( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: tonight, a persecuted minority fights back. here here. we're unable to rhyme. enjoy that fact! then the sports world is rocked by scandal, or as it's sometimes called, football season. my guest tonight is former led zeppelin front man robert plant. ( cheers and applause ). i've got bad knees, so i'll ask

him if there's an escalator to heaven. a new study says on average men need 7.8 hours of sleep a day. really, on top of the 12 hours i get each night? this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. hold on a second, folks. folks.

i'll be with you in a second. i just have too finish up here. folks, the whieft crin establishment is under attack again and i am just whittling myself a little personal defense cross, okay. and if anybody comes at me i can give them a little salvation right in the jugular. all right. if they get past that, i've got this knife. folks, i might have to do it, because once again, the secular progressives are coming for the most sacred american holiday in the first half of october. jim. >> the staelgt school board giving christopher columbus the boot? in order to celebrate the indigenous people of the seattle area, the scookd has unanimously voted to have the school observe indigenous people day. >> stephen: yes, seattle is replacing columbus day with indigenous people day. why? they didn't discover america. and it was right under their feet the whole time. how lazy do you have to be to

not even look down? and they claim-- they claim it's about fighting racism, but tell them what's really going on here peter johnson jr.? >> it's a social and political statement that says that christopher columbus was a violator of indigenous people. >> it's a slap. >> it's an attack on columbus day. >> stephen: yes, it's an attack on columbus... day. ( laughter ) or to put it in a way that fit my preexisting graphic, it's columbus day under attack. >> mam mam mama mia. >> jesus and columbus side by side, just like they were on the "nina" and "pinta." , of course, st. mary on on the "sainta maria."

as an american patriot i identify with an italian explorer employed by spain. this is the good kind of immigrant. i would be fine with the border jumpers if they were just trying to find spice routes to asia. and now seattle wants me to feel guilty just because columbus' arrival uttered in centuries of subjugation and genocide. it's over. we're making amends. just this weekend we're sending reba to mohegan sun. what more do they want? worst of all, if this catches on, we stand to lose all of our most cherished columbus day traditions. it all starts bright brightand early on columbus day morning when the kids rush downstairs in their p.j.toss say, "we're off from school! why does dad have to work? that doesn't seem right." no, it doesn't. it doesn't seem right at all, kids. then we go to the parade and eat our way through sauseech. ... i think right now, all of us feel like that italian guy who

played that indian guy in those pollution commercials. ( laughter ) ( applause ) day breaks, you stay brave, iron eyes. we may forgive, but we must never fughet about it. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i love internet memes. they teach us about human nature. in fact, i learned that from an internet meme. and a viral vid-clip recently burning up the hash-web is an argument over the weather between two toddlers. >> it's raining. >> no,. >> it's spring ling. >> it's raining. >> no, it's sprinkling! >> no, it's raining. >> my mom told me it's sprinkling! >> it's raining. >> no--

>> yes, it is. >> my mom told me it was sprinkling, not raining. >> my mom said it's raining. >> stephen: it's a classic case of he-said-mom-said, she-said-mom-said. and talk about precocious. these kids are appeal to authority to argue over something they actually kind of agree about. just like cable news does. you see, msnbc-- ( cheers and applause ) msnbc says it's sprinkling, fox news says it's raining and cnn says whatever, it's wet. throw anderson cooper out there in a tight t-shirt. ( cheers and applause ). now, unfortunately, unfortunately, what should have been a civil shouting match erupt swod violence. >> it's raining! it's raining. >> no, it's not! >> it's raining.

ow! >> i don't care. it's raining. >> no, it's not. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm not crying. my fies is just spwinkling. ( cheers and applause ) okay, jim, let's go over here. nation, it seems like every time you turn on the news lately, you hear something that shocks you to your core. just this morning, i was horrified to find out there is an election next month! and this midterm season, the best political ad does not promote a candidate. it promotes a demonized minori

minority. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yes, republicans are people, too. i have not seen such courageous rebranding since white castle's "it is food." ( cheers and applause ) and the man responsible for this ad, vinny minchillo, has vast experience making republicans seem humans because he once

worked for mitt romney. vinny says he made the ad because on social media, "i've been called every name in the book. it's become socially acceptable to talk about republicans in the most evil terms possible." or to put vinny's explanation another way-- >> he poked my heart. >> stephen: you poked his heart. and just like that little boy, republicans have had a hard time communicating with women. i tonight know why. folks, i don't know why. republicans can be anybody. they can be women. men. but mostly stock photo models. and it doesn't matter that we checked with the photographers and found out that the guy in front of the prius is not a republican, and lives in sweden. ( laughter ) and that the republican reading the "new york times" does not affiliate with either party and is actually reading the "wall street journal." i just think that this ad, this

just adds to the message of inclusiveness. republicans can be people that they're not. as long as we can find the right stock photo, i believe republicans can be people who do yoga on produce. republicans can be women who eat salad in the bath tub. republicans can be astronauts who take their helmets off in space. republicans-- ( cheers and applause ) republicans can get tangled in yarn. and republicans can even be tv hosts. ( cheers and applause ). that's right, folks. that's right. i am, i, stephen colbert has a confession to make. for nine years now i've been telling you i'm an independent conservative, but that was a lie. >> ooohhh!

>> stephen: i'm sorry, i thought i was fooling everyone. last night when i finally came tout my family as openly republican, they said they always knew. they could tell. this commercial has inspired me to encourage all closeted republicans who are afraid to be themselves to join me. i'm looking at you, papa bear. >> awns, i'm an independent. i'm an independent, but i know both parties pretty well. >> i'm an independent, i'm an independent, all right. >> stephen: okay, girlfriend, whatever helps you. ( cheers and applause ) wharf helps you cry yourself to sleet at night. we can talk when you're ready. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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but when you've got an entire company who knows that the most on-time flights are nothing if we can't get your things there too. it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. >> welcome back, my guest is eye rock 'n' roll legend. i believe it's a concept album about a white noise machine. please welcome robert plant! ( cheers and applause ) boom, boom. come on! sit down, my friend. ( cheers and applause ) you know what?

you never thought-- i never thought i would start an interview by saying, "i just touched robert plant's butt." robert, thank you so much for being here. >> it got warm. >> stephen: i have very gentle hands. robert, my leesh lord, thank you for being here. how has your rock-toner been treating you? >> so far, so good. i don't know where we came from recently. ♪ you came from the land of the ice and snow ♪ otherwise nope as canada. >> yeah, exactly. somebody called it something else the other day when we were in toronto but that's another story. y woo came from japan through morocco, up to estonia-- we got lost. >> stephen: is that just for fun or is that business? >> that's because i'm still on a mission. >> stephen: a mission or a quest? because i see you-- you're a commander of the british empire, right?

you're a c.b. e, right? >> we're not sure about empires, are we? >> stephen: not much anymore, no, no. what's that? holy-- ( laughter ) you took out my pet flag. are you a knight errant on a quest? >> i don't think i'm ever going to make the full grade, actually, to be perfectly frank with you. it's been a long journey, and i think c.b. e is. as far as i can get. >> stephen: what about in your heart? what about as an artist? are you on a quest of your own? >> i think i manage to it's a lot of cereals in the morning. >> stephen: so you have plenty of fiber, very important. >> and it keeps me regularly marchingeing forward. so my quest basically-- i'm going to get to the end of this somehow or other-- it's a long one and has no end. it's a wonderful thing to do surrounded by great people. i brought you a little present from the stock room.

>> stephen: what is that? ( applause ) i'm not-- let's find out what this is later. >> okay, yeah. >> stephen: shall we? >> i think it's one of the accessories of being not quite as nice as the british empire, but on the way. >> stephen: all right, well, thank you very much. and for the purposes of my lawyer and my network, this is a cigarette. okay. ( cheers and applause ). now, you-- besides being a rock god, beside being the original rock god, you are also a-- a huge fan of poetry. do you have a favorite english poet or a style of poetry? >> yeah, i think william blake. ( applause ) >> stephen: tiger, tiger, burning bright. >> yeah, but the kind of grip that he has, that great-- stirring the nation. stirring people by the fireside. beautiful stuff, really great. >> stephen: do you like the romantic poets, the gothic

poets. >> very much. you'll find them all inside that album. >> stephen: nice segue. the ambum itself is called "lullaby and the ceaseless roa roar." what is the lullaby? is the ceaseless roar the lullaby itself? >> it's all life. it's the ricochet and the the collision of all the adventures i've had, i suppose. it's time to write some of them down. >> stephen: so the sea shell on the cover here, is the ceaseless roar the sound we hear when we listen to the sea? >> it's a parallel to that, yeah. it's a place to take stock. >> stephen: i heard that that-- that crashing wave sound and nthe sea shell is actually us hearing our own blood pounding in our ears echoed through the shells. >> that's a relief, isn't it, really? >> stephen: you're right. i thought it was magic. >> yeah you've come to the right place. >> stephen: is there a time when you're not in full robert plant-ness. because right now, i'm still

get-- i'm still getting the full robert plant. is there a casual robert plant in sweat pants and flip-flops walks his dog maybe with a handful of poop in a plastic bag. is it out there someplace? does it exist? >> backstage at the fillmore in 1970, i think. >> stephen: and there wasn't a dog. >> there was. >> stephen: do you have a dog? >> yeah, i do. >> stephen: what's your dog's name? >> his name is arthur. and he's the future dog. >> stephen: if you could be a character from an arthurian legend, who would you be? would you be arthur, lance lot. >> i would be dervele. he is the only guy-- you ready to have a little news. >> stephen: always. >> he's the only guy actually written about from the last battle before he teleported off with the three chicks. >> stephen: on the goat. >> dervele survived judge & he went on to be somewhere in a monastery on the welsh border or something like that. >> stephen: you want to be him because he lived?

>> he lost his right hand, but he had a left one. he kept going. >> stephen: always nice to have a spare. ( applause ) well, rocket robert, would you s out gidon't know if i can do that that? am i request qupon gld we have a tambourine. what more need you? thank you so much. robert plant. the album is "lullaby and the ceaseless roar." we'll be right back. helps you find a whole range of coverages. no one else gives you options like that. [voice echoing] no one at all! no one at all! no one. wake up! [gasp] oh! you okay, buddy? i just had a dream that progressive had this thing called... the "name your price" tool... it isn't a dream, is it? nope. sorry! you know that thing freaks me out. he can hear you. he didn't mean that, kevin. kevin: yes, he did! keeping our competitors up at night.

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>> stephen: his new album, "lullaby and the ceaseless roar." ladies and gentlemen, robert plant and the sensationald space shifters. ♪ ♪ >> ♪ i found a lucky charm i dressed it up with love ♪ i crossed the seven seas to you ♪ will it be enough? ♪ and i will be a rainbow, oh while your storm is gone ♪ and i will bring the song for you ♪ and i will carry on

♪ ♪ ♪ i'm reachin' for the stars in the sky above ♪ oh, i will bring their beauty home ♪ the colors of my love ♪ i will be a rainbow now your storm is gone ♪ and i will bring my song to you ♪ and i will carry on ♪ oh, whoo oh, whoo ♪ whoo ♪ oh, oh

♪ love is enough, though the world be a wind ♪ and the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining ♪ my hands shall not tremble, my feet shall not falter ♪ the voyage shall not weary, the fish shall not alter, hmm ♪ it's rainbow, oh, it's rainbow, oh, ♪ can't you see the eyes are the eyes of a lover? ♪ pocket full of hearts a world that's filled with love ♪ a love that carries all before the passion and the flood ♪ i lie beneath your rainbow now your tears have gone ♪ and i will sing my song for you ♪ and i will carry on.

yes, i will ♪ ♪ ♪ whoo whoo ♪ whoo whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: robert plant, "lullaby and the ceaseless roa roar." rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate.

all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on.

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are. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. "lullaby and the ceaseless roar." good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪