, i agree. oh, let's all pay for pablo's continental breakfast. (laughter) i bet every night on the pillow they leave a mint, a green card and immigration papers folded into a swan. (laughter) just listen, just listen, this is going to shock you. (applause) this is going to shock you. just listen to these actual reviews of the palm aire resort from trip advisor. one star, terrible hotel. mold and musty. sunken coach, broken handle on shower. stained sheets. the pool was green. this is the worst hotel i have ever stayed in.

i discovered large cockroaches right as i entered the room. that's right, they're even giving the kids pets. (laughter) the bottom line-- bottom line, we love these kids. and the worst hotel in the world is still too good for them. kuz these innocent looking children are anything but. >> i'm telling you your safety is at risk and you are in danger. >> they could be members of gangs, for all we know. >> we've got people coming from countries where there's a lot of crime. >> we know that we're getting more than we've ever gotten from countries where there is islamic terrorism. >> stephen: i think that means they're islamic terrorists. i mean think about it, it makes sense. children take naps in these detention facilities. they're literally in sleeper cells. (laughter) and again, and again i want to point out, i'm not a monster. my heart goes out to these

children. they're not all vicious killers. some of them are merely filthy disease carriers. >> right now we're not sure of their health care status. we have already talked about tb and mrsa. >> we don't even know what all diseases they have. >> sexually transmitted diseases, they will give it to everybody else. >> georgia republican congressman phil gingrey is raising health concerns about the children as well. in a letter to the centers to disease control and prevention he cites concerns about swine flu, ebola virus an tuberculosis. >> yes, actual doctor an republican congressman phil gingrey says these kids could be carrying ebola. and yes t that virus has never appeared outside of africa, but gingrey may have caught it from an illegal already because i believe one of the symptoms is baseless fear leaking out of your ass. (laughter) but thank god-- (cheers and applause)

folks, thank god that patriots all over the country have taken to the streets to protest these rabid-plagued children being spread by obama like festering stool samples across the petri dish of america. and again, and again, i love them. (laughter) one such patriot is arizona republican congressma congressman-- congressional candidate and human stubble farm adam kwasman who showed up with cameras to blow cade buses of illegal children out of pure videotaped concern for their well-being. >> republican adam kwasman was an auricle this morning in protest the busing of pie grants to the shell ter. >> i was able to actually see some of the children in the buses, in the fear on their faces. this is not compassion. >> just one problem, those weren't migrant children on the kbrel owe school bus. they were ymca campers from the mirana school district. >> no, the bus was ymca

kids. >> apologize. >> do not apologize! plav laugh. >> stephen: do not apologize. (applause) stand strong. i for one never trust campers. think about it, they are sent to remote locations where they are trained to use deadly weapons so they can capture our flags. vigilance. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) introducing new johnny appleseed hard apple cider. refreshingly sweet and intense. and bursting with a crisp apple bite. so try a johnny appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow.

it's olive garden's first ever alfredo three course. it starts with our famous alfredo made from scratch. and features four new recipes. like shrimp caprese and chicken with broccoli. the three course italian dinner served with unlimited salad and breadsticks plus dessert. starting at $11.99. at olive garden. [music]"aye" by: new world sound sweat... ♪ ...it says i was here. i worked here. it says i only have so much to give. before i have to take. what i lose... ...i wanna get back. ♪ sweat says, i earned this. gatorade. created to help replace what you sweat out. a totally different breed of chocolate cereal. wicked crunch outside. smooth chocolate inside. krave cereal! take the dare to krave challenge on facebook,

if you dare. it's time for a joy ride.ve challenge on facebook, take the t-mobile test drive. we'll give you a 4g lte phone for 7 days then see how much you can download, post, and stream on the network designed data strong. enjoy the power of the t-mobile network free for 7 days. sign up at t-moble.com/testdrive ♪ [robotic sounds] guess what? i'm not a real human man. but i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now i'm really cool. i got it, dudes. oww! i think you crushed some of my ribs. mmmm, you smell amazing. thank you. i'd get off of you, but i can't get up. maybe i don't want you to. okay.

>> hey, welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, i don't know about you, but i for one am just sick and tired of all the leftie liberal environmentalistless trying to guilt me into doing things like recycling and energy efficient light bulbs and not throwing old car batteries into the tank at sea world. yes, those greens had me seeing red until this new trend blew my mind. (laughter) ma ghenta. >> if you see a truck in front of you belching out clouds of thick black smoke, could be trouble. or could be a new trend called rolling coal. >> drivers paying thousands of dollars to shoot black smoke at other people on the road. >> a new trend called rolling coal. >> rolling coal, that's what it is calling. >> ow, rolling coal or as we used to call it a-- for too

long those earth huggers have shoved their agenda down our throat. finally there is a way to shove our agenda down their lungs. so how does rolling coal work? or based on what i know about exhaust systems, not. >> the way this works is diesel vehicles are modified to increase fuel to the engine. the extra fuel that it burns off as thick black smoke. and if you add in a smoke stack or two the cost of rigging your rig to roll coal can be about $5,000. >> stephen: $5,000. sounds like a lot but it's way cheaper than strapping a webber to your tesla. (laughter) and rolling coal isn't just smoke belching public nuisance, it's a smoke belching public message. >> some say they roll coal because it's fun but many of those who are doing it are making a political statement. either thumbing their noses at the obama administration's effort to lower carbon emissions or

just plain flipping off environmentalists or as they call them nature-- the ones who hate on hummers trucks and suvs but love their prius. in fact, the black suit spewed by cole rollers is often referred to as prius repellent. >> yeah, the only ware to keep a prius away from you is driving over 45 miles per hour. now a lot of coal rollers, folks, a lot of coal rollers orco-ros as no one ever calls them are even uploading hilarious videos of them blasting smoke at people stupid enough to walk or ride a bike. and it's great for meeting the babes. >> do you smoke? >> yes, i do. >> stand by. >> that would make any woman swoon. with the possibility of brain damage. and they don't do to anyone

else what they're not willing to do to themselves. >> you see that, you see that? if you are's against coal rolling, you hate black people. and if you ask me, that's shameful. and if you ask me, would you implicitly did by watching this show, i think coal rolling is the best new way to stick it to mother earth since paint canin where you dump old paint into a river. or porpoise corking where you hammer corks into the blow holes of dolphins. well, well, folks, i want in. tonight i am rolling this, this baby is puring with a pure 4 canon diesel engine blade runner manifold and-- a

pair of desing nuts so jimmy, let's fire her up. whooo! (applause) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! how's this feel? how does that feel, leftie? huh? how does that feel? huh? how does that feel? we'll be right back. yo, untamed larger than life, huh? how does that feel? we'lmove fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the jolly rancher, we make it happen. untamed fruit flavor. jolly rancher.

♪ i got no beef with repetition ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see it through and through ♪ ♪ i got no beef with repetition ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪ ♪ i feel the same way as you do ♪ it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪ we're all born wild. ♪ let's keep it that way. the 2014 4runner.

toyota. let's go places. in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, the 2014 4runner. stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday. to raise the roof, and have some fun. throw away the work to be done. ♪ let the music play on, play on, play on. everybody sing, everybody dance. lose yourself in wild romance. we're going to party, karamu, fiesta forever. bud light lime ritas fiesta forever. use these innertubes in the so, you're sapool?we can't sorry, sir. it's hotel policy. is it really hotel policy? i'm afraid so, sir.

do it. how about now? woo-hoo! i deserve this. you deserve to be fired. full flavors, full shapes. cheetos mix-ups.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight-- (cheers and applause) please welcome steven wise. (cheers and applause) mr. wise, thank you for being here. all right, sir, thanks for coming on the show. i got a couple warnings right up front, okay.

you want-- you're a lawyer right. >> i am. >> an you're trying to get animals the same rights as humans have. in a court of law. >> i'm trying to get a chimpanzee the right to get out of a cage on a rit of habeas corpus. >> stephen: okay so, humans, first of all-- don't worry, i'll get him. now-- what's your argument here. animals are animals, humans are humans, never the twain shall meet, read your bible. what's your argument. >> a chimpanzee is an extraordinary being. she is autonomous. she can be did --. >> stephen: what does autonomous mean. >> that's what judges ask. >> stephen: yeah. >> it means that she can think about the past. she can think about the future. she can think about how she wants to live her life. she can self-determine. and these are the same things that make us so porn that make us want to file writs of habeas corpus when we are thrown in human jail, when she is thrown in chimpanzee jail. >> stephen: you say because an animal is autonomous,

that some animal can make decisions about what they're doing with their life that they should have habeas corpus. >> absolutely. >> stephen: that's an argument saying shia labeouf should not have habeas corpus. >> nass's true. >> stephen: that's what you just said. you got a book here. a "new york times" sunday magazine here, his day in court, okay. this is about one, at least one of your chimps there. >> tommy. >> stephen: tommy, he's a chimp. we have a picture of tommy up here. >> that's tommy. >> stephen: let's take it down because it is sad making. let's take that down. okay, why, why does tommy want out? >> tommy wants out because he's a chimpanzee joo has he done --. >> stephen: has he told you. >> he has not told me. >> stephen: how do you know he doesn't like where he is right now. >> because jane goodall and other people told me that no chimpanzee wants to be kept like that. >> stephen: okay, but man has dominion over animals, right? >> i didn't know that. >> stephen: yes. well-- well, we eat them.

we better, are you a vegetarian. >> not tommy. you're to the going to eat tommy. >> stephen: not if you let him out. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, but this really does, you've also got a book that's out in paperback now, re-released called rattling the cage toward legal right force animals. >> yes. >> stephen: you're on your web site here 2003 you said our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from all nonhuman animals. this case is just the beginning. this is the camel's nose on the slap and the camel gets hab cross corpus too. why should all animals have legal standing? >>. >> they shouldn't. we aren't say-- . >> stephen: all nonhuman animals, your words. >> i think you're twisting those words. (laughter) >> stephen: i accurately quoted those words. >> what our goal is to breach the legal wall that separates all humans from

all nonhuman animals. >> that's right. >> stephen: again, you are taking mankind off of the top of the organizational chart if you allow animals to also have legal standing. then my dog can sue to get on my couch. >> i didn't say your dog, i said your chimpanzee and your elephant and your-- . >> stephen: what do you have against my dog. >> no,-- i will give my card, you give the card to your dog. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: why is tommy in prison right now, what did he do? >> he was born a chimpanzee. and because he's a chimpanzee he's our slave. we can do whatever we want to him. and the folks that are keeping him are keeping him in the way you just saw. they are allowed to keep them in those kinds of conditions. we want to get them out. >> stephen: and what is your desire for tommy does to our

legal system and the standing of mankind, and our primacy in our vision of 9 universe is just, just blechage on the way to your mad goal to release one chimp. >> a simple yes or no. (laughter) (applause) >> what is does is it shows that we can extend justice to wrefer there should be justice, whether we are dealing with a human or any other being. >> stephen: listen f tommy wants to have rights-- if tommy-- if tommy wants to have rights as a person he should form his own corporation. (applause) thank you so much (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: steven wise. the book is rattling the cage. the book is rattling the cage. we'll be right back. at olive garden we're bringing new things to the table. and to prove it we're bringing some real unsuspecting foodies the book is rattling the cage. we'll be right back. to the table too in napa valley. smells incredible. it does. so delicious. this might be the best lasagna i've ever had. mmmm. the thing i love about the salmon is the texture. ok you can open your cards. that is amazing. ahhh. surprise. thank you. our new lasagna fresca and pappardelle pescatore. they're sure to surprise. olive garden. we're all family here.

enjoy an unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch just $6.99. [music]"aye" by: new world sound sweat... ♪ ...it says i was here. i worked here. it says i only have so much to give. before i have to take. what i lose... ...i wanna get back. ♪ sweat says, i earned this. gatorade. created to help replace what you sweat out. land speed record nine times. what was he chasing? what are you chasing?

isaac, what art thou drinking? giveth me a redd's apple ale! an apple what? gravity! what's gravity? i don't know! do you have a bottle opener? it's a twist off. redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like an ale. bacon. that already exists. i know. i just really want some. a mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew..

5 ascent gum. stimulate your senses. (cheers and applause) >> that's it for the report, everybody. >> that's it for the report, >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." thank you for joining us. my name is jon stewart.

tonight's guest, actress emma stone is going to join us. a couple actors talking. all right. one actor talking. [laughter] but first, the real question is this: what time is it? did you really just shout "party time"? you didn't recognize i'm setting up a bit of a routine here? [laughter] just got out of college, just a reflex. what time is it? party time! a little bit quiet now. a little bit quiet now. you may be thinking to yourself, time have the tv on in the background while i have sex. wrong! [laughter] nothing else? i'm not even going to tell you what time