>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us! nation, i got to tell you, folks, i got to tell you, it is wonderful to hear that from this audience. thank you, thank you, heroes! thank you, nation, thank you! folks, you know, if you are checking the papers and looking at the tvs there's just so much sad news out there these days that tonight i would like to kick things off with a hot shot, a pick me up from what i like to call stephen colbert's smile file. tonight on the smile file tyrannical north korean dictator kim jung-un. folks, this mad man lives a constant state of stern disapproval. but even before he came to power young un made no time

for frivolity. just listen to this actual cnn interview with his old border schoolroom mate from switzerland. >> did you go out in the night, you never go out, on disco or make party, never. >> stephen: that's right, he not even as a teen he never go out on disco or make party. i bet he never even go out on movie or night bowling. so sad. but folks, it turns out that kim jung-un just might be kim jung fun. because north korean state media our all bina cecum cumber leader has released new photos of the dear leader touring an industrial lubricant factory. i mean just look at that smile! i have never seen him or anyone, really, so transported by the pure joy of lube. (laughter) nothing puts a grin on that machine's face like extruded

semi solids. i don't know item guy next to him is such a sour pus. i mean he gets to spend 16 hours a day watching that lube. (laughter) it sure is nice to see un finally let his hair down. he's usually so serious when he's looking at things. things like fruit. mattresses. accordions, churos, water slides, regular slides, flooring options and where they threw his uncle's body. (applause) but none-- none of those-- none of those has brought him the simple life affirming pleasure of lube. and i get it, i also enjoy watching nondiscent viscous goo being force threw a tube. coy spend hours at the soft serve pump. and un's not just smiling from chin to chin over a single lube ejecter, he's smiling all through the lubricant factory from the

lube loading floor to the state of the art lube command deck where the latest nanotechnology and advanced supercomputers are harnessed to insurance that lube go through tube. and this factory is a happy place for kim jung-un for a very personal reason. it represents the completion of his father's kim jung il's vision. because according to state reports un said with deep emotion i feel very sorry for failing it to show him this modern spend did factory even once. this factory is a posthumous one. i mean, that gets you right in the lube pump. he and his father shared a love of slave-made lube. don't we all. and that's the smile file. (applause) everybody happy? (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: all right. thank you, kim jung-un. nation, 2015 is right around the corner and you know what that means, another leap year. that's a whole extra day to stock up on canned goods and kerosene. but 2016 will also bring the next presidential lex and i'm a summer for political dynasty, my current favorite one is the libertarian paul family. there's poppa ron, son rand and of course cousin ru. laugh 4r56 who-- (laughter) who has a strong-- who has a strong conservative message. (laughter) >> you better work. (applause) >> stephen: you, a clear call toned the welfare state. now we all know at the senator paul has been appealing to minority notes using a radical strategy of

being appealing. >> so what i would have said is people who seek the american dream are not bad people. some people perceive it that way and that's a perception we do have to change. >> i'm for a very expansive work visa. if you want to come to our country or one of 191 million that are here, i'm for giving awe a work visa. >> the door's to the going to open up to the african-american community or hispanic community until we have something to offer. >> stephen: he's right. republicans have to offer his panning and african americans something. for instance, anything. (laughter) but to win the nomination paul still needs conservative voters. and there's solutions to immigration range from deportation to blue trap. so to balance his pro minority talk paul has been appearing with conservative iowa congressman and man with a section of his base am you're not allowed into, steve king. now-- don't go there. (applause) >> stephen: don't do it, don't do it. you don't want to go.

unfortunately, their campaign stops haven't all been for that i smile. earlier this week they sat down for a nice juicy burger only to be ambushed by pro immigration activists. watch how swiftly senator paul reacts. >> we're looking for a great crowd so-- i'm glad -- >> i am actually a green-- and originally from mexico. but i been raised here. i graduated from arizona state university. and i know you want to get rid of doya. >> and just like that, he's gone. and yes, as soon as he heard the word mexican senator paul sped off like a central american-- death train but he clearly cares about the hispanic outreach, afterall he want out of his way to dress like a pinata. (laughter)

naturally-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: naturally the lamestream media is accusing rand of sidestepping a potentially damaging political confrontation but that is wrong. he was not sidestepping, he was away-running. and de it for a very good reason. presidential candidates have to stay in shape. and i am thrilled that tonight senator paul is making available to you his one weird secret to reducing your belly fat, jim? ness hiing i'm steven-- stephen colbert. are you fed up with being fat, secretary and tired of being beefy. discontented with your corpulence. then i've got an answer for you. the rand pauleo diet. yes, the rand pauleo diet, the only weight loss system scientifically developed by a self-licensed opt thal moll gist. it's just three easy steps to deregulating your waistline. step one, want to be president. step two, eat anything you

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geico. saving people money on more than just car insurance. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, you know, as a professional newsman i'm always looking for invasions in journalism. from the futuristic newsdesk of is help smith to the 3d environment of wolf blitz ter to whatever aluminum alloy anderson coop certificate skull ing from. today i saw a troubling glimpse of broadcasting future and like most troubling things i saw it at a county fair. >> what did you think about the ride. >> it was great, and apparently, i've never been on live television before. but apparently sometimes i don't watch-- i don't watch the news, because i'm a kid and apparently every time, apparently grandpa just gives me the remote after we watch ot powerball.

and i've never, ever been on live television. i never ever been on live television. >> are you excited. >> yeah, and apparently i already went down the superslide. i went down, i was scared half to death. >> oh my god! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this kid is a natural-born newsman. i mean he's already breaking the story of how the superslide is half death scaring our children. and folks, you wouldn't know it from that interview but apparently this child has never been on live television before. now i already announced this spring that i was ending this show. but i haven't fully explained why. i know, i know, that's how i feel when i look in the mirror. one reason i'm ending the show is that when i called comcast to get out of my cable subscription t turned tout was easier for me just to get out of cable all together. but now-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but now i finally, a huge comcast fan here. but now i've got an even

better reason. news anchor babies like this are breathing down my neck. at 5 years old he's already got the sin sit of ed war r murrow, the reassuring gaze of walter concrete and more gravitas than steve doocy. and he's already established the word "apparently" as his catch-phrase. that is the sort of senseless repetition that marks a real news legend like sean hannity. >> we were at another iron dome location, remember there's nine of them that literally cover the entire state of israel, literally we heard an iron dome go off, we literally went to the border, literally if you are 5, 10 you could walk in that tinl. i literally walked down a slope. >> i literally walked. >> lit reallyly. >> literally. >> literally behind me. >> stephen: apparently-- (cheers and applause) apparently that five-year-old child could replace sean hannity.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight played young magneto in the x-men movies. please welcome michael fassbender.

michael thank you so much for coming. thanks for coming on. i'm a big fan, obviously the audience is too. (cheers and applause) >> now oscar nominated actor some of your films include inglorious was turds, shame, 12 years a slave, x-men movies. your new film "frank" opens in select cities august 15th and nationwide august 29th. how much of this movie is mutant robo nazi hunting. tell the good people what the movie is about. >> basically it's about this character john played by donald gleason who gets introduced to this band which is a very sort of avant-garde sort of misfit group of people playing music with various things from a toothbrush to a straw to a piece of corrugated iron. john is a very ambitious but lacking in talent in terms of a musician.

>> stephen: i have met him. >> yes, back there. and the rest of the band are talented but without ambition. and it is sort of how they journally. >> stephen: and in comes frank who -- >> he has something none of them have which is a giant paper mache head. >> yes. >> stephen: let's show the people what people are talking about here because there is no explaining. >> can i ask you something. >> sure. >> why do you wear that? >> you think it's weird? >> kind of. >> well, normal faces are weird too, so the way they're smooth, smooth, smooth, and then-- blah, you know, all bumpy and holes. i mean what are eyes like, like a science fiction, don't get me started on lips. like a very serious wound. >> that's true am but your

head is still sort of intimidating. >> underneath i'm giving you a welcoming smile. (applause) >> stephen: what does it-- like 98% of the movie you've got that on your head. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. was that liberating or was that confining as an acker? what do you get from that? that's better than not seeing that face. >> well, you get the lie in the morning, take many days off, really because i'm under the head for most of it and just had to come in for the last scene. >> stephen: oscar wildee said if he wants to get the truth from a man give him a mask. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, so what truth can you as an acker tell with a mask that you can't tell with your face? >> that's a good point. >> stephen: thank you, we don't even have to go on, i guess. i like hear ug say that i made a good point. >> i mean-- for me i

wanted-- i wanted to take the head with me and do all jobs with the head. it is very sort of liberating, i suppose, if you've gone to you know, halloween or a fancy dress party or anything and you wear a mask, it's quite liberating because you feel kind of invincible. people don't know who you are. >> stephen: do you go to fancy dress parties with a mask on. >> i like to. >> stephen: and eyes wide shut today. nice. can you hook a brother up while you're in town. >> there's one tonight. >> stephen: really, out on long island? send me an invitation. did you want to be a musician. you are an acker. you get to be a muss ig. you actually have a band. you guys are going to play here in a second. (cheers and applause) >> it's incredible too, the band, at's not just any band, it it's maggie gyllenhaal,-- i mean do all actors secretly want to be musicians the way musicians all secretly want to be high?

(laughter) >> i think so. >> stephen: did you want to be a musician. >> i want to be high. (laughter) >> stephen: well-- i'll tell you what, stick around, do the song and take us higher. thank you so much. the movie is "frank" michael fassbender. we'll be right back with a we'll be right back with a performance by soronprjbs. excuse me. can you tell me where ah no problem roller skates. so you are going to want to palm tree the fish until the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. let your random side out with new wonka randoms.

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>> stephen: here to play

their hit single "i love you all" available on itunes, michael as if bendser, maggie, carlos and fran choice-- fransois. ladies and gentlemen, the soronprjbs. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ el madrid it's nice to see ya ♪ it's really nice to be here ♪ i love your wall ♪ stale beer, fat-( no audio ), cow-poked, smoked-out, sequined mountain ladies ♪ i love you all ♪ put your arms around me,

fiddley digits, itchey britches ♪ i love you all ♪ ♪ i love you all i love you all ♪ i love you all ♪ ♪ the washrooms smell, they could be cleaner ♪ stench of cigarettes and stale urea ♪ i love you all ♪ the prodigal son, just wants to return to where the dogs play pool ♪ i love you all ♪ i love you all

i love you all ♪ i love you all i love you all ♪ i love you all i love you all ♪ i love you all ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo, maggie, carla, donald, michael as if bendser! frank opens in select cities on august 16th nationwide, august 29th nationwide, good night! dheers (cheers and applause) - his name is archie decoste. age: 22, total years spent in high school: seven. s.a.t. score: zero.

and he was recently arrested for selling marijuana to a police officer at a police station. - so, you want us to help you recruit this idiot instead of an honors student or a science genius? - do we go to the same greendale? - ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. family net worth: $8 million. ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." the perfect mix of low intellect, high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support. - so, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. got it. - is there really that much money in this, dean, or is it like that endorsement deal you made with let's potato chips? - if you don't like the crispy-licious taste of let's, feel free to eat that other greasy brand. - splingles? not this guy. - thank you, troy, and, i will explain the value of this whale by describing one who's been swimming right under your nose. pierce hawthorne has taken 80%

of greendale's classes more than twice. he is the only greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker or the extended pencil warranty. pierce cannot know about this. he's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention. remember when kerri strug visited our campus? - that was horrible. - that was awful. - i have scheduled archie's visit for tomorrow when pierce has no classes. - guys, i'm asking, as treasurer of the forensics club. the dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm. - mm. - who wants to help? - i'm in. sounds like a romper. - we do need money. the biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years. - if we land this kid, we can buy 100 dead pigs and make everybody happy. - i'll help where i can, but i started a new p.e. class. i've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever. - i'm in p.e. too. i made room in my trophy case. then, i remembered classes don't give out trophies, so i put a fishbowl there instead. it's been quite the week. - so, the rest of us will have to pick up the slack,