>> this will be the international community and the muslim world. >> scrape is going to have boots over there.

>> i'll let the individual members of the coalition announce. >> there will be no ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you for joining us!

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much! welcome, everybody! hold on one second. i forgot to do something. (cheering) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! i apologize! this is my phone. i should have done this earlier. i'm just checking observe the order status -- on the order status of my iphone 6. it comes out tomorrow, but for some reason -- oh! it's here now! so beautiful! you are worse than useless. i hate you! you're perfect and i will never stop loving you... (laughter) ooh, this one came pre-loaded with nude photos of bono! (laughter) oh, i'm glad i got the 6 plus. (laughter) and i really needed this new

gadget because it's no secret that we are slaves to our electronic devices. at least that's what siri told me to say. (laughter) every day, we bury our heads in our phones, desperate to download every terabyte of information in the world, and the only price we pay is missing the world around us. wow, that's pretty deep -- i should tweet that. but luckily, there's a new app designed to help you screen your screen time. >> need a realty check on how many times a day you check your phone? there's a new app for that called checky. it will show you how many times you check the phone! >> stephen: yes, checky. it beats the previous way to tell if you were checking your phone too much -- walking into a mall fountain. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: caught me off-guard there. checky is a worthy successor to my previous favorite app for

limiting phone usage, "battery." (laughter) i installed checky today on the new phone, and i gotta admit, i have been checking my phone a lot today, to make sure everyone sees me checking my new phone a lot today. in fact -- i'm already up to 65 checks. actually, i better check checky to check that. whoa! 66! hold on. 67! wait a second. 68! i'm on a streak! but wait, it gets even more-er-er. >> so the best part, you can actually compare your phone checking average with other friends who also use the app. >> stephen: that's right. right now, every time i check my phone -- 69! new high score! (cheering) -- my friends get to see if i've checked my phone more times than they've checked theirs. and let me tell you -- 70! i'm killing it in my fantasy checky league. (laughter) the league, so far, is just me

and all my closest friends. there's... uh... let's see. one of them has brown hair. no, that's me. (laughter) anyway, i'm sure i have a lot of friends. just look how cool my phone is. (laughter) nation, with terror groups running roughshod all over the middle east, america faces an existential threat unlike any this country has ever known, and its name is barack obama. 'cuz when it comes to igniting a clash of civilizations based on centuries old animosity, this guy's heart just isn't in it. listen to his non-committal commitment of american forces. >> as i have said before, these american forces will not have a combat mission. we will not get dragged into another ground war in iraq. >> stephen: well, not with "that" attitude we won't! (laughter) because there's one thing this administration says they won't do. >> the white house continues to insist there will be no boots on the ground. >> the president has determined

that those boots will not be american boots that are on the ground. >> the notion that the united states should be putting boots on the ground, i think, would be a profound mistake. >> stephen: of course there won't be american boots on the ground. our shoes are all made in china. (laughter) okay. so stop worrying! (cheers and applause) you claim "no" boots on the ground. but what about the 1,600 troops already there? do they not have boots? are they barefoot? they could stub a toe! and the v.a. is already overwhelmed! (laughter) i'm confused. what the hell does any of this mean? >> here's why the president is so sure there will be no boots on the ground. because he just changed the name to "forward deployment." >> we know what that means.

why can't you call boots on the ground boots on the ground? >> who are these boots on the ground? >> who are the boots? whose boots are they? where are these boots coming from? somebody's imagination or are they real? >> i would assume they're boots on the ground unless they're in that michael j. fox, uh, hovercraft. that skateboard. >> stephen: well, obama? are the boots not on the ground because they're on that michael j. fox hoverboard? or are they on the ground --o are they not on the ground because our troops are turned into teen wolves and are dunking a basketball now? which michael j. fox movie is the? please don't say "casualties of war." fortunately, fox news guest and h.p. lovecraft tribute name peter hegseth was able to resolve all the questions about the footwear, as well as the foot-when, and the foot-why. jim? >> so this right here, gretchen, is a conventional standard army issue combat boot. this is what a trigger puller would wear. this is what i wore in iraq. this is the massive armed forces. no one is talking about bringing

them or having them on the ground at this point. what we're talking about is a boot like this. this is a boot of a special operator or one that they might wear. these -- this is what we're talking about. >> i guess the point that you're making is the boots that you brought to the show today may look different, but a boot is a boot. >> they're both boots. (laughter) >> stephen: yes! they're both boots! folks, this right here, that -- that is the type of in-depth reporting you can only get from fox news or zappos! (laughter) (applause) the point is, different troops wear different boots. which raises the question -- which footwear are we willing to put on the ground? i mean, obama said he wouldn't put boots on the ground. but apparently, that was a total

croc, because now he's flip-flopping, which is making the american people say "ugg"! and (bleep). (laughter) (applause) i've always said obama was a loafer. but with his constant golfing, now he just looks like some kind of clown! (laughter) 'cuz he knows boots on the ground are a slipper-y slope, and the last thing he needs is another wedge issue. he needs to stop converse-ing with our allies and just do it! cowboy! (cheers and applause) otherwise, the whole country is going to be taking it in the booty. we'll be right back.

(door bell rings) trick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm!

whoa, whoa, whoa. let me see those pants! jennie: my pants? amy: the court orders that you pivot, as to see the pants. so you like to look good in pants, huh? where did these pants come from? jennie: old navy. amy: how much were they? jennie: 25 dollars. and they come in a lot of patterns and colors. amy: doesn't add up ma'am. jennie: it's true! amy: you got that helen?

amy: pixie pants. helen: pixie pants 25 dollars. amy: paul, what do you think of those pants? i think the pants would be, in a better home, if they were on my legs. so... court's adjourned until we get those pants. helen let's go, you drive! chop chop!

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) nation, i love the n.f.l. it's america's top forum for discussing issues of domestic violence. and i understand the employees also get together and play ball on the weekends. (laughter) and the biggest but not the latest sad news out of the n.f.l. is the arrest of minnesota vikings running back adrian peterson on charges of child abuse. after he "spanked his son so hard with a switch the boy suffered injuries all over his body." really makes you nostalgic for the days when players were accidentally shooting themselves through their sweat pants. (laughter) peterson was suspended indefinitely this week and fox news' senior nerf football chucker, sean hannity, was not pleased. (laughter) >> i got hit with a strap, bam, bam, bam -- and i have never been to shrink -- by my father. i will tell you that i deserved it. i think he went too far, but i don't want to see this guy get a felony. i don't want to see this guy

lose his job. >> there is a difference between spanking and child abuse, spanking and corporal punishment. but we grew up in a time -- >> i got it like this -- agh, agh, agh! >> stephen: pumpkin patch! pumpkin patch! i'm sorry. that's the safe word sean and i agreed on. but hannity is right on this one. adrian peterson went too far, but the man deserves a second chance. after all, sean's dad whipped him with a belt, and he never needed to go to a psychotherapist! he just has to have them on his show three times a week. (laughter) and sean went on to explain just how unaffected he was by his childhood experience he can't stop mentioning. >> so my father should have been arrested based on today's standards? >> maybe, yes. >> that is nuts.

i will tell you, i was not mentally bruised because my father hit me with a belt. >> stephen: no, he was physically bruised. mentally, he grew up to be a psychologically healthy adult who cleaves desperately to strong authority figures, lashes out at perceived weakness and takes his belt off on live tv. (laughter) still, it didn't take long for hannity's great american panel to turn into a great american intervention. >> we're going to arrest everybody that has ever hit their kids? >> but it's a changing time. >> changing time. >> did your dad stick leaves in your mouth like adrian peterson -- >> my dad punched me in the face when i talked back to him once, and i deserved it. >> stephen: see? all hannity is saying is that some children deserve to be punched in the face. although it is sad to see that, so many years later, the swelling still hasn't gone down. (laughter) the point is, our country's gone soft.

not like in my day. when i was a kid and i didn't eat my peas, my mom would bash me over the head with a folding chair. (laughter) when i stayed out past dark, i could expect to see my dad waiting in the kitchen with a burlap sack and a rabid badger. (laughter) and i won't soon forget the time pee-pop got me in a full nelson, and then tagged in my grandma, who came in off the top rope with an elbow drop that made me think twice about not wearing my retainer. (laughter) and i deserved it every time. not because i made an innocent childhood mistake, but because i am a bad, bad person. i am a failure! disappointing everyone i love, even you, toots. (audience reacts) even you! i'm so sorry you hate me because i can't be loved! crying cryin(crying) oh, god schm i'm embarrassing myself on national television. there's only one way i'll learn. this will teach you to lose

control on television! never let them see who you really are! (laughter) anyway, keep up the good work, sean. i'll see you at the group on wednesday! (laughter) we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and ap

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is an acclaimed filmmaker who got his start with monty python's flying circus, and now he does something completely different. please welcome terry gilliam! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i'm a huge fan! i love you, steve correll! >> oh, oh, ahhh!

>> how do we look? (laughter) ♪ >> whoo! (cheers and applause) whoo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: terry! hey! thanks for coming on! >> thank you! >> stephen: thank you for being here tonight and wearing what i assume is your formal

bathrobe. >> mm-hmm. yes. >> stephen: terry, good to see you. >> it's good to be in the temple of colbert. >> stephen: thank you so much. i'll take the extra t. i'm saving them and sending them off to the french colonel any. colony. in your movie are monkeys and in this one called "the zero theorem," the future is not the happiest place. why do you see the future as bleak? maybe things all work out in the future. >> have you watched the film? >> stephen: i saw 40 seconds of it. >> that's enough. exactly. it's what i suspected all along. i have been brought here, and as you see the works, the -- (speaking foreign language) it's the way the french

pronounce "colonecolbert ." >> stephen: why don't we see a little bit. >> do you really want to? >> stephen: not really. >> let's see a little. it's the "the zero theorem." >> okay. ♪ (indiscernible talking, a variety of noises) >> stephen: will i be sad when i leave the movie? >> you will. but you will laugh before you're sad. you will go through all the emotions life can give us. >> stephen: will i be a sadder, but wider man? >> wider, sadder, but when you reflect on it later, you will

realize you stay truth and you're a man who believes in truth. >> stephen: i live in my truth (laughter) my truth is what i wish to be truth not what the facts support. i don't want to be sadder and wiser, i want to be happier and dumber. >> now you understand why i haven't renounced my american citizenship. >> stephen: because you don't want to be a happy idiot? >> yes! i think you put it beautifully (laughter) i don't need to say anything. (applause) >> stephen: in brazil, it was big government. >> yes. >> stephen: you seem more afraid or threatened by corporations. >> i think we ought to. i think you might even agree with me on some of this. >> stephen: probably not. >> stephen, stephen... >> stephen: tell the people watching this great viacom program why corporations are bad right now. (laughter) >> i think we've got to reach

across this gap that's separating us. let's hold hands and think together. >> stephen: okay. >> corporations -- >> stephen: corporations, yes, they're people. >> they make us happy. >> stephen: they do because they provide things like this. this beautiful thing. >> exactly. >> stephen: this is a beautiful thing of the future. oh, okay. yes, that old thing! (applause) (laughter) you've got to get yourself a new girl! >> this one doesn't have the unsightly bulge in the trousers. it's the old one. >> stephen: oh really? but this one makes me look happy to see you. (laughter) in the movie, chris owns -- >> he owns nothing. he's the man who worked for a corporation. he's incredibly skilled at the computer activity. >> stephen: the playing two pianos. >> he can do that as well.

he's an actor, a character and brilliant pianist in private life. but we're not talking about that. we're talking about the movie. he's a computer genius and he has a task of solving the zero theorem to prove everything is meaningless. all is nothing. >> stephen: maybe nothing is all. >> glass half full, half empty. >> stephen: maybe half full. maybe full of urine and you wouldn't want to drink it (laughter) >> yes. but that's his task. the problem is he's antisocial. he's not a social networker. he tries to disconnect from that and work at home like so many of us dream of. >> stephen: is this auto biographical? do you like people, terry? >> what i like to call is post or pre-post auto biographical.

pre-post-auto biographical. is that on the asperger's scale? (laughter) >> there you go. as a director, i have to identify with my main character. other wise, how can you answer the questions. during the movie, we laughed a lot and made jokes. in the end, i found i had become the character christoph played so brilliantly in the film. i love my computer. my wife has begun to question my sexuality. >> stephen: that outfit doesn't help. (laughter) >> her oshkosh dungare es, we balance. i think it's good for men to discover their femininity and women to discover their masculinity. >> stephen: as long as you have a safe word.

pumpkin patch, terry. pumpkin patch. >> i don't want to push you here. >> stephen: you're not pushing me at all. >> the point is will you and can you be comfortable wearing women's clothing? >> stephen: terry, i wish i had time to show you. i'm very comfortable wearing women's clothing. >> 811, tribeca grand hotel. (laughter) >> stephen: terry gilliam, "the zero theorem" opens tomorrow! we'll be right

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> sorry. >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on reddit.