>> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thanks so much for joining us! nation -- (chanting) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, thank you so much! nation, thank you so much for your love and adulation tonight. i need it more than ever because if you have been watching the news, you know it's been a tough week for, let's say humans. (laughter) from battles in gaza to russia shelling ukraine to taliban advances in afghanistan, they're not releasing any more new weird al videos. (laughter) folks, we are facing a situation i've always feared -- things might actually be as bad as we make them sound on cable news.

(laughter) >> the world on fire. from the middle east to ukraine to libya. >> the world is on fire. russia rocketing ukraine. add israel and gaza. illegals flooding our border. >> the world is a mess right now. >> it absolutely is. >> the world is burning. >> to put it mildly, the world is a mess. >> stephen: madeline albright, whose family was forced into exile by the german invasion of czechoslovakia in 1938, says the world is a mess. (laughter) and for her, nazi exile is a fond childhood memory. (laughter) folks, i don't enjoy covering this kind of heart wrenching news, and neither does my network. mounting death tolls do not move a lot of jack link's jerky. (laughter) they're just good people trying to sell some call the sasquatch meat. (laughter) but it's my duty as a newsman to grit my teeth and bring you the major stories, no matter how

hard it may be to say it. very hard to say it. (laughter) (applause) and with that in mind, i bring you my new segment: i need a drink. (laughter) okay. (applause) jimmy, i'm ready for the big story. >> intensive attacks in the past 24 hours. >> more explosions in gaza. >> two deadly blasts monday. the first killing ten children playing on this busy street. >> death spread all around. >> >> stephen: okay. this beer just got outgunned. (applause) (laughter) >> stephen: all right. let's do this. israelis and palestinians. what you've got here is the

violent consequence of decades of victimization and unprovoked aggression. i think you know which side i'm talking about. it's the -- (muffled speech into the glass) okay. i'm one for one. what else you got in the old news hopper? >> a troubling escalation in fighting in ukraine. >> russia is directly, directly attacking ukraine with deadly force. >> fierce fighting near the wreckage of malaysia airlines flight 17. >> stephen: ah-haaaa, they're fighting near the site of last week's plane crash -- which i had almost managed to forget! okay! (laughter) (cheers and applause) tell you what, next week, syria maybe you could stop by with your nerve gas and turn this horror double-header into an atrocity-ducken!

come on, news! that all you got?! >> taliban gunmen stopped three mini buses friday and simply shot 14 passengers to death. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) let's move on from the international stories. how about some science stories? they cure any big diseases? >> this is the largest ebola outbreak we've ever seen in history. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (emptying drink with straw) >> stephen: ebola. good thing i stocked up on the brown purell. (laughter) so to recap, everything is the worst, and we're all going to be sad forever.

at least we have hollywood to distract us. you know what would cheer me up? the comedic stylings of a brassy and loveable dame who has seen the worst and come out on the other side with a song in her heart and smile on her face. >> famed hollywood and broadway star elaine stritch has died. >> stephen: (bleep) that. okay. you know what? let's go to the hard stuff. there you go. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this alcohol is iso-propriate. (laughter) well, that concludes "stephen colbert's i need a drink," which didn't work. either the booze is broken, or the news is too sobering. okay. shake it off, colbert. you're a pro. move on. move on. that's enough death and destruction.

let's turn to something that evidently will never die and cannot be destroyed. sarah palin. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i've always been a huge fan of sarah palin. she's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment. (laughter) and this week, in her continuing quest to remind america of her existence, palin announced a new project. >> hello and welcome to a new project. this is a news channel that really is a lot more than news. are you tired of the media filters? well, i am. i always have been, so we're gonna do something about it. we're gonna make this easy too. you can watch our channel right here on your computer, tablet or even on your smartphone. we'll talk about the issues that the mainstream media won't talk about and we'll look at the ideas that -- mmm -- i think washington doesn't want you to

hear. >> stephen: yes, the all sarah palin channel! it's exactly what she's always done, only -- mmm -- nothing else. (laughter) 'cuz, folks, it's 24-7 palin-tainment streamed right to your phone, with the help of "tapp," which it turns out is a media company and not, as i first assumed, the name of one of her children. (laughter) and like the woman herself, the sarah palin channel is all about sarah palin. >> we'll also share some of the fun that goes on in the palin household and a lot of our adventures in the great outdoors trying to just get us from point a to point b and, believe me, it is fun because it's real life. >> stephen: yeah, it's fun because it's real life. that's why i always tiv0 that exciting staring contest on the mirror channel. (laughter) that show is amazing -- how is it "always" a tie?! he's good.

(laughter) this is all part of sarah's continuing mission to protect our freedoms at any cost. specifically, "$9.95 a month." (laughter) sure, that's more than netflix. but it's just as good as house of cards -- with even more threatening monologues into camera. (laughter) this channel offers you something more, by offering you less. as the site notes, we feel that the community would feel more secure knowing everyone watching, uploading videos and participating in the discussions and video chats was a contributing member." that's right, it's a safe space where like-minded folks can hear things they already agree with from someone whose opinion they already know. a place where we palin-heads can gather and ask the important questions. among the most popular, apparently, is "what is your cancellation policy?" (laughter) because we palin fans want to be just like her and quit halfway

through our commitment. (laughter) but if $9.95 sounds too rich rich for your blood, sign up for my new premium web channel -- "stephen colbert's angry echo chamber ." for just $9.94, it's a community of people just like you, if you have a valid credit card. we'll discuss the washington issues of the day -- and the issues of the night, like where did the sun go? (laughter) plus, "stephen colbert's angry echo chamber" gives you 24-7 access to everything i do. like footage of me making and eating a b.l.t. (laughter) is that what i spent your ten bucks on? the answer might surprise you. (laughter) and you might even see your name on my channel when i deposit your checks in an a.t.m.! (laughter) and sarah palin's channel only takes you from point a to point b -- but you can follow me all the way to point c, point d, then back to point b when i realize i left my sunglasses there. (laughter)

that's real-life fun! and remember, sarah palin's channel is sarapalinchannel.com, not thesarahpalinchannel.com. we bought that one today. (cheering) and it's free! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ break the ice, (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.

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so i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken? it is now. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is a new orleans jazz musician. i'll ask him how life in the superdome is these days. please welcome jon batiste! (cheers and applause) thank you, mr. batiste for being here! >> uh-huh! >> stephen: are you here? >> i'm here. >> stephen: are you alive on the planet now? >> i'm hanging in. >> stephen: your work crossed with a lot of boundaries, you

featured in spikily's red hook summer and the h.b.o. series tramay was based in part on your family. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you the one with the dragons? is that your family? >> no, we just got a field of cows, you know. >> stephen: a field of cows, okay. this is the new orleans one. there's a fair amount of nudity in the tramay. is there a fair amount of nudity in your family? >> well there's a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know. (cheering) >> stephen: congratulations, my friend! let's talk jazz a second here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to jazz at us in a little while. >> yeah. >> stephen: do i need a college professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and diagram? do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale? >> you can go that right, do anything you like, it's america

(laughter) but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. improvisation is forever. everybody's always improvising. you might like reading scripts, but -- (audience reacts) (laughter) >> aye! >> stephen: how are ya? how are ya? >> doing good. >> stephen: great to have you here, man. great to have you. explain how your music works. you call it social music. >> yeah, it's social because it's meant to be shared. it's meant to be danced to, you can cry to it, laugh to it. the thing about social music is the world is global now, everything's more connected with

internet and all this stuff, social media. so if you take music, i'm a jazz musician and that's what i wrote the music in but i draw from all styles. >> stephen: jazz is an american art form. >> yeah. >> stephen: you say it's global. don't give away our art form to the rest of the world. it's our art form, brother! >> it is, but i guess it's okay to be closed-minded. >> stephen: it's american-minded, not closed-minded. (audience reacts) it's not closed minded! we cannot be open-minded any more than we can be open-bordered. (laughter) we have all this jazz and if we let the aliens in it's luke the music has been invaded by little goguatemalans! >> it's about shared. >> stephen: it's about socialism. >> no, it's about sharing experiences. you share the experience as a

genuine human exchange. >> stephen: now we're having a human moment now. >> yeah, and we share it. >> stephen: i understand, but >> but it's still mine. >> stephen: but is it mine, too? >> it can be if you want it to be (audience reacts) >> stephen: well, what's mine is mine. ♪ and what's yours is yours. ♪ and together we're doin' the show. ♪ (cheering) will you stick around and do that again? (applause) >> yeah, we can do it as many times as you would like,. >like, more than i would like to know. >> stephen: thank you, jon jon. batiste, stick around and share your music with us. >> all right. >> stephen: the album.

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at my professors guidancet's kelleand supportschool helped me reach my goal a promotion... at microsoft. get started with our $20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. funds are limited. apply by august 29th at devry.edu. remind me to tell her happy anniversary. [ cortana ] next time you talk to caroline, i'll remind you. [ siri ] oh no, i cannot do that. oh, and remind me to get roses when i'm near any flower shop. sure thing. remind you when you get to flower shop. i can't do that either. cortana, it's gonna be a great night. [ beep ] oh wow! thanks for the traffic alert. i better get going. now that is a smart phone. ♪ oh, wait ♪ it's 'cause you make me smile ♪ ♪ yeah, girl ♪ you know, i've been thinking about us ♪ ♪ and, uh, i just can't fight it anymore ♪ ♪ it's bundle time

♪ bundle ♪ mm, feel those savings, baby and that's how a home and auto bundle is made. better he learns it here than on the streets. the miracle of bundling -- now, that's progressive. excuse me. can you tell me where ah no problem roller skates. so you are going to want to palm tree the fish until the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. let your random side out with new wonka randoms.

stra... ...ccia... ...tel... ... la. li... ...mon... ... cel... ... lo. cap... ...pu... ... ccin... ... o. häagen dazs gelato. even the names taste good. that's about as american as it gets. woman: what do you mean? blueberry pancakes, strawberries and cream cheese icing, starting at just $4.99. apple pie, watch out. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's!

>> stephen: get ready to dance because here with the song off new social music, ladies and gentlemen, john batiste and "stay human."

♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: we'll be right back!

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for a limited time we have the new baja moons over my hammy with avocado and sun dried tomato mayo. it's just like the classic, but remixed. oh, in that case, i'll take it. what's a remix? oh, grandpa! [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! break the ice, waitress: welcome to denny's! with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.

the ca♪illac summer collection is here. ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this 2014 ats for around $299 a month and make this the summer of style. >> stephen: well, jon, that's it for "the report." keep it human! good night! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sorry.

(cheers and applause) ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ is this what you're looking for, kyle? no, i don't think so. mrph rmh rmphm? no, that's a hair dryer! can i help you find something? yeah, do you have any "nerections"? any what? i need to get a nerection for my dad. vgo on, beat it.. why is that funny? dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. i heard them say it's 'cause my dad doesn't have a nerection,

so i want to get him one! damn it! what the hell is wrong with everybody? that's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. to get a nerection? mrph rmhmhm rm! i just want a nerection so i can give it to my mom. what? mrph rmhmhm rm. where you gonna go, kenny? see your girlfriend again? mrph rmhmhm rm! dude, you spend way too much time with that girl. if you know -- oh, my god! they killed kenny! you bastards! happened to him? he just...ignited. what happened? i saw it from across the street. he just caught on fire! okay, people, stand back! give the little burnt boy some breathing room. i've heard about this. this is spontaneous combustion! but it usually only happens to fat people near open flames! is it contagious? am i going to spontaneously combust? i hope nothing happens to me. this is very scary! the people are panicking about spontaneous combustion. that's why i've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon. you are the best scientific mind south park has to offer. uh... mayor, i'm a geologist.