to hide it. (laughter) and my guest henry kissinger is a former u.s. secretary of state. he'll be performing nikki minaj's anaconda. researchers say there may be a male birth control shot by 2017, by will sit in your wallet until 2020. this is the colbert report! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) thank you so nachings, thank

you so much, everybody. folks, please sit down. nation, yeah, as you know, by now if you were watching this-- if you were watching this, folks, if you were watching this on a television, and i hope you are, by now president obama has gone on the air tonight to outline his plan to degrade and destroy-- destroy isis. reports are with only 15 minutes long it would make sense. you don't need a whole lot of time to say my fellow americans-- (laughter) then i assume he fills out the hour by doing weather and sports. now i tape my show at 7:00, folks, so i have no idea what he said tonight. all i know is that i completely agree with what andrea tantaros said at 5:00,

four hours before the president's speech. >> i'm very deeply troubled by what he will say. >> stephen: i couldn't have agreed more. (laughter) because i also have not seen it, and i am furious about what i any it will be. (laughter) we'll have full coverage of the speech tomorrow, whether or not i ever watch it. (laughter) #golf -- >> there is another failure of international leadership out there. his holliness the dalai lama. don't let the smile fool you, folks, this guy is no fun. he always chooses the four noble truths and never the noble dare. (laughter) and now shamma lama ding dong over here has made a huge announcement that will affect all of our lives including our future ones because he sees no need for a successor saying quote, we had a dalai lama for almost 5 centuries. the dalai lama now is very popular. let us then finish with a

popular dalai lama. boom! lama out. he then dropped the karma and walked off stage. (applause) so looks like he's doing buddha karate. i will not hit you. so it looks like tibetan buddhists may not be getting a 15th dalai lama which is a shame, they are only one lama away from getting a free meatball sub. subway, life is suffering. apparently, the old dl wants to go out on top. he claims if a weak dalai lama comes along, it will then just disgrace the dalai lama. yeah, i understand that. you have to quit when you're ahead. we used to have a great president, then we had to get one more and ended up with this guy. who is probably a secret buddhist what with all the meditation he does between words. >> america cannot wait

forever, for them to act. (laughter) now of course once again the d-lam is just playing politics here am because he fears that china will split tibetan buddhism w one new dalai lama named by exiled and one by china after his death. that's right, double lama drama. (laughter) and i'm not exactly sure how they're picked, but if it is anything like the pope and they release white smoke, i'm pretty sure china has been picking their lama for years. so with the tibetan-- (cheers and applause) so with the tibetan people and the chinese government at odds over the rightful heir to tibetan leadership, there's only one solution.

i will be the 15th dalai lama. (cheers and applause) i mean it's win-win. i mean hey, beijing, i'm willing to play ball here, okay. i believe tibet has always been part of china, ever since you guys proved it was with all those guns. and for all you tibetans out there watching, sure this dalai lama spent the last half century spreading the message of a free democratic tibet, spiritual enlightenment and bagging himself a nobel peace prize. but on the other hand, i have achieved nothing. doesn't that really make me the better buddhist? (cheers and applause) of course, folks, we all know the world is too complicated to see in black and white. that's why i see it in tip and wag. this is tip of the hat, wag

of the finger. boom! (cheers and applause) first up, folks, i am a junkie for all things so i was on cloud nine when i heard about this. >> nasa astronaut will get quite the sweet deal at the international space station, barry wilmore is headed there for six months on september 25th. >> astronaut barry wilmore asked nasa you can get me the new se cnet work in space. they did it he'll get to watch college football. >> stephen: that's right, astronaut barry woil more convinced nasa to get him college football for the six months he's on the space station. and you know he's going get reception because he's only about 40 feet from the satellite. (laughter) and it makes sense that an as fro naught-- as fro thought would want to watch football on tv in orbit, otherwise there is nothing to do but gaze at the miracle of god's cree says-- creation s so tonight i'm giving a wag of my finger to nasa for outman caving every other sports

fan on earth. come on! our pimped out-- our pimped out testoster-rooms this is how we measure our worth as men. i thought i had a good set up with my 80 inch flat screen, hash mark carpet. these show the world i will spare no expense on my greatest passion, screaming obscenities at athletes who cannot hear me. but now nasa has gone where no man cave has gone before. oh, some guy, thought he was a big shot when he dropped $2 million converting his basement into the bat cave. you're adorable. try $150 billion over 16 years and it's still not done. they're waiting on the russkies to deliver the budweiser billiard lamb. nasa's orbital bro-pit has it all. floor to ceiling electronics, zero g recliners and as fro naught barry can drij all the beer he wants without having to go to the bathroom because can just me into a

vacuum tube. although, although, full disclosure, i have done that on earth. next up, next up, nation, as a celebrity who has earned your trust by being famous, i work hard to protect my personal brand. i simply can't get my name be associated with low quality products. i mean say what you will about stephen colbert's razor slinky. but it was made from the highest quality ribbon blade. and when it comes to discriminating branding, my hero is donald trump or the trumpel. he lends his name only to a select few luxurious products. suits, shirts, neck ware, eyewear, leather goods, lighting, mattresses, books, chocolate, water, cologne, mirrors. though it is shocking that trump would let a mirror out of his sight. so personally i love his latee power move.

>> donald trump is suing the trump taj mahal in trump plaza in atlantic city to stop using his name. he says their poor condition is hurting his personal brand. in a lawsuit filed tuesday the billionaire accused trump entertainment resorts of violating its licensing agreement by allowing the trump taj ma jal-- ma hall and trump plaza to fall into an utter state of disrepair. the suit also ponts to negative on-line reviews from customers calling both properties a trump dump. >> stephen: that's right. a trump dump. that's an insult and a trademark infringement. trump dump is already licenced to donald's line of luxury stool softeners. guaranteed to provide you with the classiest, most magnificent platinum grade velvety top shelf doo-doo possible. so i'm giving a wag of the finger to these casinos for taking the trump name in vain. they can't blame these subtrump conditions on

donald. he hasn't had any real role in these casinos since resigning as chairman of the board in 2009 when his gambling company filed for bankruptcy for the third time. not his fault. it is notoriously difficult to make money in the gambling business. you see, donald trump, hold on, this just in over the trump newswire! (applause) oh, here we go. here we go. oh no! oh no, yesterday trump enter tainment resorts filed for bankruptcy again. oh my gosh. oh my gosh. just so, so tragic. (laughter) >> folks, i'm just glad donald trump is no longer connected with these

terrible brands. he can't have people associate the name trump with shabby, os ten day does huts that have crumbled into parodies of themselves. sure back in the 80 ease they had a moment of respectability but now they're way past their prime. getting by on their name and appealing only to the confused and the elderly. but there is just so much you can do with a colourful paint job and a weird golden roof. we'll be right back. roof. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome back. folks, you know, if you are's paying atension, i know the colbert nation always does, it is absolutely no big secret that our country is being torn apart by childish partisan bickering and obama started it. we're a culture war, folks, it's us versus them. and if you don't know who them are, you could be they. and it's not just politics, we also must pick sides in

the products we buy. that's why i patronize only conservative businesses, sam's club insed of cost co, chip fill a instead of chip otle. hobby lobby instead of what the pro contraceptive crap superstore is, i'm guessing fluff and stuff. unfortunately-- that's good. unfortunately, not every company just advertises which side they're on. well, good news. as the kids say, there's an iphone application program to do that. >> bipartisan, that's buy, an app that allows you to scan the bar code of your favorite grocery item and find out just how much money the company and its c.e.o. give to either party. cherrios gave 63.5% of its political donations to republicans. and 24% to democrats. >> stephen: of course cheer joes leans republican. they're strong on national defense and cheerios are made by a general.

thank you for your service, and your fiber, sir. (applause) so let's try, let's try out the app called buy-part i san with this nutrigrain bar, okay. and there you go. and go. okay. it says here that it's made by kellogg whose political donations average 37.25% republican, 33.5% democrat and 29.25% other. which i assume is high fructose corn sirrup. now let's try the same thing with, let's try that with starbucks coffee. okay. it says leer 80.75% democrat. and i'm sure, i'm sure-- i'm sure it would have been 100% but they left room for milk. and i know buy-part i san,

this little app here is trustworthy because it was developed by former capitol hill staffer matthew colbert. like stairing in a mirror, folks. (laughter) you know, i just want to take a moment here. we don't get to talk that often but i just want to say great job on this app, cousin matt. i mean it's nice to have someone in the family who shares-- wait, do you, hold on. let's try it with you. what? it is as here that matthew colbert has only one political donation on record. he gave $250 to a democrat. well, well then i can't recommend your product, matt. too bad. i really liked it. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: welcome back, my guest is former secretary of state. looks like hillary's got some competition. please welcome dr. henry kissinger. (cheers and applause) henry. got to tell you, thanks for coming back. i have seen you since last summer when we were busting a move to get lucky. thank you so much for doing that last year. >> well, the last time did you this, my office i had a telephone on my desk and i could call for security.

>> stephen: exactly. i got my security here tonight. you're not going anywhere. okay, former u.s. secretary of state, winner of the nobel peace prizing helped bring an end to the vietnam war, forged the-- with china. you lead the-- with the soviet union this is your 15th book. it's called world order, okay. i assume by that title this is fiction, because there is no order in the world right now, henry. how-- what-- obama hasn't given his, you know, speech yet, we're recording this earlier. so you haven't seen obama's speech yet. but you agree with me that it's terrible, right, terrible speech, complete failure. (laughter) what do you think he's going it to say? >> i think he's going to say that he will attack these terrorist groups in both iraq and syria. >> stephen: okay. >> and i agree with that. >> stephen: you do. >> yes. >> stephen: anyplace else we should be bombing?

you can bomb order back into the world? can we just bomb everybody back to the stone age and then invite them back into the 16th century? >> no you can't bomb them back into the world. but you can try to make it impossible for those who disturb order to continue disturbing it. >> stephen: why is the world the way it is now, okay? is this crazier than it used to be? or are we just noticing how crazy it is? >> well, for one thing, every part of the world can now impact every other part of the world. >> stephen: because you've got twitter and stuff like that, right? (laughter) >> i hate to tell you this. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i will disgrace myself, but i don't use twitter. (laughter) >> stephen: really? well,-- (cheers and applause) i'll tweet for you. i'll tweet for you tonight, we'll come up with a good one, all right. >> that would be good. >> stephen: all right. all right. so but why, the world

craziest now than it used to be really or are we just noticing it. >> if you take, folks, the middle east. >> stephen: no thank you, but go ahead. (laughter) >> what you have there is a whole series of revolutions, of a different kind, occurring side-by-side. there are pressures on the state, the disappearances of frontiers, the battle between various religious groups. and this is all coming to the surface simultaneously. >> stephen: it's obama fault's how, how is this obama's fault? >> it's not obama's fault. >> stephen: henry, i'm going to edit that out. (laughter) it's fair warning, i'm taking that out. i'm taking that out. i'm just going to leave in the word's "obama's fault" (laughter) what's going on in the ukraine here. is there a reestablishment of an old world order going on. because putin is reasserting

the kind of authority that the soviet union had over that part, over the world. are we in trouble there? >> well, you can't say we are in trouble. >> stephen: are the europeans in trouble? >> what is happening it in the ukraine is that there are different ideas of international order. the-- believe in sovereignty of-- the west believes sovereignty of state wz we in the west believe there is sovereignty, these are our border, don't come over there. >> indeed. and you shouldn't interfere in their affairs. for the russians, ukraine is what they consider part of their territory. but of course, you cannot have a peaceful world if the principles is established that any country can cross borders because it thinks it has a historic patrimony.

but it is not a purely american problem. >> stephen: is there going to be a world problem? could this thing spiral into world war iii? >> well, what i believe is-- . >> stephen: henry, a comforting answer would be no-- (laughter) it would be very nice hear you say no, don't worry about world war iii, but no go on to your actual answer, i want you to know as a grandpa figure you might want to just say no, sleep tight. go ahead, please. >> no, no, that is what i would say, no. but i would say-- but to attempt to transform ukraine into a bridge between russia and the west rather than as an outpost of either, against the other. >> stephen: who is this book for? is it for world leaders as a manual to reestablish order? >> no, it's written for, i

hope, ode americans if they try to understand what is going on in the world. >> stephen: so if you at home are saying to yourself what the hell is going on, this is your book? henry kissinger, thank you so much. the book is world order. we'll be right back. the book is world order. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) it can take the cold. and the heat. trust me. this battery can beat up your battery. duralast. proven tough. get in the zone. autozone.

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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause) -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com captions paid for by mtv networks ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ okay, children, we have a special guest today -- a woman recruiting young people for a national choir tour.

now, i know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame, but please give her your full attention. go ahead. uh, thank you, mr. garrison. how are we all doing today? i can't hear you! i said, "how are we all doing?" [ farts ] eric cartman, you say "excuse me"! okay. go ahead. children, we are a national choir called "getting gay with kids." we're gonna do a big tour down in central america to help save the rain forest, and you can be a part of it. mrph rmhmhm rm. [ laughter ] kenny mccormick, you speak when you're spoken to! go ahead. we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choirwhere wee [ yawns ] to raise awareness about our vanishing rain forests. did you know over 10,000 acres of rain forest are bulldozed every year? that's right, and over 30% of the world's oxygen is made in the rain forest. miss stevens: so, who wants to join the fun? what if you don't have any rhythm? excuse me? like my friend kyle. doesn't have any rhythm. shut up, fat-ass!