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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 14, 2014 9:54am-10:25am PDT

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88 degrees. just to wrap up our workweek. fantastic weather. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (eagle caw) >> stephen: tonight, the midterm elections are on november 4th. or if you're a democrat, november 7th! (laughter) then, america reaches a milestone. though it had to use one of those reacher-grabbers. (laughter) and my guest, walter isaacson, has a new book about the history of your computer -- it had to be your history because i always clear mine. (laughter) netscape navigator launched 20 years ago today, and it has just now finished loading. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. as you were, nation! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! that's lovely! thank you so much for the greeting! your adulation is as warm and
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fragrant as a spiced apple cider! i use that did met for because it's autumn here in new york and while the season brings colorful foliage and candy apples, it's also time to take on those unpleasant fall chores -- cleaning the gutters. weather-proofing the windows, and pretending you like decorative gourds. (laughter) oh, how beautiful, a butternut tumor! (laughter) of course, the most tedious autumn chore of all is covering the midterm elections. it's like watching people dry. and this midterm the democrats are drawing a clear difference between them and their arch nemesis barack obama. 'cuz, according to politico, "hardly any candidates in the most competitive states want president barack obama anywhere near them." so the popular obama has been hitting the trail instead, like this weekend in iowa.
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>> i am beyond thrilled to be here today to support your next senator from iowa, our friend, bruce bailey. you need to elect bruce bailey. leaders like bruce bailey. bruce bailey. bruce bailey. vote. >> stephen: wow! a powerful endorsement from the. first lady. it's definitely gonna get bruce bailey's name out there. whoever 'he' is. because the man running for senator is "braley" (laughter) honest mistake -- she must've missed the sign in front of her. she was probably distracted by the 'giant' sign behind her. you know i love you, ma'am. folks, this just proves that even the first lady isn't paying attention to the mid terms.
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but as a newsman, i am just as committed to covering this election as my colleague brett baier. brett, kickoff the midterm jams! >> we will talk all about the hot midterm races to watch and what's happening there on the map during our online show beginning at 7:00 eastern. log on at foxnews.com/sr online a little bit later just after the show. >> stephen: brett is so jazzed about the midterms he's, bringing you hot, up-to-the-minute coverage... a little bit later, somewhere on the internet. well, brett, i will not be out-obligated-to-be-excited. it's time for... midterms. '014: detour to gridlock -- an exciting thing that i am totally interested in -- wait! don't change the channel. look at this video of a duckling following a cat dressed like a shark riding a roomba!" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: 0/14!
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nation! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, the stakes of this election couldn't be more describable. republicans are just six seats away from grabbing control of the senate. a move that would change the face of senate leadership from this to this, or the other way around. not sure. one theoretically interesting race is in colorado, where this actual poll shows incumbent democrat mark udall running in a virtual tie with republican congressman cory gardner and it is very unclear who will win. what's clear is that all charts in colorado now look like a recently lit joint. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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and i'm all-in for staunch conservative congressman, cory gardner, who's come under fire lately for co-sponsoring a federal "personhood" bill, currently in congress, which states the right to life is vested in each human being, beginning at the moment of fertilization or cloning. (laughter) true, every new life deserves the rights of personhood, even if it's just a clone intended solely as a source of backup organs. daddy loves you, beta stephen (laughter) keep doing your liver exercises! (laughter) (applause) this race is close because udall has built a solid advantage among women voters. in part because gardner's bill could outlaw some forms of birth control.
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okay, ladies -- gardner's name is on that "federal" personhood bill in congress, but he has a simple answer to your concerns. >> reporter: if you don't support the personhood initiative, why keep your name on that "life begins at conception act" on the federal level? >> gardner: there is no such thing as a federal personhood bill. >> reporter: but the facts are >> gardner: the facts are, eli, that there is no federal personhood bill. there is no federal personhood bill. >> stephen: okay? there is no federal personhood bill. it's settled! this bill that gardner co-sponsored doesn't exist! (laughter) (cheers and applause) next up, folks, south dakota. up until now, south dakota was best known as the dakota that
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'doesn't' have fargo, which is in north dakota, which is, of course, famous for the movie. "fargo" which takes place in minnesota. (laughter) but south dakota just got south interesting. >> in south dakota, which was on no one's radar screen, now we're looking at a tight race. >> republican mike rounds, who has been leading by double digits, now holds only a three-point lead over independent candidate larry pressler. >> it's potentially a game changer for the republicans and the democrats because if the republicans lose this seat, i don't think they can win back control of the senate. >> suddenly, there's a three-way race there. >> it's a three-way race. >> stephen: yes, south dakota is a three-way race. nothing new to the state. there's still a four-way race for president on mt. rushmore. south dakota was supposed to be an easy pickup for the republicans on their way to a senate majority. but now it's a dead heat between these three candidates, who are making their final pitch for campaign cash -- or whatever currency they use in south dakota -- i believe it's
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crushed souvenir pennies from wall drug. (laughter) and one of the biggest political figures in the state is ready to weigh in. joining me now with an endorsement that could sway the race is south dakota governor dennis daugaard. governor daugaard, thank you for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, sir, it's a tight race. i understand you're here to announce who you're backing. correct? >> absolutely. i don't think it'll surprise any south dakotans to hear that i'm endorsing mike rounds. >> stephen: okay. republican mike rounds. why is that? >> well, having spent eight years as a lt. governor under mike, i can say that he has the leadership and vision we need in washington. not to mention, he's a hunting buddy. >> stephen: there you have it. by the way, governor, how does it feel to have your state's politics thrust into the national spotlight?
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>> it's thrilling. most people can't identify a single politician from south dakota. >> stephen: i know. that's why i just hired you, a local actor, to play the governor of south dakota because i knew no one could tell the difference. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> that's right. by the way, can i leave this head shot with you? >> stephen: absolutely. tom creel, everybody! he's fantastic! it says here, under special skills, he can juggle! (laughter) (applause) we'll be right back. thank you so much! (door bell rings) trick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! fifteen percent or more fifon car insurance.d save you everybody knows that.
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hit the jackpot. the bold new camry. one bold choice leads to another. toyota. let's go places. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. folks, there are so many important stories out there right now -- i.s.i.s., ukraine, ebola. tonight we explore the most critical story of all -- me. back in 2005 when i started "the colbert report," it was for an initial eight-week tryout. in other words, 32 episodes. and as of tonight, there are only 32 episodes of the "the colbert report" left. (audience awww's) don't worry, nation. even though my show will be off the air, i'll still be here... provided your heart has a d.v.r. (laughter)
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there's just nothing left for me to accomplish. i promised i would change the world, and i did -- after all, in 2005 you didn't have iggy azelia, snapchat or americone dream ice cream. (cheers and applause) i freed you from the tyranny of having to fudge-coat your own chunks of wafflecone. that saves you time. time you can spend with your family. mm-mmm! even the lid tastes good. (laughter) by the way, i may be leaving, but the ice cream is going to stay. yet another way you can keep me in here. 'cuz this is gonna gum up your aorta. (laughter) and i guarantee that each of the remaining episodes will become instant classics, treasured by generations for their deep, poetic thoughts, heavy-handed symbolism, and massive
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foreshadowing. isn't that right, grimmy? (laughter) (audience reacts) hmm... what could that mean? (laughter) you're by the fire, you're pointing at an hourglass -- stitch in time saves nine! (laughter) you like my painting, and you have an itchy neck. (laughter) skull and crossbones... they're making "pirates of the caribbean 32!"
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(applause) of course, the biggest question of all remains, how will my final broadcast close? will i wake up next to suzanne pleshette in a snow globe after rachel gets off the plane to be with me while b.j. honeycutt writes out goodbye in rocks, until we cut to black in the middle of a journey song? (cheers and applause) or will i just get sued for copyright infringement? tune in to find out! but rest assured, nation, up until the very end, i will maintain my journalistic standards by bringing you my take on the stories that matter to you. so let's go straight to the breaking news out of south korea. a chihuahua is reading a magazine while getting a neck massage! (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: well come back, everybody! and my guest tonight has a new book called "the innovators" about the history of the computer. in the early days, you had to watch pornography on punch cards. please well come walter isaacson!
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(cheers and applause) thank you very much! walter, thanks for coming back! no need to get up. you're one of my more impressive guests -- and i've had presidents and popes on here. you're the c.e.o. of the aspen institute, which means you're a bonzillan, former chairman of cnn, former editor of "time magazine," written about steve jobs, and you have a book called "the innovators," how a group of hackers, geniuses and geeks created the digital revolution. how do you differentiate between hackers and geniuses and geeks? >> a hacker has a whole lot of fun. we sort of misuse the word hacker today. >> stephen: they're dangerous people, like cyberterrorists, aren't they? >> no, they know how to do
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pranks and short cuts on theaters. i'm trying to resurrect the identity of hackers. and a genius, you know what a genius is. >> stephen: the guy who shaves me every morning. >> and geeks. >> stephen: dweebs? yeah. >> stephen: okay, so now steve jobs is on the cover. let's see who's on here. steve jobs is on the cover, then bill gates, alan touring down there? and then you've got like a naked lady up there. is that cheryl sandberg? >> cheryl sandberg's patron saint. >> stephen: ada lovelace. yes! >> stephen: we're a huge fan. who is she and why do i love her? >> she was lord byron's daughter but her mom didn't want her to
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become a romantic poet, if you knew lord byron you'd understood. but she felt that -- no, no, no... (laughter) but she felt that her mother wanted her to be a great mathematician, had her tutored mainly in math and she combined poetry -- >> stephen: was that not done back then? >> not often, but that's a shame, because ada lovelace was a pioneering mathematician and she has a friend charles babbot making a calculating machine and ada sees the punch card doing the mechanical looms and beautiful tapestry and she thought the machine could do numbers and words and music and art and comes up with the concept of the general computer, which is very cool. >> stephen: how much of this book is just something that wouldn't fit into steve jobs
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autobiography? you say damn it, i'm going to take a vacation and bind it up and call it something else. >> it's all the things that led up to him but all the things that came out. >> stephen: what do you mean? steve jobs, he's one of the great innovators. >> he is absolutely a great innovator. one of the things i found interesting about steve is we think of imas sort of great singular romantic hero. >> stephen: him in the garage. him in the garage. but actually, he's good at forming teams. even though he's a pretty voong, tough leader, he builds loyal teams around him and one of the themes of the book is it's not just the lone inventer sitting in the garage having a light bulb moment, it's people that can actually execute. vision without execution is just hallucination. steve israble to sit there in his garage with wozniak and others and form the coolest team. >> stephen: so the greatest innovations are coming about with people working together. >> collaboration and teamwork.
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>> stephen: how come there's only one name on this, walter isaacson, okay? (applause) >> i will tell a story which is, when i was doing this, i was thinking about collaboration, which is why the internet was invented, so i took chapters of this book and put them on various type of wiki sites online where people could put many of their stories so many of the stories in the book came from an internet collaboration, the people like dan burkeland who did visical said here's how we did it, so i put that in the book, but i got to put my maim on it (laughter) no, at some point we'll have to make it collaborative, but there are great lone geniuses and visionaries, not me, but i wrote about einstein. >> stephen: between deets and jobs because they're the two towering figures of our modern
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technological age, who is actually the nice guy? or are they both? >> they're both geniuses in their own way. steve jobs is very intuitive, had a sense of beauty, had an intuitive feel to make jobs gorgeous. bill gates is a great businessman and built a great corporation and is a col softwae decoder. jobs was never real aa software engineer. >> stephen: i heard they stole ideas from 50e67 other, though. who was the bigger pirate? >> steve jobs put a pirate flag on top of the original mcintosh building an and said good artiss barrow, great artists steal. everyone takes ideas from each other. steve jobs took them from i.b.m.
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and gates took them from mcintosh. >> stephen: and i hear a lot of his book was written on wikipedia. >> that's the greatest thing about copy and paste! >> stephen: walter isaacson, "the innovators"! we'll be right back! ex go ahead and put your bag right here. have a nice flight! traveling can feel like one big mystery. you're never quite sure what is coming your way. but when you've got an entire company who knows that the most on-time flights are nothing if we can't get your things there too.
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it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. what does an apron have to do with car insurance? every time you tie on an apron, you make progress. and we like that. because progress is what we make, too.
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first of all, they're light and fluffy, topped with pumpkin whipped cream and cinnamon sugar and only $4.99. second of all, they're light and fluffy, topped with pumpkin whipped cream and cinnamon sugar and only $4.99. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! ina bite size new ways. to enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. new, york minis, get the sensation. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ (cheers and applause) [♪] i booked a sketch artist, an improv troupe, and a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling. a laser? this isn't gonna be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair. you've been quite the helper, annie. oh, std fair, guys. catch knowledge. mm-mm. you think you're better than me? no. you stick to quoting movie lines, i'll stick to sports. trying to reduce my pop cultural referencing. well, you're not moving into sports. you and i are playing real basketball, right now.