almost killed you all. we're sorry. be thankful we got you here in time. your parents are here to see you. this itches, give me that calamine lotion. hell no, you get your own. stanley, how are you feeling today ? pretty good. the doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow. yeah, isn't that great ? wow, cool ! how are you, kyle ? are you doing okay ? i'm better now. ( laughing ) what's so funny ? we gave you guys herpes. what, what, what ! you did this ! we got you back. we had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff. i can't believe you gave us herpes. you little rascals ! well, i guess it serves us right. we should have been honest about wanting you to get chickenpox. we were wrong for deceiving you. how come you don't have sores on your lips, ma ? i have them somewhere else, booby kins. hurray ! stuart, i owe you an apology. i shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me. hell, i'm sorry too. oh phillip,i'm so glad everything turned out for the better.

well, i know one thing for sure. what's that, eric ? we're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion. ( laughing ) ( flatline tone ) oh my god, they killed kenny ! you bastards ! ( all laughing ) captioning made possible by comedy central captioned by soundwriters™ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah!

(cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in. my name is trevor noah. our guest tonight david holbrooke director of the new documentary, "the diplomat," a book about his father. david holbrooke is here, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) but first, paris. the news came out on friday. we went on the air, obviously. we still have to deal with it. i guess everyone has to deal with it. people say, trevor, what do you think? it's tough. i think our lives are defined by moments -- dinner with family, taking a nice drive together, friends gathering at somebody's house to watch ronda get kicked in the neck. and i think the reason it's so painful is because often

terrorism seeks to replace these moments with death and fear. we all are afraid. we replace that fear with anger a lot of the time. but i think what we should try to choose to do is not focus on the perpetrators, because every attack, whether paris, beirut, kenya, seems less about a specific group and more about an attack on humanity itself. one thing that made me smile is people in paris showed us the only way to overcome inhumanity is humanity. taxies turned off their meters to get people home for free. lines and lines of people waiting to donate blood. the thing that sums it up the most for me was a spontaneous #which is which is port ouverte

which means open door, offering anyone in a need a safe place to sleep. people of france, we commend you. i will say you are ruining our stereotypes because the french are supposed to be cold and unwelcoming, then you do these beautiful things, and who do we make jokes about now, finland? because we will, we will make jokes about finland, if we have to. but our prayers will be with paris and the people. but let's not forget, before we fight, to love. and now let's get to the show. let's turn, ladies and gentlemen, to the democratic debates ha that happened saturdy night. the only three candidates left in the race battling it out to be the party's nominee. not only was it held in

all-important iowa, it took place in drake university, not to be confuse confused with my e university, the university of drake, which is the school of drinkin', smokin', plottin', schemin', gettin' money, and contemporary dance. (laughter) and since we're at drake university, let's start at the bottom. with former maryland governor martin o'malley. >> we've actually found a way to -- >> governor, you're breaking the rules. i'm sorry. we're going to have to cut for a commercial. we'll be right back. >> trevor: oh! poor governor martin o'malley! he lost the debate to commercials! it went hillary, bernie, geico, then o'malley! (laughter) senator bernie sanders had the night of his life, on the other hand. >> senator sanders, let's say you're elected president. congratulations. >> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: you can't do that!

he's an old man! he'll get confused! i bet right when bernie got offstage, he called his wife and said, jane! i'm the new president! put your face on, we're going to the nicest diner in town! no, not schmukey's! i'm not a money tree! president sanders was out to shake things up. >> in order to bring about the changes we need, we need a political revolution! >> trevor: yeah! millions of people are going to have to stand up! >> trevor: yeah! urn off the tv! >> trevor: oh, no, no...no... whoa, whoa. no, i'm out. (laughter) i'm on tv. plus, if the revolution doesn't include new girl, i'll stay oppressed. another part of the sanders retch luges, raising the tax rates on rich people. >> we'll not come up with an

exact number yet but it won't be as high as the number under dwight d. eisenhower which was 90%. i'm not that much of a socialist compared to eisenhower. >> trevor: this is weird. the second debate in a row where a candidate compared themselves to eisenhower. last time it was donald trump. reminding us eisenhower deports hundreds of thousands of mexicans. now that i think about it -- deporting mexicans and taxing the rich -- this eisenhower guy sounds like the ultimate candidate. he could unit both sides and dominate this presidential race. in fact... i want to get ahold of this guy who seems like -- hello, operate? yes, get me dwight d. eisenhower, please. what? when? (laughter) oh, i see... was it peac peaceful?

(laughter) okay. thank you. he's in a meeting. he's going to call back. (laughter) bernie's one other big moments is when he called out secretary schinten for getting campaign contributions from wall street. >> let's not be naive, over her political career, wall street has been the major campaign contribute tore hillary clinton. now, maybe they're dumb and they don't know what they're going to get, but i don't think so. >> trevor: ooh! kick to the neck. (laughter) just look at hillary -- hashtag that face you make when they call you a corporate hole. (laughter) bernie says you're a wall street tool, hillary. defend yourself. >> john, wait a minute. wait a minute. he basically reduced his answer

to impugn my integrity, let's be frank here, and i represented new york on 9/11 when we were attack. where were we attacked in we were attacked in downtown manhattan where wall street is. i did spend a whole lot of time and effort helping them rebuild. it was good for new york, it was good for the economy and it was a way to reduce the terrorists who had attacked our country! >> trevor: yeah! yeah! that's the -- wait, what? 9/11? you take money from wall street because otherwise the terrorists win? hillary, you can't just bring up 9/11 to answer anything! i mean, if we wanted rudy giuliani in a dress, we would just look at the actual photo of rudy giuliani in a dress! (laughter) in fact, it wasn't till half an hour later someone followed up on imlint clinton's 9/11 dodge from an unexpected source. >> secretary clinen one of the tweets we saw said i never saw a

candidate invoke 9/11 to justify millions of wall street donations until now. >> trevor: not the moderators, twitter! nice work, twitter! i now look forward to an in-depth analysis of clinton's tax policy from@tombrady-boner 69! (laughter) it's harder to round up the democrat debates than the republican ones. democrats don't do as much crazy (bleep). republicans do it smarter. they do so much crazy (bleep) no one pays attention to the policies. this from ted cruz last week. >> five major agencies i would eliminate -- department of commerce, the department of energy... the department of commerce and h.u.d. >> trevor: it's hilarious! he forgot how to count to five! but we were laughing so hard at ted cruz forgetting the five government agencies he wants to get rid of, it doesn't sink in that ted cruz wants to get rid

of five government agencies! do you know what i say to that, ted cruz? well played, my friend. that's a lesson hillary can learn from. dangling 9/11 is the oldest trick in the book. if you don't want people probing your wall street connections, you have to step up your crazy game! hillary has to say, yes, wall street is a major contributor to my campaign and, also, i think pokeémon is real! then i'll spend the whole show saying, do you believe hillary clinton thinks poc pokeémon is ? then they we'll talk about it then they we'll talk about it for six weeks

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♪ it must be ♪ falling away ♪ i must be ♪ sound and color come on, wake up!!! come on, why ya sleepin'? come on! >>what time is it? it's go time. >>come on. let's go, let's go, let's go. woooo hoooo!! yeah!! i feel like i went to bed an hour ago. >>i'll make the cocoa. get a great offer on the car of your grown-up dreams at the mercedes-benz winter event. it's the look on their faces that makes it all worthwhile. but, hurry, these offers end soon. thank you santa!!! >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, one good thing about saturday night's democratic debate is it gave all three candidates an opportunity to promote and defend their plans for america using hard numbers. and one problem of the debate

was none of the candidates are very good with hard numbers. for a look at what's what, we go to seen your analyst desi lydic and the actual facts. (cheers and applause) >> thanks, trevor. last week we saw the republicans debate, and on saturday we had the democrats. so i guess one of these people is going to be president somehow. let's see who's got what it takes to mislead their way through the next four years and we'll start with hillary clinton. as we saw earlier, clinton and bernie sanders got into a spat about where their campaign money came from. sanders said his was small donors while hers came from the wealthy, and clinton did not like that. >> not only do i have hundreds of thousands of donors, most of them smawcialtion and i'm very proud for a first time a majority of my donors are women, 60%.

>> 60% of hillary's donors are women. my sisters, this is a feminist milestone. in the 1920s, we got the right to vote. in the '60s, we got the pill -- it's 90% effective. (laughter) and now we can write checks to hillary clinton! so that part's true. but let's take a look at the first part of her statement, that she has hundreds of thousands of donors, most of them small. now, here's the $76 million clinton raised this election cycle, and here's the amount of money that came from small donors, who gave less than $200, and that's not counting the $40 million raised by her super pac. so even if most of her donors gave small amounts, most of her money comes from the donors who gave very big amounts. her statement is true but meaningless, like how hitler was nice to dogs. (laughter) i give that one a "pawstika."

(laughter) next up, bernie sanders. >> -- more income and wealth inequality than any country on earth. we have the highest rate of childhood poverty. >> really?! the united states of america has the highest rate of childhood poverty? well, i hope food stamps cover crow, bernie sanders, because you're about to eat some. according to the unicef study of advanced economies, the united states only has the second highest rate of childhood poverty! totally ahead of romania! so we're still pretty bad, but only the second worse. i call this a daniel baldwin. (laughter) and those are the two democratic candidates! oh, shoot! martin o'malley. (laughter) now, he took on the tough job of trying to convince conservatives that raising taxes isn't so bad.

>> under ronald reagan's first term the marginal rate was under 70%. >> that seems high. what i meant to say is you seem high. governor o'malley, reagan ran against the 70% tax rate americans had in the '70s. one of the first big things he did was sign a law lowering to 50% and later drove it down to 28%. so martin o'malley's statement actually proved the opposite of the point he's trying to make. just like how just just tried to prove he's mature by letting paparazzi take naked pictures of him. i give this one bieber penis -- or bienis! >> trevor: thank you, desi! desi lydic, everyone! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back!

my guest tonight is the writer of a new hbo documentary about ambassador richard holbrooke called th "the diplomat." >> there was a big gap in our military commitment and our diplomatic commitment in afghanistan. if we didn't make a full press on the diplomatic front, we wouldn't know whether or not this could be some kind of negotiated ending. >> the military dominated everything, everything that we did. so for your dad to show up, you know, this high-energy, brilliant, funny, engaging diplomat in the region and was just ready to, like, push everybody else out of the way, it was really great to see. it was, like, wow, man, we've got, like, the a-team here. >> trevor: please welcome, david holbrooke. (cheers and applause)

oh! thank you so much for being here. i must apologize first and foremost because you were supposed to be here, but then i had an incident -- >> incident, that's what they call appendectomies now. >> trevor: yes, an internal incident where one part of your body disagrees with the rest of your body. unfortunately, i did not have an ambassador like your father to sort everything out. >> you wouldn't have wanted him sorting any of that out. >> trevor: i don't know about that. he was a fascinating man. welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: your father was almost like a political forrest gump. >> simple and dumb? >> trevor: no! that's what you said. >> trevor: when i see forrest gump, that's not what i see. i see a man at all times making his impact. he was in vietnam before and

after the war. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: it was afghanistan, pakistan, their official representative, and the biggest thing is brokering peace in the balkans. >> 20 years ago this week. >> trevor: yeah! (cheers and applause) so, i mean, a lot of this -- for those who don't know, why was that his greater achievement. >> it ended the war. the longest siege in history was in sarajevo. he ended it along with his team. he was the architect of it. the war wasn't being solved by europe. attend of the cold war, they said we'll take care of things, they didn't, and americans had to step in. with his diplomatic leadership, they ended that. >> trevor: i always thought diplomats were like people who threw fancy shindigs in other

countries. >> there is a part of that, like rock stars. >> trevor: your dad was a rock star. blintsebill clinton talks aboutw your dad was part michael jordan, excellent at what he was doing, and then a lot of him dennis rodman in that he was just wiling out in the streets. though dennis rodman has become a great ambassador to north korea. >> right... a future ambassador, perhaps. >> trevor: but what is that that made him so nood at being a diplomat? >> i think a number of things. one, his willingness to get tough. also his ability to be nice and get along. diplomats used all sorts of tools and i think he used them at the highest level. there was a scene in the film where he was ambassador of the u.n. and he threw parties, which were strategic but cool. >> trevor: you have to decide who's going to sit where to not spark an incident at a dinner party.

>> he loved those. they were his favorite ones. he invited me to the n.b.a., and i was a short guy among all those. it was amazing. >> reporter: was it nice for you to look up to somebody for a change? >> my father was described as larger than life. he's six-one, i'm six-six, i'm the big man in the family -- but in this case... (laughter) >> trevor: in the story, one of the biggest things for me is watching this and going, he seems really opposed to wars. i know a lot of people say they are, but he really seemed to find a way to get around fight ago war, and if you -- fighting a war. if you look at the situations we're dealing with in this day and age, i know you can't speak for him, but how do you think he would be reacting to this situation, with syria, what's happening in the middle east and how the u.s. is looking to go into these spaces? >> first, he would say, paris,

let's find the perpetrators. but then he would say let's put diplomacy out in front. one of the things that worked in bosnia was diplomacy backed by force. in the clip you showed in the film, dexter said it was all about afghanistan. for bush and obama, it was the military running things. for my father, it was diplomacy followed by force. it was a much more complicated world than he died in. you have airen spring, six weeks later syria, it's incredibly complicated. but his take is you have to get nation building and society stable so you don't have crazy follow of refugees coming out of afghanistan, through one of the balkans and other countries into europe. >> trevor: as a man larger than life all over the world,

first-name basis with world leaders and creating history, one of the best parts is seeing you coming to grips with finding out about your father from other people, which is strange. you said you learned more about him from eavesdropping than him telling it to you. >> sure. a lot of things is i set out to understood him better in death than life. he was always gone. the nature of work -- let me put it this way, fatherhood weren't his strong suit, but people said he' -- people said, people are alive because of what he did. >> trevor: thanks so much for being here. david holbrooke, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ [wind blowing]

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today's show. thanks for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. (sounds of crowd milling)