comedy central ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. what energy! what joy! (audience chanting "stephen") you hear that? that's the sound of heros! folks, thank you so much for being here! (cheering) you know, ladies and gentlemen, it's wonderful to have you here. folks, long-time viewers of my show know that they are now short-time viewers because, as

of tonight, there are only 11 episodes of "the colbert report" left. (audience awwws) all your awwwwing is wasting precious colbert talking time. but thank you. now, lesser newsmen might stoop to some cheap publicity stunt before they go off the air. we all remember when walter cronkite ended his reign at "cbs evening news" by leg-wrestling mr. t. (laughter) i have no time for that kind of shameful last-ditch ratings grab. i'm too busy planning this coming monday's show, when i will be broadcasting "the colbert report" from washington, d.c.! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! it's my farewell to washington special. stephen colbert presents mr. colbert goes to

washington, d.c. partisan is such sweet sorrow! colbert victory lap 2014! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! nation, this is going to be huge-ly devastating to what little remains of my budget. with only 11 shows left, the network's not cutin' the big checks for my projects. so to ride the train down there for free, i'm getting myself certified as a service animal. please do not pet me. i'm working. tune in to see me at george washington university's lisner auditorium. monday. be a part of the million me march when i finally provide the washington monument a pair of balls. (laughter) nation, a lot of people say that america's best days are behind us. we don't make anything anymore.

our cars are made in japan, our computers are made in china, even our sexiest men are made in australia. but there's still one thing america produces more of than anyone else in the world -- prisoners. we're number one! (cheers and applause) thank you for your service, spider. america has 2.3 million people behind bars. we beat everyone! in your face, china! though i do want to thank you for producing those cheap plastic handcuffs. couldn't have done it without you. and when it comes to mass incarceration america-style, nobody does it like california. since the mid '70s, its prison population has grown by 750%, driven by the state's tough three-strikes law, which mandated 25 years to life for anyone convicted of three felonies -- even for non-violent offenses like drug possession or attempting to steal a pair of work gloves from home depot. sure, it seems petty, but it

starts with gloves, next he's picking up a chainsaw, a shed to hide the body, and wall sconces to give the murder scene some accent lighting! but a california's model prison system could soon be on death row, and that brings us to tonight's word. (cheering) crook and ladder. nation, california's prisons are under attack by activist judges. in 2011, the supreme court ruled that conditions in california's overcrowded prisons are so bad that they violate the ban on cruel and unusual punishment. oh, big whoop. all our prisons are overcrowded -- the phantom zone, arkham, azkaban. (laughter) here's what happened -- the court ordered california to do something about prison overcrowding, but so far the state's response is nowhere to be seen. of course, they could solve the whole thing if they just stored inmates in those ziploc space

bags. so while the state government wrestled with the problem, last month california voters approved proposition 47, which reduces penalties for offenders who commit non-serious and non-violent crimes, potentially releasing 10,000 felons from state prison. that's right. 10,000 non-violent felons back on the streets. governor brown is gonna have to deploy the national guard to home depot's glove aisle. (laughter) folks, i say we must keep these danger-ish criminals behind bars. and not just to punish them. >> for decades, california has used inmates to fight fires and clear land to stop the spread of wildfires. physically fit inmates with no history of violent crimes can work as firefighters while serving their sentence. >> the recently-passed initiative could free such prisoners from jail and deplete the pool of inmates who qualify for fire duty. >> stephen: that means the

next time there's a fire, you could be stuck in your home and there won't be a convicted felon rushing towards you with an axe. (laughter) california needs these prisoners. so when federal judges ordered their release, the state attorney general's office fought to keep the prisoners working in their fire brigade. and it's not just about the lives these prisoners save, it's about something much more important -- the money. because corrections officials say the fire program saves the state more than $100 million a year. because inmates earn just $2 a day fighting fires. with pay like that, it's no wonder smokey the bear can't afford a shirt. the savings are vital because the state has already burned through this year's wildfire-fighting budget of $209 million. california hasn't seen that kind of cash go up in smoke since the last time someone let m. night

shyamalan make a movie. (laughter) nation, i salute california prison authorities for not releasing non-violent prisoners from cruel and unusual conditions. after years of corporations outsourcing american jobs, they've found a way to bring third-world wages back home. it's like having our own private bangladesh! these are the best workers almost no money can buy. they can't quit. they never go home. and the only union they're allowed to join is the aryan brotherhood. and if we legally must reduce overcrowding, we shouldn't do it by releasing these model employees. we should just build new prisons. we can do it cheap, too, because i know some people that work for $2 a day! point is, even though these

people are jailed in cruel and unusual conditions for non-violent crimes like drug possession, california needs to keep them. not that california's hooked on prison labor. it can stop anytime it wants. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! backum! thanwelcome!thank you so much!

nation, it's getting colder, and i'm starting to develop a hankering for spiced, alcoholic, drinkle egg -- which means christmas is right around the corner. now, usually, i.d. be bringing you news from the front in the war on christmas. say, some blasphemer who confused balthazar for melchior or refused to tickle elmo. it's the lord's will! did elmo die for nothing?! (laughter) but this year in the war on christmas, christmas is fighting back. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude! (cheers and applause) >> ho, ho, ho! (singing) (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: back at ya, big guy! folks, christmas needs a hero once again. and this year, thank god it's t.g.i. fridays. >> t.g.i. fries says it will be flying drones around some of its restaurants with a mistletoe attached to the drones. the drones are small enough to cruise overhead, guaranteeing some awkward moments for couples and strangers alike. the restaurant says they hope this will encourage customers to, quote, make their move. a drone encouraging you to kiss. >> stephen: yes, t.g.i. fridays is weaponizing christmas cheer with a mistletoe drone that forces you to kiss. something you might want to keep in mind before you take your dad to lunch. (laughter) what a fantastic idea. the only thing missing from your boozey night out was four whirling blades steered by a 16-year-old busboy. plus, unlike old-fashioned non-autonomous mistletoe, you

can't avoid this one because it brings the forced public intimacy to you! it even has an hd kiss cam to broadcast your smooch to the whole restaurant. which is not only a heck of a lot of naughty fun, but also gives you a chance to ask your waiter... where the hell is my jack daniels sampler basket?! (cheers and applause) okay? all right? and i'll take another diet coke in malibu, please! (laughter) folks... t.g.i. fridays' mistletoe drone is not just a great way to spread christmas cheer, it could be a great new weapon in the war on terror. because i.s.i.s. may show blatant disregard for basic human decency, but surely even they respect the international law of mistletoing. that's why i'm calling on the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff to harness this technology.

i assume he also works at t.g.i. fridays. look at all that flair. (laughter) general dempsey , deploy a fleet of mistletoe drones to iraq immediately. once the terrorists see that festive sprig hovering overhead, al-baghdadi and his top lieutenant will have to kiss each other. (laughter) and then they will immediately be stoned to death. merry christmas, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guests tonight have a new album of duets called "cheek to cheek.." i'll ask whose cheek got top billing. please welcome tony bennett and lady gaga. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> laidy, good to see you. tony, always good to see you. >> thank you. >> stephen: what a delight and honor and surprise. tony, i haven't seen you since we were both singing in front of 250,000 people in a mall in washington, d.c. we pared it down tonight to the core group. (cheers and applause) thanks for coming on for the first time to the show.

>> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you two are a little bit of an unusual pair. >> really? >> stephen: tony, you're known for leaving your heart in san francisco. ga-ga, someone might expect you the find it and turn into a happen. how did this come about? >> did you know i could get a heart to do that? >> stephen: when the cameras are off i know a guy. (laughter) how did you guys get together? >> tell him, tony. what happened with me, we did a benefit for the poor people of manhattan. remember that? >> yes. >> stephen: poor people in manhattan? (laughter) >> too many. quite a few. >> stephen: wow. i thought they lived in queens. sorry. (laughter) >> when i saw her perform, i said, i never heard anybody that the public loved more than lady gaga. >> thank you, tony. >> stephen: some people from your age bracket, shall we say,

may not be able to see past some of the outrageous choices gaga has made. did she remind you of somebody you had sung with before? >> she's the most consummate performers i've ever met. >> stephen: did you grow up as a fan of tony bennett? >> of course. i'm a new york baby. tony's an italian american new yorker, so i grew up loving tony so much. my father used to play tony all the time. we would make, you know, meet balls and spaghetti in the kitchen and he would be singing to us. i couldn't be more proud sitting next to you today on the news. (cheers and applause) >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: the album is called tony bennett and lady gaga "cheek to cheek." again, i have to say, with your reputation, lady gaga, i wasn't

sure if these were the two cheeks we were going to see. (laughter) could have sold maybe even more albums than this. it's songs from the great american song book. what makes something a great american song? other than, say, the national anthem and god bless america? >> intelligent composing. >> stephen: intelligent composing. >> and quality music. it's an actual book. it's a book of songs that were compiled over about two to three decades, and they were specifically chosen because of the impact that they had on music and, you know, we always talk about fred astaire and how he was really the first person to sing all the songs that were introduced to the great american song book. tony calls it the fred astaire song. >> true. all of the composers were handpicked by the most incredible performers on the planet and compiled into this book and we chose the songs that we really loved. >> no country in the world has ever given the rest of the world the best popular songs.

we play in china, russia, israel, we play everywhere in the world and everybody in the world knows these american songs. >> we just sang in tel aviv together. 27,000 people sing ago song that's at least 70 years old. it was incredible to witness and it was inspiring. i love singing with him. >> stephen: well, would you guys inspire us right now with a song? >> didn't we just sing? (laughter) >> stephen: no! no, lady gaga! (cheers and applause) i don't know what you're talking about, lady gaga. you haven't sun yet. this is the interview before you sang. (laughter) we'll be right back with a performance by tony bennett and lady gaga! come on! (cheers and applause) ♪ to help spread some holiday cheer.

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>> stephen: here with a song off their album "cheek to cheek," lady gaga and mr. tony bennett. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ heaven, i'm in heaven and my heart beats so that ♪ i can hardly speak

and i seem to find the happiness ♪ i seek when we're out together ♪ dancing cheek to cheek ♪ heaven, i'm in heaven and the cares that hung around me ♪ through the week seem to vanish ♪ like a gamblers lucky streak when we're out together ♪ dancing cheek to cheek ♪ oh, i love to climb a mountain ♪ and to reach the highest peak but it doesn't thrill me half as much ♪ as dancing cheek to cheek ♪ oh, i love to go out fishing ♪ in a river or a creek

but i dont enjoy it half as much ♪ as dancing cheek to cheek ♪ dance with me i want my arm about you ♪ that charm about you will carry me through, to ♪ heaven, i'm in heaven and my heart beats so that ♪ i can hardly speak and i seem to find the happiness ♪ i seek when we're out together ♪ dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ dance with me i want my arm about you ♪ that charm about you will carry me through ♪ heaven, i'm in heaven and my heart beats so that ♪ i can hardly speak ♪ and i seem to find the happiness i seek ♪ when we're out together dancing ♪ out together dancing ♪ out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪ ba-do-bop, ba-do-bap ba-do-bop, ba-do-bap ♪ ba-do-bop-baaa ba-ba-do-bop ♪ bop (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tony bennett, lady gaga, "cheek to cheek"! goodnight! captioning sponsored by

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [♪] why is everyone wearing those hats? is the dean planning another event, or is the greendale hat club struggling to be noteworthy? you're talking about it. i talk about stuff that annoys me. speaking of the dean-- guten tag, homies. i hope you'll all be attending oktoberfest. don't often get to celebrate german culture. it's not often we want to. yeah. a little goes a long way. pelton: true. greendale's oktoberfest has never drawn huge crowds, probably due to our diversity, so this year, we are adding some color. kick it.