i'm not looking f... i'm looking forward to having sex again, but sober sex is gonna be weird 'cause i'm gonna be, um, conscious for when you guys (bleep). uh, that's always frightening. did you guys know that you turn into demons when you (bleep)? are you aware of that? is that a thing that you... were conscious of? it scared me the first time it happened-- a lot. i did not see it c... 'cause you're so sweet to us up until that moment. it's just like, "oh, baby..." and then it's just like... (gibbering shout) and i'm like, "whoa! where's scott?! what did you do with scott?!" aah! it's horrifying. (chuckles) it's so sc... then... it-it gets... then you col... then it's just... you collapse on us. and it gets really quiet. and i'm like, (whispering): "the beast is dead. i killed him." but then you reanimate back into your old sel... you're like, "hey, babe."

i'm like, "i've seen the real you! get off!" (shudders) it's so scary. but it's what you do, and it's weird when you think about it 'cause all of us, we're all here right now, like, living right now, because some dude once went like... (gibbering shout) isn't that weird? have you ever thought about that? all of us. because some dude... i know. and by some dude, i mean your father. thank you, guys, very much. i'm nikki glaser. thank you. captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wghb.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, peter bergen is going us, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first -- but first, obviously, we have to talk about last night. the iowa caucus, after a year of waiting, after all that build up, people finally voted. guess what? donald trump didn't win! (cheers and applause) yeah! but ted cruz did! (audience reacts) oh, i thought you guys would be happen p pi about that. ah. also, bernie sanders won! (cheers and applause) yeah, but not as much as hillary clinton! (cheers and applause) it's such a weird thing. so they both won, and he sort of didn't. i guess they awarded it to her, which means she can lose in

november to ted cruz, that's what that means, i think. i have to say, american elections are super fun. this is my first time watching the iowa caucus. after hearing about how sophisticated american democracy is, it was nice to see the process for the first time, because wow... >> last call for the ballots. they stuffed them all into these popcorn ballots. i can't tell you how exciting this is. they're counting deliberately. they're pausing each other to register the count. >> trevor: how obsessed are americans with food? you put your votes in popcorn containers? why do you have containers lying around? at what point do you admit you have a problem? i don't understand. they're writing down votes on pieces of paper. the fate of the world relies on one guy not sneezing. ted cruz! achu! i guess. last night was an epic event, a great night for the democrats

because they were treated to not one but two victory speeches. >> so as i stand here tonight, breathing a big sigh of relief, thank you, iowa! (cheers and applause) >> what iowa has begun tonight is a political revolution. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: oh! watch out, people! party bernie is on the loose! whoo! (laughter) see him singing at his afterparty -- i can't feel my face when i'm with you! and i'm going to see a neuroscientist about this! something's wrong, i think it's a condition. (laughter) so it was technically tied but, in tend, hillary was narrowly awarded the win. it was so close in several precincts hear's how they had to decide the winner. >> in half a dozen precincts the winner had to be determined by a coin toss. >> tails.

hillary clinton (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> trevor: bernie was right... i guess money does decide elections. (applause) it's crazy to me. it's insane that part of such a big process is decided the same way americans decide who gets to kick first in the super bowl. that's, like, at least have them roll the dice, make it interesting. wouldn't it be fun to see hillary with the dice -- come on! no snake eyes! no snake eyes! come on, no snake eyes! (laughter) so on the numbers, hillary won and bernie lost in iowa. that's what they say. just like in the alphabets, numbers don't mean (bleep). >> hillary clinton officially declared the winner today by the iowa democratic party. >> hard to call it a win certainly for hillary clinton who was up by so much, you know, for so long. >> this was not a victory for hillary clinton. >> a tie was a win for bernie sanders in iowa last night. >> bernie sanders won this with momentum moving forward.

>> trevor: what? he lost but won it with momentum moving forward? that sounds like something my uncle says when he plays the lottery. yeah, trevor, i didn't pick the right numbers, but now i have the momentum moving forward! (applause) the democratic race last night was so close that some news outlets didn't even report it as a hillary win until the next day. but that didn't stop hillary from pre-maturely declaring herself a winner. >> the clinton campaign, an official tells me they are declaring victory over bernie sanders. they say it is close. obviously, we don't have the numbers to back it up. >> trevor: that is not cool, hillary. you can't call yourself the iowa caucus winner before the numbers are in. it's not like riding shotgun. it's like hillary pulled an ariana grande and liquid all the ballots -- yeah, well, the saliva is on these so they're mine! hillary could learn a thing or two about class and humanity and

she could learn that from donald trump. (audience reacts) >> we finished second, and i want to tell you something, i'm just honored. i'm really honored. and i want to congratulate ted and i want to congratulate all the incredible candidates. i want to thank all the folks who worked with us. we had a great time and we will continue to have a great team and we're just so happy with the way everything worked out. >> trevor: you were waiting for the joke, weren't you? (laughter) yeah, there is no joke. donald trump was gracious in defeat. and all of us were waiting for the big meltdown. it was like watching a porn where the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves. (laughter) so, with trump not making a spectacle of himself, all that was left to do on the republican side is watch ted cruz's long-ass victory speech, which is still going on (laughter) seriously. in fact, i've heard it said long after the apocalypse, there will be only two things remaining --

cockroaches and ted cruz's speech. and then the cockroaches will sil that. there were a few highlights in ted cruz's speech. he revealed the real secret of his success. >> tonight is a victory for courageous conservatives across iowa and across this great nation. do you know what scares the washington cartel? actually, not remotely. i don't scare them in the tiniest bit. what scares them is you. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> trevor: well, cruz is right. look at it this way -- i'm scared of michael myers from the halloween movies, but if there was a room of people that supported michael myers, i would be way more afraid of those people. (applause)

ted cruz wasn't all about fear. he also showed gratitude to his maker. >> and to my dad, a man who came from cuba -- i love you dad. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: i love you dad. which is why i'm president it's going to be so hard for me to deport you and all your friends. (laughter) also doing well last night was marco rubio who thought his third-place finish earned him a victory speech. >> for months they told us we had no chance. they told us because we offered too much optimism in the time of anger we had no chance, because my hair wasn't grey enough and my boots were too high -- (laughter) >> trevor: oh, i don't think they said that because i don't know if that's why you have no chance because of the boots. i think it's because you only show up to work about two-thirds of the time and also you've missed more votes than any other senator and tried to pass immigration reform and bailed point when it got tough and you

pretended you never did and used the g.o.p. credit card to spend 20-grand on personal expenses but, yeah, probably your boots didn't help. yeah, that's probably what it is. (applause) so just like with the democrats, the winner was not the candidate who won. >> well, ted cruz may have officially won the iowa caucuses, but many are declaring marco rubio the real viktor last night. >> marco rubio shattered expectations. >> he has momentum as he moves on to new hampshire. >> trevor: again, momentum. help me understand what the hell is going on. let's go to des moines, iowa with our seen your political analyst jordan klepper, everyone! (cheers and applause) jordan, help us out here. what are we missing? >> jordan: trevor, last night was full of surprises, but when the dust settled, there was one big victor. >> trevor: marco rubio or ted cruz? >> not ted cruz definitely, he won by 4 points, a terrible

night for him. >> trevor: he came in first place. >> which was the worst thing that could happen for him. running for president is managing expectations while building momentum. supposed to be a marathon. don't want to sprint to the finish line right away, you will pile in a hype heap in your own shredded nipples. and then you won't be a famous marathoner like -- uh, michael phelps. >> trevor: so in this marathon, donald trump coming in second is actually the best. >> trump? oh, god, no. trump being humble is something no one wants to see. it's like walking in on your dad jerking off. >> trevor: now i've got that image. okay. got it. so second place is also failure. so that means bernie sanders must be very disappointed. >> are you kidding? he did almost as well as hillary clinton. that's a huge victory. >> trevor: hillary did good then? >> no, almost as bad as bernie sanders. that's a huge loss. >> trevor: but she won. exactly, he lost.

she better prays she loses in new hampshire so she can get back on top like marco rubio. >> trevor: but marco rubio came in third. >> which is a republican first snoo is this a riddle? you know how i feel about riddles. >> yeah, they're witchcraft, i ged it. >> trevor: so even though rubio came in third he's the republican winner? >> yes, but now he's a loser because he will be a target in new hampshire's debate. he would be wetting his pants if he wasn't so dehydrated. >> trevor: if doing bad is good and good is bad, jeb bush must have done amazing last night. >> no, jeb can't do good or bad anymore. he can only do jeb, which is like bad but worse. >> trevor: but, jordan, you said there was a hug huge victot the caucus last night. >> yes, my friend. he's a tall guy named victor (laughter)

>> trevor: jordan, you're not helping. i'm more confused. >> don't be. it's simple. rubio needs to come in second in the second primary, better than being third in the first. hillary comes in second by tees her up to be first n the third and trump is first which isn't first in the top of the last. >> trevor: and someone wins the presidency. >> and that person is the real lose snore joran jorda jordan. >> trevor: jordan klepper, everyone. everyone. we'll be right back. what's that, broheim? i switched to geico and got more. more savings on car insurance? yeah bro-fessor, and more. like renters insurance. more ways to save. nice, bro-tato chip. that's not all, bro-tein shake. geico has motorcycle and rv insurance, too. oh, that's a lot more. oh yeah, i'm all about more, teddy brosevelt.

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back, everyone. you know, when i was hired to take over the "the daily show," a lot of people were surprised at a south african getting the job. but the truth is america has had a long history of bringing over people from africa. that's right. i hope i'm not the first to tell you, but america used to have slaves, you see. there were all these black people who worked really hard

for free because they had to. eventually, they were set free and, obviously, today in honor of that day in black history month we shine a spotlight on the document that got the ball rolling. the emancipation proclamation. one of the three most important things students learn about during black history month. they have martin luther king, jr. and tupac. even though the emancipation proclamation freed the slaves, it didn't actually free all the slaves as some of the slaves found out the hard way which we see in this recently discovered "the daily show" archival footage. >> so, fellas, big news. i just received this telegram from the white house. lincoln has freed the slaves. >> oh! my goodness! hell, yeah, we kept god first now we have our freedom. >> one thing you should know about. >> shut yo ass up. we're done. i'm tired of this field, that

shack and your white face. you're lucky we don't just (bleep) you up right now. >> that hardly seems necessary. you know what i did yesterday? i looked at your wire. didn't say nothing to her, but i looked long and hard at her, master. why am i calling you master? what's your real name? >> charles. i got in her drawers, charles! i was all up in your wife's drawers. you know what else she taught me to do? read. a, b, c, d, e, f, g, we is done with slavery. >> there is a small technicality. lincolnle only freed slaves in rebel states where in kentucky it's a border state but slavery is still legal, lincoln didn't apply the proclamation to you. ergo, you are all still slaves. >> lincoln only freed them in the confederate slaves? he has no jurisdiction there!

he is the absolute worst! >> i agree with that. about that reading thing. no, we don't read! >> trevor: i smell as on case nod. we'll be right back.

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new book is called united states of jihad, investigating america's home-grown terrorists. please welcome, peter bergen, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ thank you so much for being here. let's start at the top. what a great title, "united states of jihad." home-grown terror. makes it sound so wholesome. (laughter) makes it sound like something you would find in whole foods or something. >> not that wholesome. >> trevor: what does home-grown terror mean for people who want to get into this book. it's really fascinating. >> americans attracted to jihadi groups. we, my research team, assembled a database in the foundation we work in america, 300 cases. we found four out of five of the cases were american citizens or residents. this is an american phenomenon and it's strange a decade and a half after 9/11 the american citizens are still signing up

for these ideas, after all they're anti-american groups. >> trevor: what's mind-blowing is you see people all the time talking about you need to stop people from coming in because that's how you stop the terrorists. >> yeah. >> trevor: but when you read this book you realize a lot of the terrorists are in because they're from here. >> they're as american as anyone watching this program. not as american as you. >> trevor: because i'm not american. i'm not a terrorist. thank you. (laughter) that is such an evil laugh! oh, my word! that is such an evil laugh! i love it! but this is insane, though. it goes counter to everything that everybody believes. >> yeah. >> trevor: so these people are being radicalized. the craziest thing, is in the book, you talk about the fact it's being done online. >> of course. the internet was an american invention and in a sense used by these groups that are very american like i.s.i.s. which are recruiting a large number of

americans to i.s.i.s.'s claims of utopia. >> trevor: i haven't been to syria but america looks a lot nicer. >> yeah. >> trevor: how do they get people to join and be part of that madness? >> well, they claim i.s.i.s. is creating this perfect islamic you taupia that this is the caliphate, that basically everybody, some people are going there to get married. we were seeing quite a lot of females going from europe and some from the united states and they think they're going to meet the man of their dreams there. >> trevor: the jihattis. yes. >> trevor: i'm not making that up. we've done research on it. an insane story. what i find intriguing is you talk about these are middle class people. you think of terrorism coming from places where things aren't going well. but these are middle class citizens who seem like everything is good and then -- >> well look at the san bernardino couple.

he had a good job, they had a kid, living the american dream and, yet, they decided to kill 14 of his co-workers. >> trevor: when looking at all of the data and all of the information, grau home-grown terror is a thing. what's scary, though, is the lengths people are going to try and prevent terrorism from happening because you say something very interesting in the book and that is america is doing a very good job of managing the terror. it's very interesting you say managing as opposed to eliminating. >> yeah, managing, containing, that's all we can really hope for because terrorism as a tactic has been around since the dawn of time. if we had had this conversation in 2002 and we said only 45 americans would have been killed by jihadi terrorists in the united states in the next decade and a half and that was the actual number that would have seemed optimistic. but each was a tragedy. this isn't like 9/11. we've done a good job of making

the country a hard target. >> trevor: why is it still so scary? you hear people in debates and many candidates saying this is the number one threat to america and yet the numbers don't seem to back it up. >> it's an irrational fear but a lot of americans are afraid of terrorism. this is not part of our brain that -- you know, fear is a very frontal part of our emotional sort of makeup and, you know, americans are very concerned about this because of the recent terrorist attacks in california and in paris and, of course, in the republican campaign it's been a big issue. >> trevor: it makes the news is the most important thing. more people are dying from, let's say, the flu, but that's a boring thing. >> you're five times more likely to be killed by an american with a gun nan a jihadist in the united states. these are the really big issues we should be focused on. >> trevor: a lot of people use your statistics to talk about whether or not jihadi terrorism is more of a concern than gun violence in america.

do you think one should be prioritized over the other or is this a situation where you're going the two are both bad things but one is not as bad as it seems? >> well, i think that that's right. look, the second amendment, america is a very exceptional country. in western industrial democracy we are killing people with guns at a rate that's very unusual. if you're not comfortable with it, try and change things. a very interesting thing -- the congress would not pass a bill which would prevent people on the no-fly list who are deemed to be a terrorist from acquiring automatic weapons. that is so insane. that shows the extent. >> trevor: no, that's not insane... (laughter) if you can't fly, you need a gun. that makes perfect sense. (laughter) i wish we had your laugh in the book. that is such a fascinating

story, i really, really do recommend people go out and read the book. it is so intriguing. "united states of jihad" is in the book stores now. the documentary based on the home-ground, the court terror dilemma will premiere on hbo monday. peter bergen, everybody! (cheers a uhh, this place is the worst. he said he had a big screen. i can't see. dip-etizer coming in hot. spicy queso, delicious.

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and expand their territory. he'd form a bond with a wolf named accalia... ...become den mother and nurse their young. james left in search of his next adventure. how far will you take the all-new rav4 hybrid? toyota. let's go places. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight! now here it is... your moment of zen. >> it should be noted the democratic race right now is so tight you could bounce a dime off of it. >> wow! >> larry: tonightly, the iowa caucus results set up a three-way race between ted cruz, donald trump, and m