(laughter) dunkin' donuts says their croissant doughnut is not a cronut. but they're sticking to their wild claim that it's breakfast. (laughter) this is "the colbert report"! ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert report"! good to have you with us! (cheers and applause)

thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! well tom twell -- welcome to "t" for now. okay. thank you. it's day 29 of america's ebola crisis. jesus! okay. please. (laughter) jimmy? thank you. all right. (laughter) this thing is going to kill us all. of course, i have been tracking the virus on my sexy c.d.c. technician calendar. i would not mind catching whatever he's got.

i am not -- i am not -- i am not something. i'm sure i'll get to it in a minute. (laughter) now i'm not one of these fear-mongerers who will tell you that everybody is going to die. just 90% of you. (laughter) the other 10% will live in a post-apocalyptic afterscape ruled by gangs of psychopathic biker chicks who serve the spice lord targoth. (laughter) because the ebola crisis just hit america where we live. if by "we" you mean "i." >> ebola has come to new york! in america's largest city. >> confirmed ebola in the heart of new york city. >> stephen: ebola has come to new york! and if they can spread it here, they'll spread it everywhere! (laughter) (singing) >> i don't know all the words to that song. i'll admit it. before, i wasn't really worried because ebola was only in faraway places i'll never go, like liberia and dallas. (laughter)

but now, the (bleep) has hit the fan. which is the number-one way to spread ebola! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: i've just got to calm down! i'll just close my eyes and go to my happy place. argh! why did i make my happy place liberia?! now, the patient who's keeping the city that never sleeps awake at night is a doctor who just returned from treating ebola patients in guinea. he knew he was at risk, so upon returning from africa, he stayed home from work. which kept him away from his co-workers... and gave him plenty of time to explore this magnificent city! >> officials are now tracing his fairly extensive movements in the hours before his diagnosis. >> spencer stopped here in the green witch village at the meatball shop. >> he visited the high line, a very popular tourist destination here. >> wednesday, he goes on a three-mile run. >> stephen: a three-mile run? he works out more than i do without ebola.

(laughter) and that was just the beginning. >> we just found out he road public transportation. >> he road two, maybe three different subways. >> stephen: great! ebola spreads by touching blood or feces -- those are your only two seating options on the subway! (laughter) thankfully, this won't happen again because, on friday, new jersey governor chris christie and new york governor -- uh, one of the cuomos -- harpo? (laughter) -- announced both states would enforce a mandatory 21-day quarantine for anyone who has come into contact with ebola patients, even if they have no symptoms -- which, i hear, is the first symptom. (laughter) leading to the immediate quarantine of a nurse returning from ebola-stricken sierra leone, kaci hickox, who, after landing at newark airport, underwent hours of

interrogation, and when a forehead scanner recorded her temperature as 101 degrees, authorities left her in the room for another three hours. still, better than flying into la guardia. (laughter) (applause) she was then taken to university hospital in newark and placed in a luxurious tent structure outside with a portapotty, no shower and no connection to the outside world except her iphone. big deal. throw in a space heater, a sixer of labatts, and you're basically ice fishing. (laughter) unfortunately, she used her iphone to gripe to the media about the forcible imprisonment. >> i have been asymptomatic since i have been here. i completely don't understand it. it's not based on any clear public health evidence. and it's not the recommendation of public health and medical experts at this point.

this is an extreme that is really unacceptable, and i feel like my basic human rights have been violated. >> stephen: human rights? i'm sorry, ma'am, but the constitution does not say you have a right to endanger your neighbors. unless it's with a gun. (laughter) (applause) a lot of gun fans here tonight. (laughter) faced with this outbreak of bad p.r., governor -- oh, what's-his-cuomo -- backed down, changing new york's rule to just three weeks without leaving the house -- or as most people call it, "waiting for time-warner cable." (laughter) and now, new jersey is letting hickox go home. even christie has folded like a hastily-erected ebola tent. (laughter) but he knows, ultimately, everyone will see he did the right thing.

>> i know she didn't want to be there. but the fact is i have a much greater, bigger responsibility to the people of the public, so i think, when she has time to reflect, she'll understand that, as well. >> stephen: yes, she'll understand when she has more time to reflect than four days alone in a plastic tent. we've got to do something, folks! because it's almost impossible to protect ourselves yen more. >> i want to show you how i'm going to take this protective equipment off. i'm also going to put a little chocolate sauce in my hand, which could represent a possible ebola contamination. take a look. put the mask back on. so here would be the most likely contaminated area, my gloves, maybe the front of my gown, a bit like this. now i got to treat this as if i'm potentially contaminated. so now take a look. right there, see a little bit of chocolate sauce. one possible exposure. and over here on my neck, one possible exposure. >> stephen: that's terrifying.

the only thing that can stop ebola is wetnaps! (laughter) gupta clearly blew the protocols. so nation, once again, it falls to me to properly demonstrate how to isolate this virus. i'll use this bowl of vanilla ice cream to represent a sterile sealed hospital room. now, someone with ebola comes in, they got their bodily fluids. all right, all over the sterile room. obviously, blood is one of the ways it is transmitted. then, this is their saliva. it's a little frothy. they might have rabies as well. (laughter) these represent their sneeze particles, okay? right there. (laughter) and one of the symptoms of ebola is bleeding from the eyeballs, so... there you go.

(laughter) so now you've got all these dangerous contaminants together. but you can stay safe, as long as you avoid all contact. (laughter) though, i gotta say, that looks pretty good. it probably wouldn't hurt to have a little ebola. mm-mm-mm, mm-mmm... (laughter) you know what? it's my ebola cheat day. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪

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here's the situation... a contaminated energy drink has turned everyone into mutants. ( roars ) can you save sunset city? of course you can. it's a ( bleep ) video game. rated "m" for "mature." only on... (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.

thank you very much! nation, when it comes to defending america, there is nobody i trust more than texas congressman and confused piece of gnocchi, louie gohmert. because he's brave enough to say the things that no one has the slightest desire to say. >> thank you, president barack hussein obama. he has helped jump start a new ottoman empire. we are going to borrow more money from the chinese to possibly give them money back to create habitats for wild dogs and cats that are rare. there's no assurance that if we did that, we wouldn't end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan. (laughter) >> stephen: this good man is always worried about food safety, ever since he drank that paint thinner.

it's only two letters off from paint dinner. and recently, louie made words again. this time, to explain once and for all the dangers of gays in the military. >> i've had people say, hey, you know, there's nothing wrong with gays in the military. look at the greeks. well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. but you know what, it's a different kind of fighting. it's a different kind of war. and if you're sitting around getting massages all day, ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you're not going to last very long. it's guerilla fighting. you are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and, if that's what you start doing in the military like the greeks did... as people have said, louie, you have got to understand, you don't even know your history. oh, yes, i do.

i know exactly. it's not a good idea. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, gohmert knows his history. or he may have just been watching the gay version of the film 300. (laughter) by which i mean the one released in theaters. (laughter) >> the gre and the greeks were the gayest army in history. it's why they were always traipsing off for fabulous mediterranean wars. and why they fought packed together in a phalanx, aka the man-on-man massage cube. (laughter) but like gohmert said, that was fine for ancient greece, back when battles had a set time and date. it was easy -- you'd get a rub-down, then run out to a peloponnesian field for your 2:00 p.m. face-spearing. (laughter) but that doesn't work in today's america's military. gay massages have no place in our never-ending guerilla war. i.s.i.s. isn't gonna postpone its ambush so you can finish listening to your favorite peruvian pan flute cd. (laughter) and we are in grave danger,

because the homosexual seaweed-wrap lifestyle has spread throughout the military. look at the air force. why do you even need a back seat? the co-pilot's just back there for the neck rubs! (laughter) no wonder tom cruise was so tense after goose died. and why do you think they called him goose? (laughter) (applause) we miss you anthony edwards! soy stand with louie when he says this -- >> as people said, louie, you don't understand, you don't even know your history. i said, oh, yes, i do. it's not a good idea. >> stephen: i'm with you, sir. people have said to me, stephen, you have gotta understand, you don't even know your history. you're dumb, dense, a mental midget with the i.q. of a butter dish whose mind is a black hole that sucks all surrounding thought into an infinite

singularity of pure stupidity. i'm surprised you can even dress yourself. i bet you have to rub peanut butter inside your lips to remember to open your mouth and breathe. i've never met, and hope to never meet again, a man so pervasively, astoundingly, unyieldingly ignorant. to which i say, well, you haven't met louie gohmert. (laughter) we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ hershey's spreads. bring the delicious taste of hershey's chocolate to anything - everything. with hershey's spreads, the possibilities are delicious. guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself.

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everybody! my guest tonight is a beloved television host who has won 14 emmys. and no, it's not me from the future. please welcome meredith viera! (cheers and applause) hey, meredith! good to see you! >> good to see you. >> stephen: nice to have you on! >> oh, my gosh! they love you! >> stephen: they love that you are with me! ms. vieira, 14-time emmy-award winning journalist! (applause) >> whatever! >> stephen: you were one of the original hosts of "the view," co-anchored the "today show," also hosted "who wants to be a millionaire" for eleven seasons and have a new daytime show called the meredith viera show. go figure! doesn't it feel good to have a show with your name plastered on

it? >> it is terrifying. >> stephen: what's wrong with that? >> it's my name. they said, you have to be meredith viera. don't you feel that? >> stephen: feel great? the weight of the name on your show. how large is your staff? >> stephen: about $1,500. o you're responsible for their livelihood. >> stephen: i am. i am a river unto my people. (laughter) they're on your magic carpet ride? >> yeah, but you don't know where it's headed. >> cont land at la guardia. no. >> stephen: a nigh nightmare. have you been scared of ola, by the way. >> stephen: terrified. do you have ebola? >> interesting enough, i had an interview with the doctor who is under voluntary quarantine but he sneezed and shook my hand and i was too polite to not shake it, then i was terrified.

>> stephen: you're too polite to not possibly die. >> right. >> stephen: of hemorrhagic fever. kiss me, darling! kiss me! >> okay, so -- he's fine, which th by the way. >> stephen: i'll see ya around. (laughter) now, here's the thing i like about you, you're very likable and relatable -- >> awww! >> stephen: now, do i like -- you? (laughter) am i relating to you or is this just the meredith viera we see on tv? in realty, are you a likable, relatable person, or right now am i also getting the tv meredith viera because we are, in fact, on tv? >> no, no. i am who i am. >> stephen: really? yes, really. unlike -- >> stephen: unlike other people you know? (laughter) i'm me, baby! this is me! you can cut me open and count the rings of stephen colbert! >> oh, my gosh!

>> stephen: the only reason i ask is because you have been known to blurt things out. >> yes. >> stephen: very honestly like on the view. >> like what did i say. >> stephen: you said -- like what? >> stephen: you said, i don't wear underwear. >> right. >> stephen: i said, why is why they call it "the view"... (laughter) what possessed you to do that? >> because it's a daytime show and you're supposed to be authentic and i just felt, why not? why not share that with america? >> stephen: and later did anyone describe to you why not? perhaps your family? perhaps your children? >> i don't think my children saw that particular show. >> stephen: they don't watch this, i hope. >> my kids are big fans, actually. >> stephen: you might want to point that out, then. >> do you wear underwear? >> stephen: oh, no. well, okay, then!

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: underwear have not been woven that could cover my balls. (laughter) the only honesty you have on your new set, on the meredith viera show, is that it's furniture that's not in great shape. >> right. >> stephen: why wouldn't you want everything to be as pretty as possible? >> because it's my real furniture, one of the chairs, and it's torn to shreds by my cat. i wanted people to see this is the way we live. a lot of people live that way. i thought the chair would be authentic. >> stephen: it is. you have to replace that chair at home and that's a tax deduction now (laughter) expect and audit any minute. is your set like your living

room at home? >> well, it's sort of like it. >> stephen: because this is like my living room. >> i bet it is. >> stephen: this is my shoe polisher. >> is that your emmy? >> stephen: yes. well, you have 14. >> i do. >> stephen: i have 10. you have 10? >> stephen: yeah. wow! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sometimes i put them in a pit and make them fight my peabodys. how many peabodys do you have? >> i don't have any. how many do you have? >> stephen: 4. i have no grammys. how many do you have? >> you do have grammys. >> stephen: and i am wearing underwear. i have two grammys.

>> do you have these? >> stephen: no, i don't. i think you win. the mu "meredith viera show." check your local listings! check your local listings! we ♪ ♪ (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! here's the situation... a contaminated energy drink has turned everyone into mutants. ( roars ) can you save sunset city? of course you can.

it's a ( bleep ) video game. rated "m" for "mature." only on...

there it is... this is where i met your grandpa. right under this tree.

♪ (man) some things are worth holding onto. they're hugging the tree. (man) that's why we got a subaru. or was it that tree? (man) introducing the all-new subaru outback. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org narrator: halloween: a time of vampires, hobgoblins, draculas, boogens and headless mice. i'm george takei. you know what? let's just get to it. [abba's "waterloo" playing over speakers]

how is it? pretty good taco meat. i wonder how the dean scored this sweet spread. ah-ah-ah. chef gaga never reveals her caterer. and don't try reading my pa- pa- pa- poker face. it's military rations from an army surplus store. i didn't read your poker face, you left the containers in the garbage. oh, well, um, you guys have fun. i'm gonna go take out the garbage. you may also want to adjust your itunes setting. when it's not playing an endless loop of abba's greatest hits, it's playing what may be your personal voice memos. what? pelton: note to self: get oil changed. check netflix for that movie where greg kinnear plays a ghost. no, an angel. and something called human centi-- [abba's "waterloo" playing over speakers] david beckham. dragon turtle? t-rex. man, i wonder how much effort you put into being accidentally handsome