excuse me, where are you taking me? if you are going to saudi arabia, you really should take the holland tunnel. hi, i wanted to buy the solar powered self-inflating patio furniture. does that come with a grill attachment? >> this is your captain speaking. if you look outside your window you will see nothing that could give you any clue where you are going. >> hi, i just got here and i was wondering where the bar is. >> the bar, sorry, sir, there's no alcohol allowed here.

[music playing] i ordered a kosher meal is that available? [music playing] well, i still don't know where i am. wherever it is, they better get ready for a heaping helping of stephen colbert. hey -- a shoe. who would throw a shoe? this is operation iraqi stephen going commando from baghdad iraq. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central

( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you! [cheers and applause] yes! yes! [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] yes! yes, i feel the same way about me. what an honor it is for you to have me here and what a thrill to bring my show for all the men and women in the u.s. military in iraq. [cheers and applause] that's right. that's right, ladies and gentlemen. iraq. the country so nice we invaded it twice. you know, folks, a lesser man would try to pander

to you. but i'm to the going to do that besides you would never fall for it because you are the sharpest, coolest, sexiest fighting force in the history of mankind. [cheers and applause] you know, it's my first trip to iraq. i don't know why i haven't made it here before but it's hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. let me put it this way: when saddam hussein got to hell, i'm guessing he asked for a blanket. [ laughter ] we're actually broadcasting tonight from one of saddam hussein's old palaces the al-faw which is also known as the water palace because that's the only damn drink you can get around here. come on! [cheers and applause] i mean really.

[cheers and applause] no alcohol, if anyone deserves a beer it's you people. [cheers and applause] if you get one, hook me up i've had a look around the palace. saddam has fantastic taste. there's so much marble and gold paint i thought i was watching "the real housewives of new jersey." but you know, it must be nice here in iraq because i understand some of you keep coming back again and again and again. yeah, give it up for yourself. [cheers and applause] the good news is you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to afghanistan. but folks, i'm not the only one who wants so salute you people.

here is a special "colbert report" shoutout from one of your own. >> hi, i'm john mccain. as a former military man, i have the utmost appreciation for what you brave servicemen and women are doing. i have a word of advice: make sure to always take the time to clean your musket. i learned that at valley forge. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's a true story. [ laughter ] so here we are in baghdad. i have to say, i'm surprised. i thought the whole iraq thing was over. i haven't seen any news stories about it months. so i naturally assumed you soldiers had moved onto the new war between wise latina women and old white men. [ laughter ]

or to defending us against that old lady who keeps firing rockets into the pacific ocean. [ laughter ] now, i blame the pentagon. if they really wanted news coverage, they'd change the name from operation iraqi freedom to "jon and kate plus 130,000." but folks, this is newsman is here. why? well, for a lot of reasons. first, medical. my doctor said i wasn't getting enough dust. [ laughter ] second, personal. i've always wanted to be able to cook a microwave burrito in my pants. [ laughter ] but you know, there's an even more important reason why i'm here which brings us to tonight's word: why are you here?

you soldiers have already won this war by any measurement. you eliminated weapons of mass destruction. [ laughter ] you ended saddam's tyrannical rule. [ laughter ] you ended saddam's tyrannical rule. [ laughter ] you allowed the iraqis to write their own constitution, giving them freedoms they've never known before. [ laughter ] and whatever the blame america first crowd may argue about the rightness or wrongness of going to war, in the last two years you warriors have turned chaos into triumph. so -- [ laughter ] so the question is -- i believe -- [cheers and applause] so why isn't it over? well, i recently checked the rules. [ laughter ] well, i recently checked the

rules. it turns out it's not over until someone declares victory. it's always the most obvious thing you forget. [ laughter ] well, last time i checked this was camp victory. [cheers and applause] not camp cautious optimism. [ laughter ] not camp don't want to jinx it. [ laughter ] not even camp obviously we must monitor sunni participation in the upcoming elections in january 2010. camp victory! [cheers and applause] now, personally i don't know why all those generals haven't declared victory yet. [ laughter ] for one thing -- certainly -- [ laughter ] certainly congress hasn't declared victory and the president hasn't declared victory.

[ laughter ] but really somebody should, don't you think? [cheers and applause] now, admittedly it would take a lot of balls. you know anybody like that? [cheers and applause] what an awesome responsibility. here goes. news journalists get out your notepads. tv journalists, get out your hairspray. [ laughter ] you're all going to want to remember where you were when you heard it here first. because today, i stephen colbert, by the power vested in me by basic cable, officially declare we won the iraq war. [cheers and applause] i guess that's why i'm here. and that's the word. we'll be right back.

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. i have great respect for the military men and women. i would do anything to understand the life of a soldier short of enlisting. [ laughter ] so before i came here i wasn't to basic training. i mean, the full ten hours. [ laughter ] jimmy, show 'em how i became stephen strong army of me. [ laughter ] i headed down to fort jackson, south carolina, to turn myself no a warrior. no special treatment.

[ laughter ] just like any other recruit. >> take those glasses off. who the hell do you think you are? take those glasses off. >> stephen: okay. i'm here for the army. is this -- this is the army? >> this is the army. i'm your drill sergeant. >> you are the guy in charge? >> i am until charge. i lead you follow. >> stephen: i'll need a bellman because i have a couple more bags in the car. >> pick it up. follow me. >> stephen: okay. i'm going to grab my chapstick. i'll be right back. >> let's go. >> stephen: there's chapstick inside. >> there's chapstick for you inside. where the hell do you think you are going? what the hell? >> stephen: those are the jonas brothers. >> come on. are you kidding me. >> stephen: that's an exfollowating loohah. >> follow me.

get out of that uniform and into this uniform. five, four -- >> stephen: do you have this in the next size up it's just a little snug in the crotch. >> this is your photo i.d. military i.d. no smiling. [ laughter ] absolutely no smiling, soldier. [ laughter ] now, right -- drill sergeant. >> stephen: i heard you the first time. >> drill sergeant. >> stephen: i don't understand. am i the drill sergeant. i thought i was the private. >> i'm the drill sergeant. >> stephen: yes. >> drill sergeant. >> stephen: i agree. >> get down and knock out pushups. >> stephen: you get more flies with honey. >> get down and knock out pushups. >> stephen: okay.

>> these are girl pushups. do manly pushups. [ laughter ] >> this say bayonet for close combat. >> stephen: you put it on the tip? >> on the tip. >> stephen: then i fire the gun and it shoots the knife off the front. >> no, you -- [ laughter ] >> stephen: are we fighting the red coats. >> up down, up down. >> stephen: i'm getting on the truck, okay. >> get back here. >> keep going. keep going, don't cry. i'm not going to cry. i have no place else to go. felt pretty good, yeah, uh-huh.

[ laughter ] i'm almost done with this phonecall. hold on. yeah, who cares. okay. yes. >> get up. get down. get up. do bigger pushups soldier. do pushups. >> stephen: you have to get your messages together. join us tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion of stephen strong: army of me. >> get off of the wall. >> stephen: a little more. >> get off of the wall. >> stephen: do you fill prescriptions. >> get off the wall. keep crawling. >> stephen: i'm not bearing underwear. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the commanding general in iraq. you better learn to clap and salute at the same time. please welcome general ray o odienro. thank you so much. please, have a seat. general, welcome. thank you so much for coming on here. i have to say i'm a little intimidated not because you are a general but because i feel like i'm interviewing "shrek". [ laughter ]

general, you heard i declared victory, right. >> that's a little concerning, stephen. >> stephen: because you owe me one now. >> we're not ready to declare victory quite yet. >> stephen: what is left to be done then because it seems to me like -- well, there you are pulling out of cities, right. >> we have work we have to do with the government of iraq. we want them to be successful. the people of iraq wanted democracy. they want their foam have a better life for their children. we still have a little bit more work to do to achieve that. >> stephen: we're not hearing. i reason i thought it was over is that we're not hearing stories back home about the war. what is happening here that is not being reported that people back home should know about? >> first of all it's the great work done the last several years by the great soldiers, sailors airmen and marines have who have made a great difference over here. last week was the lowest amount of incidents in security in iraq. we're making a lot of progress in security.

the other thing, we're starting to see progress with the iraqi security forces, with the local governments, with the provin call governments. things are moving forward but again it's about long-term stability. >> stephen: after you are done here. you can bring long-term stability to the united states. they could use some right now. [cheers and applause] absolutely. these guys -- these guys have a huge job ahead of them when this war is over. by the way, you saw i did basic training, right? >> i did. >> stephen: do you think i have what it takes? >> stephen, i have to say basic training really wasn't very realistic. >> stephen: what are you talking about? that wasn't cgi. i wasn't wearing a green lycra suit with pinbawled glued to it. i was doing that stuff. >> it's not what you did. it's what you had. >> stephen: what did i have?

>> stephen it's hair. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] if you really want to be in the military you have to get your hair cut like these guys out there. >> stephen: i don't know about that. [cheers and applause] >> stephen, if you want to do this right, you have to get your hair cut. >> stephen: but without my hair wait a second! without my hair, what would i blowdry. >> you have to cut it off. >> stephen: with all due respect, sir, you are not the best advertisement for a haircut. and frankly, sir, it's going to take more than a four-star general to get me to cut my hair. jimmy -- jimmy? what is going on? [static] >> excuse me, general. [cheers and applause]

>> mr. president, welcome, sir. [cheers and applause] >> thank you, general. first, i want to send my greetings to the men and women of our armed forces in iraq. i, and all americans, thank you for your service. >> stephen: you're welcome, mr. president. [ laughter ] >> i wasn't talking to you. [ laughter ] now, second, general, i overheard your conversation about stephen's hair. >> stephen: you overheard? are your spy satellites really that good? >> no, but my ears are really that big. [ laughter ] as a man who understands the appeal of a close crop, i say if stephen colbert wants to play soldier, it's time to cut that man's hair. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: what a second! wait a second >> general, as the commander-in-chief, i hereby order you to shave that man's head. >> yes, sir. [cheers and applause]

hold on. >> thank you, general. and once again, my thanks to everyone there! >> thank you, mr. president. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey now wait -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. it has some pretty crazy moves. and these are some of the biggest vine, instagram, and youtube stars on the web.

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>> steve: well, that's it for the show, folks. before we go i want to thank the uso for their help getting here. i want to thank the general for this haircut. i'm sure it will grow back by tomorrow. good night. [cheers and applause] [music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause )

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: come on! woo, w oo! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." thank you so much, everybody. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you. thank you, nation. please. nation, thank you. you are like my anti-kryptonite. you make me stronger. nation, regular viewers of this show know i have a long-standing beef with astrophysicist stephen hawking. what kind of megalomaniac names

his tv show "stephen hawking: master of the universe." there's only one master of the universe, and it's he man. screw heisenberg, folks, it's time once again to say with total quantum certainty stephen hawking is such an a-hole. [laughter] hawking won't even share his mastery of the universe with the guy who made the universe. jim. >> hawking writes in his book, "it is not necessary to invoke god." can you prove that god does not exist? >> one can prove that god doesn't exist, but science makes god unnecessary. >> >> stephen: oh, science makes god unnecessary? well, i say your books make ambient unnecessariment besides,

steve, scientists do need god for when they graft a kitten's head on to a chicken and cry out, "oh, god, what have i done?" plus it's just plain rude. if you take the big bang away from god, what does he have left? oh, he burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. great. he's a high school junior. what are we supposed to do without god now? when i want my football team to win the playoffs, am i supposed to pray to physics? when i won my grammy last year, should i have thanked the periodic table? and when i'm engaged in the sweet act of love making, should i cry out, "oh, friction." [cheers and applause] actually... fiction does deserve a little credit. the point is, folks, stephen hawking is a marauding sociopath