(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much.

welcome to the report. good to have you with us, folks. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. folks, i'm so glad you're here. i'm so glad you have got love and you've got energy tonightment i come out here night after night, i don't do this show-- i don't do this show for 9 praise. i don't do this show for the money. i do this show to make your life better. (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> stephen: now folks, there's so much horrible news out there right now. the ebola epidemic is spreading. isis continues their reign of terror and evidently, and i did not see this coming, the nfl employs some violent people. (laughter) i know. who could predict that? but no matter how rough the news gets, you know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough escape into a world of fantasy. and i am personally a huge fan of the genre from the lord of the rings, to the

chronicles of narnia to the notebooks of galileo. i mean the earth goes around the sun? please, i got two eyes, i can see. how did joshua stop the sun at jericho, come on. my love of the forum goes all the way back to high school. i used to feel so alone. it was just-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies, where were you when i was 16? back then it was just me an my 20 sided die. in fact, that die was my prom date. i did not get lucky that night. she managed to roll a save throwing against my magic wand. (laughter) but things are different now. the fantasy market is blowing up. in fact, the twilight series alone has earned over $5.7 billion. to put that in perspective, if you laid $5.7 billion end-to-end, it would still be more interesting than any of the twilight movies. (applause)

but superheroes, folks, but superheroes are the biggest caped cash cows. dc has made $8.9 million at the box office an marvel's movies have doubled that, proving once again it is more profitable to be a defense contractor than a journalist. well, daddy wants in on the sci-fi santa see cash-nado and i recently had the good fortune to acquire the next blockbuster franchise. i'm talking, of course, about the adventures of prince hawkcat. okay. this is the most popular human animal hybrid fantasy franchise ever published in esperonto. i can tell by your reaction that you are huge fans. so i feel good. (cheers and applause) i feel pretty good about investing my lifesavings in this thing. of course prince hawkcat is

a character everyone can kre late to. half hawk, half cat, paw prints. of course hawks an cats are natural enemies so if you show him a mer rohr, will attack himself. now all i have to do is slap together a movie based on this thing, and get those tickets in to sweaty palms worldwide. and what better place, come on, people are excited and what better place to do market research than the mecca of sci-fi branding and dweeb-on-dweeb dry humping -- >> comiccon, the holy grail of the coveted 18 to 34 nerd demographic. thousands of people wearing costumes or kosplay as their favorite characters. some of them spookily accurate. in order to reach these people, i would have to become one of them. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> i am hawkcat.

i took to the streets surrounded by hidden cameras, ready to fend off hawkcat's adoring fans. >> here i am, hawkcat. can you guess who i am? >> you are obviously eagle -- >> very close, eagle is close. >> not starhawk. >> tell me, please. >> stephen: what else do i look like besides a hawk. >> nothing, i don't know, man. i don't want to-- . >> stephen: whiskers. >> okay. >> put them together. are you so close. >> hawkcat. >> stephen: hawkcat, prince hawkcat. >> oh, okay, now i see -- >> sounds good. >> stephen: thanks, like a cat can lick himself but unfortunately he has a back which is extremely painful. yeah. >> can you guess who i am?

>> starhawk. >> no, do you know who i am? >> no. >> stephen: do you know who i am? >> no. >> do you know who starhawk is? >> yes! >> stephen: [bleep] you. i don't know who this starhawk douchebag, is no recognition on the street but i knew all that would change when i got in the convention center, the belly of the geekbeast. these people were the hard-core hawkcat fans. hawkcat. i fit right in. >> you can tell me who i am. >> i don't know. >> do you know who i am? >> i don't, no. >> who character am i playing. >> i don't know. >> hawkcat didn't expect to pay 29.99 for doughnuts. male hawkcat can't remember hawkcat's password. >> it was magical to walk the very same carpet that

previously hosted the american neurological association annual expo. prince hawkcat restored his dwindling magical powers by cannibalizing a distant cousin in the form of a fried chicken sandwich. >> hawkcat not birdman. >> a cat but also a hawk. >> yes. >> how hard could this be? i've got ears and a god dam back. >> four letters, it's either hawk or cat. >> hawkcat. >> stephen: yes! hawkcat. >> now that the crowd knew that hawkcat was in the house, everyone wanted a piece. >> what are you dressed as? >> meleficent. >> stephen: really? who are you more excited to have your picture with, me or her. >> you. >> you probably should go. i have this corner right now. i must say hawkcat likes the hawkkitty. meow.

who are you? oh, xena, yeah, i see, excellent. so what are you? >> i guess i'm a-- worker. >> great. really beautiful. green mile? >> you could be the new green mile that is awesome. >> prince hawkcat had taken comiccon by storm. now it was time to man my booth and sell my movie. first up, a prince. a battle for all. pbd. science, magic, based on the hawkcat series. >> cawmeow. >> come to me, subject. hawkcat, get your hawkcat. >> soon i had a crowd. >> what is this movie about? >> this is about a boy, it is in the distant future n 2019, based on princehawk. prince hawkcat series of novels. >> do you know any chinese?

>> not chinese? i know the chinese people go see movies and try to figure out which ones the chinese people saw. >> can i ask you which titles you like better, tales beyond dimension. terror doubt rot me. ted's big day, or the bionic dentist. >> are you chinese? >> he's japanese. >> all right, looking for chinese people. thank you. >> no one has ever heard of it. >> not heard of prinses hawkcat, no. >> response was muted to tbd -- -- but luckily hi also invested in a animated christmas movie called manan manana-manana. and i knew how to sell it to eye room full of rocket-- robots and wiz ars. >> have you accepted jesus christ as your lord and saviour. >> you have thought about accepting jesus christ as your lord and saviour. >> have you is accepted jesus christ as your lord

and saviour. >> no. >> would you be interested. >> not today. >> have you seen the veggie tales this is like veg yeaux tales. but with fruit instead of vegetables and banana time travel and it's a man. it has a christian message. yeah, are you guys into that? >> pay dirt. >> story of jesus christ, told from the point of view of a banana. >> no, the banana is friends with jesus, starts off as a story about jessus as a little boy. he's really lonely, because he's god and people don't understand them so he prayed to god for a best friend and god turns a ban anena into a man and he is a manana and they have fun together. and then later, cut to in the weren't day there is an atheist, okay. and es a a lawyer, clarence darrow, evolution lawyer. and he wants jesus not to have saved mankind so he gets in a time machine and he goes back to try to defend jesus against pontius pilot so jess you-- jesus

won't be crucified to save mankind and he is like it is so superimportant you don't win this case. and he is like i'm to the going to be a country lawyer, but i happen to know it's my job. i took an oath. >> all right. >> so-- they get him off, then they keep him in the time machine and bring jess to us the present-day. the atheist lawyer thinks he's won but what happened is, is that back in jesus's time they end up crucifying the banana, okay. and all of mankind is saved by the banannar because he knew all of jesus's teachings and saved everybody anyway. roll opening credits. that's the beginning of the film. >> we still are christian but we worship the ban an app. the banana is saved. in the sequel he fights crime and it's a musical. the whole thing is a musical. >> after a long day of

pitching my movie, i now had the input i needed from the experts. >> can i see your permit. unfortunately i did not have a permit for my booth. (cheers and applause) folks, since my lifesavings are tied up in both of these movies, i've decided to blend them in one new film, prince manana hawk-nana. its first part is what we have already filmed manana, the second is the story boards for hawkcat and the last two hours is prince hawkcat watching guardians of the galaxy in a movie theatre. we'll be right back. theatre. we'll be right back. (applause)

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everyone is looking for ways while to cut expenses.s unique, and that's where pg&e's online business energy checkup tool can really help. you can use it to track your actual energy use. find rebates that make equipment upgrades more affordable. even develop a customized energy plan for your company. think of it as a way to take more control over your operating costs. and yet another energy saving opportunity from pg&e. find new ways to save energy and money with pg&e's business energy check-up. welcome back. folks, i'm a big fan, thank you. i'm a huge fan of the pentagon's program of giving surplus military gear to local police departments. it's the only way to keep the peace in the unstable tribal region of suburban st. louis. but some folks say police departments shouldn't have all these equipment and i agree because it should be going to our schools.

>> new controversy tonight over this military grade armour veekd now in the hands of san diego unified school district school district. >> hey, the san diego school district needs that mrap to defend itself in case los angeles school districts get grenade launchers. which they did. besides, as the san diego school district police chief explained, it's not as scary as it looks. >> there will be medical supplies in the vehicle. there will be teddy bears in the vehicle. >> stephen: what a valuable life lesson, kids, when you see an urban military strike vehicle, run towards it for the free teddy bears. and the district, the district has taken great pains to make sure the mrap does not scare the kids. san diego unified school district is going to enlist its shop class to give it a paint job, see? now it just looks like a mine resistant ambush

protected ambulance. only this one doesn't need a siren because they can just drive right over the traffic. folks, i say this is how we can reassure everyone about having military vehicles rolling down main street america. because as harmless as this mrap looks here it could look even more harmlesser. i say we mount a giant hot dog on the roof. now it's no longer an 18 ton armoured military transport, it is just the oscar myer assault weiner. or even better, people love it. people love it. or even better, we attach a speaker to the top and play music to turn if into an ice cream truck. you know what they say, ice cream, you scream, we all scream when this thing comes down the street. we'll be right back. down the street. we'll be right back. (che(door bell rings) trick or treat! mmm! thank you!

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whoa, whoa, whoa. let me see those pants! jennie: my pants? amy: the court orders that you pivot, as to see the pants. so you like to look good in pants, huh? where did these pants come from? jennie: old navy. amy: how much were they? jennie: 25 dollars. and they come in a lot of patterns and colors. amy: doesn't add up ma'am. jennie: it's true! amy: you got that helen? amy: pixie pants. helen: pixie pants 25 dollars. amy: paul, what do you think of those pants? i think the pants would be, in a better home, if they were on my legs. so... court's adjourned until we get those pants. helen let's go, you drive! chop chop! rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on.

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well, did you know you that former pro football player ickey woods will celebrate almost anything? unh-uh. number 44... whoooo! forty-four, that's me! get some cold cuts... get some cold cuts... get some cold cuts! whooo! gimme some! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. whoo! forty-four ladies, that's me! whoo...gonna get some cold cuts today! >> welcome back, my guest tonight is from the lord of the rings movies, our interview will be adapted by peter jackson into two three hour films. please well cole viggo mortensen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! hey, viggo, good to see you again, so nice to have you back. thank you for being here. you've been on the show before but i have never had you as a guest. it is a long time goal of mine. >> your final season. good luck with the next place you're going to.

>> stephen: to hell in the end, my friend. >> i'm sure will you do fine. >> stephen: wherever i go, i don't know, i don't have any planes right now. viggo, you know, you're a movie star so it means i don't trust you and i blame you for society's ill. >> fair enough. >> stephen: but you're not just a movie star, you're also a musician, a photographer, a painter, a poet. you have appeared in over 40 fills including history of violence, lord of the rings triology. your new movie, your new movie is called "the two faces of january" in theatres september 26th. just give me a little idea here. what are the odds that this interview ends in a naked knife fight? because i got the knifes if you've got the naked. i'm ready to go. >> well, this movie does harken back to a bygonnera when men had to drink a lot of alcohol before they would get maked in front of one another. so i think after a few drinks we could show each other our knives, i think. all right, now you play a conman.

>> i do. >> stephen: is he the hero or the villean because conman doesn't sound good? >> he's a kind of bad guy that you want to get away with everything. somehow. at least that's how i saw it. >> stephen: we have a clip. let's show the good guy bad guy. >> may i finish my scotch first. >> yeah? >> ♪ ♪.

>> stephen: i'm going to guess that doesn't end well. >> no right there you could see i was thinking about getting naked. i'm getting there, i'm getting there. or at least managing a knife fight. >> yes. >> stephen: after acting for so many years, do you know who you are any more? because ackers are liars, basically. you lie about who you are to an audience. is there anything left of viggo? >> not much, no. >> stephen: you do, you have to reinvent yourself all the time. >> yeah, i accept it. i like it, i revel in it. >> stephen: of assuming who are you to a character. >> lying, cheating, yeah, all that. so plague a conman was kind of like type casting, really. >> stephen: the other things that you do the poetry, the music, the art, the photography, why do that? that sounds like much more work than acting is because that involves actually

having to produce a physical thing that you give to someone whereas acting you can go in there, you reflect light and you're halfway there. why would you-- what is it, what is it about those other things that attract you when you have already got the star dumb. >> i'm insecure. >> stephen: are you really? >> a lot of ackers are. >> no, i'm restless. i like to be busy. i always feel that life is short and i just want to learn as much as i can. >> stephen: really? wow. >> and i like books, i like to read books, i like to-- do you, can you? i can, i could, i could, i just don't like to show off by reading. no,-- i understand that you very good with accents. you can do a lot of different accents. >> i don't know. what some study, sure. >> stephen: well, i've got two hats here.

if you would indulge me for a moment. one of them is a list of accents, another is something i would want to you say in that accent. >> will we take turns. >> stephen: would you like to take turns? (cheers and applause) >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, great. you first, pick your accent, what accent you have to say it in. okay. all right. >> are they all the same card? >> no, no in is what i want to you say, this is something you have to say any one of them, okay. >> i swear it was the dog. >> was that ireland. >> that was ireland you could-- arwan cousin. >> i will go next. here we go. okay. spanish.

these two don't go welling to for me. >> i pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. viggo mortensen, the two face of january, opens next [ male announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches have the protein and fuel to fire you up. ♪ hot pockets! got protein to pleeease! ♪ ♪ hey piñata! i got energyyy! ♪

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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night.

♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ oi! there's a king croc right there. he must be 4 meters -- 12, 13 feet long, at least.

this croc has enough power in his jaws to rip my head right off. mrph! i've got to be careful. so what i'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butt[bleep] holy crap, dude! if i get bit out here, i'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital. i better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butt[bleep] oh, boy, he is pissed off now. go, dude, go! i'm gonna jam my thumb in its butt[bleep] now! this should really piss it off. oh, yeah, that pissed it off all right! i got to be careful! this guy rules! mprh rmhmhm rm! i told you guys. well, that was quite an angry croc, but i managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. next week, we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. thanks for watching. dude, let's go look for crocodiles. yeah! [ australian accent ] there's bound to be some crocs up here. i'll use my croc call and try bring them out. [ blabbering ] that's not how a croc sounds, you fat-ass penis!