Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 25, 2014 6:58pm-7:30pm PDT

6:58 pm
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you so much, what a crowd! what a crowd. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen. (cheers and applause) do you feel that? do you feel that waive of love? -- that wave of love? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. nation, the 2016 presidential election is closer than you think, unless you think it's about two years away. but the race was just rocked by a bombshell poll conducted by
6:59 pm
statistical-- statistical savanat, the cockiest guy in your fantasy football league nate silver. when he was still working at the "new york times" silver nailed every one of his election predictions. now he's over at espn. but he's still doing vital analysis. case in point, his recent poll comparing the favor ability ratings of star wars characters. (laughter) yes, nate silver is now officially in a gal axy far, far away from journalism. the star wars results were then picked up by "the washington post" who further crunched the numbers. and found that darth individual certificate polling higher than all potential 2016 presidential candidates. (cheers and applause) folks, this is shocking. a group of broadly outlandish unbelievable characters are less popular than the people from as far wars-- star wars. let's go straight to the result, everybody. you got emperor palpatine
7:00 pm
running evening with marco rubio. now many people expected palpatine to do better against the florida senator but remember in florida they're suspicious of anyone wearing a hoodie. and with good reason, with good reason. and on the democrat side, hillary clinton is trailing well behind yoda who, at 900 years old still gets viewer fox news questions about his age-- fewer fox news questions about his age. he looks good, had a little work done, he has. now some will say that lumping two unrelated polls together is like comparing corelian apples to mandalorian oranges-- look it up-- ball's in your court jon stewart. but nation, these numbers don't lie. so based on these results i'm officially endorsing darth vader for president of the united states. (cheers and applause)
7:01 pm
folks, let's face it, the electorate is becoming more and more diverse and there's no question he is a strong black candidate. (laughter) and he's got a plan to put americans back to work in a massive infrastructure program. plus lord vader is a veteran fighter pilot who knows what it's like to work in an oval office. so folks, vader binks 2016, mesah prove this message. nation-- (cheers and applause) nation, i've got something on my mind and now i'm going smear it all over yours. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up i'm hooked on the hbo show "true blood" and it's all thanks to fox news
7:02 pm
anchor shepard smith who dropped a few subtle hints about how much he enjoys it. >> do you watch that show true blood? >> sunday is episode 2 of true blood. >> true blood is back. i'm telling you, don't drink the v come on, dront drink the v. >> don't drink the v, thank you, mike, don't drink the v. >> dow not watch true blood, but i can get aferpd up on v and do all kinds of weird things. >> stephen: all kinds of weird things like that one time is help gave out his hbo password and then demanded people watch true blood while holding a knife to brick human's throat. which is why i am so sad to give a wag of my finger to "true blood" for making my blood truly boil with last week's episode in which the vampire snuck into a benefit for ted cruz in a transparent hollywood attack on republicans. >> i told her that her mommy and gaddie were going, he hung up.
7:03 pm
>> looks like we're going to a gala. >> security's going to be tight. >> and they will be ass--- of all the horrible things i have been in the last 100 years. >> oh my god-- i'm a republi-[bleep]. >> stephen: did you hear that? did you hear that, a republ-c word i can't say. well played hollywood, that is the most demonstrating critique of a political ideology since karl marx published "das kapi-taint" and i'm not the only conservative up set by true blood's agenda. >> sunday night's episode of true blood series was a conservative bashfest. but the vulgarity of attacks has many asking did the show go too far? >> folks need to understand that tv is all about attitude implanation, it's all about creating feelings inside of you.
7:04 pm
here is the thing, most people don't actually know who ted cruz is. they tend to vote based on the feelings that they have, largely implanted by the entertainment industry. >> stephen: well said. the entertainment drives our political discourse. remember no one was talking about income inequality until the debut of "two broke girls" but we-- we should not be surprised at all that vampires are democrats. after all, they scream when they see a cross. (laughter) next up-- next up, folks, give me a second here, i want to make sure i got my plastic tarp down because the next story makes me so happy i might start leaking news juice, jim. >> obamacare suffers perhaps its biggest setback yet. >> a federal appeals court ruling the affordable care act as written only allows insurance subsidies in states that set up their own exchanges. >> coverage for millions of americans enrolled under president obama's health care law may be in jeopardy.
7:05 pm
>> big blow for obamacare and we're accurate in saying. >> that's how you know a news organization is trustworthy. they make the extra effort to point out when they're being accurate. (laughter) and folks, they are, this time. obamacare-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: make no mistake, they are accurate in saying that obamacare is dead. now the last time i declared obamacare dead i dropped balloons and then twerked with the grim reaper. so folks, that's all been done. but like voting to repeal obamacare, we are going to do it again. come on! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! ♪ ♪ kuz i'm happy ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: he's a good guy.
7:06 pm
death say good guy and a hell of a dancer. and this happy news brings me to the tip of the hat to the washington d.c. court of a peels. you see, in a 2-1 vote the court this week ruled that res dents of the 36 states that have not set up their own obamacare insurance exchanges cannot get federal health care subsidies because the exact words of the affordable care act say that subsidies are available to people who are, quote, enrolled in through an exchange established by the state. and because it's written exactly that way the court ruled that subsidies are only available on state-based exchanges, not on the health care.gov exchange and they base it on the well established precedent, you forgot to say simon says. (applause) nation, 5.6-- 5.6 million people could now lose their insurance because of this phraseology. i believe this is a triumph of typo over intent.
7:07 pm
the democrats who wrote this law should have proofread it or at least not have sent it from their iphone. this ruling is just the latest in our nation's long history of legally binding typos. who request forget the brief, dangerous period when americans only had the right to keep and bear rams. (laughter) but-- folks as constitutional originalists, all conservatives believe that when you make a typo, you have to stick with it i mean why else would anyone name their child reince priebus. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪
7:08 pm
now t-mobile is setting music free. stream all the music you want. data charges do not apply, on the data strong network. hey,ird cries ] throw me a pepsi. ♪ the cooler! ♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new wild cherry and vanilla pepsi made with real sugar. ♪ gotcha. who wants a drink? [ all cheer ] [ male announcer ] a real big summer starts with new flavors of pepsi made with real sugar. ab some before it gets away. get the pepsi!
7:09 pm
[robotic sounds] guess what? i'm not a real human man. but i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now i'm really cool. i got it, dudes. oww! i think you crushed some of my ribs. mmmm, you smell amazing. thank you. i'd get off of you, but i can't get up. maybe i don't want you to. okay.
7:10 pm
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight was the founder of pay pal, tesla and space x. i on the other hand enjoy pie. please welcome elan. so thanks some of for coming back. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right. good to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: now i can't begin to till the excitement i get over the things you do. all right. tell people, are you one of the founders of pay pal. you're a scientist, you're an inventor. you created the initial concept for solar city, largest provider of solar
7:11 pm
power in the united states, space x, tesla and pay pal, also designed something called the hyperloop which can transport riders from l.a. to san francisco in 35 minutes. at what point-- (applause) >> stephen: at what point do you tip over from visionary to supervillain? (laughter) and where are you building your secret mountain lair. >> i'm wondering that myself, actually. >> stephen: what i love about you su saw the future as a kid, i imagine, and said yeah, let's make that happen. >> yeah. >> stephen: because the future you're giving us is the future that i saw, i saw x-men on saturday night and when i walked out to my tesla because i have a tesla. and it just, it just-- the door handle came out, and i just felt like it was my fantasy. i said i don't need the damn movie, i've got a car. >> yeah, we kind of want the car to be your friend, actually. in fact, with the new version of software coming out you will get to be able to name your car. like it's a pet or
7:12 pm
something. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: what would you name your car. >> well, i actually, since i have the advanced software, i have named my car. (laughter) >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i named it -- -- that's nice. >> stephen: don't name it old yeller. >> right. >> stephen: okay. let's talk about space x for a second. people know you already from tesla. i want to show a little bit of footage here of one of the test flights you have done for reusable rockets.
7:13 pm
>> okay. >> stephen: that is one of the most bad ass things i have ever seen. (applause) >> stephen: that, that is what we were told rockets were going to be able to do when i was reading all of those '50s science fiction books as a kid. >> that is what they should do. >> stephen: why is that so important. >> the main thing that it is important is that we want to achieve reuse ability with rockets. the way rockets work today, they are single use. and you can imagine that if you had an aircraft or car that was single use, not many people would use it because it would be too expensive.
7:14 pm
so we need to make the rockets completely reusable such that you just need to reload propellant to fly again. >> stephen: this seems to me is the kind of rocket we need to be able to go to mars. >> that's right. >> stephen: because you can't go there and build another locate. you have to land, suck some hydrogen out of the water and soil, pack it back in and off you go. >> yes. actually, you could conceivably go to mar with an expandable system. but you would only be able to spend send a few people maybe on one or two missions and in order to actually establish a mars base, that is where the reusable is critical otherwise it is simply too expensive. people won't be able to afford to move there. >> stephen: so more immediately than going to mars, we've got to get up to the international space station. >> yes. >> stephen: and the ruskies said no more rides for you, americanskies. >> i believe russia said
7:15 pm
america should use a trampoline to get there. no joke. they did say that, kind of crazy. >> stephen: you're the only company actually sending payloads up to the international space station right now. the only private company doing that. what is the name of the company that is doing that. >> space x and then-- orbital sciences is our competitor for-- they also take cargo to the space station. >> stephen: so of two you are doing it. >> yes, although we're the only company that brings stuff back in terms of cargo back. >> stephen: so if i were going to go up, i would want to go with you guys. >> yes, if you want the return journey. >> stephen: i don't want a one way ticket. >> right, right. >> stephen: now that the russians have said they're to the going to give us rides any more, how good is that for you. can you step up and take over for its manned flights? >> i mean, arguably, with enemies like that, who needs friends. but yeah, i suppose russia is being helpful, yeah-- . >> stephen: you think about
7:16 pm
spending them some flowers,. >> sure. >> stephen: how long before you are sending men up or women. >> yeah, so we-- we hope to be sending people up in about 2 to 3 years, the aversion to trackon spacecraft is able to land pro pulsively and with precision. >> stephen: like that thing just did. >> yeah, similar to that although it has 8 flight mounted thrusters and uses throw theeling for control instead of-- the main engine. >> stephen: you don't have to tell me (laughter) >> stephen: you can hang on a secretary. i want to talk more here for a secretary. we have to take a commercial break. we'll be right back with more from elan musk. stick around.
7:17 pm
student: i don't want to just be a student, i want to do it all. blue shirt: well you can with these 2-in-1s. they have a powerful intel processor inside which allows them to be both a laptop and a tablet. student: and lightning. fencing coach: see right here, you've got to make the attack. vo: save $100 on select toshiba 2-in-1s. best buy. america's back to school techfitter. white chocolate loversividual. don't like dark chocolate. milk chocolate lovers don't necessarily like dark or white. before we couldn't really allow the consumer to customize their chocolate. we needed a scalable cloud solution allowing them to
7:18 pm
select what they are looking for. now there is endless opportunity to indulge. customization is made with the ibm cloud. the ibm cloud is the cloud for business. pizza hut's cheesy bites pizza is back. try one now for $11.99 or get any other pizza for just $11 online. pizza hut.
7:19 pm
a mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew.. 5 ascent gum. stimulate your senses.
7:20 pm
>> welcome back, everybody. i am hear with space x and tesla motors founder elon musk. the two of us are talking as i said i've got a tesla and i love the car. and it's miles-- it's the
7:21 pm
best damn golf cart i've ever-- it really acceleration is incredible. >> thank you. >> stephen: incredibly comfortable. they won't let me take it on the links at my club but other than that, you recently made all the patents for tesla available to everybody. say we are not going to-- you people if they use our at that time ent-- patent of technology of tesla. why are you giving away the store like that. why are you being the edward snowden of -- >> right. the right analogy,-- if we are all on a ship together and we-- and there's some holeses of the ship and we are bailing water out, and we have a great design for a bucket, then you know, even if we are bailing out way better than everybody else, we should probably still share the bucket design. because we're all going to sink. (applause) >> stephen: last question, your a futureman where is my
7:22 pm
jet pack. >> you know, you can-- actually if you look on youtube there is a lot of interesting video. >> stephen: i don't want a cat in the jet pack, i want to get in the jet packness rights. >> stephen: have you worked on a jet pack of your own. >> i haven't, no. no, i-- minot sure about jet packs. there is some fundamental fisics that make it very difficult to have a jet pack t would be very noisy. >> stephen: hard to land with a rocket on its tail too. >> true. >> stephen: eyes on the prize. >> but you know, something i think would be great to have is if that aircraft should be for aircraft takeoff and landing. >> stephen: like a hairier. >> kind of like a harrier but it's better to move with the fan then it is to dust the air. >> stephen: right now the harrier does it with dust and duct tape 1 imagines. >> i think the harrier is a
7:23 pm
great plane but i think there is a real opportunity to have a vertical takeoff and landing, electric supersonic jet. >> stephen: electric jet. >> yeah. >> stephen: that shoots sparks out the back. i don't understand. how do you have an electric jet. >> you use an electric mott tore drive a fan. >> stephen: okay, okay. >> yeah. >> it's-- actually the aircraft are mostly sound driven-- traditional jet aircraft like when you see something called a jet engine like on a triple 7, it's got that huge-- it looks huge, and that is because most of the propulsion is really coming from the fan. so-- . >> stephen: so you need a big fan. >> yeah. it's really-- . >> stephen: really it's a prop plane that they dressed up to look like a jet. >> kind of that, yeah. >> stephen: i have been lied to. >> well, there's some value
7:24 pm
to having ducts but it's actually more efficient to have an open fan if you just care about efficiency of mile but can you have factor if you have a duct situation. >> stephen: what is next, what is the next thing, what are going to blow my mind with? >> well-- what dow wish there was? (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: i wish there weren't any tables. i wish that computers didn't have to be typed into. i think the mouse on the keyboard is terrible. it's a terrible interface, that i should have a relationship with the machine and i would have a discussion of my needs and it would do it. >> rights. >> stephen: and i also think that cables on anything is terrible. not communication, but charging cables as well. >> yeah. >> stephen: that i would just walk into my house and thing was charge. >> right. >> stephen: or i would have a subscription service to a chargesing system and that
7:25 pm
anywhere i went in the united states, there would be a charge that would follow me around. >> right, right. okay. okay. (laughter) >> stephen: will you get back to me. >> no, we'll done-- do it. >> stephen: thank you, elon mosque, spacex, tesla motors and wireless charging. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. but hurry, offers end july 31st. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. offers end july 31st. to know the importance of using protection...against themselves.
7:26 pm
but if they break it, we'll replace it under the it happens protection plan. get a free screen protector and installation with the purchase of a cell phone or tablet. only at radioshack. ♪ let's make this right. nicely done. enough! uhh. check please. ever dream of being the hero? hey, you guys mind warming this fella up for me?
7:27 pm
i'm gonna go back down, i saw some recyclables. be him with verizon xlte. find a car service. we've doubled our 4g lte bandwidth thanks! in cities coast to coast. hey, don't worry, i got this... so save the day with verizon xlte. on the largest, most reliable network. get the new lg g3 with a quad hd display and 13 megapixel camera for $99.99 refreshingly sweet and intense.d hard apple cider. and bursting with a crisp apple bite. so try a johnny appleseed hard apple cider tonight and let the stories flow.
7:28 pm
can i pet your cloud please? sure! [ rumbling ] woah! aah! he doesn't like to be touched there. mmm! [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow! taste the rainbow. >> that's it for its report, everybody, good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing]
7:29 pm
[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. very good show tonight. my guest tonight, oh, one of our favorite, mr. fareed zakaria. fareed zakaria will be joining us on the program tonight. people are hooting because apparently tonight at "the daily show" it's chuck e. cheese night. everybody in the audience, it's their birthday, the entire, entire audience. but first, we've thrown certain public figures a fair amount of shade for one unseemly dining habit, a pizza with a fork. it's the greatest sin a new yorker can commit next to doing carnal things with an onion bagel. turns out we got ourselves a repeat offender. >> bill de blasio and his family arrived in naples today. >> he was caught using a fork