[applause] welcome back. i have never seen or touched a goat but i thank them for their sacrifice. cashmere. next week we get to know this speedy fellow. look at the gun registration. i'm the first human to run over 30-miles-per-hour. we were going to fly him here, but he said it'd be quicker to just run across the country. follow me on twitter and know that when we live chat during the show, i also am taking care of a lot of online billing. check out our blog at tosh.comedycentral.com. the average reader spends 4.26 minutes on that site. let's get that up to around 7 -- 7.24 by the end of the season. big announcement.

dead or alive, i will be hitting the road this summer for the june gloom tour. yeah, that's going to be awesome. oh, i don't know where you live, but i will probably be there. with me, special guest jerrod charmichael. i am pretty sure that is bill bellamy. i'll get an up-to-date headshot of jerrod next week. presale starts tomorrow! as a lot of you know, i recently upgraded to one of those unlimited texting plans. and to celebrate, i created a new segment called textual harassment. here's how it works: i took a sexually revealing photo of myself with the message -- -- "plus you makes three." i was planning to send it to a bunch of random phone numbers to see what kind of responses i would get. solid bits what you're thinking, right? wrong! immediate backfire. here's the first reply i got. "hey asshole, you sent this to my 9-year-old daughter." ooh.

naturally, i replied "sorry." because i know when a line has been crossed. but then he said -- -- "[bleep] off!" so, i wrote back -- -- "why does your 9-year-old daughter have a phone? that's bad parenting." now it's time to say goodnight, but before i go i will leave you with one question, "where's with one question, "where's daniel?" [audience ohs] - [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] - are you all right? you need me to call the hospital? [audience laughing] [applause] - that's for [bleep] my wife. [audience laughing] welcome to tosh.0, now in dolby. [bass noise] [audience laughing] tonight, what what in the butt stops by for our first ever web remix,

we meet the "i like" girl, and we find out once and for all-- is alabama racist? all right, let me see that throw again. i can't tell, but i think his release was off. they should call this video "two balls, one stone." - [bleeps] - are you all right? - nut shot put. if you spend your saturday filming a sport nobody cares about, you deserve to be hit in the ball bag. ♪ hello, darkness, my old friend ♪ all right, get up. he's got two more tosses. great form! here's a guy who doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin. [audience oohs] now, i know... pretty nice body. all right, that is spf'ing disgusting. i hope he's saving that for the skin fairy. [laughing] too bad he used all that aloe for masturbating.

ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for dj sexual harassment. [generic reggae music plays] ♪ that's not how you check for lumps. you use two fingers... [audience laughing] - [chuckles] looks like somebody got an advance copy of rock band titties. you think that's bad, after this he put on alejandro by lady gaga. ugh. big deal. that guys playing the bongos. i know for a fact tommy lee has a whole drum kit like that at his house. - one, two, three, four! [drums being played] ♪

yes! - after we shot this bit, we got an email from tommy lee's assistant. "with all due respect, tommy would like to know is daniel gay or straight?" [laughing] with all due respect to you, tommy lee, i prefer to keep it a mystery. i don't wanna be typecast as a "straight." [laughing] time to go supervise our third world neighbors. you know what's more impressive than that? a wheelbarrow. [laughing] all right, he's close to losing this game of tetris. well, that's what he gets for waiting for a long, skinny one. all right, stop showing off and finish building my wall. how else am i gonna keep

the locals off my private beach? [tepid laughing] what? summer is a good time to fix up your backyard. hold your hands up, you dick! that seems like a terrific way to lure children to your shed. i hear if you buy an annual pass, he'll let you fool around with his daughter. but you have to bring an empty coke can. when we come back, will they pick the downtown loft, the uptown condo, or the house in the 'burbs with a backyard roller coaster? house hunters! that was six flags over nebraska, now let's see six flags over mississippi.

one [bleep], more flags, more fun. [laughing] who doesn't want an amusement park at their own house? i turned my ceiling fan into a swing ride. all right, flip the switch. [glass shattering] that's what i get for not going with a hampton bay. if you ever get stuck behind this next foursome, don't count on playing through. - i got it, i got it. - oh, [bleep]. [audience ohs] - i'll get an ambulance. - i'm good. [laughing] - now he has a real handicap. let's use the wedge to knock his fat ass out of the rough in this week's breakdown. [upbeat pop music, cheers and applause] ♪

is this pebble beach? no? just some crappy public golf course. jonah hill shows that drinking and driving can be pretty funny. if it's under seven miles an hour. look at him bounce. who said golfers aren't athletes? four! he's never moved so fast. tiger woods had better control of his car after his wife woke him with a nine iron to the face. [laughing] that's what really happened. oh. he's just lucky he didn't beach himself in a sand trap. - i'll get an ambulance. - "i'm fine." there's a car on you. "yeah, i know." [laughing] the worst part is now the golf cart's stuck on an even bigger mound. all right, folks, this is a tough shot. he's 12 strokes back, not an easy up and down. there's a 900-pound golf cart on you. all right, let's grip it and rip it. - all right. [audience ohs] - he's out of the hazard. [claps] he's out. time to repair that fat guy-sized divot

and give him a green jacket for making golf watchable. we're just glad he's too lazy to walk a par three course. and for that, we say "it's in the hole!" [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. but first, here's a lot of [bleep]. [audience ohs] - that's a lot of [bleep]. [audience laughing] [upbeat hip-hop beat]

- [breathes] ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ let's do it in the butt, okay ♪ ♪ i will give you what you need ♪ ♪ all i want is your big, fat "c" ♪ ♪ give it to me, if you please ♪ ♪ give it to me, if you please ♪ ♪ what what in the butt ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ i said what what in the butt ♪ ♪ i said what what - yeah! - i haven't heard a song that gay

since justin bieber's last single. samwell is right, america's obsessed with ass. and who can blame us? when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist, and a round thing in your face, you get sprung. that's just basic science. the heiny's the most important part of the human body. you can sit on it, spank it, kick it, poop out of it, even make love to it. whenever i wanna take a trip down the hershey highway, i tell the ladies it's more environmentally friendly. the back door is nature's condom. go green, girls. the only real drawbacks to butt pirating are dingleberries, and the hiv. oh, and that stench. you can't cover that up with a vanilla scented candle. turd cutters come in all shapes and sizes, mostly fat and gross. but do i like a little junk in the trunk from time to time? you bet your sweet ass i do. if i had to pick my top three badonkadonks, there'd be vida guerra. whew. that's power. bonnie hunt. - great ass. - al pacino agrees with me. and my number one tush goes to

five-time french open champion, rafael nadal. i'm not gonna stand up here and pretend he doesn't have amazing gluts. watch him slide around the clay in capris and tell me i'm wrong. samwell's flawless mocha skin and passion for booty really spoke to me. he's like the cisco of our generation. that's why i brought him to the ass capital of the world and snuck him in the back door for our first ever web remix. [cheers and applause] with over 30 million views, what what in the butt is the most popular song about sodomy ever written. but i wanted to go behind the internet music and find out more about samwell. so i met up with him in a west hollywood bathhouse. our lives are very similar. - how so? - well, i was born a black gay man. tell me about growing up in north carolina. - i don't know if i can say this, but it's a bitch. i always knew i had a secret and it was always something i always felt like i had to keep, you know, under wraps. - that you wanted to be a singer?

- [laughing] yes. yes, that's it. - what do you do for a living? - i'm a flight attendant. go figure. - why are there so many gay flight attendants? - how the [bleep] am i supposed to know? - what is your fascination with the butt? - it's not a fascination. i mean, i have a great ass, for [bleep]'s sake. i think it's one of the best attributes on my body, except for my lips. - you do have strong lips. - i do. [indistinct] oral. - what? that's when i realized samwell had fallen in love with me. but i needed to keep it professional and find out how he created this gay anthem? - how did i come up with the song what what in the butt? well, working, and friends, they would always talk about my butt. and they would grab it, or you know, smack it. and i was-- - would they flip it, or rub it down? oh, no. - um, they would talk about it, and then one day i was-- i would just say, "what what in the butt." and i would just sing the song to a co-worker of mine. and he said, "what is that song?" then a few months later, sure enough, we were in his home studio-- voila! 20 minutes, there was a song. - 20 minutes? that's all it took? - i mean, not-- - you're like jay-z.

- when the magic hits you, it hits you. - what's the message of the song? - the message is just to do it in the butt. it just happened to turn out, i guess that some people attribute it as a gay song, because i'm gay and i talk about doing it in the butt. - oh, heaven forbid they make that jump. no matter how you interpret the video, what what in the butt is a masterpiece. right up there with thriller and tubthumping. how fast did that video become popular? - i would say probably within, like, a month. - what's some of the negative feedback that you've received? - i mean, typical what you would expect homophobic people to say. you know, "die, gay, die" i think-- - whoa. - yeah, you know. - you started out strong. "die, gay, die." [laughing] name some of the things that have happened because of that song. - i got to go to england and be interviewed with lily allen i think she had a tv show for a while. then south park asked to use my song, so it was featured in one of their episodes. - samwell was officially a hollywood a-lister. - i met johnny depp a few years ago when he was filming public enemies.

but then he hit rock bottom. - in the late '90s, when you were drinking heavily, lying in the gutters drunk-- - [laughing] i never was-- - pants around your ankles. did you ever ask yourself "who who is in my butt?" - i don't know if it was quite that dramatic, okay. - i think it was. - it was when his defenses were finally down that i decided to ask the important questions. are you a top or a bottom? do you encourage everyone, gay or straight, to try ass-play? do you wax? have you ever flipped a straight man? can you trust a fart? how many inches is your penis...flaccid? would you ever bleach your anus? - no. - funnel and some peroxide. what do you think of my butt? just when we thought samwell's star couldn't get any brighter or more fabulous, he partnered up with rock star josh homme from queens of the stone age for a one time only, unplugged version of what what in the butt live on the tosh.0 stage. - ♪ what what - ♪ in the butt - ♪ what what - ♪ in the butt - ♪ what what - ♪ in the butt

- ♪ let me tell you, what what - ♪ in the butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in my butt? - ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in my butt - ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in my butt - ♪ let's do it in the butt ♪ both: ♪ okay - funky. - what what in the butt is not only a real question, but it needs an answer. and the answer is let's do it in the butt, okay. - ♪ hey, hey ♪ it's okay ♪ if you have a little fight ♪ ♪ don't you worry, i won't bite ♪ ♪ not that hard, if you want it ♪ ♪ i'll give you power ♪ just be gentle, i'm delicate like a flower ♪ - ♪ what what - ♪ in the butt - ♪ what what both: ♪ in the butt - ♪ what what both: ♪ in the butt - ♪ let me tell you, what what both: ♪ in the butt - ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in my butt - ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in your butt?

- ♪ you wanna do it in my butt? ♪ - ♪ in our butts both: ♪ let's do it in the butt ♪ ♪ okay ♪ [tambourine finishes] [cheers and applause] thank you. - thank you. - thank you. - there's your answer, tommy lee. go to our blog to hear the entire unplugged performance. not since nirvana... have i wanted the lead singer to kill himself more. [audience ohs] i'm-i'm kidding. samwell, you know i loved you. multiple times. we'll be right back. but first, check out this trick shot. - hey, does anybody wanna pla-- [audience ohs] [upbeat hip-hop beat]

smooth intro man. and yes that is the 5.7 inch note 4. is that the new galaxy note 4?

th the best screen we've er put in a phone. it's big enough for multi-tasking so you can get to all the important stuff. do you guys think i ould start mccoy? yeah you start mccoy! look at the detail. it has about twice the resolution of full hd. d, a super wide lens you can selfie, with like everyone. do you think you could send that to me? yeah, you gotta give me your number though. the best big screen phone, just got even better. introducing the msung galaxy note 4. the next big thing is here. you fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance.uld save

everybody knows that. well, did you know words really can hurt you? what...? jesse don't go! jesse...no! i'm sorry daisy, but i'm a loner. and a loner gotta be alone. heee yawww! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. jesse? - i can do anything good. i like my school, i like anything, i like my dad, i like my cousins, i like my aunts, i like my allison's, i like my mom, i like my haircuts, i like my pajamas, i like my stuff, i like my room, i like my whole house! [claps] my whole house is great, i can do anything good. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - is this the new commercial for yaz? [audience laughing]

last week, we did an "i hate" video, so i thought this week we'd put some positivity in the show. that girl has the right idea, so i decided to catch up with her and see if all that positive reinforcement worked out. please welcome jessica. [cheers and applause] jessica. - thank you for inviting me here. - you look a little older, how long ago was that video? - that video w taken in december of 2001, i believe, which was around eight or nine years ago. so it's been a long time since that video was shot. - it's nine years. have you ever been as happy as you were on that day? - i was a very optimistic and positive little girl. but i'm not, like, neg-- i still enjoy life to the same amount today. - really? it hasn't just sucked the life out of you? - not really. - give it a few more years. do you still wear those pajamas? - no, i don't, i don't fit into them anymore. - can i have them?

- if you want. - do you still climb up on that sink? - if it's a bad day or, like, a slow morning, i'll just, like, run through my head all the things i like and all the, like, blessings and good things i have in my life, just to make sure, like, i always have, like, a positive outlook on life. - way to make me feel [bleep]. do you still film it? - yeah. - oh. - let's take a look at that. - i like texting, i like pasta. - i like puke! - i like my cell phone. - i like my high metabolism. - i like my mac book. - i like under baked chocolate chip cookies! - i like soccer. - i like that my asian model girlfriend still keeps her apartment as a safe house. - i like the weekend. - i like the size and shape of my nipples. - i like r-rated movies. - i like my whole tv show. ♪ i can do everything better than everyone ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah aw. thanks for the pajamas, jessica.

if you have a video, go to our blog and upload it for a chance to be our viewer video of the week. this week's winner comes to us from the second city. - hey, who's that on your computer? - oh, rosa parks. hey, did you know they're gonna build a statue of her and put it in the u.s. capital building? - oh, that's great. she deserves it. - mm-hmm. hey, did i ever tell you my grandfather worked with her to start the civil rights movement? - really? - yeah. he was the guy who was like, "get up, move it, lady. get to the back." [laughing] never would've happened without him. hey, happy black history month. - [bleep] you. - we'll be right back with more stella. [upbeat hip-hop beat] we'll even buy you out of your contract.alaxy note 4 for zero down.

so you can get the samsung galaxy note 4 for zero down today.

meat sticnope.ep! uh huh! uh oh. oh, yes! oh, no. uh huh! snap into a par-tay. snap into a slim jim!

[upbeat hip-hop beat, cheers and applause] ♪ - welcome back. before we go any further, i'd like to apologize for an incident that happened last week. i went over the line and i offended a few people. while reading some of your tweets about your summer plans, i accidentally attributed one that said... to the wrong person. it was actually written by bwell027, not kc green. i'm sure kc green also said something awful about my mother, but it probably wasn't as good. i know my mom was upset that the wrong guy got credit. so i'm very sorry, bwell027.

let's learn from our mistake and put this ugly incident behind us. next week, we rescue the guy who got stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. ugh, i bet that place was coated in semen. [laughing] make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010, tickets now on sale. also keep up with our daily blog over at comedycentral.com/tosh.0. and enter our caption challenge. this week's winner is hmbólnk. they write... [laughing] congratulations, hmbólnk. before we go, let's play a quick game of "is it racist?" [cheers and applause] here is a recent political ad from the state of alabama. i know, the alabama thing makes it already semi-racist, but let's withhold judgment. - i'm tim james. why do our politicians make us give

driver's license exams in 12 languages? this is alabama, we speak english. if you wanna live here, learn it. we're only giving that test in english if i'm governor. [audience ohs] - is it racist? uh, yeah. that's really, really racist! "this is alabama, we speak english." if you consider "hey diddy, there's a june bug on your corn pone" english, then i guess so. but at least they're not being racist towards black people for once. so way to go, alabama. baby steps. tell tim james what you think by tweeting him at timjames2010. [chuckles] that's gonna work out. see you next week. y'all come back now, you hear? [cheers and applause] captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com