(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much! thank you ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, tonight, we are all painfully aware of the ongoing tragedy along our southern border. despite our best intentions, it remains impossible to pair an outfit with turquoise jewelry! (laughter) don't believe the man at the kiosk, you will look like an extra from dances with wolves (laughter) another big issue from down there, thousands of central american children poring over the border and the president is

doing nothing to stop it. all the jumping and running on trains, i'm sure it's part of the first lady's let's move campaign. for months now we've been sold a bill of goods and these kids are fleeing places back home like san pedro sula, honduras, known as the murder capital around the world. they're probably padding the numbers by lumping in the murder in the suburbs. the president sent a fact finding mission to honduras and guatemala. most immigrants from central america according to the congressman are driven by economic reasons not fear of physical danger in their homeland! that is a welcome relief. these kids aren't worried about violence, only starvation. (laughter) folks, you know you can trust pearce's findings because he cultivated an i want mat understanding of the region

during a visit to guatemala and honduras over the course of the weekend. (laughter) it's really all you need. i learned all about the desert by spending a weekend at burning man. lav laugh turns out the desert is full of drugs and impractical bicycles. and congressman pearce found no evidence of danger anywhere he looked, which it turns out was mainly around the hotel lobby, as perses said, he and the rest of the house delegation did not venture from their hotel very often because of the dangers. (applause) the point is -- (cheers and applause) bottom line, these immigrant children are not refugees, they're just parasites looking for jobs, and if i were them i would try to get one at that hotel because apparently it is the only safe place in torn (laughter) now, nation, if you're anything like me, you get all your news from me. i recently learned a bombshell

from myself. i was catching up on old episodes of "the daily show" when i came across something that really caught me with my pants down -- and, yes, that's how i watch the daily show. (laughter) it's that good. and this segment blew my pants back on. >> john, this is going to come as something of a shock to you. >> you're ending your show. i'm ending my show. i have to, jon, don't beg me to stay. >> all right. you see, there is no mountain left for me to climb. it's become clear to me that i've won television. yes. (applause) the "the colbert report," thank you. thank you. thank you, my friends. thank you, nation. yes, the "the colbert report" is coming to an end. (audience reacts) >> stephen:, no, no, don't be sad. i'll be great.

you just won't get to see it anymore. i won television just in time for it to turn into netflix. i've done all i set out to accomplish, spoke truth to power, won the iraq war and met the most influential scandinavian hip-hop-swing fusion group of 2009. and i have but one regret -- barack obama will outlast me in office, with two years of no colbert to rein this man in! by the time he leaves in 2016, everyone in america will be pot-smoking gay immigrants in a polygamous relationship with a biracial box turtle! (laughter) thankfully, there is one last hope for stopping him. >> calls for president obama's impeachment is increasing. >> prominent outside conservative voices have called for president obama to be impeached. >> impeachment is a message that has to be sent with our president that we're not going to put up with this lawlessness. >> stephen: you can trust sarah palin on impeachment

because she is an expert of leaving office in the middle of a term (cheers and applause) i say it is time to do this thing! impeaching is what republicans do best! let's make barack obama just as unpopular as bill clinton! and i have no doubt that all of my fellow conservatives stand with sarah -- >> what's your response to governor pailen? >> i disagree. what about the folks in your conference room calling for impeachment? >> i disagree. think sarah palin is wrong. look, this isn't the time for us to go into that exercise. >> we are not working on or drawing up articles of impeachment. >> i think it's a distraction that's not shared by most republicans. >> but i want to impeach him now! i've already sent out of mifulliers for my im-pizza party! (applause) but, folks, no matter what happens, i have got to keep

talking about it. we all have got to keep talking about it because impeachment is a moneymaker. look at former congressman and actor playing grey-haired man in community theater allen west. in a recent email to supporters, west wrote, today sarah palin joined tens of thousands of conservatives when she called for impeachment of barack obama. in light of this growing movement, i've decided to open the guardian funds impeachment survey for a limited time. will you make an emergency contribution of $5 or more right away so we can get this survey into the hands of as many conservatives as possible? that is a man you can trust. he's got a vague plan where you do all the work and pay him $5. sign me up! (cheers and applause) for the record, anyone out there keeping score, it's not just the g.o.p. democrats are also using impeachment talk to gin up donations like the democratic

congressional campaign committee who sent two e-mails with subjects like "breaking impeachment" and netted nearly 10,000 dosages in nearly 24 hours. wow, to make that kind of money that fast you usually have to go into kickstarter and say you want to make potato salad (laughter) so whether you agree or not with impeachment, might be a good investment. we turn to my good friend, african-american and black-trepreneur, p.k. winsome! everybody, come on! p.k., come on, give it to me, brother, yeah. all right. p.k. winsome, thanks for being here, my friend. >> absolutely, stephen. >> stephen: p.k., it's always pleasure to have you in the house. >house. that's correct. >> stephen: you are not only a successful businessman, i understand you traffic in stolen

kidneys, snake venom, african ivory sex toys -- >> guilty as charged -- unless i'm being charged with any of those things. >> stephen: p.k., let's get to the heat of the meat. do you believe we should impeach president obama? >> that's a serious subject. impeachment, a very serious subjects. for $5, i'll send this survey to your home so you can figure out how serious a problem impeachment is. all proceeds go to action network which sends out uh a second survey asking for a $10 donation. i can't wait. >> stephen: people are excited. >> yeah. they love a good deal. >> stephen: yeah.

i can't wait for the results, stephen. >> stephen: important work, p.k. here's my $5,nym. >> great. >> stephen: p.k., i want to impeach the president. what can i do with your help to make that happen? >> mm-hmm, yeah. well, stephen, i have a step-by-step plan to impeach president obama. it's all in my new book -- look out, obama, you're being impeached! >> stephen: a strong message. but let's pretend i don't want to impeach the president. anything i can do to stop it? >> yes! buy my book, "look out, obama, you're being impeached!" >> stephen: sorry for asking but is that the same book? >> good eye, stephen. it's choose your own adventure. on each page, you decide whether or not to impeach president obama. spoiler alert, no matter which

way you choose, he is eaten by a dragon. >> stephen: thanks for all the work. keep us updated on all the future opportunities. >> actually, i do have one more opportunity. if you are a fan of or participant in history, you will not want to miss this exclusive opportunity to own an honorary doctorate of fine arts from knox college. (cheers and applause) this was once bestowed on tv's stephen colbert. >> stephen: p.k., that's my doctorate. that's from my desk. (laughter) >> absolutely. and with the show ending, it's a collector's item -- for just $5,000. act now and i'll also throw in this 2013 emmy for the -- (cheers and applause) -- it's for the sho "the colbert you know, stephen, this will look great on your self. >> stephen: i can get both for

$5,000? >> for a limited time. >> stephen: it's a deal, my friend. (laughter) ♪ ♪ now t-mobile is setting music free. stream all the music you want. data charges do not apply, on the data strong network.

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(ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks, anybody who's watched this show for any length of time knows that i am an enormous fan of celebrity power couples like brangelina, kimye and filliam h.

muffman. unfortunately, the world recently cost superstar athlete couple rory mcilroy and caroline wozniacki, or as they're known by their power couple name mccorollary winsocky. he's a professional golfer, she's a professional tennis player. as sad as the breakup is, fortunately, each has moved to the sixth stage of grief, winning an international sports tournament. on sunday, wozniacki won the, te istanbul cup and mcilroy won the british open. in fact, mcilroy was so excited he was seen making out with his new trophy girlfriend, a trove y. breakups are the only performance enhancing drug. makes sense. all the biggest accomplishments in human history have been fueled by a bitter breakup. who can forget how after watching the first atomic bomb

go off, robert oppenheimer famously said, i am become death, destroyer of world because you destroyed my world, kimberly. (laughter) true story. and, of course, there were neil armstrong i conk words fro icone moon landing. >> one small step for man, one giant leap for man kind. and one huge (bleep) you to sheryl. i'm on the moon. i haven't seen your friend andrew up here. >> stephen: if you decide to take rory back, do it in time for him to break up with you before the u.s. open. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is here to talk about russia and ukraine. please welcome julia ioffe! (cheers and applause) julia ioffe, thank you so much for being here. you are a senior editor at the new republic and you've worked for the "new yorker." you're a native russian even though you're an american citizen, came here when you were seven. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: we are talking a lot these days about the ukraine and russia and that relationship. i know this is a huge story and i care about it. why is it huge and why do i care in ways i never care about other international stories. i can ignore the rest of the world. why has this got us all gripped? >> people didn't care about this conflict very much at all.

it had come off the front pages for the last couple of months, nobody was paying attention to it until a plane with citizens of like a dozen countries was downed by a missile by these knuckleheads fighting in the region. >> stephen: is that a technical term? >> an i.r. term. >> stephen: you have spent time with these russian separatists in the ukraine. >> they call themselves the volunteers. they call themselves the people's republic of donetsk, but the soldiers are volunteers because a lot of them just picked up arms and went to fight because they watch a lot of russian tv. >> stephen: okay. and russian tv has, like, the shows like "who wants to be a rebel"? what's on russian tv that makes people want to fight against their own countrymen? >> for the last few months, since february, russian tv has been telling them a fascist has

taken power in kiev, coming to rape women, eat their children and burn their land, so a lot of people are picking up arms and going to fight. >> stephen: is that what the evening news is like in russia? is there a free press in russia? >> no, there isn't. most russians get their news from the tv and it is mostly outright owned by the kremlin or companies who are loyal to the kremlin. o so the heads of the major tv channels come to the kremlin once a week and meet with a guy in charge of tv at the kremlin and they set the agenda for the coming week. >> stephen: okay. you met with igor bezler, nicknamed the demon. is he a good guy? >> very sweet (laughter) he's actually a bit of a loose canon -- >> stephen: is he one of the volunteers? >> he's one of the leaders of the volunteers. he's not even a ukrainian

citizen, so it's weird he's fighting for this ukrainian movement, for ukraine to secede and join russia. he was born in soviet crimea. >> stephen: he's one of the leaders of this group who's trying to break away. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: in donetsk? am i pronouncing that right? >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: is that russian for "little doughnut"? >> no, i think because of the river it's called that. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) if i'm not mistaken, this bezler is one of the guys who the ukrainians say they have a recording saying "we just shot down a plane." >> uh-huh. >> stephen: is he upset or happy they shot down a plane. >> he's a little flustered. he swears a lot and said, man, seriously, this is 100% a civilian plane. what's interesting is his

handler in russia is saying, oh, they must have just been dropping off their spies. >> stephen: okay. there are a lot of conspiracy theories in russia as to what actually happened with this plane. what are some of the crazier ones? >> my favorite is malaysia airlines flight 17 is actually malaysia airlines 370 which as we notice appeared over the indian ocean four months ago and what actually happened is it didn't fall into the indian ocean. the americans took it, killed everyone on board, drained them of their blood and took the plane and all the corpses to an american military base, shuttled it to holland, rigged it with explosives -- it's very simple -- (laughter) -- and because takeoff is complicated, they had live pilots doing the takeoff, then they parachute out. first they put it on auto pilot, parachute out and the plane explodes when necessary over

eastern ukraine. >> stephen: that's a plot from sherlock, that's actually one of the sherlock the series. >> that's right. >> stephen: is putin going to be harmed by this? because we're imposing more sanctions, supposedly. we're drawing a line in the sand or at least a line in the cash. is he going to care? >> he's going to care a little bit, but he sees himself as an historical figure that is meant to kind of resurrect russia, bring back its greatness, so he's willing to tolerate economic pain to achieve the goals. >> stephen: is this neo-soviet? are they trying to reconstitute the russian empire and if so should we throw back in with the austrian hungarians and give india back to the british? >> he's not very good at thinking long term so he takes a little bit from this and that play book, so, actually, when the russians took crimea and the west was all up in arms about it -- well, not up in arms, they didn't do anything -- they were

very upset about it -- >> stephen: metaphorically up in arms. >> that's right. one of the deputy prime ministers of the russian federation said, well, we're going to get a toehold on the moon and start colonizing the moon because the russians are willing to suffer for a great idea. >> stephen: do you think they're actually going to colonize the moon? do you think that's actually going to happen? >> no, i think they would mess it up along the way. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: it would make it so much less romantic to stand underneath the russian moon... (laughter) because it wouldn't be made of green cheese, it would be made of borscht. (laughter) thanks for joining me! julia ioffe, the new republic! student: i don't want to just be a student, i want to do it all. blue shirt: well you can with these 2-in-1s. they have a powerful intel processor inside which allows them to be both a laptop and a tablet.

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who don't have electricity 400 million people funds are limited. and i just figured that it's time i do something about it. what we're doing right now, along with ibm, is to actually transfer data through a satellite from our wind farms directly onto the cloud. i think we could create a far more efficient system across the whole network where we could actually draw down different kinds of energy based on when it's needed by the consumer.

a smarter energy system is made with the ibm cloud. the ibm cloud is the cloud for business. to tof 5-hour energy a little...strong,e don't miss the 5-hour energy one-hundred thousand dollar yummification contest. mix 5-hour energy with your favorite beverage. name it. shoot it. send us the video. you could win a share of one-hundred thousand dollars. for complete rules and requirements go to five hour yummification dot.com the 5-hour energy yummification contest... it's delicious! they import intense juiciness from the land of intensity. get this intense juiciness to starburst! you know i will! have a pleasant day! thank you! get back to work! [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. >> stephen: well, that's it for the show, everybody. but before we go, i just want to take one last opportunity to thank my good friend

p.k. winsome. thank you for being here tonight and thank you for being here for the past nine years. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: might be the last time you're ever on the show because it's ending this year. you mind if i ask, p.k., before we go, what does park stand for? >> percy kittens. >> stephen: thank you, percy. thank you for your service. (cheers and applause) good n captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central

[theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a very nice show. tonight's guest, listen to me, men, richard linklater. he's the director of this movie "boyhood," which if you have not seen it yet, turn off the tv. [laughter] leave the house and go see it. it is wonderful. but first, as you know, this world is a perilous place. recent events beg real answers from our nation's leaders for a concerned public. from immigration to rogue nations to conflagrations, this past sunday our nation's leading journalistic light saw answers to the day's most pressing question. >> you've been on "the daily show with jon stewart." fair to republicans? [laughter]