[audience ohs] [bleep] >> ouch! [both arguing] [laughs] >> whores. [laughter] hey, remember to follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the show. that's always fun. and make sure you come see me do stand-up live, because if you don't, i will black out tosh.o in your local area. yeah. the nfl isn't the only one hurting. uh, tune in next week for our big halloween show. it's gonna be very scary. see you next week. good night. [applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with

trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. we have a fantastic show for you today. our guest, co-host of "live with kelly and michael," michael strahan is here, everybody! (cheers and applause) yeah! but we begin tonight with guns. can't live with them... can't live without them. i mean, unless, of course, you live in australia or england. (laughter) or italy or japan. anyway, the point -- oh, or denmark or luxembourg. this is so embarrassing, always forget luxembourg. the point, is you can't live without guns because without them life isn't the same because guns can do pretty much anything. you can go hunting, you can combine them with roses --

(laughter) -- and they can even make a raccoon look bad-ass, all of which may explain why in the wake of the san bernardino shooting americans responded in the way that they did. >> at a gun shop less than two miles from the scene of last week's massacre, more than two dozen people were lined up outside when it opened this morning. >> gun legislation front and center which only gets all the people who want guns to run and go get them. >> trevor: well, so -- this is so confusing to me. so people get shot, and so people go out and buy guns. i don't understand why people aren't buying bullet-proof vests. how is that not on the top of everyone's christmas list? i don't understand it! (laughter) i want a vest. that's all i want. i want a vest. now, the reason some people are doing this is because there is a fear that the government is going to take away all the guns, but i don't understand why people think this, you know. why do you think this? because ms. shootings are here to stay.

what makes you think this shooting is the one that's going to start gun control? there have been 26 mass shootings in america just since obama's been in office. i mean, at this point, he gives so many mass shooting speeches he may as well just walk around with a podium as his belt buckle, so he's always ready to go. will(laughter) that's so funny. i mean, if america hasn't banned guns by now, i think gun owners can rest easy. but i get it, many americans feel like they need protection and, for some, the best form of defense is attack. >> the gun range where sayed rizwan farook did some target practice two days before he killed 14 co-workers, business there is up 60% since the attack. (laughter) >> trevor: the shooting range where the terrorist practiced got after 60% increase in business. that's weird logic. people were, like, yeah, yeah,

look, i know they were terrorists, but you can't knock the training. you don't go to the place where the assholes learned their craft! i mean, that's like going to learn from the cobra ki after you watched johnny sweep the leg! that is not cool! you learn from mr. miyagi, and he gives you a vest! (laughter) but not everyone thinks the answer is more guns. some people think the answer is bigger guns. >> after the latest mass shooting in san bernardino, northeastern university announce ago controversial plan to arm campus officers with semi-automatic rifles. >> trevor: hmm... so now, students can go to a place where they live for years eating (bleep)y meals, spending most time sharing a tiny room with a stranger, experimenting with same-sex relationships all the while guards patrolling with

ar-15. you guys have officially turned college into prison. (applause) now, if there is one thing i've learned living in america, this is only one way to stop a bad guy with a gun and, for that, jordan klepper filed this report. >> it seems like every day there is a new mass shooting but turn on the tv and the solution is cristing clear. >> we should arm the good guys. hether in demies or a classroom. >> the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun -- >> is a good guy with a gun. good guy with a gun. one good guy with a gun. is a good guy with a gun. sounds like a foolproof plan. time to do my duty. it's time to become jordan klepper, good guy with a gun! the first thing any good guy with a gun needs is his concealed handgun license which, in obama's new york city is almost impossible to get. luckily, it's super easy in florida. you don't even have to (bleep) live there. you can just mail in an

application and once that gets approved it instantly becomes valid in these 30 states. so all i have to do to qualify for my handgun license is buy a stamp and pass any n.r.a. gun safety course. buckle up, butter cup, daddy's packin'. i've come to the noarnlg firearms academy to practice with cee lo green impersonator chief dickerson. what do we have here? >> we have some handguns. this is a glock model 19. >> which one does this good guy get? >> this one. seriously? this mustard-color toy? >> that is a plastic training gun and we're going to keep it pointing in the same direction as though it were a real firearm. it's called muzzle discipline to know where the muzzle is pointing at all times. >> i don't have muzzle discipline. just want you to know. i'm a wildcard, don'to bay rules. >> you have toio to obey all the

rules when it comes to a firearm. i'm a rule breaker. >> don't break these rules because someone could die or you could become incarcerated. >> teach me how to shoot a gun. chief broke down all the key points of firearm safety like aiming. >> contact on the grip. wrap those around. that's how you aim. >> suck on this metal. not like that. keep the gun just like that. >> can't talk with a gun in your mouth. >> no, not turn the gun sideways. keep the gun vertical, up and down. >> if i hold it like this, can i still say "suck on this piece"? >> no, good guys don't tell bad guys to suck on their piece before they shoot them. >> what do they do? trust me, i know what i'm talking about. then i was ambushed by a grueling written exam, three entire pages, double-sided,

multiple choice. stop fiddling with it. you will break it off. what my mom used to say. the test contained brain busters like true or false, always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction. >> that's a question. pretty much a no-brainer. true. >> yeah. it was tough but, luckily, i had a few bullets up my sleeve. >> you a cher fan, chief? i do not like cher. more for me. only one thing between me, cher and saving american lives, firing an actual, for real-life handgun. turns out i'm a (bleep)ing natural. >> all right. let's see how you did.

>> i was trying to hit him in the dick but you didn't give me a crotch. >> just want to keep the shots in the center of the target. >> make the target bigger so the crotch is in the center. right here is just total crotch. >> right now we're just trying to keep our shots in the center of the target. >> so -- how did i do? good to. go you passed. >> i come back tomorrow, we continue the training? >> if you want to train more, but this is good. >> this is it? you're a good guy with a gun. there you go. >> i knew it! i knew it! i knew it! i had gone from gun idiot to idiot with a gun, licensed to carry a concealed weapon in most to have the country and probably in your state. after eight hours of training, i was ready to handle every crisis situation. >> you're not ready to handle every crisis situation. >> who are you?

find out who this is in part two of jordan klepper, good guy with a gun! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: thank you, coming up, part two of jordan klepper, good guy with a gun right after this! this! (cheers and applause) other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get up to 4 lines with up to 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line, that's 6gb each plus unlimited video streaming with binge on™. stream netlfix, hbo now , hulu and more without using your data. and now unwrap the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and just $10 bucks a month. this year tear into the holidays with t-mobile.

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back. when we left jordan, he was newly licensed to carry a concealed weapon in most of america. hooray! (laughter) now let's see what he does with that license in part two. >> after almost eight entire hours, i'd completed all the training needed to get a concealed handgun license that would be valid in 30 states. >> good job. but now this muscular stranger was telling me i wasn't ready to handle every crisis situation. >> you're not ready to handle every crisis situation. >> who the (bleep) are you? pete blair, director of the alert program. >> alert, or the advanced law enforcement rapid response

training program, has trained over 80,000 cops to respond to active shooter events. so why was this dude trying to jam up on my gun nuts? >> because you've had one day of training. >> i see how it is. you want to take away our guns. >> it wouldn't want to take way anyone's gun but i want to train them. >> 30 states, the n.r.a. and uncle sam all think i'm good to go when it comes to guns. >> how many rounds did you shoot? >> is rounds bullets? yeah. a ton. 10, 20, 30, 50? yeah, and at the paper. i recommend more training. come at me, bro. agreed to test my reflexes. with mu glock 17 modify to shoot paint ball like bullets i'm the good guy with a gun to take him down. >> you need to be ready. it could happen any second. from this point on, need to be ready. >> stop! stop! that was a test run.

i wasn't ready. >> probably not going to be ready for it in real life. >> i get a do-over. i prepared to do battle and got shot again and again and again.. why is that so hard in that was nothing like call of duty. >> i told you it's not that simple. >> yeah but the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. >> that's inaccurate. one out of every five shooter events gets stopped and most are unarmed. >> from hillary pac? no, a report that came out last year from the f.b.i. >> trevor: obama's f.b.i.? it's the f.b.i. >> trevor: you believe the liberal clap trap? >> i co-authored the report. his report proved my good guy with a gun.

>> some cases good guys are able to stop the shooter. >> half? not half. a quarter? no. what percent? about 3%. 3%? but these guys said the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. we must not have enough guns. >> if 97% more people had guns 100% of the time there would be zero% crime. >> not sure how the math works. it goes down, bam, i get sex with cher. >> if you have a gun, we recommend as much training as you can get. >> alert uses this abandoned elementary school to teach law enforcement to respond to active shooter events. their onsite trainers have over 40 years combined experience in military law enforcement. training with these guys, i finally get "enough training." >> there is never enough training. you're never good enough. >> it's not so much a destination. it's a journey. >> but the test nation is

heroville in the state of blow job land. >> huh? it's just, i mean, like, when you're a here o cool -- when yo, cool stuff happens. i have a condo there. should stop by. i'm getting lost in this metaphor. >> yes. after another four and a half hours of training, it's time to show them how it's done. i hear shots fired at an elementary school. police on the way, with innocent civilians inside, i have to draw my concealed handgun and respond. with a high-tech safety helmet to protect my safe. i'm ready. mission accomplished. >> why are you shooting me? ere are the bad guys? there they are! i'm being shot. oh, thank god. the authorities are here. i just hope they know i'm a good guy.

i had failed. you guys need help? i'm a good guy. >> i was shot over 20 times by two different bad guys with guns and the police mistook me for a bad guy and shot me a bunch, too. also i might have shot an unarmed teen twice in the chest. being a good guy with a gun is starting to feel way more complicated than movies and politicians make it seem. >> it's a complicated situation. it requires training. >> who's got time for that much training? >> people who dedicate their lives to protecting others. >> that's it, being a good guy with a gun takes a lifetime of training. we have to figure out who the good guys, are get millions of them to volunteer for training costing billions of dollars and make sure they're in the right place at the right time and place them in all our colleges malls, churches -- you know, america. just do that.

or... >> can we just, i don't know, figure out a way to not put a gun in this asshole's hand? >> it's not my place for that. that's an idea. just try to get this asshole to not have a gun. >> nope, i don't think that's going to happen in our lifetime. >> well, it was worth a shot. at least i can conceal a handgun almost everywhere. sleep tight, america! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: jordan klepper, everybody! we'll be right back!

♪ ♪ ♪

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is an n.f.l. legend who played 15 seasons with the new york giants, co-host of "live with kelly and michael," his new book is called "wake up happy"! please welcome, michael strahan! (cheers and applause) >> ow! >> trevor: that's what you hear when you walk around! ow! you are hurting people with your looks! ow! >> you know what happens, when you get on tv, all of a sudden, you become cute. before, i was, like, why don't he get his teeth fixed? i was that guy. now i'm, like, oh, he's so handsome!

well, thank you. thank you for your blindness. >> trevor: you deserve it. thank you for being on the show. i was on your show. you said you would come on my show. everybody says that but they don't come. you actually came. so thank you. >> no, i love your show. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> you are so funny and good. i'm so happy you got this. this is the hardest seat to fill. i that regis was hard but i think this would be harder. >> trevor: you wake up in the morning and you have to act happy about it. "wake up happy," oh, i see what you did there! (applause) on your show the other day you had donald trump on. >> yes, yesterday. >> trevor: and he made a -- tried to explain a joke about wanting to date his daughter. you guys looked very confused. you didn't know what happened, did you? >> well, some jokes you should

never repeat. (laughter) and if you have to explain it, it probably wasn't a good joke. >> trevor: yeah. and, so, when he said it, i was probably like the people who heard it the first time, like, eh, what did you say? >> trevor: but it was so funny, i saw your face, because i'm not assuming he saw the show but we had evidence to prove that donald trump wants to bang his daughter. (laughter) and, so, when he came on your show, he was -- and your face was, like, did this man just say -- >> it kind of came out of nowhere. donald, what about your campaign? well, that was a joke about my daughter. and i'm, like -- it was a lit connell fusing. >> trevor: i could see it. you played it off well because you're a great host, man. >> thank you, i appreciate it. >> trevor: no, you really are. let's talk about this book. i mean, when people think michael strahan, partly because you're a big, bulky guy you don't think of book writer. >> yeah. >> trevor: yet it was a

fantastic book. this is true, though, muscles and books are not known to associate. i don't know why you are making like i'm insulting him. this is true. >> i'm a big, bulky guy who writes a book. >> trevor: that's what it said on the back. it's an amazing book. i learned so many things about you. i did not know you were raised in germany. >> i'm from houston but moved to germany when i was nine years old (speaking german) >> don't go any further. that's it. (laughter) >> trevor: i could just imagine little mike. because you were fat as well, which makes it oh so much better! (audience reacts) no! in the book, it's the most beautiful story! i just picture this fat little michael -- >> don't make me cry, man! i was not fat, i was just big boned. >> trevor: you said fat in the book. >> that's a misprint. i was big boned! >> trevor: but it really is a beautiful story because it's not just about you as a kid and

growing up. it's almost an inspirational book without it being airy fairy. we start with inspiration and you apply it to your life. getting into kelly and michael, that's another fascinating story to read about in the book because a lot of people don't associate you on a talk show. funny enough, you said that when you were a guest on the show. >> i really was just a walkout guy. we won the super bowl and i guess eli manning wasn't available so they called me. i said, okay, i'll do it. a guest gets a seat. i just kind of walked out and was next to the desk. he said, what are you going to do now that you're retired? i said, oh, i'm on the show now. maybe you will retire and i'll be on michael and kelly. he retired in two years. i hosted it a couple of times because it was fun. next thing you know, they asked me to take the job, and i wondered what the hell was wrong with 'em. >> trevor: you're a modest man, but every day i watch you

and see why. >> thank you, my friend. >> trevor: thank you so much. amazing. (cheers and applause) "wake up happy" is in book stores right now! michael strahan, everybody! with t-mobile and the incredible iphone 6s you can reach more people in more places than before. whether you're at home in the basement on the open road or pulling the late shift at work. you're more connected now because t-mobile doubled its lte coverage in the past year. and our extended range lte goes two times farther than before and is four times better in buildings. get iphone 6s for zero upfront and just five bucks a month. people teso i listen.s without saying one word. then i give it back. what are you chasing? hennessy. never stop. never settle.

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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us next week at 11:00. don't forget to wait up for larry wilmore and the nightly show. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> squishing baby faces. that's what it's all about. we all do it but the trend is sweeping across asia. in asia they're taking it to a new level. they're getting their faces squished into the shape of a rice ball. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org