bill will will be worth only 77 cents. plus think about this. i mean just from a moral, just from a moral point of view if my wallet is filled with ladies, i can't keep it next to my butt, i'm a married man. and what about when you and your bros are having a night out if there is a female face on the money tucking into a g string might somehow feel demeaning to womenment and sure right now there aren't any women on our cash but there are plenty of portraits of women in other important places. bathroom signs, mud flaps, syrup bottles. and if women get on paper money i demand a mr. butterworths. where does obama expect to fit all these women. is he going to make new bills? what denomination will it be. 3, 7, shoe. more importantly, what president obama fails to realize here is that we

already have currency with a woman on it. the $2 bill. it's not used much, i know, but it probably honor-- proudly honors our founding mother, mrs. doubtfire. nation, i've just been informed that starting tomorrow israel and hamas will begin a 72 hour humanitarian cease-fire. though they have agreed in hour 73 to resume their inhumanity this conflict in israel has been going on for, what is today, july 31st, 3,000 years. (laughter) and we've all been heartbroken by the horrors of this war. but now there have been disturbing reports to damage to one of our most important international institutions, one direction, who are according to credible reports, divided over gaza. that's right. one direction-- (laughter) one direction-- (cheers and applause)

now has two directions. (laughter) i mean this makes me question a lot of my previous assumptions. i mean what if you do know that you're beautiful? that would mean you're no longer beautiful. i mean this could subvert the entire field of boy band epistemology. of course there are other victims of this conflict, the news media. with accusations of violence being hurled from all side, reporters, anchors and pundits are caught in the crossfire. though of course not cnn's crossfire. not even u.n. inspectors have seen that show. just listen, listen to some of these serious allegations that the media practise a pro-israel slant. >> take a look at this. just a few of the israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu's interviews on american networks in recent weeks. >> benjamin netanyahu is been on television so much you would think he was an anchor, a coanchor on some of these shows. benjamin netanyahu and israel prop gant-- prop

gandists are largely given carte blanche to see what they want on american information with little pushback. >> look how much air time netanyahu and his folks have on air on daily basis. i never seen one palestinian being interviewed. we're ridiculous. we are disgustingly bias when it comes to this issue. >> stephen: really? i do not see a pro-israel bias on msnbc or on cnn's the situation cab us. because-- kubbutz because god knows charges of bias go both ways. here is how they say the media's anti-israel bias works. >> what about this charge that we hear from israeli leaders and some of their supporters in the media the palestinians deliberately display dead bodies to score propaganda points. is that a fair allegation. >> you see the picture of the civilian destruction and the civilian casualties. so it's almost an unfair comparison when you see bodies versus talking heads. >> they are losing this. they only have the face of

benjamin netanyahu. you can't compete with dead godies. >> stephen: she's right. because that's how war works. we all know whoever has the most dead bodies wins. (laughter) thankfully, a group called the international press institute has stepped in to end the conflict over reporting on this conflict. it's a nonprofit that promotes press freedoms around the world. and it has created a helpful guide to covering the israeli-palestinian conflict called use with care, a reporter's glossary of loaded language. >> i've got the list right here, all right. this is the actual list. so i can report on the conflict without using any sensitive trigger words. for instance, the word trigger. (laughter) and to help me do that, i've got my intern jay. jay the intern, come on out, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay, now, folks, jay, good to see you my friend, nice to see you. now folks, what we've done, jay and i have set up a

computerized monitoring system to alert me with this very computery red computer light, if i inadvertently use a word that is offensive to one side or the other, it will alert me. now with that in mind, let's get right to the latest from these disputed areas. >> what was that. what was that? >> are you not supposed to say disputed areas. the guide says there is technically a dispute but pro palestinians feel that reference to disputed areas legitimizes the israeli government's control of them. >> stephen: okay. then i will call them shooty places. (laughter) now to the latest update on the aggression-- wait what did i say. >> aggression. israelis find the word problematic when used to describe military operations. >> stephen: that's perfectly understandable. okay then on to the latest measures -- >> no measures.

>> stephen: right, right, because that implies someone's thought before doing something. okay, okay, how about this. we now turn to the latest actions. activities. today things occurred-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) meanwhile in jerusalem-- it's the name of a city. (laughter) but it's a very disputed area. >> aha!! not so easy, is it, jay. you know what, just forget this whole thing. the entire situation is [bleep]. (laughter) (cheers and applause) oh, well, great, well great. well then we'll have complete coverage of this

cluster [bleep] until they reach a final settlement. closure-- hum us-- we'll be right back. seriously? i can't say that? (cheers and applause) don't just visit san francisco. (water dripping and pipes clanging) visit tripadvisor san francisco. (soothing sound of a shower) with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, nation, i have said it before, you know it-- folks, opinions are like a holes, in that mine is the best. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, some scary news out of poland where a priest claims to be receiving text messages from the devil after performing an exorcism on a polish girl causing satan to possess her mobile phone. i got to say satan using cell phones does make sense, though satan's contracts are slightly easier to get out

of. i think we've all woken up after a night of drinking and found our phone sent some texts that could only be the work of the prince of darkness. and i have no idea how he got photos of my groin, charlene. so i got to give a reluctant wag of my finkeler to beelzebub for phoning this one in, come on you are the prince of lie, the incarnation of all evil, the sultan of swat. and this is the best you can do? i know sloth say deadly sin but possessing a cell phone is just damn lazy. is possessing someone face-to-face just too much effort for today's millennial demons? whatever happened it to a little human devil contact. in my day this is what possession was. what are you going to do, send an emoji for project aisle vomit? and then text roftmho for

rolling on the floor twisting my head off? but for anyone out there who suspects their smart phone might be in need of text-orcism, do not take it to the genius bar. you will be there for an eternity. (laughter) stay tuned for more of the tip wag power hour coming up right after this sentence. next up on tip wag everyone knows nasa has seen better days. the budgets were bigger, the goals were higher, everyone looked like ed harris. now our space program is gutted. but like the crew of apollo 13 i have never lost hope and i store my urine in bags. well, over the weekend, folks, america finally got some good nasa news. >> nasa's space rover on mars making some news of its own on sunday driving 25 mile, setting a new record for the longest off-earth driving distance since it arrived in mars in 2004. >> stephen: which is why i'm giving a tip of the hat to

nasa for their feat of off planet road off-roading. that's quite an achievement, folks. because as the rover's project manager said, opportunity was only intended to drive about one kilometer. so basically about as much as a chevy cobalt. but what really has me excited about this new record is the record it broke which had been held by the soviet union's remote controlled lunokhod 2 rover which covered 24.2 miles on the upon back in 1973. which explains why opportunity used its 25 miles of tire tracks to spell out suck it, vlad! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] don't just visit miami.

[ jackhammer pounding, horns honking ] [ siren wailing ] visit tripadvisor miami. [ bird chirping ] with millions of reviews, tripadvisor makes any destination better.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is the founder of the educational-- project, first goal transparency project becomes fact. please welcome campbell brown. (cheers and applause) come bell-- campbell good to see you, thanks for coming on. nice to see you again. it has been awhile. >> it as been awhile. >> stephen: you are a former anchor for cnn and nbc. since leaving tv news you have become an advocate for school choice and ed raise-- education reform. the most recent is-- files

against the state of new york this week challenging teacher tenure in the public school. now i'm no fan of unions, but why do you have your guns out for these people. it's the same reason i am? so they can quit their lavish lifestyle of their 1983 honda civicsives driving around town? >> first let me correct something you said. we're not filing the lawsuit. seven parents in new york city who have kids in new york state who have kids in public skols are bringing this lawsuit. >> stephen: what is your role, just a putinski. >> we're helping them and sporting them. >> stephen: how are you supporting them, giving them money, cashing. >> no, we're helping them find legal help in order to bring their case. >> stephen: you're not helping pay for the legal help. >> the legal help is pro bono. >> stephen: it's pro bono. i don't speak spanish. (laughter) sorry, no habla pro bono. >> kirkland el sits law firm doing the work and they're doing for free that means for free. >> stephen: okay. so you got some people mad at you for this. this doesn't happen very often but there were protestors outside of my

studio today. >> i heard. >> stephen: going after a campbell brown. what you have done to upset these people? >> well, i mean they're trying to silence the debate, that is a really important debate that we should be having in this skriz do they not have the right to protest. are you silencing the protest. >> absolutely not. but i want these parents to have a voice in this debate too. and what they're trying to do is change a public education system in this country that people across the political spectrum believe is in crisis and needs to change. >> stephen: how is it crisis in new york, what is the problem here. >> so if you look at the outcomes, student outcomes in new york, okay, so 91% of teachers around the state of new york are rated either effective or highly effective and yet 31%, 31% of our kids are reading, writing and doing math at our grade level. how does that compute. how you can argue the status quo is okay with numbers like that. >> stephen: i went to public school in south carolina and 31% sounds like a majority to me. okay. okay.

but so why are we blaming-- why are we blaming the teachers? maybe it's the dumb kids, you ever thought about that? kids are rated effective maybe we cut the kids loose and put them back in the bobin factory. >> this is not about blaming teach ters. >> stephen: blaming teachers, sounds like you are, the teachers union, here, aren't you. >> i am blaming the teacher's union because they are fighting attempts to change laws that are anachronistic. >> stephen: again, i don't -- >> outdated, antiquated. >> stephen: okay, that sounds good. >> so you know t it comes down to what your priorities are. and if public education is about kids, then every decision we make should be focused on the question of is this good for a child. and that should be the driving focus and the priority, when we decide where our policies should be and what our laws should be. (applause) >> stephen: they're going to clap -- >> what do they know. >> stephen: you are playing the good for child card. okay. is this based on children

being able to get access to equal education? >> that's exactly right. there was a similar case in california. and the plaintiffs in that case won. and some of our plaintiffs the other night are happy to be here. >> stephen: you can mention t i will edited it out but you can mention it. the thing is aren't you opening a can of worms there because if you say the kids are entitled to equal education f that is your argument, doesn't that mean eventually you're going to say every child in the state of new york should have the same amount of money spent on their education? rich community, poor community, pool it all in, split it all up among bobe , susie and billy everywhere. because the argument is everyone gets the same opportunity. >> but you're suggesting that it's all about the money. and i think-- . >> stephen: you're suggesting it's about equality and money is one of the equations in equality or have i just schooled you? >> there have been many cases brought to fight the cause that are you bringing up right now. but in addition to that,

because i do think there should be equality in the money. i think we should be paying teachers more. but on top of that we should also be treating teachers like professionals, evaluating them and trying to get an effective teach her in every kid's classroom. and all the research shows that the least effective teachers are being centered in the most disadvantaged schools. so the poor-- . >> stephen: how does that work out. >> so what the tenure laws do combined with dismissal protections is make it impossible to fire a teacher who is found to be incompetent. it takes on average 830 days to fire a teacher who has been found to be incompetent. >> stephen: who gets to say whether a teacher is a good or bad teacher. who gets to make that call. >> it's a combination of the principals and the people who are in charge of, you know, you have to evaluate. >> stephen: parents complaining. >> if a lot of parents are complaining, there is probably something to that. >> stephen: what if are you someplace where the parents don't want certain things taught to the kids, because i would love my kids not to be taught evolution. could i get a teacher fired if i believed evolution

wasn't a good thing if they didn't have tenure. >> that is one of the arguments is that they're going to lose-- . >> stephen: i'm in the in the union. >> they are going to lose due process if we change these laws but that's simply not true. everybody has a right to due process and a right to a fair hearing. it's very hard to argue that a law that makes teacher layoff decisions or employment decisions solely based on seniority is the right thing to do. when you have the teacher of the year in california being laid off and a teacher who has been found to be incompetent keeping their job. what does that do to the kids? i get that you want to defend teachers. and nobody wants to attack teachers. >> stephen: i don't really want to defend teachers or unions, i mostly just want to attack you. just trying to win, campbell. >> why. >> stephen: just trying to win, all right. your organization, where does its money comes from. that is one of the things they asked me to ask you. >> i saw that on my twitter feed today. who is funding this effort? >> stephen: who is funding your effort. >> kirkland ellis, the law firm. >> stephen: the law firm is funding it. >> the law firm is doing this for free so we haven't

gone out to raise money. >> stephen: you haven't raised any money. >> i'm going it to be raising lots of money because we're going to try to bring-- . >> stephen: after this, the colbert bump, you're going to be rolling in it. (applause) >> but we want this to be, we want this to be a national effort. we want to help parents in states across the country who want to do similar things. >> stephen: so its partnership for educational justice has not raised any money so far. >> yeah, we are raising money. >> stephen: who did you raise it from. >> i'm not going to reveal the donors. >> stephen: i respect that because i have had a super pac. >> i hear you. but part of the reason is the people who are outside today trying to protest, trying to silence our parents who want to have a voice. >> stephen: exercising the first amendment rights. >> absolutely. but they're also going to go after people who are funding this. and i think this is a good cause and an important cause. and if someone wants to contribute to this cause without having to put their name on it, so they become a target of the people who are outside earlier today, then i respect that. >> stephen: well, i respect you.

(laughter) i was trying to figure out who i would respect at this table. and there was no one left but you. campbell, thank you so much for joining us. >> good to see you. >> stephen: campbell brown, partnership for easy cational justice. we'll be right back. you guys coming to my barbecue? steve's b-b-q. ya ya is this right? oh hey guys! subway is bringing big barbecue flavor with the applewood pulled pork.

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>> stephen: well that's it for the report, everybody. good night. good night. (cheers and applause) ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ look, eric, mommy got you a present. a present?! is it a rocket racer?! no, let me guess. it's a frogman dave doll! no, wait, i know. it's a police power chopper! no, i got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow. mom, i'm not gonna win the spelling bee. i never do. this year's gonna be different. look! i got you "hooked on monkey fonics"! [ chimes ring ] what the hell is "hooked on monkey fonics"? it's a new way to learn how to read and spell. and it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee. wagh! it says we just put the cassette into a tape player. [ chimes play ] woman: welcome to "hooked on monkey fonics." level 1. i will read the sounds, and the monkey will help keep the beat. if your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey.

ready? let's begin! [ chimes ring ] [ playing rhythmically ] ♪ the learning monkey is here to say ♪ ♪ that reading is easy and it's okay ♪ ♪ work with the monkey and you will learn ♪ ♪ to spell hard words like "morbid" and "fern" ♪ start with card 1. ready? begin. c-h. ch-chalk. c-h. ch-chalk. good, card 2! t-h. th-there. t-h. th-there! hey, this is easy! i'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, mom. all right, everyone. welcome to the 15th annual south park spelling bee finals! [ cheers and applause ] this should be very interesting. we have with us 12 of the brightest spellers from south park elementary. [ chants ] kyle, kyle, he's our man. if he can't win it, i'm out 50 bucks.