( gulping loudly ) kid, tell the donbot i'm quitting organized crime. from now on, i'll stick to the regular kind. ( humming ) uh, it's funny, bender. with you sick and leela blind only i know what really went on up there. maybe someday i'll tell you the whole story. and maybe someday, i won't listen. ( gulping ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen!

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! good to have you with us! good to have you! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night, i found the shofar to herald the arrival of rosh hashanah, the jewish new year, may 5775 be a year of happiness. (laughter) i still got it. (laughter)

nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. nice thing about a dead ram horn, it only-- it only gets dead ramier. and folks, i'm already enjoying the traditional rosh hashanah treat known among the jewish people and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctly, apples and chhoney. it expresses our hope for a sweet new year. and rosh hashanah-- rosh hashanah is just the beginning of the jewish high holiday fun. from now until yom kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as the days of repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuster, transformers 5: days of repentance. (applause) >> stephen: the plot centers on optimus prime's bar mitzvah and his most difficult transformation yet

from boy into a manment and at the end he turns into a pen and pencil set. traditionally this is a time to apologize to all those you have wronged. now i do not follow this tradition because i am not jewish and i have never been wrong. (laughter) >> stephen: but for the past nine years, ladies and gentlemen, i have given any of the chosen people who have wronged me a chance to seek my forgiveness by calling the atone-phone. (applause) the atone-phone at 1-888-667-7539 that is 1-888-oops-jew. (laughter) of course, of course, folks, maintaining one triple 8 oops-jew does not come cheap that is one more thing for to you feel guilty about. that is why every year we defray some of the costs by sharing our line with other businesses that happen to have names that can be spelled using the name

telephone number. for instance, this year, when you call please press 2 if you want at tone-phone. if you press 1, you will be connected to 1-888-mors-kids a club for young telegraph enthusiasts f you press 3, you reach 1-888-mor-pkx, a legal hotline dedicate odd to the ever increasing list of ex-wives of my dear friend pk winstrom. jim? >> absolutely. you've reach, 1-8889-mors-pkx where we say it's not about the kid, it's about the money. if this is brenda, press 1. if this is vanessa press 2. if this is other brenda, press 3. if this is janine, shh, i haven't told the others about you yet. >> stephen: finally, folks, if you press 4, will you get onpr lady, a sex chat line featuring fresh air's terry gross.

jimmy? (applause) jimmy, give them a taste. >> hello, you're on with onpr lady. this is terry. >> oh what are you wearing? >> what am i wearing? >> a seamingly straightforward question. yet perhaps no outward signifier of identity is more powerful than what one wears. though it is considered a virtue to say that appearances don't matter, often i professed indifference say kind of costume but to answer your question, jeans and a cardigan, big boy. >> oh, yeah. (applause) >> stephen: i think i need a little fresh air. so folks, remember if 1-888-oops-jew, press 2 to get at tone-phone. operate certificate standing by. 11, 27, 49, far too often

these are the winning numbers of our lottery tickets. but now insiders in the industry are saying even numbers may be making a comeback. (laughter) at tone-phone. we've got our first caller. shalom, how have you wronged me? >> hi, stephen, it's endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy. >> stephen: endie folk rock legend jeff tweedy, jeff this is something of a surprise. i didn't know you were jewish. >> well, that's just it, stephen, i converted last year. >> stephen: oh, okay, and you are racked with guilt because you betrayed both jesus and me? >> no, i feel bad because hi a bar mitzvah and i didn't invite you. >> stephen: oh-- that's okay, jeff. i just hope you and your real friends had fun. i was probably busy that night anyway.

>> i'm so sorry, stephen. >> stephen: don't worry about it, mazel tov on your bar missia and double stuff maz el on being forgiven by me. >> thanks, stephen. why don't you join us some friday for shbbat dinner. >> next week is yom kippur, we're fasting. >> stephen: oh, great, you can watch me eat. bye. (applause) folks, as a patriot i have always believed that during a time of war we must all put aside our political differences, come together and rally around our commander in chief. but sometimes a president acts so recklessly that men of good conscience stand and say no more. jim? >> outrage this morning over president's salute with a coffee cup in his hand, some saying it is a latte salute. when he arrived yesterday on air force one in lower manhattan watch the instagram images from the white house. yup, that's the president. saluting with what looks like a styrofoam cup either with coffee or tea or

whatever it is, nonetheless, he didn't switch hands. and people are fired up about this. >> stephen: oh, i am more than fired up about this. (applause) warning, warning, contents are hot. (laughter) >> stephen: and before the ugly accusations start flying from the liberals this has nothing to do with the fact that the coffee was black. i am sick-- i am sick and tired-- (applause) >> stephen: mi sick and tired of the race hustlers out there playing the starbucks gift card. because obama wasn't even drinking coffee. >> the idea that i'm going to just sort of jaunt out there with my chai tea and give them the old, you know f not a latte salute t is a chai salute because he drinks chai tea. >> stephen: thank you, carl, thank you for that. chai tea. (applause)

i bet that tea had a spriing of arugala in there and was certified halal by an undocumented gay muslim barista. and to anyone who say os bama's coffee salute was an awkward accident rather than the manifestation of a twisted mind hell-bent on disrespecting our armed forces, prepare to be educated. >> look, obviously i don't think he said let me put the coffee in this hand and salute a marine. i think he was buttoning his jacket with one hand, he had a coffee and he just, obviously he wants to have iting ba. i don't think he intentionally did that, do you? >> i think when are you not intending to do something, you could be intending to do something. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: now, does that sound idiotic? yes. because she didn't intend it to. (laughter)

9 point is, not gretchen here was outraged. so she had no choice but to strike back with the most powerful puns in her arsenal. >> have you seen this, president saluting with a coffee cup in his hand, was it a latte disrespect or a latte do about nothing. send us your hashtag e-mails now. >> stephen: oh, i will send you my hashtag e-mails now. miss log on-- hold on-- give me a second here. power that thing up. let me just lock on to hashtag e-mails.com. dear steve doocy, not gretchen, and brown haired guy who is not steve doocy. i believe the president's salute was a latte disrespect, it was un-americano, this is a mocka-ry of our military, that should have us flying our flags as half-caf.

no sanka, you, sir, not in my maxwell house. it makes me very unflappy to see. we got to put that dopio on an espresso chain to cappu-china before it's too cafe awe late. thank you for letting me venti my anger, and hashtag e-mail. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. hey oh, one bloody mary, served at a perfect 98.6 degrees. some drinks are hardly refreshing. [glass shattering] nah dog, i'm good. this party's dead, i love it. new redd's wicked apple refreshingly hard (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm!

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has been making americans laugh for five decades and he does an amazing bill cosby impression. please welcome bill cosby. (cheers and applause) mr. cosby, thank you so much. pleasure to be here. thank you so much. really, i-- thank you so much for being here tonight, sir. >> yes. >> stephen: not all of our guests look this nice. not everyone has an insignia on their pocket. i really appreciate you putting some effort in. >> betsy ross asked me if she wanted to-- if she could, do a flag. i aid no. -- i said no. >> stephen: you turned down betsy ross. >> yes. >> stephen: so who did the

flag? >> betsy ross did the flag. >> stephen: right. >> because george washington heard that i turned her down. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, okay. >> so-- . >> stephen: he pulled strings. >> she sewed strings. (laughter) >> stephen: potato, potato sir. >> no, not the same. tomato. tomato, tomato, parade. (laughter) >> stephen: are you going to be-- are you going to be in town for the tomato parade? >> yes, sir, pomona. give me these. (laughter) (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: now, sir -- >> i want to tell you something. >> stephen: i want to hear it. >> it's frightening. >> stephen: yes, what's frightening. >> it's frightening sitting here. >> stephen: why is it frightening, i am so happy you are here, i have been a lifelong fan of yours. >> happy for you. frightening for me. >> stephen: no need to be frightened. >> they brought me out here. >> stephen: yeah. >> and set me in the dark. and then you turned on some music-- ♪ ♪ ♪ and-- (laughter) >> stephen: that's exactly what we did. that's true. exactly what we did. >> ♪ ♪ ♪ and i said oh boy, this is going to be like the funhouse. (laughter) >> where, did you ever go to the amusement park and they

go in what they call the fun house? >> stephen: yeah, it's not fun at all, it's kind of scary. >> it is kind of scary? >> stephen: kind of scary. >> they have, somebody thought it was funny, and you walk in, in the dark, see first of all, anybody that does that, there's something wrong with you. >> stephen: who makes it or goes. >> makes it. the person who makes it, something is wrong with them. they don't like little children. because they had these things, i don't know, and there was rubber stuff. and nobody told you. and the first thing you do, you walk in and you just a kid, man. you trust old people. and they lead you, mr. colbert, they lead me through this thing and things would all around, doing like that around my ankle. and-- . >> stephen: did they ever put out the bowl of grapes

and say feel this, these are eyeballs or the bowl of spaghetti like these are human gut, did they do that kind of stuff? >> well, let me explain something to you. (laughter) >> i was born to two people who had no money. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i ate anything. >> stephen: so would you have eaten the eyeballs. >> anybody's balls. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: in some countries, it's a delicacy, a delicacy. >> yes. an when you're poor, it can be a delicacy. as long as you give me a piece of bread, i can make it. >> stephen: so two balls on one piece of bread, that's an open face ball sandwich. (laughter) you are a legend. >> no, no, don't change the subject. >> stephen: i'm not changing the subject. i'm not, i promise you, i'm not. i would never.

>> i swear to god. let go. listen-- (laughter) >> what i want you to know is that you are carrying-- you're carrying me too fast. >> stephen: let's slow down. >> you have to go somewhere. >> stephen: very slow. >> yeah, please, because we got to those ball sandwiches and i was enjoying that. >> stephen: let's linger. >> and then did you something to the ball sandwiches and i didn't want any more. (laughter) >> didn't want any more. >> stephen: i think they're enjoying themselves. i think they're coming along for the ride. >> i don't want it where they turn on you. (laughter) >> stephen: no, no, are you okay? you guys okay? (cheers and applause) hold on one secretary, we're

going do a little commercial. >> a little one? >> stephen: any one, it will be so small. >> see, that's the one words that grown-ups use, i remember they always lie. (laughter) >> stephen: they do. grown-ups lie to children. >> this is going to be a little one. >> stephen: this house you're going go into, it's going to be fun. >> keep the lights on. >> stephen: we'll keep the lights on. lights on. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, we're honored to be here tonight with dr. william cosby. dr. cosby. >> yes. >> stephen: dr. cosby, thank you so much for being here tonight. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: what a pleasure. >> thank you. >> stephen: now i will-- by am going to say something controversial. i think you're great. you're a comedy legend. you've got emmies, you've got grammys, you've got books. everybody loves bill cosby. you are-- there is something called the colbert bump. the colbert bump is once you've been on my show things gets big for you. will you walk down the street tomorrow, people are going to go that's bill cosby, i saw him on colbert. but there's also something called-- there's something called the cosby effect. you bring people together of disparate backgrounds to enjoy your work. principles, like nelson mandela, when he was in jail, he and his jailers both watched the cosby show. in the '80s it helped with the reconciliation there. why isn't morgan froman playing you in a movie?

(applause) >> well, out of respect morgan and i worked together on the electric company. >> stephen: i remember, i remember. >> so-- i think out of respect morgan is waiting for me to die. >> stephen: you see. >> stephen: did he ever call you up and say, how are you feeling? >>. >> not only that, but he's asked how sydney is doing, pottier. >> stephen: harry bell a fonte. >> everybody, he wants to know how they're all doing. and he's not a happy man. not a happy man. well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that i died. >> stephen: how does that

feel, how does that feel to hear? >> well, no, no, morgan calls. >> . >> stephen: i see. >> and i have a machine upon my desk, if you call, it sounds like i'm answering. so it will go to the fourth ring, hey, what's happening? and then you'll say hello? >> stop saying hello, what's going on, man. so then that fools a lot of people. and i think that morgan is going to be all right. >> stephen: i agree, i agree. mr. cosby, i can't thank you enough for being here. >> yes, you can. >> stephen: i can? i can? tell me when i get there. >> okay. >> stephen: all right, let me try, let me try to thank you and see if i get there. >> see, you are wearing it out. >> stephen: oh i want to you remember wrefer you go. >> stephen: yes.

>> whatever job you have. >> stephen: yes. >> you have a desk and a mic, and two chairs. call me. (applause) >> stephen: bill cosby. (applause) we'll be right back. welcome to cricket wireless. where what we say is what you pay. like 5 lines for 100 bucks a month. that's taxes and fees included. switch now and get 5 for 100. all in. cricket. something to smile about. fifteen percent or more fifon car insurance.d save you everybody knows that. well, did you know certain cartoon characters should never have an energy drink?

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>> stephen: well, that's it for the report, everybody. folks, before i go, i want to remind you that in-- if you enjoyed my interview with bill cosby tonight, get in line. and to learn more about mr. cosby, go to your local library and check out cosby, his life and times by mark whitacre. an when they tell you they don't have it yet, go out and buy it, you cheap skate. good night. (cheers and applause)

>> announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ applause ] >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. glad to be back. excited to be back. my guest, former secretary of defense, leon panetta a new book called ready to fight. with iesz isis. that's them. terrorist army rampaging across the middle east. an organization so vile, just thinking about it is enough to make you vomit non-stop for hours on end. sitting on the toilet drenched in sweat. i had a bad day yesterday. [ laughter ]