( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. ( cheers ) in here, out there. mr. and mrs. america. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for your support. thank you for being heroes. folks, folks, for those of you who don't know, we are still counting down to the last episode of the report. after tonight, after tonight, there are two shows left. tomorrow, who knows? ( laughter ) and for a second, it looked like ending my show in 2014 would keep me from covering the 2016 presidential race. but then i realized that's only true if i care about being accurate. ( laughter ) and luckily for me, 2016 came

early this year. >> breaking news just in, jeb bush making it official-- well, officially exploring a run for president of the united states. >> he has decided to actively explore running for president in 2016. >> jeb bush is tweeting as we speak. he just tweeted, "i am excited to announce i will actively explore the possibility of running for the president of the united states." >> stephen: that's right, jeb "no w" bush has now formed a presidential exploratory committee, which makes two if you count the one he was born into. ( laughter ) excuse me, i'm-- i'm just getting a little emotional. i never thought i'd live to see america's first third bush president. ( laughter ) and this is a huge relief, folks, because jeb has been teasing us about running for years. after the 2012 elections, he crushed our dreams saying he'd misseds had window of opportunity because 2012 had been his time.

then last november, he lifted the nation's hopes, promising "i'm going to not think about it until the middle of next year. then i'm going to think about it really hard." ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. yeah. ( cheers ) i mean, i mean, think really hard? when was the last time you heard a bush say that? ( laughter ) now, it turns out all this time jeb was just working through the five stages of running for president-- denial, thinking, acceptance of money from donors, vacationing in iowa, and then the final tragic stage, pancakes. ( laughter ) run, jeb, run. now, nation, i gotta tell you, tonight i am as happy as a pig in a candy store that allows pigs. jim, tell the people why. >> gas prices have dropped to their lowest level since 2009.

>> a few spent, what, $80 filling up your s.u.v. now you're spending $60. >> look at the sign, $2.07 for a gallon of regular. >> you see gas below $2 in this places. >> you can find gas for less than $2 in 13 states. >> stephen: less than $2 a gallon. that is so cheap. now, i don't just fill up my tank. i fill up the whole car. it's dangerous. it's exciting, but it's dangerous. ( cheers and applause ). so why the sudden drop in gas prices? tv, talk. >> oil prices basically in a freefall since opec decided not to scale back production. >> what's happening, because of the rise of the u.s.ole priewrts, opec is trying to flood the market because they're afraid we'll steal business from them. >> oil production here has soared more than 70% in the past six years, spurred by new hydraulic fracking.

>> what is the cartel has done is effectively start a price war with the united states. >> oil war. >> oil war. >> stephen: oil war, it's america's dead dinosaurs versus saudi arabia's dead sign sores. steven spielberg, return my calls. you see, folks, in response to america becoming rich-ass mother frackers, opec is firing its first salvo in this war by opening the taps, allowing the price of crude to fall to a level at which a lot of american companies would lose money on their shale operations. do you know what that means? if the fracking business goes bust, north dakota could become an unpopulated wasteland. ( laughter ) on the other hand, this is great news for consumers, for the economy, and for our giant cars. >> s.u.v. sales are hot again thanks to the gas prices. >> low gas prices are helping sales overall, particularly among bigger models like

s.u.v.s. >> americans back to buying s.u.v.s. sales of the eight-passenger lincoln navigator up 88%. >> stephen: yeah, baby! s.u.v. rs back! ( cheers and applause ) the lincoln navigator, the seve suburban, the cadillac regret. ( laughter ) commemorative black rhino edition. folks, that is american exceptionalism. we seize the moment. car pay gas'um. i mean, fuel is cheap this week. give me a five-year lease on the rolling cargo ship with the aerodynamics of a cinder block because i be we are now living in a nonstop petroleum party that will never, ever end. that's just how markets work. here now to tell me that's not how markets work is the director of columbia university's center on global energy policy, jason bordoff. jason, thank you so much for being here.

( cheers and applause ). okay, all right. so this is it, this is it. gas surprise come down. this is the foreseeable future. it's-- it's-- it's-- it's oil party. >> it is right now. >> stephen: all right, then it always will be. >> oil prices have a funny way of going up and going down. they always have and they always will. they're low right now-- >> stephen: maybe this is the time to dump now. >> i wouldn't want to bet on that. you're thinking about buying a new car and will have it 10, 15 years, like most people, you're better off invest naig fuel-efficient car. >> stephen: fuel efficient is fuel efficient. i can drive all the priuses right off the santa monica peer right now, can't i. whatever handed to peak oil? i heard we had run out of oil in the world, we wouldn't find anything. now it's like our substrate is just a slurry of hydrocarbon hot pockets. >> there have been about four or five times in american history where people think we're running

out of oil, and it turns out people can be pretty innovative, and when the price is high they develop new technologies and new ways to extract hydrocarbons from want ground. >> stephen: how much surplus oil do we have right now? >> we don't have surplus. we are still an importer of oil and will be an importer as far as the eye could see. >> stephen: there has to be more oil-- >> there is oil in-- >> stephen: dijust teach you economics? i think i just taught you economics. ( cheers and applause ). they're so dependent on oil, is there a chance that he might not be elected miss russia next year? >> russia is in severe economic straits. their economy is on the verge of collapse. their currency, the ruble, has fallen off a cliff in the last few days. >> stephen: isn't this a great argument-- the argument for having cheap gas is that it destroys our enemies.

( cheers and applause ). because if we have cheap gas, isn't it-- what i'm saying is aren't those of us on the conservative pro-fracking side, aren't we the ones who are right. we have cheap gas, it's destroying the russians, and it weakens some questionable allies in the middle east. >> increasing american oil production, reniews caduceusing our imports, cutture market share for venezuela, iran, russia-- these are countries we have problems with their behavior. that's why we are sanctions against russia and iran. america is more energy secure, because we increased production and reduced consumption. >> stephen: how bad could things get for the opec nations. are the saudis going to have to tighten their belt belts? and a follow-up question, cothey wear belts? >> the saudis are better off than others. they have about $1 trillion in reserve. countries like venezuela, like

russia, like iran, that need 130, $140, gallon oil just to balance their budgets are at the risk of default and real economic chaos right now. >> stephen: so sorry. thank you so much for joining me. jason bordoff. jason bordoff. we'll be right back twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock. ♪ there should be a truck leaving now. i got it. now jump off the bridge. what? in 3...2...1... are you kidding me? go. right on time.

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i've just got a bit of sand in my eyes, that's all. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. [ high-pitched ] nailed it! [ normal voice ] you're right, that was really easy. i know, i told you so. on progressive.com, you can compare our progressive direct rates with our competitors' rates, so shopping is easy. you don't sound like flo. [high-pitched] yeah, i do. [ clears throat ] who you talking to? [ normal voice ] what? what's on your hand? noth-- my wedding ring. [chuckles] symbol of our love and understanding. comparing rates for you. now that's progressive. [ high-pitched ] nailed it! ♪ tell her your love is never ending with an unstoppable love diamond. at zales, the diamond store. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. thanks so much, everybody.

folks, the holiday season is here, and whether you celebrate christmas, hanukkah, kwanzaa, or let's be serious, christmas, it's a very stressful time of year for us wealth-americans. it's so hard to find the perfect present. for my high-net-work viewers i'm santa's little helper. this is "colbert platinum." ♪ ♪ ( applause ) holiday gift edition. remember, this segment is for platinum members only. so if you had to bleach your regular tying tore get it white, why don't you run along and buy some sweat pants with words on the butt. they're probably gone by now. folks, the holidays are all about family, and there's no better gift for your family than donating money to get your

family name on as many things as possible. it's the best way to give to your community a sense of just how rich you are. just ask billionaire industrialist david h. koch. he's got the david h. koch ( applause ) a at the metropolitan museum. the david h. koch balie theater, and the natural history museum's david h. koch dinosaur wing. the "h,," of course, is for humble. and getting your name plastered everywhere is the closest we can come to importality. but as one platinum family recently learned, immortality doesn't last forever. >> if you're a fan of avery fisher hall at lincoln center, get ready for the sound of a new name. the concert space will undergo major renovations costing a half billion dollars. major donors will have to be courted to pay for it, and that would include naming rights. the lincoln center is paying avery fisher's children $15 million to drop his name. >> stephen: they gave up the naming rights to avery fisher

hall for a lousy $15 million? for that kind of chump change you can't get the naming rights to daryl hall. folks, the lesson i take from this is that somebody out there can make a ton of money by selling the naming rights. and platinum daddy wants in on this one. ( laughter ) so with just two days left-- and this is true-- i sold the naming rights to my show to dewar's scotch. ( cheers and applause ). yes. it is nowl called stephen can te colb-dewar's repewars." ♪ drink, drink, drirch. ♪ drink, drink, drink, drink, drink drink, drink, drink, drink. ♪ drink, drink, drink dewar' des

responsibly ♪ that's got to be worth some cash. hay, here's a fun little party game-- drink dewar's every time you hear the word "drink." folks, i have to say it was an easy decision to go with dewar's. one, their check cleared. well, that's it, for the last-ever edition of "colbert platinum." ( applause ) so good-bye to my "high-net-worth viewers. i'll see you when they line us up against the wall. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) here's a question for you: as nations develop over the next 25 years, the world will have almost twice as many cars. how much fuel will be needed to power them?

about the same as today? 50% more? 100% more? the answer is... about the same as today. by 2040, advances in fuels and vehicles could enable about 75% better fuel economy than today. take the energy quiz -- round 2. energy lives here.

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is considered by many to be one of the best rapers in the world. oh, just in time for christmas. please welcome kendrick lamar. ( cheers and applause ) hey, mr. lamar, thank you so much for coming on. thanks for being here. a lot of excitement in the house tonight have have you on. big fans around here. >> appreciate it. >> stephen: how are you doing? >> good. what's going on? >> stephen: hey, listen, i'm going to start guy saying no pressure. i know you're great and everybody thinks you're all that

and a bag of chips, but you are the last the "colbert report" musical guest. >> right. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: honored to have you on, but keep in mind that means that paul mccartney, jack white, and nav were your opening acts. you are considered, like, sort of the leader of west coast rap right now. that's what snoop said you were. with that job title, is it hard to get life insurance in because-- ( laughter ) what does that mean? what does it mean you're the leader of west coast rap? what does it mean? >> as far as the new school and doing what i do, being influenced by snoop, first of all, and taking the talent that i learned and perfecting it to my own and people calling it good. >> stephen: you call yourself a rapper/writer. >> yeah, a writer. >> stephen: i have been listening to your whole album. i can say i read a book this year. why do you want to call yourself a writer instead of a rapper? >> i pride myself on that. it's more storytelling than

putting rhyming words together. >> stephen: but you rhyme words pretty well. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: can you rhyme colbert. >> colbert? no hair. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: there you go. in i you say you want to give your story to children so they learn lessons from your life. what story, what lessons? >> coming from a dark place and doing something positive. >> stephen: you're from compton, right? >> covmentont r-you straight out of compton, no detours? >> no detours. >> stephen: you didn't have a layover in des moines or anything? you don't chase fame or celebrity? >> no. >> stephen: why? because it is great. ( laughter ) ( applause ) everything else i've gotten is s because i chased fame and celebrity. everything cels just gravy. why don't you want fame and celebrity. >> it's not a bad thing but at the same time i always want to stay true to who i am. >> stephen: and who is that? >> kendrick lamar. >> stephen: we are going to

ask you-- this confuses me, if you're straight out of compton-- by the way, you hang out with dre? >> yeah. >> stephen: you say you don't smoke pot so do you guys just talk about, like, headphones and stuff like that. >> yeah, definitely, definitely mplets straight-up compton. kendrick lamar. why did you decide-- like rappers take stage names, like big small. why did you choose to name jurlz after anna depend rick and senator lamar alexander. >> i just wanted to be true to myself. >> stephen: you got a lot of attention for a song last year, it's called "swimming pool." okay, and in that song you got a lyric here that says get a swimming pool full of liquor and dive in. have you thought about selling that to the good poo people at dewar's? >> i haven't thought about that. >> stephen: just add the word "responsibly" at the end.

hey, listen, listen, there, listen, there kendrick lamar. ( cheers and applause ) i understand-- my understanding is that you're about to do a new song right now, world premiere-- >> yes. >> stephen: world premiere. ( cheers and applause ). >> it's untitled. >> stephen: would you do it for us now? thank you so much. kendrick lamar. we'll be right back with the world premiere by kendrick lamar. what you're doing now, janice. blogging. your blog is just pictures of you in the mirror. it's called a fashion blog, todd. well, i've been helping people save money with progressive's discounts. flo, can you get janice a job? [ laughs ] you should've stuck to softball! i was so much better at softball than janice, dad. where's your wife, todd? vacation. discounts like homeowners', multi-policy -- i got a discount on this ham. i've got the meat sweats. this is good ham, diane. paperless discounts -- give it a rest, flo. all: yeah, flo, give it a rest.

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♪ ♪ >> when i went back home i was trying my best game kept on snapping my fingers like... i'll tell you, you know what, girl? you crazy. then she asked me what he said ♪ a piece of mind that's what the asian said ♪ i needed divine intervention was his religion ♪ and i was surprised, him believing in buddha ♪ me believing in god, ask him what are you doing ♪ he said he said taking my time meditation is a must ♪ it don't hurt if ya try

see ya thinking too much ♪ plus you too full of yourself worrying about your career ♪ you ever think of your health a piece of land ♪ that's what the indian said i needed the man telling me ♪ longevity is in the dirt should buy some property first ♪ you'll profit a better dollar with generational perks ♪ equity at its best really you should invest ♪ these tangible things expire don't you expect ♪ income with so much outcome and yes, look at my heritage ♪ i'm blessed a piece of nookie ♪ that's what the black man said i needed to push me to the limit ♪ that satisfied my hunger we do it all for a woman ♪ from haircuts to awards we like to live in the jungle ♪ like to play in the peach what you saying to me ♪ he said ( no audio ) come back to reality for a week ♪ nookie is power cut on a new girl every night ♪ i wouldn't be prouder you should allow it ♪ a peace of mind that's what the white man wanted ♪ when i rhymes telling me that he selling me ♪ just for 10.99 if you go platinum from rapping ♪ i'll do the company fine what if i so compromise ♪ he said it don't even matter you make a million or more ♪ you living better than average you lose your core following ♪ can gaining it all he put a price on my talent ♪ hit the bank and withdraw hit the bank ♪ and withdraw put myself in a rocket ship ♪ and i shot for the stars

look at what you accomplishing ♪ what he said to the boy i'ma make u some promises that ♪ you will not ignore, you profession unontmouse ♪ as an artist if i don't target ya market ♪ if you ain't signing your signature when i throw you my ♪ wallet, a lot of rappers are giving demo all the ( no audio ) ♪ ya world tour ya masters mortgage i need a piece ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ what you do ♪ what you say ♪ what you do ♪ what you say ♪ ♪ what you do ♪ what you say ♪ ♪

♪ what you do ♪ what you say ♪ ♪ what you do we don't die ♪ we don't die we don't die ♪we don't die we don't die ♪ we don't die ♪we don't die we multiply we don't die ♪ ioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org narrator: halloween: a time of vampires, hobgoblins, draculas, boogens and headless mice. i'm george takei. you know what? let's just get to it.

[abba's "waterloo" playing over speakers] how is it? pretty good taco meat. i wonder how the dean scored this sweet spread. ah-ah-ah. chef gaga never reveals her caterer. and don't try reading my pa- pa- pa- poker face. it's military rations from an army surplus store. i didn't read your poker face, you left the containers in the garbage. oh, well, um, you guys have fun. i'm gonna go take out the garbage. you may also want to adjust your itunes setting. when it's not playing an endless loop of abba's greatest hits, it's playing what may be your personal voice memos. what? pelton: note to self: get oil changed. check netflix for that movie where greg kinnear plays a ghost. no, an angel. and something called human centi-- [abba's "waterloo" playing over speakers] david beckham. dragon turtle? t-rex.

man, i wonder how much effort you put into being accidentally handsome for a costume every year. half the effort you'll be putting into eating and drinking. let me help you, dragon turtle. guys, shirley's costume is once again unwittingly ambiguous. i don't know what she's supposed to be, but i do know she's not miss piggy. i repeat, she is not miss piggy. you're on your own. hello. guess who i am. umm. can't you just say? no. [groaning] pierce, are you okay? huh? what? whoa. hey, if you get any more sweaty and puffy, your costume's gonna reach authenticity. oh, i don't understand. shut up. he's acting like the impression of him we do. "what?" "where am i?" "where's the black boy in the uniform?" pierce: leave me alone. get away from me! oh, man, just when you think it's funny. annie: pierce? you know something? okay, okay. okay.