[audience laughing] -yeah. diaper's very tasteful. of course, bible scholars know that god had a pet chimp named beppo. as seen in exodus 10, "and the lord said unto moses, go in unto pharoah for i have hardened his heart that i may show these my signs before him. and then did beppo knock over the jar of locusts. and the lord did cry, 'beppo!' and beppo did eat his top hat in shame." gotta have some comic relief. [cheers and applause] -beppo fans. but still, chimps evolving? it wouldn't hurt to post some extra guards around the statue of liberty to protect her from those damn dirty apes.

scary stuff. and more terrifying news on the 2008 presidential election front. john edwards has taken the lead in the iowa polls. yeah. what's really frightening about this is edwards' socialist rhetoric. -one out of five of our children wake up every day living in poverty in the richest nation on the planet. the question is, can we leave politics aside and can we have the backbone and guts to stand up for these 37 million people? to stand up for millions of children who are worried about having food? -that's class warfare, folks. eliminating poverty? who's gonna pay for that? not the poor! they don't have any cash. well, thank goodness the associated press dug deep and reported the important story about john edwards. this man of the people recently got a $400 haircut, which brings us to tonight's word.

[cheers and applause] -$400 haircut. now look, i don't care if a guy gets a $400 haircut. hell, this baby cost me a grand. not including tip! but i'm not the one always standing up for the less fortunate. now, not directly. not directly. because i don't believe in government handouts. this one haircut proves that john edwards isn't really on the side of the poor. what does a rich guy know about helping the poor? now sure, edwards did grow up the son of a poor mill worker. but if he really cared about the poor, he would have stayed poor! just like my protege, the professor. there's a guy with some street cred with the poor. democrats ought to run him. but instead they run salon socialists like john edwards or al gore.

now he says he stands up for conservation and the environment. but you know folks, i recently learned he lives in house. a house with running water and electricity! if he really believed all that earth stuff, don't you think he'd be living in a hollow log? [laughter] -the point is-- yeah. one point for our side. the point is, once you've made a certain amount of money, caring about anything other than yourself makes you a hypocrite. now i'm not saying, i'm not saying that john edwards should drop out of the race. but he should at least run as a republican. the guys they've got now aren't really catching fire. but john edwards-- good looking, intelligent, rich guy with a populist message that's really clicking in the heartland-- he could be a republican contender. but if he won't consider it, at least his $400 haircut should. it would be a great running mate for giuliani. and that's the word.

we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[applause]

-welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an actor known for his work as a stoner, a criminal, a mentally handicapped man, and a soviet spy. i'll also ask about his acting career. please welcome sean penn! [applause and cheers] -thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. mr. penn, thank you for joining me tonight. you're brave man. -you bet. -now obviously, we've got some business to do a little bit later here tonight. settle a few things. -mm hmm. -but uh, i'd like to just start off by saying i am a fan. and that uh, this isn't personal. i admire your work. um, you've been uh-- can i talk about your career just a little bit first? -sure. -ok. you've been an actor since you were, you're very, very young.

have you been uh, committing treason since you were young? [audience laughing] -did you go-- were you training for that or anything? -no. i, i, i'm unsure what you mean by treason. you're, you're talking about pro-constitutionalism? -speaking out against the commander in chief in a time of war. -oh. stephen colbert: ok? -i see. stephen colbert: have you heard of that? have you heard about that? -yes. yes. stephen colbert: do you have that in lipstick on a mirror at home or something like that? -i encourage it. -don't forget! -yes, that's true. -mm hmm. -yeah. -where, where, why, where do you get off? you-- let, let, let me point out something. you, you don't just criticize the president now. ok? -right. -everybody criticizes presidents now, ok? it's a fad. -mmm. -but uh, you criticized the president before the war began in 2002. sean penn: mm hmm. -when the war was beginning in 2003. i mean, you were just like some sort of sunday morning quarterback trying to second guess the commander in chief. everybody supported the president and this war! why did you think you had the right to speak against him? -well, i, well, you always have to consider the possibility

that everybody else is wrong. -that's not how democracy works. [audience laughs] -the majority is sane. you were crazy! -right. well, having been born in during-- and, and, and had a childhood during the vietnam war, there was a gut impulse that, that related it to that. and i felt it was going in the same way. -this is not vietnam. this is not vietnam, mr. penn. vietnam, wet. this, dry. -[laughs] -jungle, desert. it ends right there. sean penn: i see. -i, i see no other parallel. -hmm. that's true. stephen colbert: mm hmm. -mm hmm. stephen colbert: now you went to iraq. you, you actually-- was it for the "san francisco examiner" you did photojournalist work? -for "the chronicle." stephen colbert: for "the chronicle." my apologies to "the examiner." um-- [audience laughing] -when did you go? what did you-- when did you go and what did you see? -well, i initially had gone in 2002 uh, during the hussein regime. stephen colbert: mm hmm. -and then i followed up for "the chronicle" in 2003. and-- stephen colbert: uh huh.

before the war or during the war? -[clears throat] both. first uh, before the war and, and later, during the war. stephen colbert: mm hmm. -and what i saw was a country that-- uh, one of the things that they, that was said to me was that if the united states mission wasn't done in, in, in, in the, the right way, that they would end up as a country of suicide bombers. up until that time, there had been no history of that there. and so that was the beginning of, of that, that happening. stephen colbert: you say that's the united states' fault. that's what you're saying. sean penn: yeah, that's the united states' fault. right. -it's our fault that they're blowing themselves up. -yes. stephen colbert: that's their fault. we're strapping it on them, we're making them blowing themselves up. -y-yes. i think that-- stephen colbert: you're saying that? -that the united states has absolutely encouraged that kind of uh, hopelessness. stephen colbert: well, let me ask you something else about your little trip over there in 2002, ok? before the war. um, any chance that you're the one who snuck the wmds out to embarrass our president? [audience laughs] -i looked and i looked. -did you have a bulky, bulky raincoat on when you left that country, sir? did you do that? --[clears throat] i looked and i looked, but there were none. -do you-- why-- you're an actor, sir.

last time i checked. why should i care what any actor says about politics or international relations, other than ronald reagan, arnold schwarzenegger, and fred thompson? [cheers] --[t you think everybody should, should speak up? actors and non-actors? -but how can you trust an act-- how can you trust an actor? they're always lying. that's what actors do! one day i'm uh, one day i'm sean penn, the next day i'm, i'm, i'm the falcon or the snowman or whatever the [beep] you were in that movie! sean penn: right. stephen colbert: ok? actors are liars! -yeah. well, you, i remember john huston said once about ronald reagan that it was one thing to have an actor in the white house, quite another a bad actor. so in terms of those who are speaking out now, there's some improvement, don't you think? -ok. now you're, now you're attacking the only president greater than george bush. i think we should settle this the way men do. with metaphors. you ready for the metaphor-off? -i am ready. -stick around.

we'll be right back. [applause]

♪ ♪

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[music playing] [applause] -welcome back. we all know why sean penn is really here. recently he attacked our president with a vicious metaphor. jimmy? -we cower as you point your fingers telling us to support our troops. well you, and the smarmy pundits in your pocket, those who--

[cheers] -those who bathe in the moisture of your soiled and blood-soaked underwear can take that noise and shove it! -that affront to our commander in chief, and to the hardworking men and women of the white house laundry staff, really steamed me. so i challenged mr. penn to a duel, and he accepted. sean, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. or is your mouth your money? see what i did there? it's called a metaphor. there's gonna be a lot of them 'cause it is time for the metaphor-off, or as i call it the meta-free-for-all. shall i nail thee to a summer's day? [classical music] [hard rock music] [explosion] -sean, meta force be with you.

-stephen, i'm gonna knock you down like a patient etherized upon a table. -let's do this. [music playing] -now let's meet our special celebrity moderator, author of such metaphors as "the resonating grail of memory and the sorrow gathered in ruffles at his throat and cuffs." good stuff. please welcome former us poet laureate robert pinsky. [cheers] -mr. poet laureate. thank you so much for joining us, sir. -you're welcome, stephen. this is an excellent opportunity for me to promote my new poem, "samurai song." -i believe we have a clip. jimmy? everybody, by this time next week, i want "samurai song" to be the number one poem in america. you are going down, "stopping by woods on a snowy evening!"

right, pinsky? -frost, you're toast. [fire crackling] -america, it is national poetry month. so let's poesy. [music playing] -ok gentlemen, standard metaphor-off rules apply. are your metaphorical buzzers ready? -all i have is this apple. robert pinsky: yes. yes, your buzzer is a metaphor. that apple represents man's thirst for knowledge. -uh, what does mine represent? -traditionally? a penis. [audience laughs] -finally you have one. -shut up, sean! sean penn: deal. -let's begin. computer, give us a category. man: beep beep boop beep boop. -the first category is world leaders.

gentlemen, a metaphor for dick cheney. [buzz] robert pinsky: stephen! mr. colbert. -dick cheney is a lioness protecting america's cubs from the laughing hyenas of the left, while the poachers of internationalism sharpen their guns. knives! stupid! -i'm sorry, that's incorrect. mr. penn, would you like to go for the steal? -dick cheney is the spinster left at the altar looking out her dirty window at the happy lives of the laughing girls in their calico prints, knowing that her only pleasure will be the evening bath she draws from the moisture of george bush's soiled and blood-soaked underwear. [cheers] -i'm sorry, mr. penn. the correct metaphor is dick cheney is a shattered visage

half sunk in the sand, whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command tell that its sculptor well those passions read. -ah, i was gonna say that! [audience laughs] robert pinsky: the score is zero, zero. next category, computer. -no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, now whammies, no whammies! -human emotion. human emotion. gentlemen, a metaphor for love. [buzz] robert pinsky: mr. penn? -love is a fragile flower opening to the first warmth of spring, whose crimson petals are not as red as george bush's soiled and blood-soaked underwear. [cheers] -no. no, i'm sorry. mr. colbert for the steal. -love is a full length mirror? [cheers]

-that's, that's incorrect. the correct metaphor was love is a battlefield. a battlefield. the score is still zero to zero. and the next category is-- computer? man: beep beep beep boop beep boop. -occupations. gentlemen, a metaphor for an accountant. [buzz] --[in unison] an accountant is a manila envelope yellowed with age that fell between the filing cabinet and the wall. trapped, alone, parched. [cheers] -that is correct. that is correct. you both get one point, which means-- sean penn: but, but, but, but uh, i wasn't finished. [clears throat] lacking even the moisture of george bush's

soiled and blood-soaked underwear. robert pinsky: i'm sorry. i'm sorry, the point goes to mr. colbert. -yes! [ding] man: bloop! -that sound-- [audience laughing] -that sound means, that sound means it's time for our final round, which is worth 10 million points. it could decide the winner. and this one is a visual clue. computer? for what is this a metaphor? [buzz] robert pinsky: mr. colbert? -oh i, wait-- i know this one. oh, uh, it's on the tip of my tongue. i've got one of those back home in my bath tub. [buzz] -um-- -i'm sorry, mr. colbert. you're out of time. mr. penn, for the win.

-the president's responsibility for a mishandled war based on lies. -judges, will you accept that answer? -oh yeah. -yes. -yeah! -what? what? [cheers] -that's not fair! robert pinsky: that is correct. that is correct. the final score is sean penn, 10 million, stephen colbert, one. mr. penn, you are the winner. -yes! yes! -that's a rip off! this is my show! and i tried so hard. audience: aww. -who cares about this stupid contest? i've got a metaphor. sean penn is a big mean jerk and i hate you! i hate you! i hate you, sean penn! -oh, this is embarrassing. -[sobbing] -here. here's a handkerchief. it's ok. -[sobbing] -all right. all right.

-[sobbing] thank you. thank you. that smells great. what is that? mesquite? you're so nice. sean penn, everybody! robert pinsky! we'll be right back. [applause] [music playing] you know, things with staying power. classic cars, classic bikes, classic games. here's another classic: the craftsman 42-piece bit socket set. it's quality that lasts...

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and i believe uh, this weekend sean penn is the entertainment at the white house correspondents dinner. that's him, right? well folks, i may have lost tonight. but i will not be losing my upcoming hyperbole-off against george clooney. it will be the greatest triumph in the history of the universe. [cheers] -goodnight! narrator: don't wait for the government to act! go to colbertnation.com and trade those dead presidents in for stuff that honors a living, breathing american hero. history comes alive-- and in your size-- at colbertnation.com. [applause] -aah! [clank] man 2: sorry.

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. thank you. thank you, my friends. thapg you. please, my friends. my friends. thank you, please. please, my friends. please, sit down, my friends. please. my friends-- and you are my friends-- tomorrow looks to be a great victory for us. and together, through our hard work and perseverance, with the lord's guidance, we will win and go on to victory and we will take the white house. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i should probably explain. i am just so high on this

mccain thing right now. mac is back, okay? he's taking it. he's ready. he's ready to go. no stopping his machine. here's the reason why. he have departmently because huckabee is still in the race, huckabee is taking votes away from mitt romney. or as some pundits are putting it, jim? >> the vote for mike huckabee is a vote for john mccain. >> a vote for huckabee is a vote for mccain. a vote for mike huckabee is a vote more john mccain. >> stephen: a vote for huckabee is a vote for mccain. but we all know that i'm huckabee's running mate. therefore,... ( cheers and applause ) a vote for huckabee is a vote for me. ( cheers and applause ) and if a vote for huckabee is a vote for me and a vote for huckabee is a vote for mccain, by the transtiff property of huckabee, i am john mccain. ( cheers and applause )