>> stephen: i'm always excited, jon. >> jon: but tonight's very special show. very exciting show. >> stephen: i like to think every show is special, jon. it's a little something called professionalisprofessionalism. >> jon: obviously you're not ready to share any feelings yet. >> stephen: what feelings? i'm an emotionless, igneous news rock. >> jon: okay, i just want to say, have a great show. and are you ready? >> stephen: i'm more than ready, jon. in fact, jimmy? grab it. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen!

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, nation. thank you. please, sit down, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know i need your strength. thank you, nation. thank you for joining us. and good to have you with us. nation, i know that this is-- i know that this is an emotional night for a lot of you, so i want to start the show tonight with something a little more upbeat-- syria. ( laughter ) that country is going down the toilet, but for the first time, they know who to call to unclog it. >> the phones are ringing off the hook at mark-1 plumbing in texas city. it's all because of this photo posted on an islamic militant group's twitter feed. it shows one of the company's old work trucks turned into an

anti-aircraft-firing weapon on the front lines of syria's civil war. >> look at this picture. mark's company logo and his phone number still clear as day on the the side of that truck. >> stephen: yes, a texas plumber's work truck showed up in syria. although, pickup truck, desert, giant machine gun-- that could still be texas. ( cheers and applause ). now, evidently-- thank you for your service, texas. evidently, the truck's former owner mark oberholtzer of mark-1 plumbing sold his company truck and has no idea how it wound up in syria. since this photo emerged, his business has been flooded with phone calls and some threats. so just to clear things up-- mark-1 plumbing has had to change their outgoing voice mail. >> howdy, this is mark with mark 1 plumbing. if you need to reseal your bathtub, press one. if you're looking to commit atrocities based on a warped interpretation of quranic verse, that ain't me. but if you need a pipe bomb, i can meet you halfway.

( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: and, nation, i also have a little happy news for the colbert nation. last week, i put my desk and fireplace up for raffle with the proceeds going to the yellow ribbon fund and donors choose. and i am proud to announce we raised $313,000. ( cheers and applause ). boom! congratulations. that's pretty good. 313, that's a lot of green, daddy. congratulations to winners michelle olson and tom laudate. and i am trusting you guys. i don't want to see my desk show up on the battlefields of syria. okay? now, folks, if this is your first time tuning into the the "colbert report," i have some terrible news. ( laughter ) this, in fact is your last time tuning into the "colbert

report." until-- no, no, no! folks, until 10 years from now, when they reboot it directed by j.j. abrams. man, i am going to wreck some ( bleep ) with one of those new lightsabers. now, because i am a transformational historical figure-- that is, i have been on tv-- many of the thinkerati out there are asking what might legacy is. well, ultimately, i believe history will be my judge. so i'm going to tell history what to say, and that brings us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ) same to you, pal. folks, let's not pussy foot around here. i had a huge impact. need more evidence? maybe you should ask the saginaw spirit minimascot steagle coldbeagle the eagle. okay. that happened. i don't remember cronkite ever having a mascot. but, folks, i'm not here to brag

about having changed the world. now i did something much harder than change the world. folks, i-- i samed the world. now, does that sound stupid? well, they said i sounded stupid back in 2005, so that's the same. ( laughter ) and, folks, look around. another-- another bush governor is running for the white house. people on tv are defending torture. we are sending troops into iraq. and just take the n.b.a. championships, both in 2005 and 2014. i had to look up who won. now, folks, if you remember, when should show began, i promised you a revolution, and i delivered. because technically one revolution is 360 degrees right

back to where we were. ( cheers and applause ) that's the truth. but like mary poppins or gandhi, gandhi-- i get them confused. i think they both had those flying umbrellas. folks, now-- ( laughter ) now it is time for me to go. and-- >> ooh! >> stephen: no, and while i've always reminded you to be afraid, folks, i don't want you to worry. you see, on my very first show, i told you truth doesn't come from your head. it comes from your gut. and back then, my gut made you a promise. i know some of you may not trust your gut yet, but with my help, you will. and you did. ( cheers and applause ) because the truthiness is-- ( applause ) i'll join that. i'll join that. whatever we're applauding right

now, i'm in. because the truthiness is all those incredible things people say i did-- running for president. saving the olympics. colbert super pac. treadmill in space. the rally to restore sanity and/or fear and/or cat stevens' career-- none of that, none of that was really me. you, the nation, did all of that. i just got paid for it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) thanks. thanks. that was-- that was really cool of you guys. ( laughter ) folks, i knew you could do it, because you're america, goddamn it. ( cheers and applause ). u.s.a. number one. you put a man on the moon. and he started mtv up there. ( laughter ) so in the annals of history-- or whatever orifice they stuff it in-- let no one say what we did together was not important or

influential or importu-lential. you see, from the beginning, from the beginning of my show, it was my goal to live up to the name of this network, influence central. and if we all we achieved over the last nine years was to come into your home each night and help you make a difficult day a little bit better, man, what a waste. and, nation, i want you to know, if i had to do it all again, if i could do it with you, i would do it the same. ( cheers and applause ) and that's the word. we'll be right back.

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and discover an exciting combination of tastes. rich, dark chocolate covering soft centers. flavored with exotic fruit juices. it's chocolate and fruit flavors like you've never experienced before. discover brookside. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. now, folks, before the show ends, i just have to thank one special person-- if by person you mean corporation and i usually to. so here's one last shout-out. >> hey! >> stephen: to the prescott group. yes, prescott the petro-agro-pharma-lobbying-chem- petro-agro-pharma-lobbying-chem- glomerate-cum-hedge fund that has given me constant and generous support from day one asking nothing in return but my slavish willingness to promote their brand. folks i may be going off the air but i'll always be part of the prescott family of products, because of a lab accident involving formula 401 my d.n.a. has been mixed into a lot of

them. speaking of lab accidents, prescott pharmaceutical, remember their motto-- how do you get to prescott headquarters? malpractice, malpractice, malpractice. ( cheers and applause ). this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, t.f.a. >> what are you doing? no! ( screaming ) no! there's no pulse. or skin. he's dead. i gotta get rid of this thing. good-bye. this is the best day of my-- oh, god! oh! oh! still a big fan! wait a second. i don't have a guest tonight. wait a minute!

i just killed death. that means i am immortal! nothing can stop me now. nothing can stop me now. we'll be right back. this is a pip. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it.

we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. ♪ ah, ♪ h it. ♪ push it. ♪ p...push it real good! ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ oooh baby baby...baby baby. if you're salt-n-pepa, you tell people to push it. ♪ push it real good. it's what you do. ♪ ah. push it. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. ♪ ah. push it. i'm pushing. i'm pushing it real good!

as nations develop over the next here's a 25 years,for you: the world will have almost twice as many cars. how much fuel will be needed to power them? about the same as today? 50% more? 100% more? the answer is... about the same as today. by 2040, advances in fuels and vehicles could enable about 75% better fuel economy than today. take the energy quiz -- round 2. energy lives here.

>> stephen: oh, hi. thanks very much. welcome back. thanks, everybody.

look-- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much. welcome back, mortal nation. thanks for taking some of your rapidly dwindling time on earth to be with me. i've been sitting here for either two minutes or 200 years. i can't tell the difference anymore because i'm deathless. i gotta tell i, my first impression of immortality, it feels okay. kind of lonely, a little snacky. overall, though, pretty good. i can see why god went this way. now they can't die, i guess i don't need my bucket list anymore. there was a lot of good stuff on here-- visit every continent. go bungee jumping. chicken wings. popcorn shrimp. nachos. it kind of turned into a list of things i wanted to eat out of a bucket. anyway-- the point is, i'm end, the report. and i was going to say good-bye, but now that i'll live forever, who knows? i mean, i guess what i'm trying to say is...

♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when ♪ but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away ♪ so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i won't be long ♪ they'll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song ♪ we'll meet again

don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away ♪ so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i won't be long ♪ they'll be happy to know that as you saw me go

i was singing this song ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away ♪ so will you please say hello to the folks that i know tell them i won't be long

♪ they'll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ keep smiling through just like you always do till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away ♪ so will you please say hello

to the folks that i know tell them i won't be long ♪ they'll be happy to know that as you saw me go i was singing this song ♪ we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but i know we'll meet again some sunny day ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪

>> stephen: what do i do now? huh? >> ho-ho-ho. hello, stephen. >> stephen: santa. >> and i'm not alone. >> how do you do? >> stephen: abraham lincoln? >> i enjoyed watching your show, stephen. >> stephen: it's true. you are a unicorn. >> and they thought mary todd was crazy. >> stephen: but, santa, it's not even christmas. why are you here? >> don't ask me. ask the one with all the answers. >> stephen: the one with all the answers? is it-- it is you. >> hello, stephen. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: "jeopardy's" alex

trebek. oh, mr. trebek, where will we go? what will we do? >> you got that exactly right. all of life's important answers must be in the form of a question. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so i guess i'll be gone forever. >> oh, no, no, no, stephen. we'll always be there for the american people whenever they need us the most. >> stephen: yeah, but aren't you canadian? ( laughter ). >> i've have dual citizenship since 1998. >> stephen: yeah, that's not the same. >> ready, stephen? >> yes, sir, mr. president. >> ho-ho-ho. >> tell lorraine i love her. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back!

what you're doing now, janice. blogging. your blog is just pictures of you in the mirror. it's called a fashion blog, todd. well, i've been helping people save money with progressive's discounts. flo, can you get janice a job? [ laughs ] you should've stuck to softball! i was so much better at softball than janice, dad. where's your wife, todd? vacation. discounts like homeowners', multi-policy -- i got a discount on this ham. i've got the meat sweats. this is good ham, diane. paperless discounts -- give it a rest, flo. all: yeah, flo, give it a rest.

>> stephen. >wake up.stephen, you gotta wak. it's time. >> stephen: oh. oh, thanks. oh, oh, well, folks, we've finally come to the end of the the "colbert report." nine great years, 14,047 wonderful episodes. i just have too many people to thank. first and foremost, everybody who worked so hard every day to make something special. all of our friends and families for putting up with our long hours. the network for giving us the chance to begin with. ( applause ) and, of course, all the guests who came on, thousands of them. there are just too many to thank, so, you know, what? i'll just thank may haveis staple. may haveis, if you could just call everybody tomorrow, that would be great. thanks. oh! and you, the colbert nation.

we couldn't have done it without you. ( cheers and applause ). thank you for being such a big part of it. that was fun! okay. whew. okay, that's the show. from eternity, i'm stephen colbert. jon. >> thanks for that report, stephen. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i love you, jon stewart! i love you. >> please tell me that's the toss and we just finished it. ( laughter ) why not? >> stephen: i have no problem with that. >> i have no problem with that, either. >> stephen: can we do that? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: oh, well. >> all right. let's go back into our funny characters. >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: hi, jon, what are you doing? >> i'm getting angry at liberals. ( laughter ) ( applause )

( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ [ shouting, laughter ] be quiet back there! these roads are slick! hey, cartman! what? are you gonna share that cake with the rest of us? hmm, let me think. no. come on, fat-ass! you shouldn't be eating all that cake, anyway. mmm, it's chocolaty and delightful. give us some, cartman! be quiet back there! whoa, dude, the road is really snowy out there.

the road is always snowy. i know, but it's really snowy today. mmm, i can't possibly finish this whole cake. [ groans ] oh, yes, i can. shut up, cartman! [ tires screech ] okay, that does it. y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies! [ all gasp ] she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but i wonder if she ever would. oh, she would, dude. she would. god! i don't believe this! come on, fat boy, give us some cake now. [ straining ] i cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. oh. oh, wait, wait. i'm gonna try. damn it, cartman, you are such a fat [bleep] what did you say?! uh-oh! [ screaming ]