you're not the country club crowd. i know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. but you get it. and you come from a long line of "it-getters." you're the folks who say some thing has got to be done. well, you're doing something right now. you're watching tv. ( cheers and applause ) and on this show, on this show your voice will be heard in the form of my voice. you're looking at a straight shooter, america. i tell it like it is. i calls 'em like i sees ep. i will speak to you in plain, simple english. and that brings us to tonight's word. truthyness. now, i'm sure some of the word police over at websters are going to say, hey, that's not a word. well, anybody who knows me

knows that i'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books. they're elitist. telling us what is or isn't true or what did or didn't happen. whose britannica to tell me that the panama canal was finished in 1914. if i want to say it happened in 1941 that's my right. i don't trust books. they're all fact and no heart. that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. let's face it, folks, we are a divided nation. not between democrats and rep... republicans or conservatives and liberals or tops and bottoms, no. we are divided between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart. consider harriet miers. if you think about harriet miers, of course, her nomination is absurd. the president didn't say he thought about his selection. he said this.

>> i know her heart. >> notice how he said nothing about her brains. he didn't have to. he feels the truth about harriet miers. what about iraq? if you think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war, but doesn't taking saddam out feel like the right thing? right here? right here in the gut? that's where the truth comes from, ladies and gentlemen, the gut. do you know you have more nerve endings in your stomach and than in your head. look it up. now, somebody is going to say i did look that up and it's wrong. well, mr. , that's because you looked it up in a book. next time, try looking it up in your gut. i did. and my gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. now i know some of you may not

trust your gut... yet. with my help, you will. the truthyness is anyone can read the news to you. i promise to feel the news at you. all right. moving on. bobby, how are we doing? folks, this is bobby my stage manager over here. say yeah. he works here like a mule. don't you, bobby? >> yeah. >> how are we doing on time tonight? >> we're about 10 seconds behind. >> 10 seconds. what the hell happened? >> nothing. >> all right. crack the whip. let's go. anyway, like any good newsman i believe if you're not scared i'm not doing my job. let's run down the top threats to america and see if we can't

wipe that peaceful smile off your face with something we call the threatdown. number 5. the avian flu. sir, you've heard a lot about it. but you haven't heard what's really at risk. koch fighting. the sport of kings where thousands of potential warriors buried in mass graves the sport is bound to suffer its greatest loss since the manila mcnugget riots of '98. i am partial to cock fitted with the mexican straight blade. he's a quicker kill. the filipino curve blade is cruel. but until fears of an epidemic pass me and my fellow cock- thusists will have to contend ourselves with bear baiting. apparently the nba's toronto

raptors were beaten last night by an israeli basketball team. where's the threat? the last time i checked toronto was in canada. what's a canadian team doing in our national basketball association? can't believe no one has noticed this before. shouldn't they be playing edmonton or moose jaw? i say unless the canadians get out of the nba before they sully our round ball dominance just like they did to hockey. canada, you're on notice. on to number 3. babies. there's a new movement afoot to start toilet training babies as early as ten weeks old. now normally i'd be in favor of this. i don't believe in coddling babies. i'm not a baby huger. but early poty training is a threat to our nation's diaper industry. american diapers are the strongest in the world. look at this.

oh, just look how old glory soaks up that baby urine. there you have it. try that with a chinese diaper. these diapers don't run. ( applause ) you people get it. and our number two threat tonight comes from tropical storm will ma which is the last hurricane name on this year's list. that's right. we've run through the alphabet. from here on out, i can't believe i'm saying this, any new american hurricanes will be named with greek letters. hurricane alpha. hurricane beta. this is a clear threat to our american abcs. you know, for years i've been saying we need more than 26 letters. but the media has their heads stuck up their dictionaries. well, maybe they should read this.

on beyond zebra. it will open your eyes. ted geisel was a prophet. he saw the character gap and filled i. that's why my alphabet starts with the yuz which i use to spell yuzamatuz. look it up. plus the number one biggest threat facing american tonight comes from florida where a new law lets people who feel threatened in a public place use their guns which brings us to the number one threat: james brady. brady and his brady campaign to prevent gun violence have been giving out brochures at the miami airport warning tourists not to get into arguments with locals because they could get shot. you know, the sad part is james brady was once a model american citizen. well he was ronald reagan's press secretary. i don't know what got into that guy to make him such an anti-gun nut. but he had better have a

pretty damned good reason. i've leveled some harsh accusations at you tonight, mr. brady so if you won't answer them and come on my show, you're a coward. stick around for more of the report.

oh, i love game night. ooh, it's a house and a car! so far, you're horrible at this, flo. yeah, no talent for drawing, flo. house! car! oh, raise the roof! no one? remember when we used to raise the roof, diane? oh, quiet, richard, i'm trying to make sense of flo's terrible drawing. i'll draw the pants off that thing. oh, oh, hats on hamburgers! dancing! drive-in movie theater! home and auto. lamp! squares. stupid, dumb. lines. [ alarm rings ]

no! home and auto bundle from progressive. saves you money. yay, game night, so much fun. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate.

break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.

>> our guest tonight is an emmy award winning journalist and host of date line nbc. i myself am a long time admirer of his neck. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome stone phillips. mr. phillips. >> thank you. >> great to be here. congratulations. >> thank you very much. it's quite an honor coming from you. >> i am glad that in some small way i have been able to be an inspiration to you. >> in more than one way. not only the neck but the way you use your neck. i'm sure everyone is familiar with the... your little

reassuring head wag at the end of certain sentences. >> i'll give you an example. is this my camera right here? there were no survivors. >> you know what that says? you know what that says? mr. phillips, it says it's true. now, let me ask you a question. >> thank you very much, pencil mac. >> thank you very much. sir, i believe the term is pencil neck geek, but the geek shall inherit the earth. thank you, geekdom. do you see my emmy over there by the way. >> i did see that. >> you have an emmy also. >> i have an emmy or two. >> do you keep it... or two? >> yeah, indeed i do. >> we didn't have room for my others over there. do you keep your next to your peabody? >> that's impressive hardware you've got there. >> for a pencil necked geek.

let me ask you something. you want an emmy, i know, for the best interview of 1997 so you've got some interview chops. >> i believe it was an interview with the subway gunman bernie gets. >> oh, really? >> that's right. >> now, if you were interviewing stone phillips tonight, what would you ask him? >> wow. >> oh, yeah. why. >> why is he here this evening? >> all right. what would the response be? >> stone phillips doesn't have an answer for that. >> you nailed stone phillips then. you got him on a question he doesn't answer. >> stone phillips will get back to you. >> is stone phillips such a good interviewer that he can ask a question that he himself can't answer? >> could you rephrase that question? >> i don't think so, not without a drink of water first. i have a more important question. you used to be a correspondent on 20/20. >> that's right.

>> then you got plucked from the obscurity of abc and placed on "dateline." you were made an anchor, correct. >> that's right. >> what was the transition? i'm looking to you for guidance here. what was it like to transfrigs a correspondent to an anchor. >> you're ahead of the game. when jane powelly and i starred date line back in 1992 we didn't get our own studio. we were borrowing brokaw's studios for three years. >> oh, really. i've been to brokaw's studio. that seems like a monkey cage. they just kept him in the chair too long. you know what i mean? all of them. it was ridiculous. that doesn't convey over the camera. let me ask you something. couldn't have worn a tie? >> you don't like the kind casual look. >> it's very steve mcqueen from bullet. i just can't pull off that

level of manlyness that you can. >> i'm actually admiring your nod. very nice. >> you know what kind this is? it's a foreign hand. you go with a windsor. >> i think it's a double windsor. i'm not sure. >> i tried a triple windsor once. i couldn't close my jacket. all right. listen, i'm a journalist and i have to nail you. here's where i nail you. all right. you are on date line on nbc. name the three nights of the week on nbc when there is neither a date line nor a law and order. >> that would be thursday. >> yes. >> saturday. >> yes. for all the money or do you want to take your winnings

now? >> i'll take my winnings now. >> stone phillips, everybody. we'll be right back. the volkswagen golf was just named

motor trend's 2015 car of the year. so was the 100% electric e-golf, and the 45 highway mpg tdi clean diesel. and last but not least, the high performance gti. looks like we're gonna need a bigger podium. the volkswagen golf family. motor trend's 2015 "cars" of the year.

>> what's the most important thing a tv journalist needs? humility.

understanding that the story is not about you but rather you are a vessel of communication. the second most important thing is gravitas. it is the weight, the authority, the soup bone in the stew of television news. to help me demonstrate of... the importance of this quality i'm joined by a master fellow of gravitas. please help me in rewelcoming stone phillips. ( cheers and applause ) stone and i will now... may i call you stone? >> no. >> mr. phillips and i will now read random snippets of news copy to show you if you present sufficient gravitas what you say doesn't have to mean anything at all. before we begin i want to make it clear that even though mr. phillips and i are trading lines back and forth this is in no way a competition.

i also want to assure the audience that it's perfectly all right to applaud for whomever you think is winning. let the gravitas begin. >> tonight, shocking revelations in the case of an ohio school principal whose filing cabinets held gruesome secrets. then.... >> with night falling and just one flare left, would he be able to keep the coyotes away from his legs? >> if you have ever sat naked on a hotel bed spread, we have got a chilling report you won't want to miss. >> rahid and m.c.fresh jams were dropping bad beef at the house party when tragedy struck.

>> we invited mother teresa to respond to these charges. >> thankfully alert gauchos were able to save the lamb a before it was swept into the blades of the turbine. >> in the interest of full disclosure i should state that this reporter has a similar body piercing. >> with barest wrists and statuteest boat he thrust his fist against the post and still insists he sees the ghost. >> oh, what does it do to die today in a minute or two to

do? a thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. they'll be a tattoo at 20 to 2:00 a rat a tath tath and the dragon will come when he hears a drum at a minute or 2 to 2:00 today, at a minute or 2 to 2:00. ( cheers and applause ) >> nice try. stone phillips, everybo discover brookside, and discover an exciting combination of tastes. rich, dark chocolate covering soft centers. flavored with exotic fruit juices. it's chocolate and fruit flavors like you've never experienced before. discover brookside.

it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate.

>> you know, can i mark the beginning of sorts for us here at the colbert report in that it is the actual beginning of the colbert report. on this occasion, it's only fitting that we celebrate another new beginning. today in dallas, peter mayhugh the british born actor who played cheboca in the star wars movie was sworn in as an american citizen. star wars is an american classic even though it takes place in a galaxy from which i understand is a great distance away. as an american classic it's only fitting that we claim all its actors as americans except al he can begin he is who died before we can get to them and david prous darth vader and the droids. the point is we're chipping away at them.

we got chewbaca. to honor our newest american, i place this chewbaca action figure right here next to lady liberty. with any luck, with any luck these two will mate, uniting america with the vastness of space in a beautiful but unholy glak tick sexual way. well that's the colbert report for tonight. we'll see you tomorrow or as chewbaca would say (growling). good night. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the winter olympics. ilie describe my plan to take home the gold in apres ski.

plus i'll tell you about the grammy's in a powerful cross et with dmx. then george packer, author of "the assassin's gate" is here, to tell us who left the gate open and why would you build a gate for assassin's anyway. very short sided. hope you haven't eaten in the last 30 minutes, america, because you're about to go swimming in the deep end of the truth this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( applause ) ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. we are smack-dab in the middle

of award season. and frankly, i've got the fever. award fever. i hope you all watched the grammy's last night, fan -- fantastic show. and really informative, for instance, i've been wondering who the audience is for this kayne west gentlemen, who does he appeal to. jimmy? (cheers and applause) >> it's a rap. >> stephen: mainly '70s folk singers who dated carlly simon. and that is a fairly large demographic. and speaking of award, congratulations to best selling author michael crichton. michael krot a book this year, this one right here, "state of fear" about environmentalists suing the epa. great read, here's a little taste. >> evan shrugged, there isn't a reputable scientist in the world who doesn'li