and i'm the luckiest host ever. see when this show started 14 months ago i had one goal it wasn't to have huge ratings, until i got them. or get cheated out of an emmy by barry manilow. or participate in the execution of a brutal middle eastern dictator. oops! cat's out of the bag. no, no, folks. my goal was to get bill o'reilly to appear as my guest. an folks, tonight i did it! killer, unveil the banner. (cheers and applause) we -- ladies and gentlemen, we have spent the entire day making sure that everything was perfect for papa bear, bobby, how's that camera buffing going. >> just finishing up. perfect.

i'm so excited. oh, oh and tonight i get to open the last door on my bill o'reilly adventical ender. all right, here we go. let's see, here it is, here are the three wise men. you got the got neil cavuto, john gibson, sean hannity. the angel is anderson cooper, the ass is alan colmes, no surprises, joseph is joseph, i'm the virgin mary and her is bill o'reilly in the manger. got to open that last door, what's the prize going to be. what? oh, it's geraldo's mustache! oh my goodness. oh, yeah. oh. that is -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that is nice. a little warm for that, i got to say. all right, bill and i are going to fix the world tonight.

and folks i got to tell you, the world needs fixing. look at this map from today's "usa today", okay? the democrats are taking over the country. six months ago this map was all reds. that's not the most frightening thing i saw today. check out this front page. and i'm not talking about peter o'toolee, look at this headline, right there. court to oversee wiretap program. the bush administration caved. they are going to the courts for warrants before they wiretap. that's just what the terrorists want. terrorists love our judician system. of course the democrats are crowing. here's what new senate intelligence committee chairman j rockefeller said. this announcement today is confirmation that the administration's go-it-alone approach was unnecessary. go-it-alone, unnecessary?

tell that to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) go did alone. -- go-it-alone. folks, no one seems happy with the president these days. last week he addressed the nation with the latest installment in his 19 part series, we're turning the corner in iraq. personally -- (laughter) >> stephen: personally, i thought it was stirring. but 70% of the american people oppose his plan to send more troops. even republicans are abandoning the commander in chief and joining with the leftie critics. now it seems like the only one sticking by him are laura, his dog barney, and joe lieberman. now -- (laughter) >> stephen: this is ironic considering mr. bush has always valued loyalty above all else. for four years we as a nation followed the president. we questioned nothing. aluminum tube, saddam's link to 9/11, bush's claim that he

really read the stranger. recently, however, recently people have expressed doubts. and these doubts have even infected the administration. take a look at what the president said last sunday on "60 minutes". >> there's a perception in some corners of the country that are you stubborn. >> oh, yeah, well -- >> agree with that, people say that. >> do i agree that i'm stubborn or do i agree that people think i'm stubborn. >> people think you do, what do you think. >> i think i'm a flexible, open minded person. i really do. >> stephen: flexible and open minded? if we wanted that, we would have elected al gore. the fact is -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: if there is one one thing the american people respect, it is strength. as henrik ibsen a true american patriot once said, the strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone. or it might have been madonna who said that. no one is standing more alone

these days than the president. ergo, he is the strongest man in the world. he, folks, he is an army of one. so the the best way to win the people become is to listen to them even less. he's off to a good start. even though 89% of americans support a bill that would allow medicare to negotiate for lower drug prices, the president has threatened to veto it. that is what i call standing strong. nice job, mr. president. show more contempt for us. we'll respect you for it. and please, change your mind on this wiretap compromise. unless of course it doesn't matter now that the courts have any jurisdiction because you don't need any more warrants because you've already bugged all the phone lines in america. god, i hope so. because the best way to win our respect is to know everything we're thinking and still choose to ignore it. and that's the word.

we'll be right back. >> my name is andy and i'm a member of the colbert nation. >> i'm a member of the colbert nation. >> i'm a member of colbert nation. >> i'm a proud member of the got a need for speed? well, fasten your seatbelt. introducing the new mach series ratchet from craftsman. check it out. the mach series ratchet with 3/8 inch drive has a 3-in-1 action that helps you fly through jobs. the extendable, reversible helix shaft delivers continuous rotation, at one-and-a-half revolutions per stroke. and the roto-flex head provides unmatched access and maneuverability. the mach ratchet isn't just lightning quick...

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.

nation, we're about seven minute as way from the greatest tv crossover since the flintstones met the jettisons. i'm as excited as you are. just relax and we'll be there before you know it. okay, here we go. in the world of celebrity it's hard to keep up with who is stabbing who in the back. so let me be your personal bottom feeding gossipmonger, this is "we the mediator" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the judgements on this show are final and binding, and that goes double when i reverse them. last week i weighed in on the fight between rosie o'donnell and donald trump. everybody knows the story. trump forgives miss usa. rosie mouths off. the donald culls her fat. rosie mouths off again. trump calls her a slob, i rule in favor of trump. called justice, folks. should have ended there. but now i'm rethinking my decision. and not just because barbara walters is now playing both

sides like a sultry soft focused double agent. no. i have soured on trump because he went after someone i hold dear, secretary of state condoleezza rice. here's what trump said about condi yesterday. >> we need a negotiator. we don't need sound bites. we don't need people walking off planes waving, sitting with a dictator, waving, getting back on the plane, waving, and nothing happens. we need negotiator -- negotiators. >> stephen: listen to me you blow-dried chinchilla. secretary rice plays a high-stake game that you and i will never understand. she has got norad on speed dial. that wave could be a signal to nuke belgium. no big loss, by the way. you cross condi, and next year you could be doing the apprentice: gitmo. get higher ratings. jimmy, take away trump's victory sorry, the donald, but until you apologise to madam secretary rice i'm giving it to rosie.

now rosie this doesn't make us friends. don't invite me to one of your gay parades or gay weddings or whatever it is you do between melissa etheridge albums. so the big shocker is, folks, the shocker tonight is i have to rethink the feud that is simmering like lamb in the tandoor. i'm talking of course about the bollywood brew huh -- brouhaha between heartthrob shah rukh khan and amitabh bachchan. and indians, don't tell me it is pronounced ummy-tha, if that is the way you want to say, that is how you should spell it. anyway, these two have been feuding ever since amitabh snubd khan by skipping his new year's party. if are you wording why people are answering your calls seem on edge lately, this is why. i weighed in, i weighed in on the dispute last week and i came down to a dance contest. both of the actors starred in

the hit film "mo-habba-teen". and i went with khan based on his superior move busting. it is like amitabh wasn't even trying. but then someone hipped me to another movie starring both amitabh and khan, 2001's "kabhi kushi kabhi gham", jimmy, show them what i'm talking about. >> ladies and gentlemen -- ah, forget it. [♪] >> stephen: nation, the feud goes to amitabh. see how thrilled everyone is? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah. and they say i don't have a hindu audience. those moves make "chubb cay chubb cay" look like "lal

badshah" lal badshah, what a box office bomb. we'll be right back.

>> i think that he should have put the press on notice a long time ago. >> stephen: you guys are on notice. >> i am thinking about cutting off your mike. >> shut up, shut up. >> let me stop you! >> not necessarily. not necessarily. you got 14 guys in the van, who don't speak english, and none of

them have i.d. and the driver says they don't know who they are. that is not reasonable suspicion. do you expect --. >> stephen: folks, we are ready to rumble. and by rumble, i mean a friendly conversation between peers who respect each other and agree on everything. please welcome papa bear bill o'reilly. bill! (cheers and applause) welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: . >> you hear that booing. >> stephen: that is not booing, that is the bear call, they are going boo, papa bear. >> no, no. >> stephen: that is ooo riley. >> that is jon stewart in that played shirt that is what he is dolessing. >> stephen: he is not allowed in the building. he's jealous. >> he is jealous of you. >> stephen: the man is a sexual predator that is why i had to leave, bill. you have no idea what that is like. all right. now look at this.

we put this up for you. did you see that? >> i do see it. >> stephen: i gave that to the kennedy school of government in harvard and i said no, i'm taking it back. >> i don't blame you. i would take it back. you are a handsome man. >> stephen: can you accept that, that you are a handsome man. >> no. >> stephen: you are, bill. >> not from you. >> stephen: you own it. >> not from you. >> stephen: it is nothing wrong from one man saying to a man he admires are you damn handsome, and with a gun to my head, sure. >> okay. i like that, can i have that when i leave. >> stephen: when you leave here? >> yeah. >> stephen: yes. >> i will send it to the "new york times". they love me. did you read my book. >> stephen: excuse me. >> read my book. >> stephen: read your book? i read your book in more ways than one, sir. i'm living your book, a fantastic book called "culture warrior" by bill o'reilly. and by the way, you can get great -- you can get great deals at barnes and noble, 30% off right now.

>> it is a good deal. >> stephen: this is like day one i got 30% off on this, it was fantastic. by the way, where are you on the cover of that. where are you on the shot. >> right behind the 30% off. >> stephen: no, where are you, you got the flicker on, are you not on the moon, are you. >> i'm in the grand canyon. >> stephen: are you. >> that is where it was taken, the grand canyon, okay. >> stephen: did you plant the flag and claim it for is bela. >> we claimed it for america, down there in the grand canyon. >> stephen: you have to claim things for america these days because there is a culture war going on. >> absolutely. >> stephen: let's educate the people. what is the culture war, and why is it so important. >> the culture war is between secular progressives like yourself. >> stephen: i am not a secular progressive. i am a deeply religious man who will do anything you say. >> okay. and traditionalists like me, and jon stewart. who, you know, believe that this is a noble nation, well-founded. we make mistakes but we have to respect the country. we don't need giant changes. >> stephen: we may make mistakes

but should we should never admit mistake. >> we should admit this. this is a huge mistake for me being on here. >> stephen: i hope you can change my mind on that. >> i doubt it. >> stephen: what are the biggest things in the -- you call them what secular progressives. >> you read the book. >> stephen: i did, i don't need to read the book. i watch your show. i don't retain anything in books. they are just squiggling lines. i believe that books are -- >> evil. >> stephen: well, they are full of facts. okay. i'm more of an opinion man. what is destroying our country more, activist judge, illegal immigrants, gay marriage or nbc news. >> nbc. >> stephen: nbc news. >> no question. >> stephen: i'm with you. >> no question. >> stephen: chris matthews with his pro potato agenda. >> here is the deal, nbc news incorporates all of the others into their presentation. >> stephen: so they got the activist judges over there. >> most of them are activists and most of the people that work there are illegal. have you seen brian williams' passport. i mean, he is a venezuelaan, he is hugo chavez. you didn't know that.

>> stephen: i did not know that. >> williams is from venezuela. >> stephen: their entire programming is so unamerican. deal or no deal, pick a side. >> right, you got, you are really wising up, colbert. >> stephen: i wise up because i sit at the foot of 9 master. instruct me. have you ever tried going undercover as a secular progressive infiltrating, because i think if you went undercover as a secular progressive -- (laughter) >> stephen: okay, this would play in san francisco, okay. >> absolutely. >> stephen: you could get a job. >> more than a job. >> stephen: on pelosi's staff. >> i could be elected mayor of san francisco looking like that. >> stephen: would you sign this for me? >> no. >> stephen: all right. maybe later? >> got it. >> stephen: who has got the best parking space over at fox, you or hannity? >> hannity has a really good parking space. >> stephen: he does? >> yeah.

>> stephen: did you take him in a fight. >> i don't want to fight. we're irish guys. >> stephen: you are irish guys, you don't want to fight? (laughter) >> see this is a cliche. you don't want to -- hannity would kick my butt. >> stephen: he would? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you have the reach. >> i'm a fife, i'm not a tough guy. >> stephen: are you breaking my heart. >> i'm sensitive. >> stephen: if you are an act, than what am i? (cheers and applause) bill o'reilly, the book is "culture warrior" thank you, sir. >> great to be here. >> stephen: this is really great. we'll be right back. ♪ ah, push it. ♪ ♪ push it. ♪ p...push it real good! ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ oooh baby baby...baby baby. if you're salt-n-pepa, you tell people to push it. ♪ push it real good.

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unlimited talk, text and data starts at just $40 a month. and now android smartphones start at just $19.99. >> about 60% of what you say is crap. >> i respect your opinion. you should respect mine. >> how can you say that? >> conan i'm going to keep saying this until rossa park's children apologise for what their mother did to that bus company. >> you want rossa park's children to apologise? >> absolutely. >> oh, oh, okay, i'm sorry. i have no choice. >> oh! >> stephen: typical east coast ivy league educated response. we'll take a break, we'll be right back. >> look, i respect your right to disagree with me. don't get me wrong. >> i shot you very near the heart. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: well, nation, tonight was an historic occasion. a remarkable, never to be forgotten meeting of the guts. when two such powerful figures meet on two such powerful programs, the world stands still. the moment papa bear and i shook hands, the evil doers were set back 20 years. that's why i am place on my book shelf tonight this microwave oven that i stole from the o'reilly factor green room (cheers and applause) >> stephen: when i was over there. honest to god. one can only imagine what might have been warmed in this mighty chamber. maybe sean hannity nuking a hot pocket. alan colmes reheating his mug of gruel or steve ducey softening a banana so he can feed it to a chimp in a top hat. there it is. the mom mento of a magical

evening preserved forever on this dvd. well, that's it for the report. good night, everybody. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> folksing i'm here to a absolute the heroes at colbert nation.com. the number one colbert fan site. you folks at colbert nation.com have made me a labor of love so like a mother eagle soaring over her young, i will be watching you. (cheers and applause) ( applause ) ( theme song playing )

-tonight, john edwards spends $400 on a haircut. in other news, dennis kucinich spends $100 on a suit. plus, i sit down with oscar-winning actor sean penn. now if only he would act like an american. then sean and i face off in the first ever battle of the metaphors. english departments, start your vcrs. a dozen means 12. learn to count, bakers. this is "the colbert report." [theme music]

[eagle screeches] [applause] -ladies and gentlemen, thank you. [applause and cheers] -that reception was so thunderous, i might have to have myself checked for ruptures. welcome to the show. nation, i am the cat that ate the canary, and i'm sitting in the catbird seat, and i am the cat's meow. because tonight is my long awaited metaphor-off with sean penn. he will be my casualty of war! carlito is gonna do things stephen's way. and when it's over, all the king's horses

and all the king's men will not put sean penn back together again. [applause] -but first-- wait for it-- but first, when i'm driving home late at night folks, i like to read livescience.com on my laptop computer. 'cause i know i won't fall asleep at the wheel if i am enraged. and last night i found this article. evidently, scientists have found that chimps are more evolved than humans. according to these lab coat larrys-- trademarked-- since, since the alleged human-chimp split 6 million years ago, human dna pretty much stopped changing, while chimp dna just kept on going. all this really proves is that god got humans right the first time when he intelligently designed us! after all, humans were created in god's image. chimps were created in god's chimp's image.

[audience laughing] -yeah. diaper's very tasteful. of course, bible scholars know that god had a pet chimp named beppo. as seen in exodus 10, "and the lord said unto moses, go in unto pharoah for i have hardened his heart that i may show these my signs before him. and then did beppo knock over the jar of locusts. and the lord did cry, 'beppo!' and beppo did eat his top hat in shame." gotta have some comic relief. [cheers and applause] -beppo fans. but still, chimps evolving? it wouldn't hurt to post some extra guards around the statue of liberty to protect her from those damn dirty apes.