let's do this! [ engine turns over ] buckle up, buckaroos! [ tires squeal ] [ people screaming ] >> trevor: comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and captioning sponsored by comedy central applause ) >> trevor: welcome, welcome, welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, a terrific author who is here to tell us about his new show on the esquire network called "going deep." david rees is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) first, this coming saturday, louisiana is holding an election to replace bobby jindal as governor. on the the republican side, we've got senator david vitter and on the democratic side state representative john bel edwards, two candidates who have a lot in

common, with one major difference. >> the choice for governor couldn't be more clear. john bel edwards, who answered our country's call and served as a ranger in the 82nd airborne division, or david vitter, who answered a prostitute's call minutes after he skipped a vote honoring 28 soldiers who gave their lives in confidence of our freedom. >> trevor: now, now, come on people. that's just good manners. ( laughter ) what was he supposed to do, take the prostitute's call during the votes? he couldn't do that. "hey, could everybody shut up for a moment? shut up about the soldiers. i'm talk to my prostitute. sorry, candice, you were saying." he had to chinese one. but if you're familiar at all about david vitter you probably know him as the family values conservative who in 2007 was revealed to be a client of the d.c. madam, not to be confused with the d.c. madman, the

eccentric 19th century scientist known for attacking the white house with a cat cannon. ( laughter ) now, even though this prostitution scandal happened nearly a decade ago, edwards, his challenger has made it a focal point in this race causing vitter to launch this counter attack. >> this was last thursday's family's issue governor's debate, one podium empty because john bel edwards never showed up. news reports exposed edwards skipped the debate and went to a risque new orleans club. edwards advertised for voters to join him at the strip joint for free drinks and then hauled them on a party bus for early voting. ( laughter ). >> trevor: wow. he invited his supporters to a strip club and then a party bus? that sounds like the tamest thing that has ever happened in the city of new orleans. ( laughter ) i'm pretty sure party bus outside a strip club is actually louisiana's official state seal. ( laughter )

that's standard. now, apparently, vitter thinks that this party bus is his ticket to victory because he brought it up at the debates on monday. unfortunately for him, it backfired. >> he paid for that purple party bus last thursday in new orleans. john bel edwards hosted voters, gave them free drinks at a very adult new orleans nightclub. >> i was at that place in new orleans with my wife. with my wife. and i gave a-- i gave an interview on the radio. not as interesting as your date night, senator. >> audience: oooh! >> trevor: oooh! that comeback was like a brothel. vitter walked right into it. ( cheers and applause ) it turns out that john bel edwards doesn't even need an opening to bring up the

prostitution scanned, even when vitter tried to get him on his state business association rating, edwards still brought up prostitution. >> john bel has a lifetime rating from that organization of 27%. when i went to school, that wasn't just an "f." i thought you got more points for putting your name on the test. >> i give 100% to my wife. that's who i give 100% to. senator, you ought to try. >> trevor: you gotta admit, guys, that is a skill. there is no subject that edwards can't steer back towards prostitutes. "sure, maybe i'm soft on crime, but you know who i'm hard on? my wife." ( cheers and applause ) everything you throw at this guy, i bet even in a debate if the moderator was like, "john bel, are you worried you might slide in the polls?" "i'll tell you what won't be sliding, my penis into a prostitute."

( applause ) okay, all right, all right, okay, guys. i think we've had enough fun. it's time for us to get a little bit more serious. syria. now, the whole issue of whether or not to let syrian refugees into the united states is a balancing act between moral responsibility and the risk of increased threats. it's hard to get a handle on the whole situation. and luckily, republican presidential candidate mike huckabee has been trying his best to explain this issue in a way that everyone can understand. >> you're going to have tens of thousands of people coming here from the middle east. you have no idea who they are. there's no way to check them. let me ask this-- if you bought a five-pound bag of peanuts and you knew in the five-pound bag of peanuts there were about 10 peanuts that were deadly poisonous, would you feed them to your kid? ( laughter ). >> trevor: well, it depends how ( bleep ) are your kids. ( applause ). ( cheers ) because if they're the kind of people who compare suffering

refugees to tainted peanuts, then maybe. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i understand your position is that the possibility of a few dangerous refugees means that we shouldn't admit any of them in, but, you know, maybe you could try expressing that thought in a less-callous way. >> does it make any sense that we would say, "well, we're going to bring in tens of thousands of people. we have no idea who they are. when chipotle had an outbreak of e. coli just recently, what did they do? they closed all the chipotle restaurants. i mean, how many gallons of tainted milk do we tolerate before we say, "take it off the shelves in? >> trevor: actually, you know what? go back to peanuts. that was better. clearly, mike huckabee doesn't want syrian refugees coming to america, but as a presidential candidate he needs a plan for the middle east unless he was

going to abandon the region. >> i don't think we can abandon the region for the simple reason it doesn't get better with age. this isn't cheese. this isn't beef. it's not wine. this is terrorism. >> trevor: that is the worst end to a taste test ever. ( laughter ) this is not cheese. this is not beef. it's not wine. it's terrorism! aahhh! aaahhh! ( applause ) now, is it just me or is mike huckabee always bringing everything back to food? i mean, just look at the syrians. he's compared them to peanuts, chipotle, milk, cheese, beef, and wine. and that's just the appetizer. once you notice it, you start to see it everywhere. whatever the topic is, mike huckabee always brings up food. for instance, social security. >> they're always going to say we're going to fix this one day. no, they're not.

it's like a 400-pound man saying i'm going to go on a diet but i'm eating a sack of krispy kreme before i do. >> a sack of krispy kremes? is that even awe thing. i'm just picturing huckabee standing there, "i'd like a small coffee and one sask krispy kremes." "sorry, sir, we don't sell them by sacks." "it's okay, i brought my own." how about the crowded field of g.o.p. candidates? >> republicans have a whole buffet. i mean, we are the golden coral corcorral of politics. >> trevor: republicans are the golden corral buffet. what does that even mean? whatever you choose, it's all going to make you sick? what does that mean? ( cheers and applause ) what about n.s.a. surveillance? >> the n.s.a. is collecting

enormous amounts of metadata on all of us. they can know who i talked to last thursday when i ordered pizza and what i wanted on it. ( laughter ) >> trevor: now-- what are you putting on your pizza that you don't want the n.s.a. to know about? "hi, i can have an extra large pizza with women's panties on top? actually, actually, can you hide the panties in the cheese?" ( laughter ) really, once you look at it, mike huckabee's entire take on politics is food based. >> politics is like opening a baskin robbins store. if you're going to have should sausage, you have to kill some pigs. i wish i could have had some meat i could put in the meat locker. we better wake up and smell the falafel. the popeyes' chicken in terminal "b." i cut myself making salads.

president obama got rolled like a california sushi. >> trevor: that is so many fool of food metaphors, it's too much. does anyone have a sack of imodium? we'll be right back. we'll be right back. this is too much, too much.

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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back. voting is a sacred right, but is it? just think how much easier it would be if those in power could make decisions for all of us. hasan minhaj reports on one group's attempt to make this dream a reality. >> democracy's cool and all, but if you're a business owner, sometimes you need to make democracy work for you. so when one group of property easterns in colombia, missouri, needed to beautify their commercial strip they created a special district called a c.i.d., so they could levy a sales tax. local reporter kaitlyn campbell. >> their intent was to bring in $300,000 annually to install sidewalks, plant flowers. >> before they could plant the flowers they had to clear one hurdle. >> the way state law is written, the vote for that sales tax would go to the people. >> i think they're going to put

a tax increase to vote? they know it's never going to pass? >> typically. when they created this district, they left out residential properties and people. >> that's right. they gerrymandered the district so much, it looked like the bird from "duck hunt," because if a voting district has no voters, the power to levy the sales tax reverts back to the property owners. that's brilliant. a democracy with no voters. >> democracy, i think, typically means a vote of the people. >> no. any great democracy gives people an equal voice. >> sure. >> in this case, it's equal because everybody's voice is zero. ( laughter ) so the sales tax passed, and the revenue poured in. >> the sales tax hasn't passed. it still needs to go to a vote of the people. >> but they cut it up in such a way that there are no people. >> when it was time for the sales tax to go to the election, the c.i.d. discovered there was one voter in the district.

>> what? >> there is a voter. her name is jen henderson. >> the unthinkable, one lone voter. i hope you know what this means? >> what does it mean? >> she's voter zero, i have to eradicate this problem before it spreads. >> eradicate? >> i'm not going to kill her. i'm not going to do that. you know what i'm saying. the cotaijion is alive and i gotta go. i've seen movies like this before. i knew exactly what to do. citizens of columbia, missouri, this area is contaminated with democracy. there is a registered voter. she is a full-blown demo-hazard. hide your kids. hide your wives. take shelter. live in fear. my warning cry seemed it fall on deaf ears. i had to go straight into the hot zone to neutralize the contaminate myself. what's it like-- >> i can't hear you. >> what's it like knowing you're a disease? >> i still can't hear you. >> ( bleep ).

jen, you are the contaminate. >> i don't think i'm a contaminant. >> stop lying. >> i mean, they drew the boundaries to cut out all the residences who would have a vote in this. >> reporter: and once the c.i.d. board detected the virus, executive director kerry gardner bravely tried to extinguish the problem-- henderson's right to vote. >> gardner was very aggressive in trying to get me to unregister to vote. she showed up at my house, sent me letters, text messages, e-mail. >> what's wrong with that. you have a friendly neighbor coming down and saying how are you? >> it's a border line harassment. >> that's because you're a millennial and don't know that people actually go to other people's doors and talk to them. >> no, i think i know enough about the situation that i think i can make an appropriate vote. >> sorry, i think the elite ownership class knows a little bit more about taxation than your average dumb voter. >> i mean, they're taxing the low-income grocery store. so, i mean, they're taxing necessities and food on the

backs of, you know, people like me, low income. >> yeah, but they're going to make it prettier. let me show you something. ise c.i.d. okay? if you unregister your vote, it will go from looking like this to this. wow, look at that. >> i don't really see much of a difference. >> look, all kerry gardner was trying to do was plant a few shrubs. >> i think the last straw was kerry getting paid one-third of the revenue. >> what? >> yeah, 70 grand, plus full benefits. >> one out of $3 poor people would pay in sales tax would go to the c.i.d. director? oh, ( bleep ). that's diabolical. >> yeah. >> i get it now. you're not the disease. you're the cure. >> unfortunately, yeah. >> she wasn't the virus and outbreak or the infected zombie and 28 days later she's a pregnant lady in children of men. you're the only one what can stop the c.i.d. europe the lone voter.

don't you get it, i have to-- i have to come and-- >> what? >> i have to... >> protect me? >> yes, i have-- yes, i will protect you! let's go! follow me to freedom. we escaped the c.i.d., so, thankfully, legions of unheard voters now have a hero. the mocking-jen. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you, hasan. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) the most advanced iphone yet. get the new iphone 6s at t-mobile. the network that's doubled its lte coverage in the past year. our new extended range lte signal now reaches twice as far as before. and is four times better in buildings. get our lowest price on iphone 6s with trade-in. zero upfront and just 5 bucks a month with jump on demand. get it now at t-mobile.

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is our partnership with habitat for humanity. pg&e is committed to clean energy and part of that commitment our mission is to build homes, community and hope. our homeowners are low-income families, so the ability for them to have lower energy cost is wonderful. we have been able to provide about 600 families with solar on their homes. that's over nine and a half million dollars of investment by pg&e, and that allows us to provide clean energy for everyone here. it's been a great partnership. together, we're building a better california. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is the host and cocreator of esquire network's "going deep with david rees." >> if i get punched in the lung,

wouldn't my rib cage protect me? >> rib cage will protect you, but the ribs are made of bones, so you could easily break a rib. >> spleen. what on earth is a spleen? >> it actually helps regulate blood. it stores blood. it helps with ipflection. if you rupture your spleen it bleeds a lot. >> why is internal bleeding such a huge deal? the body is filled with blood anyway. >> blood is supposed to be in blood vessels, not outside blood vessels. >> oh, i see. that actually makes sense. ( laughter ). >> trevor: please welcome david rees. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you very much. welcome. >> my pleasure. thanks for having me. >> trevor: make america-- oh, no "make america deep again." >> a close read reveals that message is different from a certain other hat we see in the political landscape. >> trevor: who wears a hat like this? >> proud american men who want

to pave the country with golf courses. ( laughter ) and a third-tier television hosts. >> what's his name? >> his name is david rees. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: thanks for coming. you have probably one of the strangest television shows i've ever seen in my life. you basically make a show teaching people to do what they all know how to do. >> yes. it is a "how to" show that teaches you the best way to do the things you think you know how to do. it came out of a book i wrote, "how to sharpen pencils." >> trevor: this is a real book, people. >> yeah. it was an in-depth examination on the best pencil sharpening techniques. and what i was trying to do with that book was take something we do all the time without really thinking about it and celebrate all the science and history and anthropology and aesthetics that goes into these simple, everyday tasks. >> trevor: do you know how confusing this is for someone watching the show right now? one person is going, you made a

book about sharpening pencils. >> right. >> trevor: someone else is going, "what is a pencil?" >> i don't mean to start venting like donald trump, but, i mean-- that is exactly, that is the point. people need to remember that a pencil is a 500-year-old perfectly engineered official and elegant communication tool. i'm sorry! right? ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: my finger works great on the screen. i don't--ip don't know if agree with you. >> if you really want to get heat we can actually get into had. >> trevor: let's not get into this. >> okay. >> trevor: let's get into the fact that you were learning how to get punched. >> yeah, exactly. getting punched is something where you think there's not much you could learn about it. somebody's fist approaches your body and you just take it. >> trevor: shouldn't it be elsewhere how to not get punched? >> we considered that but the network said it would make more dynamic television if i actually got punched dget punch.

it's a show business decision. it's not a health decision. >> trevor: well, clearly, because you're getting punched. >> right. the point of the show as far as the network is concerned, let's have a middle-aged man destroy his body for the pleasure of strangers sitting in the dark. >> trevor: you know what's funny, that title combined with the title-- that line coming ont of the title of show "going deep" makes you think of a very different type of show. a man in a dark room destroying his body is called "going deep." >> it's-- this is-- it is a family show. it is-- it is-- i want to emphasize, it's a family show. >> trevor: it is a family show. like, if you think of all these things on such a meticulous level how do you live your life? no, because, i mean, if you can think of different ways to sharpen a pencil or the rye way to get punched or the right way to open a door shake hands-- like, what is the right way to shake hands? >> well, you want to use your hand. you want to engage with the webbing in the interdigital

webbing between the thumb and the forefinger. you want to come at an angle and you want that to be the first point of contact. and then it just becomes a struggle for dominance. the first person to close his fingers around the other person has the better chance of having the stronger grip and controlling the interaction. >> trevor: yeah, but you see, i feel like that thing is the reason people do that. >> right. you came in too early. >> trevor: how do you know the persoperson is not going to do-- you're thinking every time there's a handshake-- >> now you understand, now you understand what we're getting at. >> trevor: this is so stressful. i'm getting stressed because i can't figure out-- >> your natural impulse is to focus on my hand. but you also remember according to the tenet of civil ides context you need to maintain eye contact. >> trevor: now it's who closed the hand first. >> we're having fun >> trevor: we're having a great time right now. we're having a really great time. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah. >> trevor: "going deep with

david rees" airs on esquire network wednesday nights at 10:00. david rees, everybody. david rees, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) whoocall of duty:t to knowblack ops 3 zombies.hese mountain dew. dew gives you xp times dos. do it!!! get double xp with dew and doritos for call of duty: black ops 3 zombies. we love, love, chocolaty, creamy, with a little something extra. mmm deliciousness. cookies or almonds. yumminess. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. iit's just a cough.ur cough, you'd see how often you cough all day

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okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. also, please, tune in to comedy central for my stand-up central, "trevor neah lost in translation." here it is, your moment of zen. >> if there's a rabid dog running around your

neighborhood, you probably are not going to assume something good about that dog. and you're probably going to put your children out of the way. it doesn't mean that you hate all dogs. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, patti labelle sweet potato pies are flying off shelves at wal-marts across america. patti's pies are so popular, they're already polling ahead of jeb bush. laug(laughter) i.s.i.s. releases a video showing a terrorist preparing to attack times square. hey, i.s.i.s., this is seems like a pretty extreme overreaction to not getting tickets for "hamilton." (laughter) a green bay packers fan interrupts a moment of silence for paris by shouting "muslims suck." hey, packers fan, your team just got beaten by the lions... you might want to re-think who sucks. (laughter) right? this is "the nightly show" -- let's do it!