government for shutting down tomorrow at midnight? ♪ one more night ♪ give me one more ♪ one more night captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. in here, out there, all around the world. >> stephen! stephen! stephen!

thank you so much for being here. please, you've given enough at this point. thank you very much. you know, folks, i hope you're checking your calendars because i will be off the air for the 2016 presidential election, but folks that does not mean i cannot call it right now. so with zero percent of precincts caring, the next president of the united states will be wisconsin governor, scott walker. congratulations, sir! well deserved. ooooh, they love you. i'm calling this for governor walker right now because he has proven that he is smarter than he looks, sounds and governs. he knows that if you want to get elected in this country as a republican, you can't just appeal to white people. you also need to appeal to jewish white people. >> a number of high-profile republicans with sights on the 2016 presidential bid are returning from a weekend in sin city where they addressed the republican jewish coalition's annual spring gathering. among those names, wisconsin governor scott walker.

>> governor scott walker-- >> hoping to get the blessing and fortune of casino mogul sheldon adelson. >> stephen: yes, the walker campaing wants the blessing and fortune of sheldon adelson, but he's not greedy. he'll settle for the fortune. and walker's affection for the jewish people is genuine. in fact, madison's "the capital times" has published a letter dating from walker's time as milwaukee county executive, in which he tells a local jewish leader that he would be happy to display a menorah celebrating chanukah at the milwaukee courthouse, signing it "thank you again, and molotov." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) now, walker probably meant mazel tov, which is yiddish for congratulations, and not molotov, which is a bottle of gasoline with a lit rag stuffed in the neck used to firebomb tanks.

( laughter ) so there's a little difference. though in walker's defense, eight molotov cocktails would make for a very festive menorah. ( cheers and applause ) they said the gas would burn for only one night. now i think everyone needs to just lay off walker here. he's still learning. he hasn't yet developed the deep cultural understanding of the jewish people that i have. there is no greater friend of the children of israel than yours truly, so allow me to say a word on walker's behalf. jewish nation, scott walker's a good guy. he's a real munch. ( laughter ) ok, so he doesn't wear a yamaha or observe the sherbert. the important thing is that he was ready to display that minorah. i'm sure, given the chance, he also would have displayed the majora. and we're not even talking about a major jewish holiday here.

it's not like this is yom tupac shakur or sha-na-na or even sucrose. if it weren't the same time as christmas, nobody would even talk about hana-kuna matata. it's just a fun family holiday where you eat potato tchotchkes and you spin the dildo. dildo, dildo, dildo, i made you out of clay. let's all cut scott walker some slack. that's what the holiday season's all about. soto my jewish viewers, i, i tonight raise a glass of lenny kravitz and say a hearty l'heimlich maneuver." ( cheers and applause ) folks, i don't want to act like i'm holier than thou.

i'm from south carolina. we say holier than y'all. this is yahweh or no way. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ nation, i consider myself a proud bible thumper. of course, i stopped when i discovered the bible frowns on pre-marital thumping. of course, i don't read it much since all my favorite bible stories are the ones i don't have to read because they're movies. i find god's message of eternal love goes down smoother when drenched with golden topping. that's why i am so pumped for the upcoming biblical epic, "exodus: gods and kings." it's the perfect holiday movie, because nothing says christmas like passover. ( laughter ) now, for all my heathen viewers, "exodus" is the thrilling tale of one man standing against the pharaoh to free his people from slavery, this time starring christian bale as bat-moses.

( laughter ) ( cheers ) but the liberal pharaohs don't want my people to go to this movie. >> an epic backlash over a biblical blockbuster. >> there are critics who say the cast is too white. >> the cast of the film is largely white even though the film is set in egypt. >> on twitter, the #boycottexodusmovie is trending with some tweeting "since when were ancient egyptians white?" others take issue with the fact that black and middle eastern actors only play slaves in this movie. >> stephen: oh, please. does everything have to be about race? even slavery? ( laughter ) so is it okay for movies to depict bibilcal yahweh of no way? yahweh!

♪ hallelujah first off, i am sick of the p.c. police out there trying to take away our innocent fun at the movies. when i'm in the theater, i don't want to think about depressing things like race. i just want to sit in the dark with my kids and watch sinners drown in rivers of blood. besides, director ridley scott had a solid explanation for not casting more middle easterners. saying, "i can't mount a film of this budget and say that my lead actor is mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such. i'm just not going to get it financed." folks, no, listen, he is right. he's absolutely right. if your star is mohammad so-and-so, you're not gonna get financing from hollywood, though you might get the c.i.a. to fund drone strikes on such-and-suchistan. ( applause ) here with you, scott, ridley.

plus ridley scott has the backing from the studio, media baron and survivor of the first scrotum-to-face transplant, rupert murdoch. rupey took to the tweet-boards to discredit the boycott-exodus campaign, saying, moses film attacked on twitter for all white cast. since when are egyptians not white? all i know are. it's true-- all the egyptians rupert knows are white. well, actually, more of a distressed linen. the point is, rupert's a modern guy. he has tons of minority friends who are white. in fact, he's so committed to diversity, almost every anchor at fox news looks like an ancient egyptian. ( cheers and applause ) me, too. and you know they're the real deal because they've had their brains removed through their noses. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ) just take a closer look. it works how you want to work. with a fidelity investment professional... or managing your investments on your own. helping you find new ways to plan for retirement. and save on taxes where you can. so you can invest in the life that you want today. tap into the full power of your fidelity greenline. call or come in today for a free one-on-one review.

♪ let's spark the fire. use your mastercard with apple pay okay handbag out there...surprise!! and you could get a priceless surprise. woah!! who's next? four!! from golf experiences to concert tickets. ♪ so much cooler when you do it do it do it. ♪ ♪ let's spark the fire. even the chance to meet gwen stefani. ♪ let's spark the fire. cool hair ah! haha priceless. ♪ everybody let's go!

smaug ( cheers and applause ).

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the show, everybody. now, longtime viewers-- folks, longtime viewers of my wrist will know that i've been wearing this red blais braislet for seven years. it's part of my wriststrong campaign in which i single wristedly raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the yellow ribbon fund, which assists injured service members and their families. it's a perfect fit. ( applause ) because i believe nothing says yellow ribbon like red bracelets. when the iraq war ended in 2010, i took one wriststrong bracelet off, and now i can take the last one off. >> this morning a milestone in the war in afghanistan. the united states and nato officially ended their gas exwat mission. >> in afghanistan, the u.s. and nato officially closed their combat mission after more than 13 years. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, all right, there we go. here we go. boom! now, i am-- i am sorry that our troops in afghanistan are not getting a parade like the one

the iraq veterans didn't get. i don't be the problem. there must be a worldwide confetti shortage. so before i go off the air, i'm going to raise a little more green one last time for the yellow ribbon fund. ( cheers and applause ). tonight, i am raffling off parts of my set. steve, tell them what they could win. >> well, stephen, the first-place winner will take home the actual stephen colbert desk, made of 100% genuine material. this timeless classic is shaped like a giant "c," or a severely misshapen "u." this very desk witnessed the countless historic moments on the "colbert report," such as the time stephen colbert announced this raffle. >> thanks, steve, that stowndz soundz-- >> that's not all. the second-place winner upon take home this beautiful the "colbert report" fake fireplace, futuring everything you see here-- a genuine faux marble

mantel. a butter soft and butter-stained leather armchair, and 40-inch flatron standard depth display with along video of a roaring fire. oh, my god! i'm on fire! i'm in hell! ah! it burbs! it burns. >> stephen: thanks steve. to win go to omaze.com/colbert, and you'll be entered in the raffle for every $10 you donate. the more you donate, the more chances you have to win. remember, it's all for a good cause, because the money will be split equally between the yellow ribbon fund, and our friends at donor choose. best of all, you'll be helping me clear out my studio before next thursday or i don't get my security deposit back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock. ♪ there should be a truck leaving now. i got it. now jump off the bridge. what? in 3...2...1... are you kidding me? go. right on time. right now, over 20,000 trains are running reliably. we call that predictable. thrillingly predictable.

if every driver in the u.s. kept here's a qtheir car's you: tires properly inflated, how many gallons of fuel could america save each year? up to 2 billion gallons? 4 billion? 6 billion? the answer is... up to 4 billion gallons. by keeping your tires properly inflated, you can increase your car's fuel economy and reduce its co2 emissions. take the energy quiz -- round 2. energy lives here. boy: you ready for this? dad: ready. vo: with the innovation of intel, your creativity can shine this holiday. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy.

this is matt.r whatever? we saw him holding a bud light. which means he's up for whatever. yes sir! how about a chest bump? ♪ sfx: crowd cheers whoa! look at that! ♪ what is this? game ball. whoa! whoa. up for whatever! whoo! bud light, the perfect beer for whatever happens. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks very much. welcome back everybody my guest tonight has claws like spears. a tail like a thunder back in a moment, wings like a hurricane, and breath like death, please welcome the last great fire drake of the third age, smaug!

( cheers and applause ) now, smaug, where's the dragon? smaug, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) i want you to know they am not intimidated by you, even though you have a reputation as a tough interview because you often eat the host. >> i eat a lot of things, stephen. but you needn't worry. you're my last interview of the day. i've already filled up on the few. >> stephen: well, that's good to know.

now, smaug the impenetrable, thank you for being here. it's an honor. >> yes. i imagine it is. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, i think you and i have a lot in common. we both live in gated communities and we're both fiscal conservatives who sleep on giant piles of money. >> quite right! time to return to the gold standard. rand paul, 2016! yeah! get in, rand! >> stephen: now, i like your style, but not everybody does. >> really? >> stephen: no. so let's go over your resume. you're centuries old. >> correct. >> stephen: you destroyed dale. >> correct. >> stephen: you captured the dwarf kingdom and all its treasures. all very impressive. >> thank you. >> stephen: yet, in this movie you come offaise bad guy. why that? >> it's typical liberal hollywood bias. it's hard for conservatives to get good roles in this town. that's why kelsey grammar and i are always up for the same part. >> stephen: okay, but-- over

here, big guy. don't eat the audience. come oover here. look, you're not playing the dragon card here, are you, smaug, because not all dragons get bad press. >> stephen, i'm not asking for sympathy, but i am talking about real dragons, not the lizards of can the game of thrones." god, it disuftz me. >> stephen: okay, what about toothless from "how to train your dragon." he's the hero. >> no, he's not a hero. he is a captive who allows himself to be ridden by filthy children. more like bull. i am an old-school, keeping it real, " why o, doing what dragn do. boom. i'm the original radar. i invented the hostile takeover. i take your treasure. i drink your milk shake. >> stephen: okay. i get your point.

stay with me. stay with me. come on. now, listen what about looking out for the little guy. >> stephen: did you or did not not try to kill bill bo? >> stephen what, would do you if someone broke into your house wearing a hoodie. i was standing my ground. do you have a problem with that? >> stephen: no, no, no. no, i don't. let's talk about the new film "the battle of the five armies." tell me, does it stay true to the book? >> i actually haven't read the obamacare so don't spoil it, please. >> stephen: oh, really? well, then, i think the ending is going to get you right here. and i think we have a clip. do we need to set this up? >> what are you talking about? no, i don't like this. i don't know what they sent. this is always so embarrassing. i'm blushing. i can turn my head away without killing anyone? >> stephen: jimmy?

♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. that looked dangerous. do you do your own stunts?

>> yes. but most of it is c.g.i. i think we have a photo from the set somewhere. do we? to show the audience. >> stephen: jim. >> motion capture can be so genius. i spent most of the movie reciting lines to a tennis ball on a stick. and i'm not even talking about orlando bloom. >> stephen: okay, enough. can we talk about the real smaug? >> it's smoug? >> stephen: smauk. >> smoug. >> stephen: smauk. >> i don't hear the difference. >> just call me dude. >> stephen: dude, you've been called a most specially greedy strong and wicked worm. how does that make you feel? >> pretty excited in a wormy kind of way. who was it who said that? was it peter jackson? did he say that? >> stephen: no, actually it was professor tolken.

>> who? >> stephen: forget about it. look, we've got to go, but before we do, any upcoming projects? >> you know, i was offered on a role on "sherlock." i turned them down, of course. i mean, who wants to play second fiddle to that hack cumberbatch? >> stephen: well, martin freeman doesn't seem to mind. >> martin's cheap. he doesn't need much feeding, apparently. sweet, little martin. little, little, little man. >> stephen: yeah, but he got the better of you, though, didn't he? bilbo, he tricked you. >> no. >> stephen: you know, there's that moment in the second movie when you finish toying with him and you rear back. you're like how do you choose to die? >> that's not how i did it, but carry on. >> stephen: yes it was. and he pops on the ring and he disappears. and you're like "wha-what?"

>> i see, stephen. did my people not tell you? >> stephen: tell me what? >> never laugh at a live dragon ( bleep ). >> stephen: we'll be right take a closer look at your fidelity green line and you'll see just how much it has to offer, especially if you're thinking of moving an old 401(k) to a fidelity ira. it gives you a wide range of investment options...

and the free help you need to make sure your investments fit your goals -- and what you're really investing for. tap into the full power of your fidelity green line. call today and we'll make it easy to move that old 401(k) to a fidelity rollover ira. ♪ let's spark the fire. use your mastercard with apple pay okay handbag out there...surprise!! and you could get a priceless surprise. woah!! who's next?

four!! from golf experiences to concert tickets. ♪ so much cooler when you do it do it do it. ♪ ♪ let's spark the fire. even the chance to meet gwen stefani. ♪ let's spark the fire. cool hair ah! haha priceless. ♪ everybody let's go!

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for the report, everybody. before we go, i want to thank smallsmaug and all his handlers, thank you. let's see-- benedict cumberbatch, peter jackson, fran walsh, philippa boyens, matt aitken, marvyn young, zoe saker-norrish, philip korsika, mat monro, alexander berson, sebastian bommersheim, douglas mchale, cody amos, jason lazaroff, simon baker, gerardo aguilera, chay johansson, max telfer, aaron gilman, alex burt, anthony mcindoe, ben folkman, carlos fraiha, carmelo leggiero,

caz ting, daniel zettl, dave clayton, drew park, edwina ting, jerry kung, joseph king, julian legge, kevin estey, ludovic chailloleau, mark smith, matthew riordan, merlin maertz, mike clark, peter chen, simeon duncombe, victor huang, david farmer, brent burge, jason baker and matt lappin. ( cheers and applause ) i speak for everyone here at the report when i say, holy captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on youtube. sometimes elevators get stuck and all you can really do is stay calm. or if you are the guy in this video, haul you can do is hit record in your camera while you react to what seems like not only the craziest man in the world but probably exactly how i would be in a stuck elevator. >> what the [bleep] you doing? >> with one eye open ♪ ♪ holding on tight ♪. >> [bleep] help is on the way, help is on the way ♪ ♪. >> stop your [bleep]. >> ♪