♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (laughter) (audience chanting "stephen") hey! welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. lovely to have you here! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much! thanks so much. i've got to tell ya, ladies and gentlemen, it's on these crisp,

fall days that it's good to warm yourself. warm yourself by a roaring audience. (cheers and applause) folks, thanks so much for being here. folks, you're here on a very special night because, tonight, we're bringing you our live election show... announcement that we'll be doing it tomorrow. (laughter) this is pre-taped which is why i can safely say, i'm going to be so (bleep) tired on wednesday. (laughter) again, join us tomorrow for our live election special. that will be at whatever time the show is normally on, and then one hour earlier in other places where farmers live. (laughter) and it will be a big night 'cuz, at this point, the candidates have said all that can be said and walked back all they can regret having said. (laughter) after months campaigning and a record $4 billion spent, candidates now face their greatest challenge: getting

americans to put on pants. (laughter) because it's all about turnout. that looks comfortable. that looks good. (cheers and applause) yeah! yeah, i know that feelin'. we know in the election game it's all about turnout. in the past, they've tried just about everything to get out the vote -- tv ads, phone banks, pamphletting, busing people to the polls, robo-calls, even "cat"-calls. >> hey, mami, do you know where your polling place is? because i can think of a good place for my pole. vote scott walker, this tuesday. >> stephen: very effective. very effective. (laughter) (applause) the problem with all those

methods is that they rely on something few voters still have -- a crap to give. (laughter) which is why i'm so excited about a brand-new get-out-the-vote tactic. >> vote or else! some voters are being shamed into casting their votes. they received a letter telling them whether 11 of their friends and acquaintances had voted in the last three elections. >> a political group is trying to shame people into voting. >> some consider it a way the shame people to the polls. >> a flyer of shame! stephen: yes, a flyer of shame! and this time it's not someone stuck in coach on united. all across the country, voters are getting flyers like this one in missouri, a so-called "voter report card" assigning letter grades for their and their neighbor's voting attendance, by name. looky here, the guy on the bottom voted only 60% of the time -- he got a "d." better get those grades up, mister, or you will never get into electoral college! this is the best part --

after the election, they say they're going to be printing up new flyers telling everyone in the neighborhood who voted and who didn't. so, please, bow to this emotional blackmail and vote tomorrow. (cheers and applause) it's your sacred duty -- if you agree with my politics. (laughter) if you don't i hear they've got ebola in there -- i wouldn't go. (laughter) nation, people often ask me if i ever get tired of being right. and i say to them, "does stephen hawking ever get tired of being the president of england?" this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheering) first up, folks, i've never liked the swiss. their cheese is a complete rip-off, but now they've reached a new low. because lately, some customers ordering coffee at swiss cafes

have all been served creamer pots with portraits of adolph hitler on them. (audience reacts) folks, i like my coffee how i like my women -- without hitler. (laughter) apparently, in switzerland, labels from the mini-cream containers are cult collectibles, and the hitler labels were accidentally printed as part of a series of coffee cream containers based on vintage cigar labels. which means, at one time, someone made hitler cigars. evidently for the cigar smoker who wanted to be hated just that little bit extra. (laughter) so i'm giving a wag of the finger to nazi dairy products. (applause) folks, the people who got these

creamers are right to be fuehrer-ious. (laughter) as one man put it, "this is just absolutely evil and outrageous." i agree! it's so nice to see the swiss finally have an opinion on hitler. (laughter) a spokesman for the makers of creamers apologized, saying, "i can't tell you how these labels got past our controls." how hard is it to spot hitler on your product? this is the worst dictator-related manufacturing snafu since ben and jerry's released "idi a-mint chip." (laughter) next up, folks, i am not just the host of this show, i am also

head of my own corporation. and as a corporation kingpin, i filed a quarterly report of rage when i heard this. >> one of the world's most powerful c.e.o.s as publicly come out of the closet. apple's tim cook is the first fortune 500 c.e.o. to come out publicly as gay. >> stephen: yes, apple c.e.o. tim cook has come out as gay. which means two years from now microsoft's c.e.o. will also come out as gay. (laughter) so i am giving a wag of the finger to tim cook. (applause) as a corporate titan, he should follow tradition and hide his sexuality in the caymans. (laughter) he can visit on holidays! worse, he feels no remorse about his decision to be born gay. quote, "i'm proud to be gay, and i consider being gay among the greatest gifts god has given me." of course, god gave him that gift because he knew cook already had an ipad.

(laughter) well, folks, if the c.e.o. of apple is going to stand up there and dramatically unveil his gayness, i only have one thing to say... being gay looks so sleek and cool! (laughter) i bet it's loaded with great features like an ultra-thin profile! so if you're watching, tim cook, gay, please! wait. you know what? i'll wait. in six months, they're just gonna come out with a gayer version. (applause) and finally, there's a new medical study out of the university of montreal -- i believe i'm pronouncing that

correctly -- and surprisingly, it wasn't linking poutine to early-on set everything. jim? >> frequent sex with many partners might reduce a man's risks of developing prostate cancer. that according to a new study. researchers from the university of montreal studied over 3,200 men and found men who have slept with 20 or more women have a 28% lower risk of being diagnosed. >> stephen: that's right, multiple partners reduce men's cancer risk. it turns out, the bachelor has been an 9-year p.s.a. for prostate health. (laughter) research found that frequent humping, or as they call it in montreal "the canadian mountie," is beneficial. because it reduces carcinogenic crystal-like substances in the fluid of the prostate due to a higher frequency of ejaculations. so remember, fellas, you want to orgasm at a higher frequency. ahhh! god.

(cheers and applause) so clearly, to maintain their health, men need many willing sexual partners, or some sort of substitute for prostate health, a prostate-tute. (laughter) which is why i'm giving a wag of the finger to these researchers who refuse to write us men a prescription for man-whoring. because, when asked if this meant public health, authorities should recommend men sleep with many women -- researchers said "we're not there yet." well, i believe i speak on behalf of all men when i say -- how about now? are you there now? (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. ♪

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♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. >> stephen: welcome back. (cheers and applause) thanks so much! nation, we're in the golden age of television shows about cake. you've got ace of cakes, amazing wedding cakes, fabulous cakes, ultimate cake-off, cake boss -- and, of course, law and order: special cake unit. (laughter)

the only problem with a cake is it's still just a cake. all it can do is look good, taste delicious and provide sustenance. why can't it put on a show like that singing popcorn that's always promising to meet me in the lobby but, when i get there, he never shows up? (laughter) luckily, the folks at disney have done better than put on shows about cakes by putting a show on wedding cakes. >> here at disney's fairytale weddings, we're known for storytelling. just imagine telling your story on your cake and bringing your cake to life, whether it be your quotes or images or even something meaningful like your best story -- maybe it's a disney story -- that's actually projected onto your cake. don't worry, your cake is still edible. >> stephen: yes, the cake is even edible. as long as you're okay with some tinkerbell droppings. (laughter) well, color me enchanted. disney has imagineered a cake i can imagine-eating. and there's nothing that disney brand can't turn into magic -- whether it's weddings, family

vacations or even bestiality. (laughter) this romantic cake is available exclusively as part of the disney resorts fairytale weddings, which costs a minimum of $12,000. the memories will last a lifetime, along with your debt. but i know most americans' budget is less cinderella and more cinderella. so for the price of just $79.95, i am proud to offer stephen colbert's enchanted princess pixie wedding cake -- for straight couples only! it features my own animated storytelling cake that doesn't involve those expensive and heavily trademarked disney characters. and my cake's frosting is distinctive greenscreen frosting allows us to digitally insert my

cavalcade of unlicensed characters. they're not disney, but they're disnish. (laughter) i know everybody loves michael mouse! (whistling) oh, congratulations on the wedding -- groom's name -- and -- braid's name... >> stephen: and who's that coming? the little mermaid? no, it's tiny lobster-girl? don't worry, she may be a shell fish, but the cake's still kosher. and it wouldn't be a wedding without michael mouse's friend, a dog-like creature named "idiot." (laughter) >> hu hu, i hide my meds in my cheeks where the nurse won't see! (laughter) >> stephen: and why let your fantasy wedding stop at the cake? if you upgrade to the premium princess package, we'll let you marry whoever you want.

because taking your hand in marriage will be andy serkis covered in greenscreen frosting. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪ this is a pip.

it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is the anchor of nbc's" meet the press "and this weekend his goatee is hosting "snl." please welcome chuck todd! (cheers and applause) ♪ chuck, good to see ya!

>> hello. >> stephen: this is the third time we've had you on the show, only two of which have been broadcasted. >> well, there you are. >> stephen: congratulations on hosting "meet the press." >> week to week. >> stephen: really? you could be gone next week? but you're genetically engineered for this job! you know everything about politics! you have the horse race in your head you know all the players. it wouldn't surprise me if they keep you on amniotic fluid at night and you wake up screaming, voter calls! looks good for mcconnell! (laughter) do you love the politics? >> i do, i do! is it okay? >> stephen: of course, it's okay! you have to be passionate. >> it is. >> stephen: you have to hug it! >> it is. i've loved it since i was a kid. i don't know why. >> stephen: what's the first political battle you as a kid -- i'm older than you are. how old are you? >> 42. >> stephen: i'm younger than

you are. (laughter) i remember nixon. i was so excited about watergate. what was the first time you thought, oh, i'm interested in that? >> it was reagan-carter. i remember my parents debating that. >> stephen: one for carter, one for reagan? >> yes, i'm not going to say which. >> stephen: your mom was for reagan, your dad was for carter. >> why are you stereotyping women? >> stephen: that's what we do. i remember my dad just kept acing a, b, c. >> stephen: what's that mean? at the time, anybody for carter. but i remember that and i remember my parents having interesting debates. that's what i grew up with. was great. >> stephen: okay. you still love the politics. >> i still do. politicians sometimes aren't very good. >> stephen: this is a politician. >> okay. >> stephen: is in trouble right now.

off book coming out called "the stranger barack obama in the white house." now, the mid-terms tomorrow -- >> yes, you're excited about them, i can tell. >> stephen: i am mid-cited about them. >> do you have the secure itch? >> stephen: i do. where is it? >> stephen: it's more i have six-year swamp ass (laughter) you know, i'm getting out of the game, baby. i'm pulling the rip cord in just a couple of shows. >> yeah. >> stephen: but are you excited about the mid-terms or ready to get to 2015? who's going to win or lose. >> well, i'm not a cynic -- >> stephen: i'm asking for real. >> we're spending $4 billion to decide if it's harry reid or mitch mcconnell in charge of the filfilibuster. this has been an election where

the public would like to have a campaign and debate. it's amazing the top two issues, the economy, gridlock in washington, and i can't find a campaign in america that's addressing the two issues. >> stephen: it's about this guy, isn't it? >> it's turned into this guy? the republicans are saying we have to stop that guy from doing anything. i'm all for fighting against this guy. but why did the democrats run away from him? didn't that seem week? >> the republicans are saying obama is to blame for everything -- the gridlock and the bad economy. the democrats say, oh, you're right, obama is not very good. so you've reinforced the message, obama is not very good. then you also have a democratic base that still likes president obama and still democrats who support president obama. >> stephen: they're called black people. >> it's not just african-american. >> stephen: really? but what i'm saying is that's no way to get them fired up about going to the poll.

if republicans end up sweeping all of this, i think that's what they will look back and regret sphroo i have a live show to do tomorrow. >> i do, too. we're up against each other. >> stephen: could you just tell me now what's going to happen? i'd love to have it all written. >> actually, if we know by 11:30, its means it's a huge republican night. north carolina and new hampshire, if those are the early poll closings on the east coast, if one of those has gone republican before midnight, the republicans will win the senate, the question is how big. >> stephen: what about the house? >> i think the democrats hold those seats. it could take up to january. i know it's so exciting and you love them so much that not only could we have recounts, you love those, not only will it take the

iditarod to get the vote from the bush country to find now alaska, so we'll have a runoff in louisiana and georgia. why shouldn't they last till 2015? >> stephen: if i have to talk mid-terms after tomorrow night i'm going to go to maine and start making out with that nurse. (laughter) (cheers and applause) from "meet the press" chuck todd. we'll be riri

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org britta: missed you at lunch today. did you slip out for a quickie with professor hot stuff? her name is michelle and how did you know? there's a gold star on your fly. [grunts] [laughs] you weren't kidding. it's nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work. [man talking indistinctly] see, that's g. that's the most important chord. in my mind, it-- it stands for god. why is annie talking to micro-nipples? vaughn? whatever. but not like a bible god because i think god is in everything.