- before this meeting continues, i should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefy sauce. - i'm sorry, but i don't really care. i just want to know what medication my little brother has been getting you from and why? - people all over the world get their medication from canada. - yeah, but something's wrong with my brother, and it might be your fault. - that's impossible. the canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined intellilink. - you use intellilink? oh, my god! will you check his records, please? - sure, no problem. now, what's your brother's canadian medicare smart name? - i don't know. try strange tamer. [keys clicking] strange...tamer. [click] ah, yep, there it is.

ah, yes, here we go. i see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last may. ah, yes, i'm afraid intellilink mixed that up, and your brother's been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast. - are you saying that ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an intellilink screw up? - yes, that's right. - that system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc! - it's fine! it works fine! just give it some time! god, you sound like my wife. my...my wife. - that must be it. don't you see, terry? that health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been putting up with it. - and...that's why she queefed in my face. - excuse me! if my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting ike's medication? - tom brady looking sluggish again today. not sure what his problem has been lately. - yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past. - [farts] hut, hut... [farts] hut, hut, hut, hut...

aah...hike! - brady steps back to pass. he's got an open man at the 40 yard line. - and whatever is wrong with tom brady just seems to be getting worse. go, broncos. - ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ caught up in the action, i've been looking out for you ♪ ♪ oh-- [music stops] - okay. there we go. your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades. - no, they have to be able to get grades. - well, what you probably want to do is upgrade to intellilink platinum. - no! there's no more upgrading, mkay? i just want this to work. - what exactly do you mean by "work"? - i just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school nurse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion! - oh, you want the centurion package. that's where we take all the intellilink panels and rip them off the walls and we burn them. then we wipe all the computers of intellilink software, and you never deal with us again. - all right. upgrade me to the centurion package.

- right away. all right, sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, and i want to thank you for choosing intellilink. - the mtv video music awards will be back with a performance from yo gabba gabba's foofa singing pound my sweet strange. - two minutes, foofa. - thanks. oh, my, here we go. - ike, wait. - get out of here, dude. - ike, there's been a mistake. you don't understand. - no, you don't understand, wuss. why can't you just let me grow up? why do you keep harassing me? - because you're my little brother, goddamn it, and even when i'm 50 and you're 45, you're still gonna be my little brother. - all right, y'all, here comes our next big act. - ike, i don't care if you want to grow up. i just want to be by your side while you do it.

- give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth. it's foofa! [cheers and applause] - come on, ike. ike? - he's right, foof. part of growing up is rebelling, but i'm gonna get older whether i like it or not. so why push it? i think i'm gonna let it happen naturally. - yay! - yay! - foofa? - ♪ come on, come on, and pound my strange ♪ ♪ pound it like this, pound it like that ♪ - it was a mistake. - what? - trying to reform canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working... even when my wife said the system was too complicated. i wouldn't listen! - oh, terry, i was just trying to get your attention. i'm sorry i queefed in your face. - i deserved it. anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.

thank you, my lady. - so intellilink is gone, my lord? - yes, i've upgraded to the gold package. within no time, canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications and going back to normal. [baby laughing] - ike? - kyle. it's dora the explorer! - come on, let's climb the mountain. - it sure is! you want me to watch it with you, ike? - yay. - we made it all the way to the top. - oh, man, i wouldn't mind hitting that. i bet she's got that hot puerto rican strange. - yeah, i bet she does. - yay! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause)

♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much. i'm trevor noah. we've got a great show tonight, but first, i've got to tell you guys, i'm a little upset. last night, i settled in on my couch, turned on my d.v.r. to check out one of my favorite shows, quantico, my new favorite show about domestic terrorism in america. but right before my show ended, my recording stopped 15 minutes early -- and it turns out, the reason it happened was because some guy wanted to talk about real domestic terrorism. >> the president's first oval office address in about five years. he spoke for about 15 minutes last night. >> president obama called the san bernardino massacre an act of terrorism. >> president obama interrupting all programming on major networks tonight -- >> a sunday night when everybody has their favorite tv shows

on -- >> trevor: yeah! what kind of president addresses the nation when everyone is watching tv?! (laughter) what are you, an effective communicator or something?! everything got delayed because to have the president. they even had to hold back the football game on tv. no, they literally had to hold them back. 8:00 smash time! no! the president needs to talk! no, smash! (laughter) now, the president called the police to discuss the san bernardino shooting last wednesday and to tell us how he plans to keep everybody safe from further domestic terrorism. so, mr. president, the sunday night lineup is yours. >> the threat from terrorism is real, but we will overcome it. we will destroy i.s.i.l and any other organization that tries to harm us. in iraq and syria airstrikes are taking out i.s.i.l leaders --

heavy weapons, oil tankers, infrastructure. in both countries we're deploying special operations forces who can accelerate thato offensive. we're working with friends and allies to stop i.s.i.l's operations. >> trevor: i know first of all, some people at home are going, who the hell is i.s.i.l? isn't it i.s.i.s.? (laughter) so, basically, president obama wanted to affirm that we should come together to fight i.s.i.s. you know what, i'm not going to lie. i was a little underwhemed about the speech, because the last time obama interrupted us on sunday night was to tell everybody he had killed bin laden. yeah, so i was hoping for a little more excitement, you know. i was hoping that maybe he was going to come out and tell us he was actually born in indonesia but it's too late now, bitches! [ applause ] (laughter) so office little underwhemed. turns out, i'm not the only disappointed person. >> look, mr. president. we're not afraid!

we're angry! pissed off:00! furious! we want you to react! we want you to do something! you're afraid! i mean, this guy is such a total pussy, it's stunning! (laughter) >> trevor: this is one of those moments where i wish the guy was in the same room as the president. lav laugh i could just picture obama at that moment going, why don't, uh, we, uh, take this outside? why don't we, uh -- i really don't understand why calling someone a puss isy an insult, i've never understood this, because vaginas are such strong, powerful things. humans come out of vaginas and they're still working. they're instructible! you just sit on a penis wrong and it breaks. you say someone's a dick and -- sorry, i get carried away by this. by the way, he's an asshole. so president obama had to make

is a speech to address the san bernardino shooting and the national conversation that followed. really the whole nation and a lot of the world has been gripped by the story. who were the killers? why did they do it? what are their links to terrorism? can we stop people like them? those are the questions normal people ask. however, if you're a news organization like msnbc, you ask, can we get into their house now? >> the owner of the apartment had his apartment here released to him by the f.b.i., and he's currently at the front door where it was sealed up with wood and he's got some crowbars. let's see if we can step in. as we step in, we see what it looks like. unfortunately, there appears to be a little bit of a pushing and shoving, which i'm not sure we need to do. but as we step inside, we'll take a look and see what we have. >> trevor: oh, really, the pushing and the shoving is not sure what you need to do? really? i'm still learning the news networks here, but is it supposed to be like the movie "nightcrawler"? is that what supposed to be happening? you know where jake jake runs

into crime scenes to get pictures of dead bodies? because i think msnbc took that movie as an instructionable video. when the landlord let them in, they didn't know what they were looking for, they burst in and rummaged around like an episode of storage wars. >> let's go to november to see if anything of importance was marked on the calendar. nothing there. it's just sort of a typical sort of calendar. >> trevor: mmm... let's see what's on this calendar. mmm, ah, what did you think you would find on that calendar, a little x saying murder my co-workers? what? go to dentist if still alive. is that what you're going to find? while they were inside, msnbc left no irrelevant mundane stone unturned. >> here's a computer. as you can see, the hard drive is gone -- so we have an lg monitor. we have a check from chaste to

sayed farook for $7.98. >> trevor: wow, worst product placement ever. (laughter) [ applause ] i wish i could say it was harmless bad journalism, before they decided to air personal photos about the families. >> here'ns i.d. so california i.d. let me look at it first, okay. (bleep), (bleep), (bleep). that looks like somebody's ninth birthday party there. >> let's make sure we don't -- let's -- >> okay, here's a picture of the child. >> let's not show the child, kerry. let's get away from that. >> this is probably not her because it says (bleep) on the

back. >> trevor: no, it's fine. it's just some other totally innocent muslim child tangentally connected to this against her will, so this is fine. yeah, and here's her name and picture. so maybe they doxed the mom on national tv. that's all right. >> the owner mr. miller permitted this press tour of the family. the f.b.i. cleared all the useful evidence out. >> exactly, and he's given us permission to come in and touch this stuff so it's not as if i'm touching things i shouldn't be touching (audience reacts) >> trevor: wait... the phish already took anything you would be interested in, so you just broadcasted unnecessary personal information on live tv, knowing there was really no news value involved. so i guess, technically, you're wrong. there is one thing you shouldent have been touching -- and that's

the record button on your camera. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get up to 4 lines with up to 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line, that's 6gb each plus unlimited video streaming with binge on™. stream netlfix, hbo now , hulu and more without using your data. and now unwrap the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and just $10 bucks a month. this year tear into the holidays with t-mobile.

everyone: ttim! pass the queso. tim, we need to hang out more. timnado! t-bone! actually, my name is brian. new tostitos rolls! chips. bring the party. hey, what are ♪ having? ♪

♪ ♪

(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! in the reptile kingdom, iguanas are king. but the big question is, do they have -- (cheers and applause) i'm sorry, sir. are you lost? >> no, trevor, wait! it's me! trevor!

it's me! >> trevor: papa?! no! (laughter) it's me! >> trevor: it's jon stewart, everybody! (cheers and applause) oh, wow! oh, wow! it's jon stewart! (cheers and applause) oh! i can't believe it! this is awesome! oh, wait, wait, wait -- (bleep). are you here to take the show back? >> oh, man, i heard about this in american tv! are you taking the show back? >> no, trust me! trust me! a thousand times no! actually, i have this issue, i care about it very deeply and i was wondering, i want to get attention paid to it, but i was realizing i don't have a show, and nobody gives a (bleep) anymore. so i thought, you have a show, and maybe i could come and -- >> trevor: hey... i'm here for you, jon.

my show is your show, my friend. >> oh! >> trevor: yeah! (cheers and applause) what do do you need? >> let me just -- >> trevor: no, i'm not gonna -- >> i understand. that's good. so back in 2010, okay, after far more lobbying than should have ever been necessary, congress passed what was called the zadroga act, healthcare for 9/11 first responders after the government told them it was safe but it gave them cancer. >> trevor: so had to celebrate the an versus ri. >> no, they funded the act five years. they wanted to make sure the program wouldn't have people who would try to cheat it and you could scientifically prove a link between the responders horrible diseases and toxic air they were breathing day in and day out working at ground zero. >> trevor: and you're here because they couldn't prove the

link? >> no, they proved the link. >> trevor: i see, but there was a lot of fraud. >> there was no fraud. >> trevor: so no reason to not renew it permanently. >> you're not from around here, are you? of course there was no reason not to renew it permanently, but they did not renew it win anywa! it expired in september, soon to be out of money, many first responders, sick with cancer, pulmonary disease, had to travel at their expense to washington, d.c. hundreds of times to plead for our government to do the right thing. >> trevor: you're here to tell us once congress saw the first responders, obviously, their renewed vigor came in, they renewed the healthcare funding and made it permanent, right? that's what you're saying, right? >> you're not from around here... (whispering) they have not done that. >> trevor: that doesn't make sense, jon stewart! >> i know! the only conclusion i can draw is that the people of congress

are not as good a people as the people who are first responders. >> trevor: oh, well, jon -- (cheers and applause) -- i don't know... >> that's what i think. >> trevor: i don't know, john, you can't say that because how would you know? >> last week, i had the distinct honor of accompanying some of these heros on one of their many trips down to the capitol to see how in god's name this is in any way a continue verse oral contrr non-priority issue. it's easy to take our congress for granted but seeing it first hand is truly humbling. i'm sheer in the russell building to witness the majesty of our nation's legislative process. the beauty, compassion, intelligence -- i'm just (bleep) you. i'm here to see if shame works, the emotion you might have if

you were a senator who said we would not forget our heros but did by not extending this bill. we're going to stop in to rand paul's office. is he in? >> i don't know, there may have been a briefing. >> we were wondering if senator johnson is home. >> i'm not sure. let me check. >> trick or treat, anybody we could speak to about the 9/11 responder's bill senator portman has yet to support? is there? one who it would be appropriate to be upset with? >> yes, sir, i would be happy to check for you if you -- >> thank you so much, i really appreciate it. >> who can i give this to? who can i follow up with? >> i appreciate it. yeah, so actually we can't record inside the office. if we could step outside. >> we can record out in the hallway? why is that you can't record in the office, is it acoustics? >> i believe he's at a committee

meeting. >> the bill has been taken out and we're lost again and these are -- these guys are all dying so we would like to stop that. >> no, i totally understand. you don't want it in the shame chamber, you want it in the shame hallway. >> here's my card. we would love to set up a time with you on camera. >> they're like in many ways meerkats or prairie dogs but if they sense danger, boom, right back into the hole. if we need to wait here until he's ready, i'm happy to do that. i don't know if you know this, i don't really have a life anymore. i'm unemployed now, so i'm really available all day. >> okay. and i have your card, so i'll get back to our scheduler as well. >> didn't know this country was known for cranberries. >> number one cranberry producer in the state, yeah. >> some people got meetings.

who are you? >> new energy. see you guys. passing this act seems like a no brainer! let me ask you a question. all right, let's see there was a monster under your bed or in your closet and you were scared of the monster and people came in, very helpful people, first responders to the monster situation, and they helped get rid of the monster, clean up after the monster for months but because they got monster juice on them, got sick. would you help those people? >> yes. no. hold on one second. no? you would be a good congress person. would you guys take care of the people? >> yes. it seems obvious. so what i would say is this is our senator mcconnell -- you be senator mcconnell in this -- and you would be, uh, normal human people. you know what? thank you you guys for listening. what time is snack?

soon? we caught up with senator portman on his way from voting to make sure people on the terrorist watch list could still buy guns. >> we'll let them know i support it. the question is how to pay for it. >> you know you can find money when you want. so that pay for it stuff really doesn't reach -- it's not passing the litmus test with me at all. >> that night, senator portman of ohio signed on to the bill. maybe shame does work. if it doesn't, maybe we should follow around mitch mcconnell making this face at him. ... >> trevor: back with more from >> trevor: back with more from jon fact.

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: i get to say this one time and one time only -- welcome back to "the daily show" with trevor noah with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) this guy is here. so just to bring you up to speed, today we're talking about the zadroga reauthorization act which gives permanent healthcare to first responders injured through their work at ground zero. sounds like a no-brainer. jon, what's holding it up now? >> no brains. there are more than enough senators and representatives who support this to do it. it comes down to the speaker of the house paul ryan of

wisconsin. right now as we speak, the house is still trying to pull money out of the healthcare portion of this bill. i believe when push comes to shove paul ryan is going to do the right thing because ultimately he is still human. (laughter) then there's dr. doom! you could say that. senate majority leader mitch mcconnell. he is the key to getting this done and so far he has been an enormous obstacle, unwilling to move the bill forward for purely political reasons. >> trevor: yeah, but, jon, to pure it's purely political, you would have to have a video of mcconnell supporting or even sponsoring a similar bill granting permanent healthcare for national security-related workers who happen to live in his home state. >> that's a brilliant idea, trevor! roll 212. >> during the cold war, workers at paducah's gas diffusion plant

are patriots who did some of the most dangerous work. >> we found out along the way it was more dangerous than we were made aware of. >> exposure to radiation was making some workers sick. they needed help. >> senator income connell took it on his own to do so much for these people who did so much for the country. the programs wouldn't be here without him. >> i'm mitch mcconnell, i approve this message. >> trevor: this is (bleep) crazy! >> that is correct. and if you're looking for more direct parallels, it gets worse. >> we created the energy employees occupational illness compensation program to ensure that our nation's nuclear workers finally now get the attention they deserve from their government. medical screening is available to all paducah workers so that they may be tested and treated for any illness they contract as a result of working at the plant. >> and rightfully so. and that bill cost more than