(eagle caw) >> stephen: tonight, republicans retake congress. could they drove its approval rating up to zero? (laughter) then, an important breakthrough in snack foods. cheese nips that contain real cheese -- and real nipple! (laughter) and my guest is andy cohen, host of bravo's "watch what happens live." tonight, you can watch what happens pretaped. (laughter) a scientist in germany has discovered a way to make a diamonds from peanut butter. so fellas, now you can propose with a jar of jif. (laughter) this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪

(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report"! good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") that's the sound of freedom, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! please, sit down! (cheers and applause) what did an amazing night, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, please have a seat. good to have you with us. lot to talk about tonight. obviously, we're going to be analyzing the ongoing

geopolitical realignment of the middle east with andy cohen over cocktails. (laughter) but first, nation, huge news out of north korea where dear leader kim jong-un has re-emerged in public after a courageous battle with stage 5 cheese ankle. (laughter) so good to see him back. unfortunately, his best friend lubey wasn't available to celebrate with him, so instead kim paid a visit to the second happiest place in north korea. an orphanage. (laughter) of course, the beds are all empty because the kids are at work. which is too bad. kim was looking forward to teaching them how to smoke. (laughter) of course, he'll eventually have to pass the cigarette off to the stuffed animals boning on the dresser. (laughter)

(cheering) but folks, as much as this photo delights, there's an even bigger story coming out of the hermit kingdom. >> two american prisoners, kenneth bea and matthew todd miller, returned to u.s. soil from north korea. >> we had an indication that there was a possibility of release, and we pursued it. it's a good-news story. >> stephen: is it a good news story, sir? 'cuz fox news is reporting, "obama cans also two americans' vacations." yeah, shocking. obviously, the most miraculous part of their release is that it was not negotiated by dennis rodman. (laughter) >> this release was secured by america's top spy, james clapper, the director of national intelligence who carried a personal letter from president obama to north korean leaders. >> stephen: yep, we gave them a dose of the clapper! (laughter) and all it took was a letter from the president.

that was a nice personal touch. these days, too many kids just text their pardon requests. (laughter) folks, i've got to say, i don't envy these men. two years of forced labor. that could not have been good. >> i learned a lot. i grew a lot. lost a lot of weight in a good way. >> or maybe it was great. you know what they say -- you can never be too rich or too imprisoned in north korea. (laughter) i mean, we've all tried the zone diet. maybe it's time for the demilitarized zone diet. plus, there's no chance you will give up early, because it's almost as hard to get out of north korea as it is a gym membership. (laughter) anyway, welcome home, gentlemen. i for one am still riding high from the g.o.p.'s triumph in last week's midterm election. this means there will be more republicans than ever making government smaller by working full-time in washington. (laughter) in fact, there's only one way to describe this victory. >> we've got a new congress, we've got a new mandate.

>> the mandate was skepticism by american people the country is not headed in the right direction. >> it was absolutely a mandate. >> stephen: yes, it was absolutely a mandate, thanks to an historic turnout of just 37% of eligible voters, the lowest since 1942. and remember, that was the greatest generation! back then, on election day, the young people were too busy answering the call of duty to vote. just like young people today. (laughter) and now that the g.o.p. has their largest majority in 85 years, thanks to the lowest voter turnout in 72 years, they have the obligation to enact the agenda of the angriest man in the smallest county in iowa. they just need to do one thing -- >> now the republicans need to govern. >> put forward their plans, their ideas, their solutions for the country. >> they need to step forward with a plan. >> show the american people that they can govern. >> republicans will have to take this golden opportunity they

have been given and actually govern something. >> stephen: yes, it is time for republicans to govern. before that, they were just paid extras on c-span. (laughter) and that call for g.o.p. leadership brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) thank you, senator akbar. it is a trap. it may seem like the american people want republicans to get something done, but don't fall for it! that's not just akbar talking. that's advice from jabba the rush. >> it is the biggest and perhaps the most important mandate a political party has had in the recent era, it is very simple what the mandate is. it is to stop barack obama. republicans were not elected to govern. >> stephen: thank you. republicans were not elected to

govern. (cheers and applause) huge, huge rush limbaugh fans here tonight! (cheering) republicans weren't elected to gosh. their one job is to stop obama! but there's an even more urgent reason to do nothing. (laughter) according to a new editorial by the national review called "the governing trap," if voters came to believe that a republican congress and a democratic president are doing a fine job of goshing together, why wouldn't they vote to continue the arrangement in 2016? yes, then you will be trapped together for another four years doing a competent job of governing! who wants that? point is, anything republicans accomplish, no matter how insignificant, could lead to president hillary clinton.

(cheering) besides, nobody likes people who govern. look at obama. he turned the economy around and gave millions of people healthcare -- what an asshole. and as the national review points out, not only would governing be too effective, it would also be completely ineffective. because "if republicans proclaim that they have to govern now that they run congress, they maximize the incentive for the democrats to filibuster everything they can." yes, and filibustering everything you can is cowardly. what's worse, "a prove-you-can-govern strategy will inevitably divide the party on the same tea party vs. establishment lines that republicans have just succeeded in overcoming." that's right. if republicans do anything, it will start the infighting. think about it -- the beatles never would have broken up if they never released any records.

instead of making the mistake of doing things now, the national review says the g.o.p. should focus on the future by"building the case for republican governance after 2016" and "explaining what republicans... would do if they had the white house ." yes, show the american people that republicans are capable of bold, decisive action... sometime later. (laughter) then republicans will be able to take back the white house. and when they finally control the presidency and both houses of congress, at last it will be time to govern... is what they want you to think. it's just another trap! because the g.o.p. can't act until they've secured an all-republican supreme court, 50 republican governors, 50 republican state legialators, and all-republican prom committees.

(laughter) and even when there are no democrats left, they still shouldn't govern. because another republican could run against them in the primary. and they'd be wide open to attacks on their voting record if they have one. (laughter) of course, refusing to govern might eventually become hard to sell to the american people, so they might have to wait until there isn't an america anymore. and if they refuse the responsibility to govern, well, that will be right around the corner. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ can't wait to get the next big thing? come to t-mobile and get the samsung galaxy note 4 for zero down.

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) nation, tonight there's a scientific breakthrough giving millions of americans hope for a better tomorrow. i sit here as eyewitness to history, privileged to say the following words -- mountain dew now tastes like doritos. jim? >> pepsi and frito-lay have teamed up to great doritos-flavored mountain dew. the new soda is called dewritos and is now being taste-tested on college campuses.

>> stephen: yes, food scientists are using undergrad lab rats to test a new dorito-mountain dew hybrid. you were right, stoners -- frito-lay can hear your thoughts! (laughter) finally, an answer to the question -- what if my doritos were wet and caffeinated? what would that taste like? >> kent state freshman steve barnes tasted dewitos soda at an ohio college recently. he describes it as like orange with a nacho cheese aftertaste. >> stephen: makes sense. the main ingredient in doritos is "aftertaste." now, thanks to pepsi co. innovators, those who want to drink their nacho no longer have to find the a.m.c. concession stand where nobody's watching the cheese pump. i'll admit, i'm not proud of it,

but i once was a dew doubter. i never thought mountain dew would be able to achieve the cold fusion. but, boy, did i slurp my words. and now pepsico has made good on its 2012 promise to, quote, take foods and drinkify them. (audience reacts) how fitting. my favorite time to eat doritos is when i'm drunkified. (laughter) and with new dew-itos, a reality, mankind is approaching the long-predicted snack singularity -- the snackularity, if you will. (laughter) in which food scientists achieve a unity of all a flavors. drinks that taste like chips, chips that taste like dips. we are all flavornauts, exploring the outer reaches of the milky way. which is now available as a nasal spray. (laughter) but even more profound, the dawn of dew-itos brings us to the very intersection of science and spirituality, and opens the

tastebuds to an infinite food court of the mind, known to the buddhists as the mobile -- the noble eightfold gordita. because you know the buddha would have pounded that thing! (laughter) so i salute the snackologists who pieo neared this dewitos breakthrough. until now, to get this flavor combo, you'd have to consume mountain dew and doritos separately and then throw up in your mouth a little. (laughter) just a little. (cheers and applause) by the way, that would be a great slogan. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is the host of bravo's "watch what happens live." to make him feel at home, i'm already drunk. please welcome andy cohen! (cheers and applause) hey, andy! good to see you! thanks for coming back! it's always so nice to have you on the show. >> i appreciate it. always nice to be here. >> stephen: you have the gigawatt smile, a breath of fresh air, and an impressive dude. emmy award winning show, "watch what happens live," and also "real housewives"! (cheers and applause) and you have a new book, "the andy cohen diaries" -- a deep look at a shallow year. >> yes.

(laughter) >> stephen: let's talk about your ethics shallowness. >> yes. >> stephen: it has been said that you couldn't get your ankles wet in andy cohen. you could not drown a ferret in how shallow you are. >> i think i was the one who said how shallow i am. i modeled this book after andy warhol's diaries. of course, the artist who went out every night of the week, he dropped a ton of names. i drop a ton of names in the book. he was fascinated by celebrity, as am i. that's why i wanted to share my deeply shallow but deep stories about a life out running around, hosting a late-night talk show, running around the world, and the deep part comes talking about dating and erescued a dog and -- and i rescued the dog, fell in love with the dog. that's where it gets really deep. the dog rescued me! >> stephen: wow! (laughter)

>> yes! >> stephen: that's a twist you don't see coming. >> total, it's three-quarters the way through the book. you won't believe it. >> stephen: it can be dangerous. in real life, if you try to take a deep look in a shallow pool, you could break your neck. >> yeah, you have to be careful (laughter) >> stephen: if you wrote everything you did every day for a year, how long would it take for you to write it? (laughter) >> let me the -- >> stephen: did you write all this? it's not ghost written? >> 100%. >> stephen: the dog didn't write any of it? >> the dog didn't write any of it. the dog just writes his instagram account. it's a year for me to write and there's a little bridget jones diary for you to enjoy. >> stephen: you won't lose any weight, will you? >> no. though i did become obsessed with my weight and let my mood be dictated by whatever the scale was telling me in the

morning at the gym. >> stephen: how you feeling? i broke the pattern. i broke the habit. >> stephen: what did you do to do that? >> i just said, i can't do this anymore. i'm a fool. why am i letting a variance of 4 pounds dictate my mood for the day, taking it out on others? >> stephen: and what did the paxil say? (laughter) one of the signs of the paxil, this movement. (laughter) >> yeah. >> stephen: let's talk about some of the stars you have. you say it's a shallow life, but you do meet incredible, creative artists. cher, anderson cooper, lady gaga. >> yeah. >> stephen: at one point, you were hanging out with lady gaga and malala yusef xi. >> right. >> stephen: (laughter)

she is truly deep. >> she is. i love awkward duos. i love eavesdropping and reporting on their conversation. >> stephen: what was it? ga-ga was trying to explain to her about the little monsters and her fashion, and i don't know if it was translating and -- >> stephen: was she trying to invite ma la-la to be a little monster? >> yes, i think so. >> stephen: ma la-la actually lives in a country full of actual monsters. >> true. >> stephen: one thing i notice in here, i just opened a couple of pages at random. >> did you read it? >> stephen: yes, but not in the correct order. i read words at random. >> it's fun that way. >> stephen: you make what you

do easy. i was flipping through the book. there are so many challenges you face. >> i do. >> stephen: you fall asleep during massages. your local dry-cleaner changes management without warning. where do you find the courage the go on? >> you know what? thank you for recognizing the struggle that is me. if you're getting a massage and you fall asleep did you get a massage? if you wake up and say, did you do my legs? because they hurt. he says, yes. how do you know? the butt of every joke in this book is me so, yes, those are some of the struggles i have. >> stephen: you've got the executive producer of the "real

housewives." >> yes, sir. >> stephen: how small a town can we go to and still have real criticalness of house wifery? is it atlanta? fonfond du lac or death claims? what constitutes realness? >> i think you're on to something. i like the idea of five women in mom jeans holding corn at the beginning of my show. i think they're equally as capable of alcoholism and rage. >> stephen: 100%! yes! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the "the andy cohen diaries" comes out tomorrow! go get it!

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. is this happened on uproxx today! >> i'm not gay no more. a deserve ant.

i don't like men no more. i said i like women! women, women, women, women! [laughing] >> listen -- >> whoa. >> oh -- chris: i don't know what to say to that, look out, women. i guess. that is actually not a sketch. that's the church of god and christ'ss christ's 107 holy convocation, where a parishioner has come up to testify that the lord has delivered him from his homosexual impulses. upon hearing the news, god leaned down and said "you know i don't give a sit about that anymore. people are dying in the world. come on. comedians, i want to you testify and tell what the good lord has delivered you from. pe