tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 13, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PST
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thank you so much.
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folks, i am always-- you know me. you watch this show. i'm not proud. i'm not proud. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, i can't fight that. but, folks, you know, if you watch this show, i'm not a prideful man. i always am the first to admit when i'm wrong, and once again, i am right. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this time it's about obamacare. folks, i've never liked it. first, they put a bureaucrat between and you your doctor, and the next thing you know the doctor and the bowercrat are hanging out all the time and voantly forget to call you the night they want to go see "interstellar," and you heard they had such a great time, they even had a beer afterwards to talk about the movie. thanks, obama. ( laughter ) luckily, the republicans are in power now, and they're going to do something about it by undoing something about it. >> republicans dominate state governments this time around, also eager to fix obamacare. >> there are some changes to obamacare that i think both
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parties can agree to. >> we're going to have to show that we have ideas, that we are going topaz legislation and try to fix obamacare. >> stephen: yes, after more than 50 votes against obamacare, the republican majority is now promising to fix the law. just like when you try to murder someone 50 times, as and it doet work, so you buy them a gym membership. and they have a great starting point for health care reform-reform. >> we'll take on obamacare regulations that threaten the 40-hour work week. >> let's put on his desk things like restore the 40-hour work week. >> the loss of 40-hour work week, big, big, mistake. that ought to be restored. >> we must take action and restore the traditional 40-hour work week. >> stephen: yes, restore the traditional four-hour work week as god intended when he clocked out at five whether or not the oceans were done. that's why flounder looks so weird. congress might not have to fix this wreck because it might have wrecked itself. >> opponents of obamacare have
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another opportunity to say, "i told you so." >> the incendiary remarks by one of obamacare's chief architects, m.i.t. economics professor jonathan gruber. >> he made it explicit that sick people get money it would not have passed. >> he claims obamacare was intentionally written in a tortured way to hide the taxes that would have killed the bill. >> stephen: a-ha! i knew it. obamacare is funded by taxes, unlike every other part of the federal government. i mean, everybody knows the f-35 fighter jet program is paid for with candy sales. ( laughter ) and just listen to why they thought they could get away with this. >> lack of transparency say huge political advantage, and basically, call it the stupidity of the american voter or whatever, but basically, that was really, ready critical to get the thing to pass. >> stephen: the stupidity of the american voter. professor gruber just delivered a death blow to obamacare in
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what i'm calling the "za-gruber film." and i'm not the only one out there who is offended. just ask south carolina congressman and guy who put his wig on backwards . ( cheers and applause ) trey gowdy. >> i would say this to the-- to the professor. put down the cognac, and the loss writings of j.d. salinger. if you want to see how stupid our fellow citizens are, take a look at last tuesday night. >> stephen: yes, if you want to see how stupid americans are, just look at who they elected last tuesday. ( cheers and applause ) in your face. these are smart guys. what are you doing wasting time on salinger's lost stories? the only good one is "a girl i knew." if you want to make it through "hapworth 16" you're going to need something stronger than cognac. of course, i don't have to tell you, democrat democrats are, le. fox will do it for me. >> the entire process of getting this passed was all predicated on manipulating, lying to the
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american people because they knew they couldn't get it passed any other way. >> they new exwoou this kind of stuff the whole time, they giew exwoou it, and they agreed with gruber that is not the type of thing you could talk about publicly because it would kill the bill. >> do you think they gave a rat's you know what? they got what they wanted. >> stephen: contemptuous democrats looked down on people and thought what a pathetic horde of dullards. let's give them health care. whereas. ( cheers and applause ) it's shameful. it's shameful. for shame. whereas, republicans respected the voters' intelligence by telling them the death panels would grind up your grandma to make glue. and professor numb nuts here wasn't even the worst thing to happen to obamacare this week, because on friday's the supreme court agreed to hear yet another legal challenge that could kill the law. it's like the old saying-- the wheels of justice grind slowly, but eventually they'll run over sick people. ( laughter ) now, the last two times i
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declared obamacare dead, i dropped balloons, and twerked on the grim reaper. ( cheers and applause ). but, folks, looking back-- ( cheers and applause ) looking back, i think that was a little immature. so tonight, we're going it slow dance. jimmy? ♪ ♪ ♪ i just close my eyes and i'm with you. ♪ and all that i so want to give you. ♪ is only a heartbeat away >> you cannot-- you cannot blame guy for trying. ( cheers and applause ) oh! i love-- i love watching you walk away. ( laughter )
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now, folks, of course, there is a very good reason millions of people may lose their health insurance. clumsy semantics. you see, in the case "king v. burwell," the plaintiffs argue that since the exact word of the law say subsidies are intended for those who are "enrolled in through an exchange established by the state, subsidies cannot be available on the healthcare.gov exchange." so it all comes down to a few sloppy, ill-considered words, and for once, they're not joe biden's. so bottom line, this law is dead, and i will brook no descent on the issue. here to for to my brook is the "colbert report" senior analyst and employed by the "new york times" magazine, emily bazelon. emily, thank you so much for being back. good to see you again. all right, emily, is this a death knell for obama?
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obamacare. >> no, there should not be. there are plenty of reasons when you read the 900-page affordable care act as a whole, the words you single out need to be read in such a way that allow subsidies for people who enroll in the federally created exchanges. >> stephen: okay, but i didn't single it out. the case singled it out. the supreme court is hearing the case. they must think they're pretty important words. the words say, "through a state." a state is not federal government, right? >> a state is not the federal government. >> stephen: okay, thank you for being here. thank you so much. diwin? did i just win? >> no, you didn't win, because the irs is the agency who has the power to interpret the law upon. i know it's not your favorite agency -- >> stephen: it's no one's favorite agency. >> it's still the i.r.s.' job, and the i.r.s. says we're reading this law as a whole coherently. in context, it is clear that state exchanges set up by the federal government-- they're still state exchanges-- can still give people these subsidies. courts are supposed to defer to agencies, the i.r.s.' reading of the law, mott naik it up
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themselves. >> stephen: so let's just imagine for a moment that the whistling past the graveyard you're doing will not work. >> okay. >> stephen: >> stephen: they rule in favor of the people who say you can't get money through the federal exchanges. what happens to the law then? >> the law could go into a death spiral, as you were saying before, because millions of people signed up through federally run exchanges are receiving subsidies. there are people who are required to sign up for health insurance, want health insurance, presumably, but they can't afford to pay for it on their own. so the supreme court would be stripping from them all the money allowing these millions of people to have health care, effectively taking health care from millions of people. >> stephen: but doesn't that reflect the will of the people? because last tuesday, the american people voted, and they said with a single voice, no health care, thanks. ( laughter ). >> well, no, no, because congress did pass obamacare. it's hard to remember now, but congress -- >> stephen: i don't, actually. i don't, actually. >> congress passed obamacare. and while the past congress
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tried -- >> stephen: but we don't know what they meant. if only those people were still alive to ask them what they meant. >> but we do have those people and not a single one of them have said they intended to restrict subsidies to state-run exchanges. they all say no. everyone is supposed to get these subsidies. every single person who voted for that law. >> stephen: will that have anything to do with the supreme court's ruling on this? >> well, that depends on whether congressional intent, this idea of looking at what legislators were trying to do, has any weight with the justices. >> stephen: sotomayor and kagan and breyer, all those guys, they-- all the liberal justices, i happen ton that at one time or another, they have been sick, so shouldn't they have to recuse themselves? >> you think they're the only ones who have been sick? >> stephen: scalia has never been sick a day in his life. no, you eat that much prosciutto, nothing can live inside of you. ( cheers and applause ). what happens? so if they rule against the
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obamacare thing, if the itself exchanges aren't able to give any money, is there anything they can do after that? can the supporters of obamacare appeal to the justice league or the the legion of doom our the at vengers or anything like that. >> they could appeal to congress. congress could fix this very easily. but do you think congress is really going to do that? >> stephen: no. emily, thank you so much for joining me. emily bazelon, the "new york times" magazine. we'll be right back. thai. we all know someone this year.. .
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discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. new guinness blonde american lager. mand i'm a troubleman for pg&e. i've been with pg&e for 17 years and i work in vallejo. i grew up in vallejo and this is where i want to be. i ride my truck around on the same hills i rode my bike around when i was a kid. as a troubleman, if your power goes out, you call and here i am. i feel like my job is important because all the people in this community are people that i know. my family is vallejo too so i need to make sure it's safe for them.
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when i pull up to a house, i want customers to know i'm there to help. we need to get the power back on, that's our job. you get a good feeling from fixing stuff. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, you know, i try not to repeat myself, but i have long warned you, i have long warned you about the scourge of gay marriage. well, yesterday, it man-on-managed to spread to the place i care about the the most. >> a groundbreaking riewlings as south carolina becomes the 33rd state in the nation to recognize same-sex marriage. ( cheers and applause ). >> a federal judge in south carolina striking down that state's ban on same-sex marriage. >> the judge in south carolina ruled that state's ban was unconstitutional. >> stephen: a federal judge has ruled that south carolina must recognize gay marriage? that is outrageous! when did south carolina start recognizing the federal government? ( cheers and applause )
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folks, i knew this would happen. folks as a native son of the palmetto state, am deeply disturbed. this is the worst thing that has happened to south carolina since someone found mark sanford. ( applause ) this ruling is a surrender to the gay agenda, or as we call it, the war of same-sex aggression. the next thing you know, the flag flying on our state capitol grounds will look like this. and, folks, it is the stars and bars, not the stars and gay bars. , of course, in all of this, there is one person i feel most for here-- me. ( laughter ) pause soutbecause stowrk is whei traditionally married my female wife woman, lorraine. as god intended. and as was the only legal option at the time. ( laughter ) sent, years later, years after i have spent with my beautiful bride, all of that seems like a total waste. i mean-- i-- i would i have
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gotten gay married if i could at the time? , of course, not. did i have someone in mind? who's asking? was it brad? does he ever mention me? i, for one, will never forgive this activist judge who brought gay marriage to my state and whose name will live in infamy, richard gergel. in fact, i would be shocked if after this scandalous gay marriage ruling anyone in south carolina ever named their child dick gergel. because you, sir, you, have forever tarnished the reputation of our fair state! ( cheers and applause ) you have forever tarnished the reputation of our state, which says a lot because south carolina has done some ( bleep ). we'll be right back.
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mand i'm a troubleman for pg&e. i've been with pg&e for 17 years and i work in vallejo. i grew up in vallejo and this is where i want to be. i ride my truck around on the same hills i rode my bike around when i was a kid. as a troubleman, if your power goes out, you call and here i am. i feel like my job is important because all the people in this community are people that i know. my family is vallejo too so i need to make sure it's safe for them. when i pull up to a house, i want customers to know i'm there to help. we need to get the power back on, that's our job. you get a good feeling from fixing stuff. >> stephen: welcome bark everybody. my guest tonight is the star of the can the hunger games." as the host, the odds are ever in my favor. please welcome jennifer lawrence. ( cheers and applause ). hey, jennifer. thank you so much for being
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here. ( cheers ) nice to meet you. >> wow. >> stephen: lovely to have you here. >> thank you. >> stephen: everyone is excited, as you can see. ( cheers ) >> okay! >> stephen: for those under a rock, you're the oscar and golden globe-winning actress best known for "winter's bone" "silver linings playbook, "and, of course, the "hunger games" franchise. ( cheers and applause ). so the next one is called-- help me out here? >> "mockinged jay, part 1. >> stephen: because it is the third installment in the rare four-part tril gee. >> don't trick me with math. >> stephen: i'll trite tri-not to. you're such a success at such a young age. you're 24 arizona old, right? >> yes. >> stephen: a could of oscars. >> one. >> stephen: you should have gotten two. you were ripped off. but at this point, at 24, you could just start phoning it in
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right now. ( laughter ) because things are going so well. have you ever thought of pulling the rip cord and go i'm done at 24. >> i have a feeling it will happen for me. i feel like i don't have to do that. i'm constantly waiting for everything to fall apart. >> stephen: no, no, no. you could ride this for a long time. you're in the, in memoryam reel at this point. >> every time my phone rings i'm like, "it's over." >> stephen: i'm pulling the rip cord in 16 more shows. what say you and i drop out-- >> audience: ooooh! >> stephen: it will be fun. the two of us will go fight crime together. >> okay, yeah. >> stephen: no one will know. we'll wear little masks. let's talk about the new movie and you, because katniss everdean, aren't you like her a little bit? you're from kentucky. isn't that a little district 12ian place? there's coal mining there. >> there is coal mining. i never volunteered for anything in my life.
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>> stephen: no one forced you to come here, i hope. >> especially this. >> stephen: all right. but you were a normal person. >> i was. >> stephen: well-- >> i was and then everything changed. and now i'm made of rubber. >> stephen: do things bounce off of? >> oh, my god. nothing go. >> stephen: really? >> no, yeah, no, i grew up in kentucky, i mean, not skinning squirreles.actually, i have skia squirrel before. i can't even say that. >> stephen: you just caught yourself in a lie. >> i was like jennifer, you be eating squirrel chili. >> stephen: i think we meade news. but you were kind of plucked from obscurity at a young expainl now you're a hero to a lot of people. do you identify with your character at all? >> no, it's so dangerous to say that, because she is leading a
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rebellion to change the world. but i need a new juje. >> stephen: what is a juje? >> a juje is a hair fluff. high hair person is probably freaking out right now for me touching it. >> stephen: okay, so how did you-- how-- how did you prepare for this role? did you have to actually-- did you do a ride-along? did you kill anybody with a bow and arrow? >> yeah, i did a ride-along with a lot of rebels that were fighting. >> stephen: do you actually know how to use a bow and arrow? >> i do, yeah, i took eye can't remember anymore how many months of archery, but a lot of months of archery for the first movie, and less for the second movie. >> stephen: and the third movie is just all c.g.i. exactly. that's it exactly. >> stephen: did you hold your hand and they put the bow in? >> and then people die on
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screen. we're laughing but that's actually kind of exactly how it went. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know, i don't want to give away any spoilers, but there a "motheringjay part 2?" we'll see how this one goes? >> they'll go straight to three. yeah, there is a "mockinged jay part 2." >> stephen: we have a clip of "mockinged jay part one." >> there has been rampant speculation about what really happened in the quart quell, and here to shed a little light on the subject for us is a very special guest. please welcome mr. peeta mellark. peeta, a lot of people feel as though they are in the dark. >> yeah, yeah, i know how they feel. >> so set the stage for us. talk us through. what really happened on that final and controversial night? >> first off, you have to understand that when you're in the games, you only get one wi
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wish. it's very costly. >> you're alive. >> stephen: oh, my god! ( cheers and applause ) does the movie have a happy ending where all the poor people accept low-paying jobs and no unions? ( laughter ) >> close. and a lot of people are dead. but all in all -- >> stephen: other than that? >> upbeat. >> stephen: very upbeat. >> yeah. >> stephen: as such a nice person-- you're nope as a nice, normal person. what's it like-- do you have a plan to freak out? >> i'm going postal. >> stephen: we could plan your double play ward spiral right now if you want. we cook pick the drug and the crime. >> all right. >> stephen: how about crystal meth and boosting cars. >> oh, bad for the skin. >> stephen: last question, people call you jlaw, do you like that nickname gidon't mind it. it's actually been my nickname since elementary school. >> stephen: really. >> not even elementary school,
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but middle school. >> stephen: are your mom and dad mlaw and blaw? >> yeah, we're a pretty cool family. >> stephen: well, jlaw, thank you so much for joining us. and good luck with your coming downward spiral. jennifer, thank you so much. jennifer lawrence, "the hunger games: mocking jay - part 1", opens nexted from. we'll be right back. thank you. (music)
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hey slick, it's me! i'm a darwinist, brother, alright? some prosper... enjoy the picture, everyone! ...and some struggle. (music) (tires screech) (grunt) i thought you said you wasn't gonna hit me. (music) we had a deal! we had paperwork! une. deux. trois. my daddy was not nice to me! (traffic sounds) (gun clicks) life is just one long mystery. boom! grand theft auto five coming november 18th on playstation 4. rated m for mature. playstation
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it. >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on the chinese internet, china continues its asset to global supremecy with a catchy new song called chick chick. it's kind of a chinese answer to what does the fox say which is a swedish answer to what the [bleep] did i just watch. (laughter) it's already has over 2.5 million hits and i personally find it delightful. ♪ ♪
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