russian weapons, as well. can you shoot that down? excuse the pun, as a theory?orey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight i unriche my anger on amazon except i chose free shipping so i actually unleashed it in 3 to 5 business days. (laughter) then a doping scandal in the world of sports. the winner of the ken den derby tested positive for horse. an my guest nancy pelosi has a new plan to save the middle class. oh perfect, i think he watches my show. the world's second richest man says we should have a three day workweek. now you know why he's only the second richest man. (laughter) this is the cole bert report. (cheers and applause)

captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stechb, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. nation, there's a lot to talk about.

but of course, of course folks i have to start tonight with a shocking international incident that has drawn the attention of every nation. let's go straight to tonight's edition of world news wrap-up. >> the story is still unfolding but preliminary results indicate that prince george is walking. it's magical to see his royal cuteness take his historic firsted to el. and what a relief to know that members of the royal blood line still have the bone density to stand upright. folks this is great. this is great. i don't have a copy of it here. no, this is great. and we're all smiling. because everyone is happy. and i believe that concludes world news wrap-up. (laughter) (cheers and applause) and there are not any other big international stories, right, jim. >> the surface-to-air missile brought down a malaysian airlines jetliner

over the war zone in eastern ukraine. >> some calling it an ago of terror already, and others an act of war. >> stephen: right, yeah, okay. but that was thursday. that was kind of hoping that an atrocity that could spiral into world war iii would have worked itself out over the weekend. evidently not. nation this is an unspeakable tragedy. and i hope tonight to cover it with the same tasteful restraint shown by fox news's animated smoking wreckage graphic. it took themselve control not to use the fox nfl sunday robotment i can only assume that means he's on assignment covering gaza. now folks, it's clear the plane was taken down by a russian sa-11 missile and there are many theories about where these russian-made missiles came from. one theory is they came from russia. (laughter) here's what happened. okay. you got these pro-russian

separatists in eastern ukraine lead by former russian intelligence officer and star of bridge on the river crazy igor german markin, he also goes by the nom de-dush igor strelkov which understandable when your name is sgirkin everyone is always saying hey, awe jerkin girkin, but igor strelkov wa, you can did that. igo strokeoff. yes, i would do that. and strokeoff here-- (applause) (applause) and stroke-off is old secret police pals of vladimir putin who gave him a bunch of surface-to-air missiles despite the fact strokey commands a group of rebels who have been described as a motley band of fighters who are a drunkin patchwork group that is beyond the moral boundaries. in other words, vladimir putin essentially armed the jugalos.

and if this story were not tragic enough, among the victims were six people headed to the international aids conference. hiv researcher norbert brockmeyer said the normally cheerful mood at the aids conferences will now be absent. (laughter) that's right, these bastards have managed to make aids depressing. (laughter) jimmy, i'm sorry, this is too much. you can give me a shot. of george. >> oh, look at him. he has little skinny royal overalls. look at that adorable little bottom. and the baby is cute too. (laughter) (applause) >> okay, back to the-- this is an obscene and violent

situation involving warring groups in lawless foreign territories and one tyrant bears the blame. barack obama. (laughter) >> senator, there's a lot to unpack there. specifically regard to russia. this crisis over the downing of the malaysia airlines flight. what did secretary kerry not say? what is the administration not yet prepared to do that you think must be done? >> well, and he didn't call putin the thug that he is. >> stephen: here here. this horrible tragedy could have been avoided if president obama just called putin a thug. so once again, ladies and gentlemen, it falls to me to prevent further international crises. vladimir putin, you are a jerk, sir. (cheers and applause) you-- you-- i'm sorry, i got to say it. you-- you are a stupid poopy face. jimmy, whs's the reaction in the ukraine. and yes, the russians are pulling out of donetsk.

you're welcome, world. i had to. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i had to. folks, that wasn't easy for me to do. i have long been one of vladimir putin's biggest fans. in 2008 i supported him for president of the united states. i defended him against pussy riot plus all those famous shirtless hunting photos, guess who took those. (laughter) i guess i'll be taking shirtless hunting selfies from now on. folks, speaking of war, for the last six weeks we in the colbert nation have been at war with on-line shopping giant amazon. oh we're going to wipe the smirk right off that boxes face. it all started when amazon began playing hardball with my publisher hachette for refusing to stock their books including my three best-sellers.

i just hope it's all resolved by july 28th. because any one of my books is the perfect way to say, i was thinking about you on world hepatitis day. (laughter) and amazon's unilateral embargo is especially harmful to first time novelists. also harmful to them, deciding to be a novellist. so to fight back i told you to preorder the hachette book california by edan lap uki even though that might encourage-- our goal support california on "the new york times" best-seller list and thanks to you this sunday california debuts at number three. we did it, jimmy, pop the plastic packing thingies. dheers plaus -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. thank you, stephen, stephen,

stephen! >> stephen: thank you. by the way, by the way, all of this, all of this came in an amazon box to protect the watch battery that i ordered. needless to say, needless to say edan la pukei has become a publishing sensation sign --,000 copies of california in three days, i assume her followup is about a young woman battling to overcome a crippling case of carpal tonel syndrome and her agent is also negotiating the film rights. i hope it comes out soon so i don't have to read the book. (laughter) obviously no one was more pumped than lapuki herself who said getting the colbert bump has left her with a mixture of elation and nausea. yeah i got to say, a lot of ladies say that. by the way, amazon is a sponsor of tonight's show.

so i accept your apology, gentlemen. here now is the woman who made it all possible for me to make it all possible for her, please welcome california author edan lapuki. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> all right. all right. congratulations. congratulations. congratulations on the success of california. >> thank you. >> stephen: now for the rest of your life people legally have to refer to you as "new york times" best selling author. >> oh, of course. >> stephen: that can't be taken away. that's like senator or ambassador. all right, so walk me through the colbert bump. >> i mean it was bonkers. it was a beautiful moment. scherr mann alexi called me. >> stephen: that was the guy who gave me your book as a recommendation. >> he called me and said i'm going to talk about your book on "the colbert report."

and i pretty much fainted out in the backyard. and you know, scherrman alexi is a big time author. and i've been reading him for many years. >> stephen: you're a big time author too, now. >> now i am. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now the book sales you're number three right now on the best-seller list. it's the third goodes book in america right now. it's about a post apocalyptic dystopia in california. so essentially california. (laughter) has it got a happy ending. don't tell me the ending, but is it a happy ending. >> you have to read to find out. (laughter) >> it leaves it open-- it's pretty happy. >> stephen: okay, yeah. okay, is there another hachette author that you would like to bump here tonight to tell the good people out there, maybe they can take a look at.

>> yeah, i'm reading stephane eric clark's book sweetness number 9 which is so good. >> stephen: is it a new author. >> a deput novel. >> stephen: called sweetness number 9 by stephane. >> eric clark. >> stephen: stephane eric clark. stefan i will ask you to cut two of those three names it. just stefan clark, sweetness number 9. if are you look for another book to bump, that would be the one. edan where do you go from here. are your hands okay from signing so many books. >> you know, they are. they called me the robot because i could sign 10,000 copies in two days. i was the fastest signer ever. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. you are a good writer. well, ed an lapuki would you like to thank the colbert nation. >> thank you colbert nation for buying pie book and reading it and i'm so, so incredibly grateful to be on

the show and have my book talked about. i just really appreciate it. so thank you. >> stephen: you did it, the colbert nation. did you it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: edan lapuki, california, thank you so much. good luck. we'll be right back. (son) oh no... can you fix it, dad? yeah, i can fix that. (dad) i wanted a car that could handle anything. i fixed it! (dad) that's why i got a subaru legacy. (vo) symmetrical all-wheel drive plus 36 mpg. i gotta break more toys. (vo) introducing the all-new subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. that's about as american as it gets. woman: what do you mean? blueberry pancakes, strawberries and cream cheese icing, starting at just $4.99. apple pie, watch out.

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please welcome congresswoman nancy pelosi! (cheers and applause) congresswoman, thank you so much for joining us thanks for being back. it's always good to have a formidable adversary to be talking to acrossed table. all right? we meet again, my old nemesis,. >> hello my friend. >> stephen: hello. we're not so different, you and i. we both have our agendas. let's talk about the last one you tried to push on my show. the last time you were here we came to a meeting of the minds, you had something called the disclose ago where you would try to get politicians to disclose all the donations to their-- to their associative path or 501 c 4s. in return i said i would help you if you would get more people more members of congress to be part of my better know a district series. i upheld my end of the bargain, you upheld your end of the bargain.

we proved people could do things across the aisle. >> there we go. across the aisle. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what are you pushing tonight? what nefarious-- (laughter) >> stephen: northern california, san francisco value are you pushing? on the nation tonight? >> tonight i'm pushing our agenda of the heart of it is when women succeed america succeeds. (cheers and applause) sses no offense, madame, listen, no offense but that is implying that women are the middle class. what about the men in the middle class. haven't you just emasculatted them. >> no, we're getting to that. but what we're saying is the best thing we can do to grow our middle schras unleash the power of women. people pay for equal work. raise the minimum wage a fordable child care. going on, invest in education to keep america number one, and third keep

jobs here in the u.s. for good tax policy. and build roads, bridges into structure broadband in our country so that all americans can participate in our prosperity and in an economy that works for everyone, not just the privileged few. >> okay, all right. (applause) we will get to the fact that you're engaging in class warfare in just a moment, okay. you just did it, you just fired a-- how will you get it done though, because nothing gets done in washington. >> that's right. >> nothing gets done in washington. how can you possibly get this done. what are you going to use. do you have naked photos of john boehner doing something? how you could possibly get-- because republicans-- you got the mental image. >> no, i -- >> and if you do, if you do is the tan uniform. >> (cheers and applause) >> nope, all right. how you could possibly get

it done? >> win the election. all we need is 17 votes to take back the house for the american people. or-- . >> stephen: for the democrats. >> the democrats. >> stephen: there's a difference. >> well, for them, for issues that help them meet their needs. >> stephen: but that would make you speaker of the house again, probably. >> well, somebody, some democrat. >> stephen: some, some democrat wearing a blue linen suit, who cares who it is. why would you ever want that job again? john boehner is on the edge of a nervous breakdown. he looks like he's going burst into tears, isn't that a hard job? that's an incredibly hard job to hold, isn't it? >> well, when we did, we were able to pass the affordable care act. we were able to have wall street reform. we were able to save millions of acres of green acres in america. good things about jobs, about health care, about education, about working for the american people. i didn't love being speaker,

but i liked getting the job done for the american people. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you can stick around for a moment more because we've got to particular a little break but i want to talk to you about a couple of other things. >> all right. >> stephen: we'll be right back with nancy pelosi. please stick around. (cheers and applause) we're trying our best to be role models.dels. we don't jump at the sound of the opening bell, because we're trying to make the school bell. corner booth beats corner office any day. we make the most of our time... and our money. the 2014 malibu. highest ranked midsize car in initial quality the car for the richest guys on earth.

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for my frequent heartburn. because it gives me... zero heartburn! prilosec otc. the number 1 doctor-recommended frequent heartburn medicine for 9 straight years. >>you can't beat zero heartburn. prilosec otc. one pill each morning. 24 hours. zero heartburn. >> welcome back, everybody. we're here with representative nancy pelosi. now before the break, by the way, is speaker pelosi, leader pelosi, what should i call you. >> nancy. >> okay. i want to be respectful wile i attack you for attacking the middle class, okay. >> no, no, i am promoting the middle class. >> okay, i forgot what is the name of the thing are you talking about. >> middle class jump-start. >> when will you start jumping on the middle class sm. >> we're jumping for the middle class. >> are you going to raise taxes. guys like me make millions of dollars a year, are you going to raise taxes on me.

>> let's talk about this. what we have is to stop giving tax breaks to corporations that are shipping jobs overseas, instead give tax breaks to keep good paying jobs here. >> stephen: you know i'm a corporation. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's attacking me. i'm a corporation and this entire show is written in malaysia -- >> and we're going to build road, bridges, broadband, water systems by closing tax loopholes for special interests in the tax code. >> stephen: let's talk about a couple of other issues real quickly. immigration, why do you think obama is encouraging all these children to come to the united states? (laughter) what is his plan? what is his drift here? you guys are going to register these 8-year-olds from guatemala to vote, right? >> i know you're a very devout catholic. and i wish you would read the catholic conference bishop's report. they talk about the baby jesus being a ref guey from violence as an example.

and they tell it-- . >> stephen: he didn't ask to be a citizen in egypt. he didn't ask to be able to vote for the far owe. he went back to the holy land eventually. >> they didn't vote for the far owe in those days. >> stephen: okay. >> but the fact is-- . >> stephen: i didn't know that. >> that was not a democratic system. no-- this is a humanitarian crisis. and it needs a humanitarian response, and it also needs a response that says if you have a legitimate claim for refugee status or asylum, that's one thing. if not you're going back home. but let's do that expeditiously and let's do it with respect for the dignity of each of these people. so-- . >> stephen: you lost middle class jump-start,. >> middle class jump-start. >> stephen: last week when will it be lost launched. >> let mow say this while we were announcing on steps of the capitol waving the american flag about the middle class and all that,

the republicans were inside with a hearing to sue the president of the united states for enforcing the law. >> stephen: why shouldn't you do that? they wanted the president to roll out the affordable care act, you know, swiftly, as they always have wanted. (laughter) >> no what they wanted was 50 times they voted to repeal the affordable care act. but they're talking process. we're talking progress, we're talking jobs, they're talking lawsuits. >> stephen: if the president is being a tyrant what choice do they have but to take him to court. obama can always countersue. everyone in washington can get mobdz up with lawyers and we'll let judge judy decide the entire thing. (laughter) well, thank you so much for joining me. house democratic leader nancy pelosi. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right >> stephen: we'll be right back.

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