doing. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome to the report. thank you for coming. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, we've got to get to it. folks begun everybody knows it's january 24, 2012, day two of what some are calling the colbert super pac hostage crisis. [ laughter ] last night i ended my bid to be

president of south carolina. and i offered to pay back colbert's superpac from its evil step father jon stewart. but jon refused and flew off in his zeppelin cackling. i cannot imagine how scared my money must be right now. nation, won't you comfort my money by second it more of itself. go to colbert super pac.com and give recklessly. we're so close to a nice round ridiculous number no one thought we would hit in a million years. republicans held their 18th debate last night. the question on everyone's mind who cares? it was a dud. total dud. candidates did not even attack each other thanks to saturday

night live host and part-time thuz anchor brian williams western ask the guests to withhold applause and any verbal reaction to what they hear on stage. >> at applause and cheering is how you know who won. debates should be luke a wet t-shirt contest. by the way newt gingrich would totally win a wet t-shirt contest. baboom. [ laughter ] nation -- [ laughter ] anybody who knows me knows that i don't like children or books or children's books. [ laughter ] but i do respect the free market and children's books still sell. the latest literary trend is children's books by famous folks like john tra travolta, madonna,

terrell owen yns. and daddy wants in. i have everything it takes. i'm a celebrity. i turn one of giants of children's literature maurice sendak author of where the wild things are and his latest bumbalardi. i hardly recommend it unless you are jewish. you can't read books about pork. stick with the very -- velveteen rabbi. thank you so much for talking to me today. >> pleasure. thank you. >> stephen: tell me about childrens literature. you think by writing books for children you are sending children the message that reading is important?

>> very much so. yes. >> stephen: let's talk about kids. i don't trust them. >> is that true? >> stephen: their biding their time until we're gone and they get our stuff. they take our place. it's an interesting point of view. >> stephen: thank you. >> but not interesting to me particularly. there's something in this country that is so opposed to understanding the complexity of children. it's quite amazing. >> stephen: what do you mean the complexity of children? they have it easy. they get driven every place. we feed them, dress them. newt gingrich said it: children don't have a work ethic. >> newt gingrich is an idiot. i'll give him that. >> stephen: he's an historian. >> yes, but there's something so hopelessly gross and vile about him. i can't take him seriously. >> stephen: less agree to

disagree. >> sure. >> stephen: why wroit for children. >> i don't write for children. >> stephen: you don't? >> no, i write and somebody says that's for children. i didn't set out to make children happy or make life better for them or easier for them. >> stephen: do you like them? >> as few and far between as i do adults maybe a bit more because i don't like adults at all. >> stephen: let me just get that maurice sendak children, eh. [ laughter ] didn't know that. new topic. book signings. >> dreadful. >> stephen: really? you must have groupies? >> yes but they don't mean anything. >> stephen: hot young moms coming up to you. where the wild milfs. >> that would not affect me because i'm a gay man. >> stephen: sorry what? >> that would not affect me because i'm a gay man. >> stephen: i think you just

said you are a gay man? >> yes. >> stephen: why are you allowed to write children's books? you are not allowed to head boy scout troops. >> i wouldn't dream of wanting to. >> stephen: what does a gay man care about children? >> they are people. they can't have children. >> of course they can. >> stephen: you are misguided if you think gay men can have children. >> they could do that. >> stephen: i'm sure you put effort into it but it will not work. let's move on. you expressed frustration in the media that all they want to talk about is where the wild things are. >> true. >> stephen: let's talk about where the wild things are. why not do a seek sequel to this? >> it's the most boring idea imaginable. >> stephen: where the wild things are two still wilding

featuring vin diesel. >> who is vin diesel. >> stephen: fast and furious? you do this book you get a tie in with burger king or taco bell. it comes with where the wild things are snack pack. >> it's so bad not only will it sell it will make pots and pots of money for you. >> stephen: can i get the blessing of your estate. in absolutely. >> stephen: do you have that on tape? >> but it has to be as bad as it looks like it is. [ laughter ] >> stephen: let's let the public judge whether it's bad by whether they buy it. do you believe in the free market? >> no stoonchts i can't help you then. by the way, why where the wild things are, the wild rumpus is that -- is that -- is rumpus sex? >> sure. >> stephen: the wild rumpus begins.

>> the whole bed going up and down. mother screaming, father saying shut up. >> stephen: you know making love. >> and being happy. >> stephen: let's talk about in the -- can we? >> sure. >> stephen: this is banned all over the place do you know why? >> he has a (bleep). >> stephen: he has a tally whacker. >> i never heard that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah a johnson. >> a johnson. >> stephen: you ever heard of johnson. a svon. it's in your book. why are you printing a smutty book? >> because he's a boy. >> stephen: you don't have to rub it in our face. boys wear pants. >> not when they are dreaming. i never had a dream yourself where you were totally -- have you ever had a dream yourself where you were totally naked.

>> stephen: no. >> you are a man of little imagination. >> stephen: i love the book but every copy i have i removed the penises from it. >> oh, my god you have. >> stephen: yep. there's nothing there. moved the butt crack over here. okay, taking the penis out over here. [ laughter ] you don't have to worry about the penis. >> not at all. >> stephen: offending anybody. but i keep them. i cut them out in put them in a plastic bag. [ laughter ] >> there's nothing wrong with you, of course. [ laughter ] i am so impressed. >> stephen: join us tomorrow for the conclusion of grim-colbert-y-tales with maurice sendak. >> it's a miracle i have lived this long without having destroyed a

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. aren't you nice! nation, folks, anybody who watches this show every night knows that i am a huge fan of republican presidential candidate and 217th trimester fetus rick santorum. to me, the name santorum is synonymous with leadership. and nothing else.

[ laughter ] but of course the left is always looking to stick a knife in this good man. criticism he is now getting because at a florida town hall on monday he did not correct this person in the crowd. >> i never refer to owe balm why as president obama because legally he is not. and he is an avowed muslim. [ applause ] and he has no legal right to be calling himself president. >> stephen: now, rick could have -- i agree -- i agree gooooob job rick. he coffin ford him that obama is not an vowed muslim. s a secret muslim. [ laughter ] but today on morning joe with joe morning rick explains -- [ laughter ] -- that he had a good excuse for not correcting her. >> this was an elderly there

there leaning on a cane, quite wobbly. i'm not going to sit there and slam on older lady because she has some way out, bizarre beliefs. >> stephen: bravo you cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. you would never make it through thanksgiving dinner. as it is now nana grabs her purse every time someone offers her dark meat. good for you rick santorum for respecting the elderly's right to spout hateful nonsense. >> he needed so say something. >> stephen: i'm in the middle of my show but ins sense elderly you can say what you want. >> i know for a fact that rick santorum running a white slavery ring. >> stephen: well --

>> it's proof. he steals blonde haired blue eyed high school cheerleaders from the changing room and sells them like meat on streets of bangkok. [ laughter ] >> stephen: okay. um, all right. thank you. >> rick santorum threw baby jessica down the well. he was making baby soup. >> stephen: fair enough. thank you, ma'am. >> in college rick santorum gave a sausage a reach around. >> stephen: i would say something but she's got a cane, folks. look at her. >> he had some good ideas. >> stephen: cane or no cane i have to correct that. she has two canes. i guess i have to let that

stand. >> you -- >> stephen: you shut your dirty little mouth. security i want her in a dark room and i want you to beat her with a sack of grapefruits. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. you're going to wish you we what's in your hamburger? i've read that there's horsemeat in your food. what is really in your beef? is the beef 100%? your all beef patties, are they all beef? what is actually in the hamburgers?

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a political columnist for the daily beast. he is about to sit down with the nightly beauty. please welcome andrew sullivan. [cheers and applause] hay, andrew, good to see you again. thank you so much for coming back. >> you're so welcome. >> stephen: though you are a longtime friend of the show. seven times back. you get a foot long sub now. i have to take to you task. you wrote the cover article in

the january 23 newsweek. it says why are obama's critics so dumb? are you always that good at is a deucing -- seducing the opposition of agreeing with you? why not just call them ugly, too. i'm in opposition. reasonable rae republicans are in opposition to barack obama. why are we dumb, smarty. >> i didn't say you were dumb. >> stephen: andrew sullivan don't blame anybody else. >> i take full responsibility. listening to the republican debates all the reasonable republicans arguing and did he baiting rationally with one other and with substance, i didn't recognize the picture they were painting of this president either domestically or in foreign policy. >> stephen: he is a complete nail your. he has fish -- failure.

he has accomplished nothing. they have a vegetable garden and that is it. what he has done? >> the issue was the wars. he promised to the end the war in iraq and win it in afghanistan. he has done both. that's i big deal. >> stephen: excuse me, i know you want to applaud for me but is the afghan war over, sir? >> what we can say is 200 of top al qaeda leaders which bush managed to leave there have been wiped out, taken out by drones and that osama bin laden in the most bad-ass move imaginable was killed and all the intelligence of his compound captures because this man decided to do what bush didn't do in eight years. >> stephen: i'm sorry did obama -- did obama -- [cheers and applause] did obama personally parachute into the compound? that was the navy seals, sir. >> bush said during his term i don't care about bin laden he is

no longer an issue for me. obama did. he comes in and says to the c.i.a. this is a priority again unlike under bush and he personally approved a specific plan including the extra helicopters to go in. it's bad-ass. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: all right. okay. what has he done for me lately what about the economy? people are worried about their jobs. >> you would concede that he didn't create this recession. >> stephen: nor did he create one job. he has not created one job, sir. >> it's not true, i'm afraid. >> stephen: it is because i will repeat it. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> stephen: he did not create one job. >> the worst month in this recession was december 2008. >> stephen: when he took office 7.8% of americans are out of work. it's still above 8:5% sir. check mate. >> and not before he took office

we were losing 750,000 jobs a month. >> stephen: of course, everybody was jumping ship because they knew he was coming in. people were panicking. they knew we would have a socialist president. >> every single month since we went into job growth. we've had job growth ever since. despite the fact that terrible crises from europe and other stresses. it's very successful. people are working. people are getting back to work. even romney said yesterday, the other day, that things are get begun better. >> stephen: that's why romney is going down in the polls because he said things are getting better. >> laura ingraham said it's in the a good argument but it happens to bet truth. it is the truth. >> stephen: who cares what is true? okay. let's go with what feels right. it feels like he hasn't done anything. i don't hear a lot of talk. even the left doesn't agree with you. they are running away from that. >> they are as da deluded from

the right. he never raves a liberal. he ran as a reformist. that's what he has done. in the middle of this great depression has passed universal health care something that -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: okay. okay. look, you of all people should know. you are english, right? are you american an citizen? >> i have a green card four years and i'll be one. >> stephen: can you vote in this election. >> no, just a green card. >> stephen: i'm being nice to you to let you even talk about our politics. [ laughter ] >> i know. >> stephen: you get to vote for whoever is queen next time. in england you have the universal health care over there. nobody gets it. >> you know what that system is? >> stephen: you stand in line for six months and in the end you got a kidney pie. >> in britain the government owns every hospital, ploys every doctor, runs the system. >> stephen: that's what you want. >> obama gave the entire system

to give the private companies and provide a subsidy for the poor to be able to afford it. that was a policy that came from the heritage foundation a right wing think tank. the individual mandate comes from the right. he did a moderate, pragmatic health care reform far more conservative than nixon proposed in 1974 and way to the right of hillary clinton in 1993. >> stephen: though everything you just said sounds reasonable so we'll edit that out in the end. andrew sullivan thank you so much for joining me. >> you bet. >> stephen: andrew sullivan ♪ this is the iphone 6. and this is the iphone 6 plus. you know the new a8 chip is powerful it brings gaming to the next level. i mean, if you're into that kinda thing. yeah, if you're into that kinda thing... watch out for that enemy turret, koshka! i got it, glaive! alright, now let's destroy the vain crystal! wait, i'm going to upgrade from barbed needle to serpent mask. i'm going to buy some minion candy too. don't forget an eclipse prism.

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central onight small town values are under attack. oh, no, did that footloose kid start dancing again? then is the government trying to get inside our heads? why else would they have a secretary of the interior? and my guest kevin spacey stars in the house of cards as a scheming congressman. i'll asked him why he switched to documentaries. in boston, mobster whitey bulger