lawyers wouldn't let me sell the vibrating nipple head that. would have changed lives. finally before we go i'm sick of you asking me to show puke videos much we will be gone until 2012. to shut you up until then i thought i would put one last bad taste in your mouth. (puking sounds) >> oh my god (puking) >> oh my god (puking) >> daniel: good night. maybe i will see you next year. ♪ >> stephen: tonight, a new threat from africa!

your upstairs neighbor is learning to play the djembe! and a raging sandwich controversy -- rye, rye not? and my guest brian chesky founded air b & b which lets users stay in homes around the world. i have a product that does that -- a crowbar! (laughter) hawaii is facing back-to-back hurricanes, so when they're saying aloha to one, they will be saying aloha to another! (laughter) this is "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report"! thanks for joining us!

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome! welcome, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks... folks... i'm sure you know, but america's relationship with russia continues to degrade. finally, a true strong leader stepped up to punish russia and, no surprise, it's vladimir putin. (laughter) jim? >> vladimir putin is striking back against the west's economic sanctions. today banning food imports to russia for one year. >> for the next year they are banning all imports of beef, pork, fruit, vegetable, poultry, seafood, cheese and milk in all forms -- fresh, frozen, processed, whatever -- and this applies to european union, australia, canada and norway. >> stephen: yeah, putin is impose ago ban on food imports from all major countries -- and

norway. (laughter) i mean, face it. no one wants lutefisk. sanctions cafe' wide, banning everything from australian beef to latin and lithuanian pork and moldovan fruit, a relief to all the moldovan people who all really had their eye ton that pear. (laughter) the sanctions strikes at putin's worst enemy, the russian people. >> experts say putin is only hurting his own country. >> stephen: putin is cutting off his nose to spite his face and russians are scrambling to get the fresh nose meat because they sure aren't getting our chicken. >> the items on the list now blocked from russia are u.s. chickens. >> russia is the second largest buyer of u.s. chicken. >> stephen: russia has now

choked off our chicken. but if russia wants to mess with american business i intend to fight back with my nine-part plan! (cheering) it's actually a nine-piece plan. (cheering) oh, oh really! what are we supposed to do with the surplus? i'm sure you're enjoying your chicken kiev -- or whatever it is you're kiev-ing now. i don't know how you could make it worse for us unless you were to say ban kentucky bourbon. oh, golly! does that mean -- (cheers and applause)

-- does that mean more whiskey for us? (cheers and applause) mmm! that is not a problem! okay. i mean, whatever will we do? i mean, i guess we'll have to start cooking chickens in it! i mean, bourbon glazed chicken! (cheers and applause) i mean, oh! i mean -- it's -- it's no cold beet soup, but it will do! (laughter) you really got us with these sanctions, putin. i just hope you don't double down! oh... that reminds me... (cheers and applause) yeah! das vidania! (cheers and applause)

mmm! mmm! mmm! mmm! mmm! folks... (laughter) -- i'm so glad you're joining us tonight if you are joining us. we taped the show at 7:00 so by the time you're seeing this, you're probably dead because, this week, the ebola outbreak that's been ravaging west africa finally spread to west-west africa, america. jim? >> the growing ebola fear spreads around the country. there are fears the outbreak will continue to spread. >> americans panicked over a possible ebola outbreak. >> fear and panic over a possible ebola outbreak. >> growing fears about ebola -- >> stephen: yes! we're all afraid!

(cheers and applause) we're all afraid about a coming ebola outbreak! (cheering) everyone is on high alert! (cheering) but mostly bill in our graphics department! (cheering) here's how the plague has spread so far -- two american health workers who contracted the disease while treating patients in africa have been evacuated to emory university for emergency medical care. to add to the horror, emory is in atlanta so they probably had to fly delta! and it brings me no comfort to know that ebola is spread only through intimate contact with bodily secretions such as vomit, blood and feces. speaking of vomit, blood and feces... donald trump. (cheering) donald tried to warn us about this looming pandemic via

twitter. stop the ebola patients from entering the u.s. treat them at the highest level over there. yes, we should have treated these desperately i'll americans at the highest level in liberia! no civil war era medical technology should be spared! the freshest leaches! the finest bite sticks! and, sure, sure, these people were providing medical care to desperate villagers, but that doesn't mean they deserve special treatment, right, donald? >> they are great people, tremendous people, but they have to suffer the consequences (audience reacts) >> stephen: no, no, he's right! no, no, hey, hey... i said no! (laughter) you have to suffer the consequences for your good deeds! that's why mother theresa's tombstone reads "she had it coming"! (laughter) and the number of new ebola cases in the u.s. is impossible to count because it is zero! (laughter)

>> so far six americans in the united states have been tested for ebola, thankfully all tests came back negative. >> it's pretty hard to catch so i think if you're upset about having a major outbreak in the united states you should really just relax, you know, take a deep breath and worry about getting hit by a car because you have a lot higher probability of that. >> stephen: you heard him, ebola has spread to our car dealerships! no wonder that salesman looks so sick! he's having a spasm and they still make him come to work! (laughter) (applause) but, folks, just because no one has caught ebola in america doesn't mean ebola can't catch you! fox brain surgeon ben carson, infect us with your fear. >> if there were a container of contaminated urine and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace, a lot of damage could be done. you always have to guard for the worst case scenario. so, you know, someone comes up

to a lab worker, he knows he's got the urine, how would you like to have a million dollars? a little transaction there. i mean -- you say that's crazy, never could happen. such things have been known to happen. >> stephen: now you may say dr. ben carson is just yanking (bleep) out of his ass, but, remember, that's another way ebola is spread. (applause) dr. carson is right. dr. carson, this good man is right. you should always guard against the worse possible case scenario and, frankly, i can think of worser scenarios. first the terrorist inject urine into circus lions and release them into a boy scout jamboree. or a group is on a bus and passes the c.d.c. and they hit a

high c. and causes the vials to shatter. then a cold front moves in and sucks all the ebola into the sky and suddenly it's raining death pee pee! or often plausibler, it's friday and the c.d.c. throws a party, fun place, they serve cups of mountain dew but they can't tell it from the urine and somebody could actually drink pee-bola! (laughter) (applause) i'm just joking. (laughter) i would never do that. they're both urine. (applause) we only have one chance. it is clear that we only have one chance to stop this spreading panic. we must isolate the source of the outbreak. our imagination! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) folks, i don't know about you, but way back in the day when i was a little kid and i needed a question answered i always used to turn to my favorite family member, tv. (laughter) it answered all the big questions like what's happening and who's the boss and howdy

doody! and now i'd like to use tv to answer your questions in my weekly viewer mail segment i do twice a year. it's time to check the inbox. (laughter) here's today's viewer letter. here you are. dear stephen, which is the superior sandwich the b.l.t. or club. please settle this, i've got a lot of money riding on it, sincerely pope francis, the vatican. okay, your holeness holiness, ie avoided this for years because b.l.t. versus club is politics. it dates back to palestine and could use or muslims eat the sandwich. on the one hand, you have the b.l.t., an honest sandwich that teleses you everything you need to know up front. it has bacon, lettuce and

tomato. on the other hand, you've got the club. what does that acronym stand for, chicken, lettuce, underwear and balloons? that's disgusting! sounds like the dumpster outside party city. plus the b.l.t. is inspired by god. the bacon, lettuce and tomato represent the holy trinity. the lettuce is the holy ghost because nobody is sure why it's there. (laughter) mean while, the club also has bacon, lettuce and tomato but it ruins the perfect lineup by adding turkey. that's like when crosby, stills and nash ruined their lineup by adding a turkey! (cheering) he, of course, is later replaced by neil young who did not have the turkey vocal range. meanwhile the b.l.t. is a warm, inviting sandwich, welcoming to all. but the club sandwich is so exclusive. oh, what's that? you won't let me into your sandwich club because i'm not

wearing tennis whites and my last name doesn't end in iii? you've got a lot of nerve -- which i think is one of your ingredients. the b.l.t. can stand on its own whereas the club has no structure integrity and has to be propped up by a decorative tooth pick or as the child said, mommy, the sandwich shived me in the mouth. while the b.l.t. is between two nice bread slices, the club has an extra layer of toast. a freaky bread three-way, a my a minage of toast. it's so good it must have more bread? how am i supposed to toast three pieces of toast? oh, i know, i'll use my three-slice toaster! (bleep) you! i'm sorry, folks! no, no, no! it's not even a contest, the club will do if you have fallen

down a cra vases and can't eat your arm. the clear winner is the b.l.t., it's an american hero. it's an american hero that is way better than an american hero. i hope that answers your question il papa. how about those indulgences i asked for? they shouldn't have built the retirement home so close to where my car was driving. jim, let's close the inbox. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) get a large, two-topping pizza for just $7.99, at pizzahut.com. a deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the $7.99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut.com. the best pizza hut deals live online. pizza hut! watching your favorite players come on, get open... yeah... with nfl mobile on verizon. yes! get in there!

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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is the c.e.o. of the room sharing service air b & b. every air b & b i stayed in had air. please welcome brian chesky! (cheers and applause)

hey, brian! what's going on? >> thank you. >> stephen: you're the co-founder and c.e.o. of air b & b, a $10 billion hospitality exchange company. what is the difference between air b & b and just home prostitution? because some of these houses are literally on street corners. >> the whole idea is we have this idea, what if you could have your home anywhere in the world. we wanted to take the strangeness out of it. >> i can go homes all over the world, already. >> you get to meet them before and with the click of a button you can have a castle in ireland, a boat on cape town or a home in paris. >> how do i know the person won't kill me and wear my skin? (laughter) >> the whole idea is there are

no strangers here. you get to meet people, see their profile and it works off trust. you get to read the reviews of people who stayed before with people in this house. you can read and message them when you're comfortable. >> stephen: what inspired this? >> i moved into my roommate and we couldn't afford to pay rent. in san francisco, there was a conference in and the hotels were sold out. there was a bed and breakfast, they didn't have any beds. joe just moved up there. joe pulled three air beds out of the closet, inflates them and we realize it's an air b & b. >> stephen: that's why it's called air b & b! >> yes. (laughter) >> stephen: this is called the new sharing economy. >> right. >> stephen: i missed the day in kindergarten where they taught us about sharing. i don't like it. >> okay. >> stephen: (laughter)

we've got yo uber, task rabbit - eventually, will everyone below the 1% just be helping each other? why do you think this is taking off? >> i think this is taking off because with the sharing -- what the sharing kind of really means is now people in 60 seconds can become microentrepreneurs. if you have a skill, doesn't matter what economic class you're a part of. what this really means is people now have the power to become entrepreneurs. >> stephen: who doesn't like you because of this because you've gotten heat from various cities and hotel chains, have you or not? >> we've got an little bit of heat, yes. >> stephen: all right, why? i think that there are some people who don't want to change the way things are. i totally understand that. that being said, you know, we launch during economic crisis of 2008 and there were people who really needed this change to happen and i think it's fundamentally good for the world

(applause) >> stephen: but you guys are competing with these huge hotel chains, and i just want to ask, should people have the same rights as corporations? (laughter) >> you know, air b & b is a corporation and we started -- i was the first host of air b & b. i believe everyone should be able to participate in the economy like a corporation. >> stephen: do you still use it? >> i'm staying tonight in new york on the empire state building. >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: have you ever had a bad experience with the air b & b? >> i have not. >> stephen: if you had said yes, as c.e.o., i would have fired you. >> i stayed with a woman with a parrot and that was a little awkward. >> stephen: one of my writers recently at the show stayed at an air b & b for about a month and when she left, the host gave her a wide screen tv and two naked mannequins.

is that standard protocol? >> well, i think the idea is that a little bit you never know what you're going to get, and i think many people become friends after and there's this wonderful cultural exchange. for an example, tonight around the world 375,000 people are staying together in 160 countries. >> stephen: wow! (applause) what's your percentage on that? >> we take 13% off every booking. >> stephen: wow! and the world cup, one in five people, 120,000, were also staying in air b & b. >> stephen: welcome! that's right. >> stephen: here's your broken bottle. >> exactly. (laughter) >> stephen: is there any place you want to be? >> we're in every country except north korea, iran, syria and cuba. we're not in those four countries. embargoos, only, we don't have

access. >> stephen: or light. exactly. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for joining me. brian chesky, co-founder of air b & b. check it out! we'll be back! (cheers and applause) [ male announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches have the protein and fuel to fire you up. ♪ hot pockets! got protein to pleeease! ♪ ♪ cuz every bite has got my hot ham and cheeeeese! ♪ hey piñata! i got energyyy! ♪ ♪ from my, my hot pockets! my hot pockets! ♪ with the protein of premium hickory ham and 100% real cheese... it's food that fires you up! ♪ hot pockets! my hot pockets! ♪ nestle. good food, good life.

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