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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 18, 2014 2:35pm-3:08pm PST

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for when they graft a kitten's head on to a chicken and cry out, "oh, god, what have i done?" plus it's just plain rude. if you take the big bang away from god, what does he have left? oh, he burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. great. he's a high school junior. what are we supposed to do without god now? when i want my football team to win the playoffs, am i supposed to pray to physics? when i won my grammy last year, should i have thanked the periodic table? and when i'm engaged in the sweet act of love making, should i cry out, "oh, friction." [cheers and applause] actually... fiction does deserve a little credit. the point is, folks, stephen hawking is a marauding sociopath hell bent on dismissing the
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achievements of our divine creator. you, stephen hawking, are such -- folks, who am i kidding? you didn't come here tonight, you didn't tune in to hear me call stephen hawking an a-hole. although there is little doubt. [laughter] no, you tuned in to hear me make a big announcement. [cheers and applause] oh, oh, this announcement's going to be intense. now, if you caught my warm-up act, you'll know that jon stewart made his big announcement. [laughter] personally i thought he was going to finally admit to killing and eating mo rocca back in 2003. [laughter]
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he made all of us eat his rocca-tacos. [as jon stewart]: so delicious but no, ladies and gentlemen, it turns out jon's announcement was something far more disturbing. jon tonight i announce the rally to restore sanity. we will gather on the national mall in washington, d.c., a million moderate march. it seems like a pretty reasonable request. see you october 30th on the national mall spreading the timeless message -- take it down a notch. [laughter] for america. >> stephen: well, i am sorry, jon stewart,ly not take it down a notch. i will notch it up a stoach. jon stewart is holding a rally in washington, d.c., to promote reasonableness? need i point out that reason is just one letter away from treason.
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and if we had taken it down a notch when the british passed their tea tax, today we'd all be speaking english. so shame on you, jon stewart. america cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. did you even consider how many panic related jobs that might cost most of us in the fear industrial complex. jim? >> people across the country are afraid. >> terrified of running scared. >> afraid of the future. >> petrified. freaked out. >> scared silly. >> fryingened. >> a frightening reality. >> socialist. >> racist. >> toxic. >> anchor baby. >> flu season. >> death panel. >> stephen: why do you think so many new shows are sponsored by depends? tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to fight jon stewart's creeping reasonableness, to restore truthiness, i am announcing my rally. nation, are you ready? [cheers and applause] good. because i am announcing it big!
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laughter jimmy, go. my fellow americans, two score and four days from now on october 30, 2010, i am calling for the nation to join me on the washington mall for the march to keep fear alive. [cheers and applause] remember, government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from the earth, but you might. [dramatic music playing]
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[cheers and applause] so mr. colbert... >> stephen: jon stewart. jon stewart. >> jon: yes, it is i. >> stephen: what, and i say what again, sir? >> jon: and i answer you this time, sir. i heard about your march to keep fear alive, stephen colbert. >> stephen: oh, are you scared, jon? >> jon: reasonably concerned. >> stephen: i will see you in hell. >> jon:, no you will see me on
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the washington mall on october 30th and then later if hell does exist obviously we will see each other, but i can't say either way. >> stephen: on october 30th. >> jon: say it again. >> stephen: 30bg9th. washington, d.c. >> jon: where should we go? >> stephen: people should definitely book their hotel rooms now or their children might turn gay. >> jon: no, no! >> stephen: yes. >> jon: that is not the result. they should book their rooms now because it will be more difficult to get a good room if you wait. >> stephen: damn your reasonableness. >> jon: it is on. won't back down, sir. >> stephen: jon stewart, everybody! [cheers and applause] >> jon: it is on! >> stephen: yes, yes. ladies and gentlemen, it is on. october 30th on the mall.
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because now is not the time to take it down a notch. now is the time for all good men to freak out for freedom. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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welcome back, everybody. folks, folks, my march to keep fear alive is coming not a moment too soon because the number of things out there to be afraid of is truly terrifying. this is the threatdown. [siren sounds] threat number three, bedbugs. [audience reacts] jim? >> pest control companies say they've never seen anything like it. by some estimates 500% increase in the bedbug population. in the u.s., 95% of pest control companies reported bedbug infestations in the last year. >> it's a pandemic proportion. >> smaller than an apple seed. resilient as a cockroach, blood thirsty as a vampire. >> stephen: tiny vampires. can tiny attractive werewolves be far behind?
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folks, we are literally sleeping with the enemy, a ravenous, nearly invisible monster that can inject an anaesthetic while it bites so we don't feel it drinking up to three times its body weight in blood. which i say proves they are american bugs. who else could eat three times their body weight in one sitting really? and these... [cheers and applause] yes. and these monsters can be lurking anywhere. >> you knew they were in hotels, homes, subway, but now these blood-sucking creatures have spread to offices. -bloodsuckers have spread far beyond beds, crawling into some ritzy addresses in new york city. an am control bee and fitch store had to get rid of them, so doesn't cnn's new york offices. >> stephen: cnn is no surprise. if you've ever taken a close look at wolf blitzer's beard. threat number two, folks, environmentalists. according to "newsweek" magazine, conservatives say that
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the ban on d.d.t. is to blame for the recent resurgence in bed putting, and it is true. thanks to the pesticide d.d.t., we got rid of bedbugs back in the 50s. we sprayed it on our crops. we sprayed it on children in our lunchrooms. we sprayed it on children in our swimming pools. don't worry, the d.d.t. did not damage their lungs because they had a thick, protective coating of asbestos. folks, we need something strong to kill them. these suckers can live up to 550 days without food. which means they could not only be america's biggest threat, they could be america's next top model. which brings us to threat number one. bedbugs. they might be on you right now. can you feel them crawling all over you? how about now? they're in my mouth. i can feel their hard shells on my tongue. no, that's my teeth.
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get off me! get 'em off me! here to get them off me is mississippi state professor of etymology. please welcome dr. jerome goddard. thank you so much. are these really a problem or is it just being hyped by the media, like shark attacks or global warming? >> probably a little bit of both. probably a little bit of both. they certainly are increasing, but along time ago people lived with them. hey, you know, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. you just had to live with them. >> stephen: they're dangerous. they have stingers and they inject even come. >> they don't have a stinger. a stinger is on the rear end. >> stephen: exactly, and then they use the stinger to spread disease like leukemia and... [laughter] >> they suck blood with their mouth. >> stephen: what diseases do you get from that? >> as far as is known, they
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don't transfer disease at all. >> stephen: at all. are they good? some bugs are good. ladybugs are terrifying, but they also are good in the rose garden. >> bedbugs are out there doing their thing. >> stephen: but in our beds. that's not their thing. when we're doing our thing, they're also doing their thing. you know what i'm talking about? by the way, do they do their thing down in there? >> they mate, just like any other bug, yes, but they suck blood. that's all they eat is blood. so that's the problem. >> you're saying that like it's perfectly normal. >> well, sure it is. that's what they do. >> stephen: we eat barbecue. they suck blood. >> that's what they do. >> stephen: is there anything we can do to top this rav video infestation that seemed to come about during the obama administration. >> i don't know anything about that. >> stephen: can we make a
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connection? can we stop them, sir? >> there's not a magic bullet that kills them all. it will take education and inspection. >> stephen: we have to educate them now? how much more of our lives is the government going to get in. >> we're educating the people. what can you do. can i just torch my house if i see a bedbug? it's over, leave the country. >> call a competent pest exterm indicator. don't go to some home and garden store and buy something and squirt it around. that won't work. >> stephen: then i won't, sir. i would not dare. thank you so much. dr. jerome goddard. we'll be right back.
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everybody. my guest tonight is the host of msnbc's new show "the last word." spoiler alert: it's zyzzyva.
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please welcome lawrence o'donnell. [cheers and applause] lawrence, nice to see you. thank you so much for coming on. >> good to be here. >> stephen: you got the new show coming out september 27th. >> at 10:00 p.m. eastern. >> stephen: so we're not in competition. >> only for half hour? >> stephen: i'm at 11:30. >> i wouldn't know, that but in the age of tivo, i have no idea what the time slots are. i watch you on 4 a.m. on tivo when i can't sleep. [laughter] >> stephen: what i love about you guys on msnbc is you're on the left, but you also use fear as a tool with your audience. >> when we have ever done that. >> you try to get us to think the fox guys are fascist and cheney is a monster and the republicans are going to sell us off to corporations.
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that's your own little fear game and i respect that. >> i don't use those words. >> stephen: you don't? >> no. >> you never use fear. you never say, i'm afraid, what worries me, none of that? >> i can't think of a single instance in which i've said i'm afraid or you should be afraid or america should be afraid. >> so you don't want to inform america about what they should be afraid of in >> i don't see it. >> stephen: would you come to my fear rally if i invited you. >> i will come to you fear rally. >> stephen: if i invite you. you're not invited yet. don't come unless i invite you. we will have vel rhett ropes and everything. >> really? >> stephen: yes. >> there could be some french tourists who don't know what they're looking at. i'm going to count them as being supporters of yours and in your coward. >> stephen: if they're not americans, ike will come and have them deported, i promise you. what do you think is going on in america right now on the
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republican side? as a pundit, can you predict what's going on anymore? >> this is a tough time for pundits. what we like is a very simple two-party system working within all previous models and behaving the way it always does historically. the tea party has thrown us off. we sit there and we see somebody like mike castle who was running in delaware. >> stephen: mike's a friend of the show. >> he was unbeatable. then we have christine o'donnell out of nowhere and beats him and now has the republican nomination. people are instantly predicting, well, she can't win. well, they already predicted that about her. >> stephen: so anything goes. you're like a weatherman without a doppler 500. you cannot... >> our weather system is no longer working. >> stephen: which tea party candidate do you think has the best chance of going all the way right now? i mean, paladino here in new york sent out like pornographic and racist e-mails and odom in
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delaware... >> that's a good start for a tea party candidate. >> stephen: here's what i love about the tea party. you can so easily identify what the tea party is about because the new york candidates send out pornographic e-mails and the delaware candidate thinks past base is adultery. that's like big tent. >> you're not going to see those two on a ticket anywhere. >> stephen: right. who looks good in the tea party? >> they have a candidate out of alaska with a pretty good shot. christine o'donnell is the one that's fascinating everybody in this news cycle because of... >> stephen: she's adorable. she's adorable, isn't she? >> and she's getting a kind of criticism we've never seen. there are times today when they say she only made $5,800 in the last year. first of all... >> stephen: that's frugal. >> she's not the only o'donnell that had a $5,800 year. she's going to face a line of
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attacks like we've never seen before, especially with karl rove having led it by calling the woman who is now the republican nominee for senate in delaware nutty. and now he's had to walk that criticism back a little bit because rush limbaugh has issued the order that we must not criticize any politicians. so they're trying to find their way into a collective agreement about supporting her. but it's been a tough 24 hours for it. >> what do you think a tea party congress would be like or would there even be a congress? would it just be a smoking crater? >> they would get sworn in and immediately move to adjourn for the are rest of the year. >> stephen: exactly. washington insiders. >> after they've repealed social security, medicare and all these other socialist... >> stephen: don't get my hopes up, buddy. lawrence o'donnell, thank you so much. lawrence o'donnell of the new show "t >> stephen: that's it foe
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show. before we go, don't forget to book your trip to washington, d.c., for my march to keep fear alive on october 30th. together, nation, we will put a stink through the heart of
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agreeability. good night! >> want stephen with you all the time? text "colbert" to 446786. watch videos and get updates on guests. standard text message rates apply. catch "the colbert report" weeknights at 11:30. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: okay. welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you so much for being here. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank you, please, please [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, you are a wizard and i am your whale. [cheers and applause] and it's a good thing. you know, folks, this july fourth coming up in just the summer. [laughter] it is time to light your smokers good ribs are like a baby, they need to baste for nine months.
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but folks, you know as much as i love ribs, there's one part that i hate: the ribs. those bones are taking up precious meat space. [laughter] that's why i've always loved the mcdonalds mcrib sandwich. [cheers and applause] and i'm not alone. you see it's shaped like a slab of ribs but it's just the good part. [laughter] and possibly the bad parts. why know what it's in it but it's delicious. which is why i was so mcthrilled to mchear the mcnews. mcjim? >> there's good news for mcdonalds lovers the mcrib sand sandwich is back. >> >> stephen: the mcrib is back. ladies and gentlemen, for the first time nationwide in 16 years. it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes and then being deboned,