(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report"! welcome to "the report"! thanks so much, everybody! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report"! great to have me with you! (laughter) folks,. >> tonight's broadcast emanates from our nation's capital. there's electricity in the air. can you feel it? (cheers and applause) i think it's electricity. they just legalized pot here. (cheers and applause) last night, i got a contact high just walking down to street, and ended up in my hotel room binge-watching c-span. (laughter) well, i think it was c-span. it might have been my shower

curtain. i don't know. (laughter) we're at beautiful george washington university. (cheers and applause) george washington university, of course, named for our first president, george university. (laughter) because this is the nation's capital. i am proud to launch part one of my one-part series. better know "a" america. tonight, america: the fightin' us.! america began 270 million years ago as part of pangea, until it split off, thanks to jesus. (laughter) it was a happy accident -- all he was trying to do is send an earthquake to punish gay dinosaurs. (laughter) in 1776, america happened.

when visiting america. don't miss out on its signature dish -- food. (cheers and applause) look for it under the melted cheese. (laughter) and who has the oval offices to represent this great nation? none other than two-term president barack obama. (cheers and applause) i recently sat down with president obama later on in tonight's show. (laughter) of course, the republican landslide in the midterms was a stinging rebuke of the president. i checked, he didn't get one vote. (laughter) and yet, right after the midterms, he issues an executive order shielding up to 5 million illegal immigrants. (cheers and applause)

yeah. shielding them. he is shielding them. now he's making them s.h.i.e.l.d. agents? (laughter) nick fury must be... very angry. only word i could think of. then the president signed a climate change accord with china, pushed the f.c.c. to adopt net neutrality, and wants to put cameras on cops. (cheers and applause) obama is totally out of control. he's like both guys in lethal weapon at once: a crazy renegade with nothing to lose and the black guy who's this close to retirement! (laughter) worst of all, i'm getting too old for this (bleep)! worst of all, obama is threatening to give us healthcare again, because from now until february 15th is the obamacare open enrollment period, when you can go online and select whichever death panel you prefer to smother you in your sleep. (cheers and applause) but don't fall for it. no! do not fall for it!

or anything this guy says. he can't make things happen. the people with real power in this country are pundits like me and papa bear. >> i have more power doing what i'm doing, okay, than getting involved with the political process. plus, you have to kiss butt to get money. you know, 150 million to run for president. i can get things done like that. and that kind of power i could never have in elected office.'y >> stephen: oh, yeah. o'reilly clearly has more power than the president. when's the last time obama sold self-lubricating catheters? (laughter) point is, i could be a politician like that -- (snap) -- but a politician could never do my job, which is why everyone should listen to my cure for obamacare, and that brings us to tonight's -- (cheers and applause) >> thank you, everybody.

thank you. thank you. stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i didn't expect you out here so soon. thanks so much. (cheers and applause) president obama, i'm thrilled you here but i did not expect you for another three minutes. (laughter) >> stephen, you have been taking a lot of shots at my job. i decided i'm going to go ahead and take a shot at yours. (cheers and applause) i want you to get out of the way. what part of the segment are we in now? what were you going to be doing >> stephen: i was about to do "the word," sir. >> "the word." (cheers and applause) how hard can this be? (laughter)

i'm just going to say whatever you were about to say. >> stephen: okey-doke. okay. (cheers and applause) nation -- nation, instead of the word, let's make this a little more presidential, which brings us to tonight's "decree"... (playing "hail to the chief," then clang) ... to health in a hand basket. nation, as you know, i, stephen colbert, have never cared for our president. (laughter) the guy is so arrogant, i bet he talks about himself in the third person. (laughter) (cheers and applause)

but even i have to admit that obamacare is the law of the land. and while it's been politically divisive, there are things that people from both parties like about obamacare. (laughter) for instance, that children can stay on their parents' policies until age 26. (cheers and applause) nearly 7 million people signed up last year and almost 1 million more have signed up in just the past few weeks. (cheers and applause) now, nation, the question is how do you stop something that more and more people are starting to like?

(applause) well, first off a, now that the republicans control both the house and the senate, they could pass a bill repealing obamacare. but the president still has the veto. and if i know that guy, he's willing to use it. (cheers and applause) and let's face it... if republicans somehow did repeal it, they'd have to replace it with their own healthcare plan. (laughter) and once they touch it, they own it. then if anything goes wrong, suddenly everybody will be complaining about mitch mcconnell-care. (cheers and applause)

of course, another strategy is taking obamacare to the supreme court and trying to get it thrown out. but last time we tried that, it didn't work. i believe there's only one sure fire way to kill this thing. (laughter) (applause) we have to make signing up for obamacare unappealing to young people. (laughter) (cheers and applause) we can scare them away by reminding them that last year's web site rollout was a little bumpy. (laughter) remember the original healthcare.gov web site? i think that's where disney got

the idea for "frozen." (laughter) now, the new web site works, and most young people can get covered for less than $100. but how's the president going to get that message out to the kids? (applause) he could try to appeal to them directly through a speech or a press conference, but young people don't watch real news shows like this one. (cheers and applause) they watch comedy shows, and i just don't see the president

going on one of those. they're beneath his dignity. (cheers and applause) besides, even if he did get his message across, young people don't think they need any insurance. after all, they're young! they don't realize that everyone eventually grows older... some at a faster rate than others. (laughter) (applause) and that's the decree. we'll be right back with the leader of the free world. (cheers and applause) to conceal.

so anna switched him to iams indoor weight and hairball care. now that he's lost the weight, he's a bit of a show-off. just one of many iams formulas to keep love strong. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) my guest tonight is the leader of the free world, and was recently named permanent guest host of the "the colbert report." please welcome president barack obama! (cheers and applause) >> thank you! thank you! >> stephen: sorry. didn't mean to steal your thunder there, sir. sorry about that. >> i will have to say, i felt more powerful behind that desk. >> stephen: oh, with great power comes medium cable ratings.

(laughter) now, to speak of which, the leader of the free world. >> i am. >> stephen: finger on the trigger, steer the country through the worst financial crisis since the great depression -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: -- i am the host of a cable show four nights a week. guys like us understand leadership. okay? (laughter) we understand leadership. are you still president after the midterms? because the republicans are quite surprised that you're doing anything at all. (laughter) that shellacking didn't rattle the presidential seal off your podium? (laughter) >> look, the election didn't go as i would have liked... (laughter) you will notice i made a little correction there. >> stephen: yeah. i had a little thought bubble. (laughter) but as president, the only office where you're elected by people all across the country, you've still got a lot of responsibilities, and my intention is over the next two with years is to make sure, wherever possible, working with congress, we can get everything we can do done to help working

families get ahead, to make sure young people can afford to go to college -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's talk about the young people. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's talk about creating jobs and our northern border. let's talk about the keystone xl. congress will pass that, now that the republicans are in there, house and senate will pass it. american people want jobs. they say it won't create pollution. boo-boo. you're going to sign it, right? >> keystone is going through an evaluation process now, being held up by a court in nebraska, making a decision about whether the route is legal or not. you know, in the first instance, i don't make the initial decisions. the state department evaluates it. >> stephen: but you're going to sign it when the bill comes

to you? >> what i said is, i'm going to make sure that if we look at this objectively, we've got to make sure that it's not adding to the problem of carbon and climate change because, you know, these young people are going to have to live in a world where we already know temperatures are going up, and keystone is a potential contributor of that. we have to examine that and weigh that against the amount of jobs it's actually going to create, which aren't a lot. essentially, it's canadian oil passing through the united states to be sold on the world market. not going to push down gas prices here in the united states. it's good for canada. it could create a couple thousand jobs in the initial construction of the pipeline, but we've got to measure that against whether or not it is going to contribute to an overall warming of the planet that could be disastrous. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: can i make a suggestion? i have a suggestion.

i have a suggestion that i think might kill two birds with one keystone here, all right? >> go ahead. >> stephen: this one's free. we don't field it to los angeles. build that pipe over the mexican border, the other end is open with a signed that says moocho jobso. the people take the thing all the way over the border, they end up in canada, and the canadians are too polite to kick them out and there's your immigration policy. taken care of. (applause) that's free. >> that sounds like a ridiculous idea. (laughter) but that's why you're where you are and i am where i am. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: can you stick around for just one moment? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with president barack obama. (cheers and applause) the volkswagen golf was just named motor trend's 2015 car of the year.

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with the president of the united states! president barack hussein obama! mr. president, thank you for being here. it's very exciting. you and i don't always see eye to eye on things -- >> i'm glad about that, by the way. >> stephen: you're glad we don't see eye to eye? >> yes, i would be worried if i saw eye to eye with you. >> stephen: i would like to look in your eyes but i'm only about 5'10 1/2". (laughter) it's exciting to say the words president of the united states. do you ever get excited when you

hear the words president barack obama? >> no. (laughter) >> stephen: do you like the job? >> i love the job. (cheers and applause) it's an incredible privilege, but when you're in it, you're not thinking about it in terms of titles, you're thinking about how do you deliver for the american people, and also when i go home, michelle, malia, sasha give me a hard time and there are no trumpets and they tease me mercilessly for my big ears or my stodgy suits -- >> stephen: do you do normal things like leave your socks on the floor and stuff like that? >> i do. >> stephen: how does that go over? >> not well. (laughter) >> stephen: you have the nuclear launch codes, right? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: i'm not going to ask for them. >> good. >> stephen: can you tell me if there's a 5 in there? (laughter)

>> no. >> stephen: all right, all right. speaking of trusting people with extraordinary power... (laughter) i want to go back one second to 2008. part of your campaign was believing that the president at the time had invested the executive with too much power. then you became president, and you seemed to have a whole lot of power. >> right. >> stephen: does that happen to every president, where you get into the office and you think, you know what? i might be the only one i trust with this much power, so i'll hold on to it? (laughter)j@ >> well, for the first time, you're asking a sensible question. (laughter) what is true -- (laughter) -- the structure of our democracy is checks and balances, and every president, even if on the outside they were complaining, there's always the temptation to want to go ahead

and get stuff done and democracy is messy and complicated. so the tendency is to say, well, let me see if i can get this done, just because things are so bottled up, especially at a moment when there's a lot of gridlock. what i've tried to do is to make sure that the office of legal council which weighs in on what we can and cannot do is fiercely independent. they make decisions. we work well within the lines of that. but my preference would be to get a whole lot more done through congress, which is why, for example, in the immigration legislation, what i said to them is, if you don't agree with how we're approaching this executive action, there is an easy solution, pass a bill. (cheers and applause) if you pass a bill, then we're going to be able to get things done. you know, too often what we have is a congress that is stuck, and

then the executive and/or the courts end up filling the gaps. and i think that the more we can get congress to actually work the way it's supposed to, the less these problems come up. >> stephen: last question, sir. >> yes, go ahead. >> stephen: barack obama, great president, or the greatest president? (cheers and applause) >> i'll leave that one alone, stephen! >> stephen: president barack we're honored to have you! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) barack obama, everybody! ♪ tell her your love is never ending with an unstoppable love diamond. at zales, the diamond store. ♪ vicks nyquil severe. helps relieve your ugliest, nastiest, roughest, toughest cold symptoms. vicks nyquil severe.

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media access group at wgbh media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com mom! mom! mom, seriously! somhas happened!ful what is it, snookums? mom, look -- the tooth fairy! i put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me $2! she's only given me a lousy quarter before! oh, my. she must think that you are a very special little muffin. yeah, this is so tits! don't say "tits," eric. oh, i mean, this is so cool! well, perhaps now you should take that money and open up a savings account

that has compounded daily interest. heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, mom. i'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard. but, eric, i think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving. the tooth fairywhat wants me to do. you're not the tooth fairy! i'll see you later. oh, man, this is so tits! cartman: you guys, you're not gonna believe this! oh, my god, you guys, seriously! just wait until you hear this! i'm rich! i'm totally rich! aren't you stoked? what the hell's wrong with cartman? he's fat and he's stupid? look at what the tooth fairy left me last night! $2! no way! for one tooth? for one tooth! every time i lost a tooth, i only got a quarter. i only got a jar of gefilte fish. well, that doesn't matter, because i have an idea that is totally tits! totally what? i don't know why the tooth fairy is being so cool to me -- maybe she's hot for me -- but if we all chip in with teeth, then i can hide them under my pillow, and we can get enough money to buy a sega dreamcast! all: sega dreamcast?! all we need is teeth. all my baby teeth.t me too! unh-unh! you still have baby teeth, kenny?

mph-mmp! kenny, think about it! don't you want a sega dreamcast? mrph rmh rmphm! mrph rmh! all right! kenny's in, you guys! tits! [ bell rings ] okay, the string is tied to kenny's tooth. you ready over there? almost. you ready, timmy? timmy! when i say go, you slam your electric wheelchair intookay, timmy? timmy! right, you're timmy.timmy! timmy yah-yah! mrph [bleep] rmphm! i'll tell you why it has to be you, kenny. your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday anyway. you should actually be thanking us. [ mimicking ] oh, thank you, guys! you're welcome, kenny! [bleep] ymph! get ready, timmy. timmy! hey, guys, what are you doin'? we need a tooth, so we're using timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of kenny's. oh, hey, i got a loose tooth right here. you what?! you what?! mrph rmh?! timmy! yep, one of mine came out not two hours ago. uh, butters, could we have it? well, heck, no, you can't have it! why, i'm gonna stick it under my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. 50 cents a tooth! yah!