within that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> this is culd a keg stand apparently, i know nothing about how this works within i never heard of a keg stand. >> i never heard of a keg stand. >> i never did either, not to get off topic because i

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! good to have you with us! good to have you! (cheers and applause)

ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night, i found the shofar to herald the arrival of rosh hashanah, the jewish new year, may 5775 be a year of happiness. (laughter) i still got it. (laughter) nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. nice thing about a dead ram horn, it only-- it only gets dead ramier. and folks, i'm already enjoying the traditional rosh hashanah treat known among the jewish people and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctly, apples and

chhoney. it expresses our hope for a sweet new year. and rosh hashanah-- rosh hashanah is just the beginning of the jewish high holiday fun. from now until yom kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as the days of repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuster, transformers 5: days of repentance. (applause) >> stephen: the plot centers on optimus prime's bar mitzvah and his most difficult transformation yet from boy into a manment and at the end he turns into a pen and pencil set. traditionally this is a time to apologize to all those you have wronged. now i do not follow this tradition because i am not jewish and i have never been wrong. (laughter) >> stephen: but for the past nine years, ladies and gentlemen, i have given any of the chosen people who have wronged me a chance to seek my forgiveness by

calling the atone-phone. (applause) the atone-phone at 1-888-667-7539 that is 1-888-oops-jew. (laughter) of course, of course, folks, maintaining one triple 8 oops-jew does not come cheap that is one more thing for to you feel guilty about. that is why every year we defray some of the costs by sharing our line with other businesses that happen to have names that can be spelled using the name telephone number. for instance, this year, when you call please press 2 if you want at tone-phone. if you press 1, you will be connected to 1-888-mors-kids a club for young telegraph enthusiasts f you press 3, you reach 1-888-mor-pkx, a legal hotline dedicate odd to the ever increasing list of ex-wives of my dear

friend pk winstrom. jim? >> absolutely. you've reach, 1-8889-mors-pkx where we say it's not about the kid, it's about the money. if this is brenda, press 1. if this is vanessa press 2. if this is other brenda, press 3. if this is janine, shh, i haven't told the others about you yet. >> stephen: finally, folks, if you press 4, will you get onpr lady, a sex chat line featuring fresh air's terry gross. jimmy? (applause) jimmy, give them a taste. >> hello, you're on with onpr lady. this is terry. >> oh what are you wearing? >> what am i wearing? >> a seamingly straightforward question. yet perhaps no outward signifier of identity is more powerful than what one wears. though it is considered a

virtue to say that appearances don't matter, often i professed indifference say kind of costume but to answer your question, jeans and a cardigan, big boy. >> oh, yeah. (applause) >> stephen: i think i need a little fresh air. so folks, remember if 1-888-oops-jew, press 2 to get at tone-phone. operate certificate standing by. 11, 27, 49, far too often these are the winning numbers of our lottery tickets. but now insiders in the industry are saying even numbers may be making a comeback. (laughter) at tone-phone. we've got our first caller. shalom, how have you wronged me? >> hi, stephen, it's endie

folk rock legend jeff tweedy. >> stephen: endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy, jeff this is something of a surprise. i didn't know you were jewish. >> well, that's just it, stephen, i converted last year. >> stephen: oh, okay, and you are racked with guilt because you betrayed both jesus and me? >> no, i feel bad because hi a bar mitzvah and i didn't invite you. >> stephen: oh-- that's okay, jeff. i just hope you and your real friends had fun. i was probably busy that night anyway. >> i'm so sorry, stephen. >> stephen: don't worry about it, mazel tov on your bar missia and double stuff maz el on being forgiven by me. >> thanks, stephen. why don't you join us some friday for shbbat dinner. >> next week is yom kippur, we're fasting. >> stephen: oh, great, you can watch me eat. bye. (applause) folks, as a patriot i have

always believed that during a time of war we must all put aside our political differences, come together and rally around our commander in chief. but sometimes a president acts so recklessly that men of good conscience stand and say no more. jim? >> outrage this morning over president's salute with a coffee cup in his hand, some saying it is a latte salute. when he arrived yesterday on air force one in lower manhattan watch the instagram images from the white house. yup, that's the president. saluting with what looks like a styrofoam cup either with coffee or tea or whatever it is, nonetheless, he didn't switch hands. and people are fired up about this. >> stephen: oh, i am more than fired up about this. (applause) warning, warning, contents are hot. (laughter) >> stephen: and before the ugly accusations start

flying from the liberals this has nothing to do with the fact that the coffee was black. i am sick-- i am sick and tired-- (applause) >> stephen: mi sick and tired of the race hustlers out there playing the starbucks gift card. because obama wasn't even drinking coffee. >> the idea that i'm going to just sort of jaunt out there with my chai tea and give them the old, you know f not a latte salute t is a chai salute because he drinks chai tea. >> stephen: thank you, carl, thank you for that. chai tea. (applause) i bet that tea had a spriing of arugala in there and was certified halal by an undocumented gay muslim barista. and to anyone who say os bama's coffee salute was an awkward accident rather than the manifestation of a twisted mind hell-bent on disrespecting our armed forces, prepare to be educated. >> look, obviously i don't think he said let me put the

coffee in this hand and salute a marine. i think he was buttoning his jacket with one hand, he had a coffee and he just, obviously he wants to have iting ba. i don't think he intentionally did that, do you? >> i think when are you not intending to do something, you could be intending to do something. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: now, does that sound idiotic? yes. because she didn't intend it to. (laughter) 9 point is, not gretchen here was outraged. so she had no choice but to strike back with the most powerful puns in her arsenal. >> have you seen this, president saluting with a coffee cup in his hand, was it a latte disrespect or a latte do about nothing. send us your hashtag e-mails now. >> stephen: oh, i will send you my hashtag e-mails now.

miss log on-- hold on-- give me a second here. power that thing up. let me just lock on to hashtag e-mails.com. dear steve doocy, not gretchen, and brown haired guy who is not steve doocy. i believe the president's salute was a latte disrespect, it was un-americano, this is a mocka-ry of our military, that should have us flying our flags as half-caf. no sanka, you, sir, not in my maxwell house. it makes me very unflappy to see. we got to put that dopio on an espresso chain to cappu-china before it's too cafe awe late. thank you for letting me venti my anger, and hashtag

e-mail. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. looks like we're about to board. mm-hmm. i'm just comparing car insurance rates at progressive.com. is that where they show the other guys' rates, too? mm-hmm. cool. yeah. hi. final boarding call for flight 294. [ bells ring on sign ] [ vehicle beeping ] who's ready for the garlic festival?

this guy! bringing our competitors' rates to you -- now, that's progressive. ted what are you doing? i was trying to get these skittles, but i got stuck. [ crickets chirping ] maybe i should try.

[ spider ] i say go for it. [ crickets chirping ] trap the rainbow! taste the rainbow! and this is the iphone 6 plus. they come with a thing called health, so they can help you track a lot of stuff. like today, i walked 3.8 miles. well, i ran 4.2 miles. well, i climbed 11 flights of stairs. well, i drank a smoothie that had 362 calories in it. well, i had a funnel cake that had 1230 calories in it. ♪ you know that's not good, right? it was good. it was delicious.♪

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has been making americans laugh for five decades and he does an amazing bill cosby impression. please welcome bill cosby. (cheers and applause) mr. cosby, thank you so much. pleasure to be here. thank you so much. really, i-- thank you so much for being here tonight, sir. >> yes. >> stephen: not all of our guests look this nice. not everyone has an insignia on their pocket. i really appreciate you putting some effort in. >> betsy ross asked me if she wanted to-- if she could, do a flag. i aid no.

-- i said no. >> stephen: you turned down betsy ross. >> yes. >> stephen: so who did the flag? >> betsy ross did the flag. >> stephen: right. >> because george washington heard that i turned her down. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, okay. >> so-- . >> stephen: he pulled strings. >> she sewed strings. (laughter) >> stephen: potato, potato sir. >> no, not the same. tomato. tomato, tomato, parade. (laughter) >> stephen: are you going to be-- are you going to be in town for the tomato parade? >> yes, sir, pomona.

give me these. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, sir -- >> i want to tell you something. >> stephen: i want to hear it. >> it's frightening. >> stephen: yes, what's frightening. >> it's frightening sitting here. >> stephen: why is it frightening, i am so happy you are here, i have been a lifelong fan of yours. >> happy for you. frightening for me. >> stephen: no need to be frightened. >> they brought me out here. >> stephen: yeah. >> and set me in the dark. and then you turned on some music-- ♪ ♪ ♪ and-- (laughter) >> stephen: that's exactly what we did. that's true. exactly what we did. >> ♪ ♪ ♪ and i said oh boy, this is going to be like the

funhouse. (laughter) >> where, did you ever go to the amusement park and they go in what they call the fun house? >> stephen: yeah, it's not fun at all, it's kind of scary. >> it is kind of scary? >> stephen: kind of scary. >> they have, somebody thought it was funny, and you walk in, in the dark, see first of all, anybody that does that, there's something wrong with you. >> stephen: who makes it or goes. >> makes it. the person who makes it, something is wrong with them. they don't like little children. because they had these things, i don't know, and there was rubber stuff. and nobody told you. and the first thing you do, you walk in and you just a kid, man. you trust old people. and they lead you, mr. colbert, they lead me through this thing and things would all around, doing like that around my

ankle. and-- . >> stephen: did they ever put out the bowl of grapes and say feel this, these are eyeballs or the bowl of spaghetti like these are human gut, did they do that kind of stuff? >> well, let me explain something to you. (laughter) >> i was born to two people who had no money. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i ate anything. >> stephen: so would you have eaten the eyeballs. >> anybody's balls. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: in some countries, it's a delicacy, a delicacy. >> yes. an when you're poor, it can be a delicacy. as long as you give me a piece of bread, i can make it. >> stephen: so two balls on one piece of bread, that's an open face ball sandwich. (laughter) you are a legend. >> no, no, don't change the

subject. >> stephen: i'm not changing the subject. i'm not, i promise you, i'm not. i would never. >> i swear to god. let go. listen-- (laughter) >> what i want you to know is that you are carrying-- you're carrying me too fast. >> stephen: let's slow down. >> you have to go somewhere. >> stephen: very slow. >> yeah, please, because we got to those ball sandwiches and i was enjoying that. >> stephen: let's linger. >> and then did you something to the ball sandwiches and i didn't want any more. (laughter) >> didn't want any more. >> stephen: i think they're enjoying themselves. i think they're coming along for the ride. >> i don't want it where they turn on you. (laughter) >> stephen: no, no, are you okay? you guys okay? (cheers and applause)

hold on one secretary, we're going do a little commercial. >> a little one? >> stephen: any one, it will be so small. >> see, that's the one words that grown-ups use, i remember they always lie. (laughter) >> stephen: they do. grown-ups lie to children. >> this is going to be a little one. >> stephen: this house you're going go into, it's going to be fun. >> keep the lights on. >> stephen: we'll keep the lights on. we'll be right back. ♪ there it is... this is where i met your grandpa. right under this tree. ♪ (man) some things are worth holding onto. they're hugging the tree. (man) that's why we got a subaru. or was it that tree? (man) introducing the all-new subaru outback. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.

whoa, whoa, whoa. let me see those pants! jennie: my pants? amy: the court orders that you pivot, as to see the pants. so you like to look good in pants, huh? where did these pants come from? jennie: old navy. amy: how much were they? jennie: pixie pants are 25 dollars. amy: doesn't add up ma'am. jennie: all pants and jeans are on sale starting at $19, but not for long. amy: helen, can you read that back please? helen: but not for long... amy: paul, what do you think of those pants? i think the pants would be, in a better home, if they were on my legs. so... court's adjourned until we get those pants. helen let's go, you drive!

chop chop!

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, we're honored to be here tonight with dr. william cosby. dr. cosby. >> yes. >> stephen: dr. cosby, thank you so much for being here tonight. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: what a pleasure. >> thank you. >> stephen: now i will-- by am going to say something controversial. i think you're great. you're a comedy legend. you've got emmies, you've got grammys, you've got books. everybody loves bill cosby.

you are-- there is something called the colbert bump. the colbert bump is once you've been on my show things gets big for you. will you walk down the street tomorrow, people are going to go that's bill cosby, i saw him on colbert. but there's also something called-- there's something called the cosby effect. you bring people together of disparate backgrounds to enjoy your work. principles, like nelson mandela, when he was in jail, he and his jailers both watched the cosby show. in the '80s it helped with the reconciliation there. why isn't morgan froman playing you in a movie? (applause) >> well, out of respect morgan and i worked together on the electric company. >> stephen: i remember, i remember. >> so-- i think out of respect morgan is waiting for me to die.

>> stephen: you see. >> stephen: did he ever call you up and say, how are you feeling? >>. >> not only that, but he's asked how sydney is doing, pottier. >> stephen: harry bell a fonte. >> everybody, he wants to know how they're all doing. and he's not a happy man. not a happy man. well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that i died. >> stephen: how does that feel, how does that feel to hear? >> well, no, no, morgan calls. >> . >> stephen: i see. >> and i have a machine upon my desk, if you call, it sounds like i'm answering. so it will go to the fourth ring, hey, what's happening? and then you'll say hello?

>> stop saying hello, what's going on, man. so then that fools a lot of people. and i think that morgan is going to be all right. >> stephen: i agree, i agree. mr. cosby, i can't thank you enough for being here. >> yes, you can. >> stephen: i can? i can? tell me when i get there. >> okay. >> stephen: all right, let me try, let me try to thank you and see if i get there. >> see, you are wearing it out. >> stephen: oh i want to you remember wrefer you go. >> stephen: yes. >> whatever job you have. >> stephen: yes. >> you have a desk and a mic, and two chairs. call me. (applause) >> stephen: bill cosby. (applause) we'll be right back.

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"hello. you can go ahead and "have a nice flight."re." ♪ music plays ♪ music plays traveling can feel like one big mystery. you're never quite sure what is coming your way.

but when you've got an entire company who knows that the fewest cancellations and the most on-time flights are nothing if we can't get your things there, too. it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. >> stephen: well, that's it for the report, everybody. folks, before i go, i want to remind you that in-- if you enjoyed my interview with bill cosby tonight, get in line. and to learn more about mr. cosby, go to your local library and check out cosby, his life and times by mark whitacre. an when they tell you they don't have it yet, go out and buy it, you cheap skate. good night. (cheers and applause)

♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ mom, please, can we just leave? you have to see the eye doctor, eric. but i hate the eye doctor. he always making fun of me for being fat. you're not fat. you're big-boned. that's what i told him, but he doesn't listen to reason. eric cartman? weak. hello, eric.

hi, dr. lott. how is my little piggy today? hey! don't call me little piggy! i just say that because you're my little buddy. i'm just here for an eye exam. keep the fat jokes to yourself. hop up on the chair. don't break it, now. damn it! just kidding. let's see how your eyes are doing. all you have to do is read the letters. can you see the letters? yes. all right. read them out for me. "i... am a little pig-e." hey! [ laughs ] that does it! mom! no, no. that -- that was just a weird coinci-- i do not know how that happened. "i am little pig-e." wow. what are the odds of that? all right. let's get down to business. gee, that's a good idea. my mom isn't paying you to be a comedian. let's see. which is better, one or two? one or two? they look exactly the same. just pick one -- or two. i don't know. two. okay. one or two. one or two. um, one. one or two. one or two. two! no! the answer is one, piggy! one! ow! i hate you! yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. i'm going to have to dilate them and run some tests.

i wonder how come cartman's not in school today. usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch. mrph rmhmhm rm. [ laughter ] yeah. oh. here he comes. hey, dudes. whoa. what happened to your eyes, cartman? my ass[bleep] eye doctor made them all dialbated. why? why? i'll tell you why. because he's a damn ass[bleep] and that's about it. why do you have to see an eye d? because my eyes suck. that doctor likes to torture me, and i have to go back tomorrow. i don't know what i'm gonna do. dude, just ask chef for help. he always knows what to do. hey. yeah. ow! hey, chef. hey, chef. hey, chef. mrph rm. hello, there, children. my eyes are seriously screwed up. chef looks like a skinny, little white guy. it's time for luncharoo! where's chef? chef quit. what?! mrph?! what?! what?! chef is gone. so let me introduce myself. i'm your new cook, mr. derp. [ fanfare plays ] mr. derp? when i'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. if you liked chef, you're gonna love mr. derp!