>> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> whoa! ♪ >> ♪ chou! ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> whoa! ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ there's always next year, goodnight, mayan gence. >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thanks so much for joining us!

nation -- (chanting) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, thank you so much! nation, thank you so much for your love and adulation tonight. i need it more than ever because if you have been watching the news, you know it's been a tough week for, let's say humans. (laughter) from battles in gaza to russia shelling ukraine to taliban advances in afghanistan, they're not releasing any more new weird al videos. (laughter) folks, we are facing a situation i've always feared -- things might actually be as bad as we make them sound on cable news. (laughter) >> the world on fire. from the middle east to ukraine to libya. >> the world is on fire.

russia rocketing ukraine. add israel and gaza. illegals flooding our border. >> the world is a mess right now. >> it absolutely is. >> the world is burning. >> to put it mildly, the world is a mess. >> stephen: madeline albright, whose family was forced into exile by the german invasion of czechoslovakia in 1938, says the world is a mess. (laughter) and for her, nazi exile is a fond childhood memory. (laughter) folks, i don't enjoy covering this kind of heart wrenching news, and neither does my network. mounting death tolls do not move a lot of jack link's jerky. (laughter) they're just good people trying to sell some call the sasquatch meat. (laughter) but it's my duty as a newsman to grit my teeth and bring you the major stories, no matter how hard it may be to say it. very hard to say it. (laughter) (applause)

and with that in mind, i bring you my new segment: i need a drink. (laughter) okay. (applause) jimmy, i'm ready for the big story. >> intensive attacks in the past 24 hours. >> more explosions in gaza. >> two deadly blasts monday. the first killing ten children playing on this busy street. >> death spread all around. >> >> stephen: okay. this beer just got outgunned. (applause) (laughter) >> stephen: all right. let's do this. israelis and palestinians. what you've got here is the violent consequence of decades of victimization and unprovoked aggression. i think you know which side i'm

talking about. it's the -- (muffled speech into the glass) okay. i'm one for one. what else you got in the old news hopper? >> a troubling escalation in fighting in ukraine. >> russia is directly, directly attacking ukraine with deadly force. >> fierce fighting near the wreckage of malaysia airlines flight 17. >> stephen: ah-haaaa, they're fighting near the site of last week's plane crash -- which i had almost managed to forget! okay! (laughter) (cheers and applause) tell you what, next week, syria maybe you could stop by with your nerve gas and turn this horror double-header into an atrocity-ducken! come on, news! that all you got?! >> taliban gunmen stopped three

mini buses friday and simply shot 14 passengers to death. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) let's move on from the international stories. how about some science stories? they cure any big diseases? >> this is the largest ebola outbreak we've ever seen in history. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (emptying drink with straw) >> stephen: ebola. good thing i stocked up on the brown purell. (laughter) so to recap, everything is the worst, and we're all going to be sad forever. at least we have hollywood to distract us. you know what would cheer me up?

the comedic stylings of a brassy and loveable dame who has seen the worst and come out on the other side with a song in her heart and smile on her face. >> famed hollywood and broadway star elaine stritch has died. >> stephen: (bleep) that. okay. you know what? let's go to the hard stuff. there you go. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this alcohol is iso-propriate. (laughter) well, that concludes "stephen colbert's i need a drink," which didn't work. either the booze is broken, or the news is too sobering. okay. shake it off, colbert. you're a pro. move on. move on. that's enough death and destruction. let's turn to something that evidently will never die and cannot be destroyed. sarah palin. (laughter) (cheers and applause)

i've always been a huge fan of sarah palin. she's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment. (laughter) and this week, in her continuing quest to remind america of her existence, palin announced a new project. >> hello and welcome to a new project. this is a news channel that really is a lot more than news. are you tired of the media filters? well, i am. i always have been, so we're gonna do something about it. we're gonna make this easy too. you can watch our channel right here on your computer, tablet or even on your smartphone. we'll talk about the issues that the mainstream media won't talk about and we'll look at the ideas that -- mmm -- i think washington doesn't want you to hear. >> stephen: yes, the all sarah palin channel! it's exactly what she's always done, only -- mmm -- nothing

else. (laughter) 'cuz, folks, it's 24-7 palin-tainment streamed right to your phone, with the help of "tapp," which it turns out is a media company and not, as i first assumed, the name of one of her children. (laughter) and like the woman herself, the sarah palin channel is all about sarah palin. >> we'll also share some of the fun that goes on in the palin household and a lot of our adventures in the great outdoors trying to just get us from point a to point b and, believe me, it is fun because it's real life. >> stephen: yeah, it's fun because it's real life. that's why i always tiv0 that exciting staring contest on the mirror channel. (laughter) that show is amazing -- how is it "always" a tie?! he's good. (laughter) this is all part of sarah's continuing mission to protect our freedoms at any cost. specifically, "$9.95 a month."

(laughter) sure, that's more than netflix. but it's just as good as house of cards -- with even more threatening monologues into camera. (laughter) this channel offers you something more, by offering you less. as the site notes, we feel that the community would feel more secure knowing everyone watching, uploading videos and participating in the discussions and video chats was a contributing member." that's right, it's a safe space where like-minded folks can hear things they already agree with from someone whose opinion they already know. a place where we palin-heads can gather and ask the important questions. among the most popular, apparently, is "what is your cancellation policy?" (laughter) because we palin fans want to be just like her and quit halfway through our commitment. (laughter)

but if $9.95 sounds too rich rich for your blood, sign up for my new premium web channel -- "stephen colbert's angry echo chamber ." for just $9.94, it's a community of people just like you, if you have a valid credit card. we'll discuss the washington issues of the day -- and the issues of the night, like where did the sun go? (laughter) plus, "stephen colbert's angry echo chamber" gives you 24-7 access to everything i do. like footage of me making and eating a b.l.t. (laughter) is that what i spent your ten bucks on? the answer might surprise you. (laughter) and you might even see your name on my channel when i deposit your checks in an a.t.m.! (laughter) and sarah palin's channel only takes you from point a to point b -- but you can follow me all the way to point c, point d, then back to point b when i realize i left my sunglasses there. (laughter) that's real-life fun! and remember, sarah palin's channel is

sarapalinchannel.com, not thesarahpalinchannel.com. we bought that one today. (cheering) and it's free! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! andy williams singing "it's the most wonderful tim]" ♪ it's the most wonderful time... ♪ ...yet ♪ ... of the year!

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so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. a totally different breed of chocolate cereal. wicked crunch outside. smooth chocolate inside. krave cereal! take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, get a large, two-topping pizza for just $7.99, at pizzahut.com. a deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the $7.99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut.com. the best pizza hut deals live online. pizza hut! >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is a new orleans jazz musician. i'll ask him how life in the superdome is these days. please welcome jon batiste! (cheers and applause) thank you, mr. batiste for being

here! >> uh-huh! >> stephen: are you here? >> i'm here. >> stephen: are you alive on the planet now? >> i'm hanging in. >> stephen: your work crossed with a lot of boundaries, you featured in spikily's red hook summer and the h.b.o. series tramay was based in part on your family. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you the one with the dragons? is that your family? >> no, we just got a field of cows, you know. >> stephen: a field of cows, okay. this is the new orleans one. there's a fair amount of nudity in the tramay. is there a fair amount of nudity in your family? >> well there's a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know. (cheering) >> stephen: congratulations, my friend! let's talk jazz a second here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to jazz at us in a little while. >> yeah. >> stephen: do i need a college professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and

diagram? do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale? >> you can go that right, do anything you like, it's america (laughter) but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. improvisation is forever. everybody's always improvising. you might like reading scripts, but -- (audience reacts) (laughter) >> aye! >> stephen: how are ya? how are ya? >> doing good. >> stephen: great to have you here, man. great to have you. explain how your music works.

you call it social music. >> yeah, it's social because it's meant to be shared. it's meant to be danced to, you can cry to it, laugh to it. the thing about social music is the world is global now, everything's more connected with internet and all this stuff, social media. so if you take music, i'm a jazz musician and that's what i wrote the music in but i draw from all styles. >> stephen: jazz is an american art form. >> yeah. >> stephen: you say it's global. don't give away our art form to the rest of the world. it's our art form, brother! >> it is, but i guess it's okay to be closed-minded. >> stephen: it's american-minded, not closed-minded. (audience reacts) it's not closed minded! we cannot be open-minded any more than we can be open-bordered. (laughter) we have all this jazz and if we let the aliens in it's luke the music has been invaded by little goguatemalans!

>> it's about shared. >> stephen: it's about socialism. >> no, it's about sharing experiences. you share the experience as a genuine human exchange. >> stephen: now we're having a human moment now. >> yeah, and we share it. >> stephen: i understand, but >> but it's still mine. >> stephen: but is it mine, too? >> it can be if you want it to be (audience reacts) >> stephen: well, what's mine is mine. ♪ and what's yours is yours. ♪ and together we're doin' the show. ♪ (cheering) will you stick around and do that again? (applause) >> yeah, we can do it as many times as you would like,. >like, more

than i would like to know. >> stephen: thank you, jon jon. batiste, stick around and share your music with us. >> all right. >> stephen: the album. student: i don't want to just be a student, i want to do it all. blue shirt: well you can with these 2-in-1s. they have a powerful intel processor inside which allows them to be both a laptop and a tablet. student: and lightning.

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let's show 'em what a breakfast with whole grain fiber can do. one coffee with room, one large mocha latte, medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, two espressos. make one a double. she's full and focused. [ barista ] i have two cappuccinos, one coffee with room, one large mocha latte, a medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, and two espressos -- one with a double shot. heh, heh. that's not the coffee talkin'. [ female announcer ] start your day with kellogg's frosted mini wheats cereal. with whole wheat goodness on one side and a hint of sweetness on the other, it's a delicious way to get the nutrition you want. hing your favorite players come on, get open... yeah... it's a delicious way with nfl mobile on verizon. yes! get in there! go, go, go, go, yes! let's go, drew. the "not-so-good more" would be them always watching you. go for it, paul! get open! come on, paul! let's go! hustle! what is that, chamomile tea?! uh, lattes. you wanna take a nap?! get the "good more" with nfl mobile, free with the more everything plan. exclusively from verizon. now get 50% off all new smartphones.

>> stephen: get ready to dance because here with the song off new social music, ladies and gentlemen, john batiste and "stay human." ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

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an extraordinary burger with heaps of jalapeños...ered ...now for just two dollars. they also discovered the phenomenon of "economnomnomics" nomnom... nom? mcdonald's dollar menu and more. it's economnomnomcial. okayyy you know how you have been teaching your son to share? well, he must have listened... because he is about to take that awkward photo from freshman year and share it with the entire company. woah. woah. woah. umm... let's not do that. here you go. [sighs]

introducting kid's mode on the family-friendly samsung galaxy s5. double your trade-in to get up to $200 on any working smartphone. break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. we stathat the kid on thehought back of the bus might have a song that he has in his head but he just can't get out. with the technology of cloud, we change all that. i can sing something into my device, up to the cloud it goes, back down it comes, sounding better. we break down the walls of creation and we give music creation for the masses. ♪ ♪ unlock the creativity in anyone. with the ibm cloud. the ibm cloud is the cloud for business. >> stephen: well, jon, that's it for "the report."

keep it human! good night! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sorry. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: heroin everybody. welcome to "the daily show." who am i? my name is jon stewart. you can call me -- what, am i the only guy who -- high brow audience tonight some bad. wait, wait, don't tell me. did you see that? [bleeped].