we don't die ♪ ioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, i find a great new way to make a quick buck, i'll tell you how for just $5. then the president normalizes relations with cuba. now if he could just normalize relations with florida. and my guest phil klay is an author and a rock veteran who just won the national book award. so that's one thing we won in iraq. nasa has found meth ann on marses though i believe it originated from uranus. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central

♪ >> stephen: welcome tos report, everybody, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, folks thank you so much i mr. so grateful that off you are here, all of you are at home watching. this is my last show that this isn't my last show. an i have told to tell you there is some of i'm going

to miss. like my beloved studio. i have enjoyed so many memories here. i have also enjoyed so many bottles of bud lite lime that the memories are a little hazey. but tomorrow i will conclude my final broadcast. say my fond fair well, angry adioses, and my luke-warm lighters and walk out. and then everything in here will be shred and sold as industrial meat filler to a national fast-food chain. now i can't say which one. because they are sponsors. but let's just say that ba-d an h done ba-ba-ba, it's white castle. (applause) the two exceptions to this are my iconic desk and my legendary fireplace. and you can win them, just go to omaz.com/colbert and

donate $10 for every chance to win. all proceeds benefit the yellow ribbon fund and donors choose. but do it quick. the ravel ends at 3:59 eastern time tonight. you will not regret it. just like you don't regret any other decision you have made at 4 a.m. and nation, i just want you to know, if are you one of those people out there who was sad you were never able to attend my show in person, thanks to the friendly nerds at google map and electric pulse, you can now take virtual tour of "the colbert report" set. you can walk right up and you can click on the historic artifact on pie book shelf. for instance, you can see my rock 'em sock 'em robots. and learn that i put them on the shelf back in 2005 to mark the fifth anniversary of the supreme court bush v gore ruling. not the toy i wanted but the store was all out of hungry

hungry scalias. and folks, just because i am going doesn't mean i'm gone. because i also commissioned french street artist and friend of the show jr to paint a murr alon the roof of my studio. jr's work has appeared around the world and established him as one of the most important street artists working today. he could even be the next me, i mean banksy. oooh. whoever banksy is. now-- now thanks to jr there will always be a little something special here on top of my studio to catch your eye. specifically, my eye, in superguy tenanto roof vision. look at that thing. now i understand, i understand that giant

unblinking eyeballs of powerful beings on top of buildings have gotten a bad rap lately. but i just wanted to leave you, the nation, my watchful gaze that protected you for so long against threats that you could not see. also i wanted to freak out people stuck in a holding pattern over laguardia. of course, over the last nine years i have acquired so many meaningful keepsakes left over vaxa products, pints of american-cone dream and my one of a kind michael stipe who has been sitting on my shelf over there for three years. >> when someone stops me -- >> hey, that's you in the corner. it's me in the spotlight. read your contract. so, folks, the question is how do you get rid of nine years of collected crap? well, i did it in the most american way possible.

with a yard sale. >> we put up signs all over the city inviting the nation to come to the colbert report studios for the sale of a lifetime. back on 54th street i got myself a fresh back of swisher sweets and waited for the lucky throngs to roll in. >> everything we do on the show, or was given to me personally. that's my reading -- >> how much for that. >> $1. >> a $1. >> that is abc news, that originally belonged to george stephanopoulos. no credit cards, no it's cash only. you bring credit cards to a yard sale? let me write down your credit-card number, visa, perfect, thank you very much. you hold these and i will write down your number.

266-- and expiration 3/16. and the four digit code. 9-- and was's your mother's maiden name? could you spell that, please. >> this is a flight jacket i wore with the thunderbirds. there might be vomit in that. all right what have we got here. a passport for my balls, and a bottle of-- last four digits of your social security number. >> 122 -- >> probably just give me your social security card. >> there is the speech i gave to the correspondent's association. i dig hitler's gold. all right. that is another $1. everything on my shelf had to go. everything. i even made some new friends like this gentleman from the old country. >> you have a firm handshake. what did you do, were you a butcher? what did you do. >> a little bit.

>> a little bit. you killed people in the war. >> yeah. >> how many? >> this is an american flag mousetrap. what is your pin number for your atm, your pin number, yeah. >> is that one item? >> no, those are two items. >> hey, hey, the dog ate the muffin. that's your second item, ringo or paul. >> i'll take ringo. of all the beatles you're taking ringo? my yard sale had something for everyone. >> okay. >> oh. >> oh. >> i can clean that up for you if you want. >> oh, no. >> no? >> don't clean it. >> no? >> no. >> and do you have a-- a key, a house key or something like that. thank you very much. i just wanted to-- is this the key to your apartment. >> yeah. >> i just want to trace that. that is great. and when you are generally not home?

$125 worth of cigarettes in here, the price tag says $1. what are you offering me. >> 50 cents. >> i'll take it. >> that's nice, i didn't realize it was that nice. i'm keeping that. thank you. (laughter) oh, these are nice. -- that is $1. if there is any porn on that ipad, it's not mine. thank you very much. that was in my office for nine years. see you, buddy. >> hey, guys, easy street soup and-- one of his speeches. >> how much have you paid? >> i got comedy art 2006 person of the year award for stephen colbert. i paid $1 for it.

>> very good, very good people, that is very good sale. absolutely. very cheap prices. it is very good for nothing. >> give me 90 scratchers. all right. thank you. (cheers and applause) >> there you go, come to poppa, come on, i'm feeling it. come on, god dammit!

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, nation, i got such urgent news right now, i don't even have time to tell you what it is. this is cold war update.

folks, if you are loyal watchers of this show you know i have said for the last nine years the cold warner ended and now i have proof because today it ended. >> breaking news, a dramatic shift in u.s. relations with cuba. the cuban embargo that has been in place since 1963 will be lifted by this president. >> we will end an outdated approach that for decades has failed to advance our interests. and instead, we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries. >> what? >> no, no!, bad, bad nation. cuba is an unrepentant communististic dictatorship that spent decades thumbing its nose to america. which reminded me it has been 4,5555 days, donde esta elian? and the president did this, folks. when the cia was this close to taking down fidel castro

with the deadliest weapon of all. and obama oh, make no mistake, obama has got a whole lot of plans to make cuba more libre. >> the sweeping changes come after cuba released an american prisoner along with a high level spy. >> to take cuba off the list of terrorist states, -- >> people will be able to travel to cuba and bring back cuban cigars legally, up to $100. >> the u.s. embassy opened newspaper havana so there can be diplomatic relations. >> stephen: we don't need an embassy in havana. we already have an embassy in cuba. it's called get mow. of course, i-- gitmo. of course i can't blame all of this on barack obama. some of the blame goes to pope-bama. >> pope francis behind the scenes had written letters to president obama and president castro seeing an opening here. and the vatican brokered a secret meeting between the u.s. and cuban government. >> stephen: come on, frank! is there nothing this

lunatic won't heal with compassion? no, i'm sorry, that does t i am calling for a trade embargo on vatican city. americans will just have to live without their major export, harlequin security pantaloons. i know, it's going to be hard. well, folks, obama is to the going to get away with it just because i'm going off the air. ed minute my show ends, i'm on a plane to havana to personally investigate this travesty. i will go through every pristine beach. i will scout every rum distillery and i don't care how many 1957 chevies i have to buy for $200. until the job is done, i will not rest except in a hammock. we will have more coverage on this story tomorrow, or really not all all-- at all. really not all all-- at all. we'll be right back.

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♪some fun ♪some fun. for over 150 years, the bacardi family has made the world's most awarded rum. bacardi untameable since 1862. >> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight, phil klay won the national book award for his short stories about serving in iraq. they were supposed to be short. they ended up going on for ten years. please welcome phil klay! (cheers and applause) hey, phil. thanks for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> you are a marine veteran who served in anbar province in iraq from january 2007 to february 2008.

and you have written a collection of short stories about the experience called "redeployment" and it recently won the national book award for fiction and was named by "the new york times" as one of the ten best books of the year. (cheers and applause) first of all, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: the book has got 12 stories about the iraq war. but do we really need 12 stories to tell the iraq war? isn't it, you know, chapter one, america kicks ass. chapter two, america takes names. chapter three, mission accomplished. what do you need to tell with your stories? >> well, i think you need a lot more than just 12 stories. this is my-- there is my offering to the conversation about iraq. i think we desperately need to be having. and i'm looking forward to a lot more stories about iraq to come. >> don't get me wrong, mi no greater supporter of the troops than yours truly. but the iraq war is over. and it was very divisive, okay. toward the end there, you know, some people thought it was good. some people thought it was

bad. i didn't go so i thought it was good. i wanted to but i was busy here using the troops as a cudgol against people who disagree with me. you're welcome. you're welcome. thank you. do we need to still think about the war? i mean the war is over. why can't we move on, we're going to have a new war in iraq, soon. don't we need to -- >> it's not really over, that is one thing. >> stephen: what dow mean it's not over? >> it's not over for the iraqi people, certainly. we're still involved in iraq. i think that, you know, when we go to war, the obligations that we have, as a country, they're long-lasting. they're long-lasting in terms of, you know, what we owe the veterans who come home. some of them, you know, who need long term medical care. and you know, we also have an obligation to think very seriously about how we use military force whether we have done so wisely and what lessons we can draw for the future to make us a more

responsible nation. (cheers and applause) are they people that you served with without can look at these stories and say i know what influenced you? i know that situation? i was there in that story. >> well, i did interview a lot of people. you know, i went to iraq and drew on my own experience. there's no one person who ask just sort of a fictionalized individual. because i would feel constrained, how. i don't think i could be as, in a weird way as truthful as i wanted to be in trying to chase down the experiences i was trying to articulated on the page. >> stephen: you could be more truthful by making things up. >> yes, absolutely. >> stephen: really? >> absolutely. you know, the perfect example of this is-- if there was a trojan war veteran here and you gave him the iliad he would probably complain about all the inaccuracies. >> stephen: that's not what achilles armour looked like? >> right.

>> stephen: riesis wasn't worth it. >> and yet every generation since has read that book and said, you know, he's describing warp. he understands the experience. >> stephen: well, somebody who, you know, wants to support the troops and even more importantly wants to seem like someone who supports the troops, what-- what do you think that we need to understand about those who served in iraq and afghanistan. and any of our wars. what do you think we need to understand about this experience that we don't understand? >> i mean, first off, there is no one experience. it's part of why i wrote 12 stories, they are all from different perspectives, different nar rates, different jobs, there is a chaplin, mortgage area, foreign service officer, and the other thing i think that is important to understand, you know, it's not just what you experience overseas, it's also what it feels like to come home. what it feels like to come home as part of, you know, very small fraction of america that served. >> stephen: less than 1%. >> right. to the country that sent you

over. and you know, ultimately, these wars are our responsibility. if, you know, if you voted for bush or you voted forfn÷kú if you don't pay attention to the wars at all, probably especially if you don't pay attention to the wars at all, these are your wars. and we all as citizens have a responsibility to think about them and join in that conversation. >> stephen: you went over-- you went over in 2007. >> right. >> stephen: when iraq was the worst place on the planet. the surge hadn't started yet. >> right. >> stephen: and a really, there wasn't a sense that it could ever be turned around. so you left from an america that felt as if this thing was unsaveable. and you came back a year later, had the surge started at that point? >> so i was there from-- through the surge and through a lot of the, sort of shall did -- a lot of the anbar awakening, anbar had

been the lost province in 2006. and then violent radically decreased during that time. so a lot of us left iraq feeling very positively about what we thought had happened there. and of course now a lot of vets are looking at iraq and what is happening. and trying to make sense of it. i went over there for just one week in 2009. hey, it's hot. that's something that might be hard to convey in print. we landed at 10:30 at night and it was 125 degrees. how much talcum powder did you go through? because as far as coy tell the entire country is coated with orange talcum powder. >> it's a very sweaty place. uh-huh. also,. >> stephen: bacon like pork products you can't order it over there in a restaurant, in the middle east, even-- we were on our way through to kuwait to go this there, couldn't get like a blt. when i got to camp victory, there was so much [bleep] bacon--

(applause) it was like-- it was like a political statement. like 24 hours a day i could go to mess and get baconment did you have the bacon experience? >> i didn't eat a lot of bacon over there there were a lot of pop starts-- tarts but maybe we were in different parts of iraq. >> stephen: a bacon pop start,-- tart, you can imagine. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: phil klay, the book is redeployment. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody, cheerses. we'll see you tomorrow night, one more time. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers a captioning sponsored by comedy central nd applause ) >> jon: hey! welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. it's a really special night tonight, a really special night. the great chris rock is going to be joining us. ( cheers and applause ). before we get to that, as you know, as we've discussed on this program on numerous occasions, america, america