but you know, i've learned that i've really been a dude all along, because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. if you can't have babies, then you're a man. - whoa, uh, wait. hang on a second. my wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies. - well, then get an aids test, thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot. yeah, i'm back! [mouse squeaking] captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. we have a great show for you

tonight. democratic new jersey senator corey booker is here. (applause). >> trevor: and he is going to tell us how to unite america. timely! but first, man, it feels so good to be back. because we have been gone for a week and while we were gone, look at all the [bleep] that happened? the supreme court justice died, ted cruz made an ad with a porn star. apple joined isis, and those are stories that don't even involve donald trump. because in one week alone, donald trump fought with the pope, blamed george bush for 9/11, and then he said he would stop terrorism by shooting muslims with bullets dipped in pig's blood. for real. this is what he said. and then finally, finally, last saturday, south carolina voters were like stop. we had heard enough. you should be our president. >> record voter turnout lifted

trump to a big win in saturday's south carolina primary. he beat marco rubio by 11 points, ted cruz was a very close third. >> a smashing victory for donald trump. he won across the state. >> no republicans won both new hampshire and south carolina has ever lost the nomination. >> trevor: just take a second to think about that. because this is true, people. donald trump, unless something unprecedented happens, is going to be the republican nominee. once again, to his ears, those are cheers. now because of the two crucial demographics that those two states represent, the way they vote is a good predicter of the rest of the campaign. it's like if you eat at a chipotle downtown and then you eat at one midtown, you get a pretty good sense of what fake mexican food tastes like. you also probably have diarrhea. the point is, i have diarrhea.

angry once again, trump was magazine nan mus in victory. but still trump. >> i want to also congratulate the other candidates, in particular i have to say, ted and marco did a really good job. there's nothing easy about running for president, i can tell you. it's tough, it's nasty, it's mean, it's vicious. it's beautiful. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? where did that come from? only trump could describe democracy in a way that also sounds like he's sexually harassing it. that is what he sounds like he's talking about. i love how halfway threw he turned on the presidential race. he realized his descriptions for the presidential race is a metaphor for himself, it's tough, it's nasty, its mean, it's vicious, i mean it's beautiful, it's busm, it's me. the thing is donald trump is most likely the republican nominee i guess we should start getting to know his family. >> melania, say something. >> i just want to say an amazing

place, south carolina. congratulation to my husband. he was working very hard. and he loves you. >> trevor: hold on. trump's wife speaks immigrant? (laughter) (cheers and applause) i mean no, no, don't get me wrong, don't get me yong wrong, i'm fine with that, i'm an immigrant. but you know who seemed like on paper would not be fine with this? donald trump! dorch ald trump is extremely lucky that he isn't running against donald trump. cuz imagine what he would be saying about himself. he would be like they come in here, they're stealing our men. yeah, they're stealing all other men, women from slovenia, can you even be president if your wife wasn't born here. i don't know, i'm just asking. i'm just asking. it's just a question. i'm just asking. (applause) but i'm really sorry to say that saturday night ended on a very

sad note. you know a wise man once said if you love somebody, set them free. and saturday night people of south carolina, they did just that. >> the people of iowa and new hampshire and south carolina have spoken. and i really respect their decision. so tonight i am suspending my campaign. >> yeah, yup. (laughter). >> trevor: ah, jeb, his campaign died as it lived. standing in an awkward silence. (laughter) trying not to cry. you know what's so sad about this? we've gotten so used to jeb failing, that we've all forgotten that less than a year ago everyone thought that he was too bush to fail. >> my prediction is that jeb bush is going to be the nominee. >> is he among the bookies favorites to win the nomination. >> whatever jeb bush's faults are, he is either the

frontrunner or the number two guy. >> there's no question that jeb bush will win the presidency, running against mr. trump. >> trevor: yeah, last time someone got a prediction that wrong was when they said by 2016 we would all be riding hoverboards. and yet all we have are those rolling imussable douche char yots. those are not hovering. they roll on the ground. it's the floor, it's not hover. so bush came in as the favorite and then his team spent $130 million. which included 84 million dollars on ads, and more than 10 million dollars on-- what kind of advice could they have exroid d $10 million whack were they saying. hey, jeb, you're out of money. so you should probably drop out. good advice. or, or maybe, or maybe they taught him how to pump up a crowd. >> we're prepared to act in the national security interests of this country, to get back in the

business of creating a more peaceful world. please clap. (laughter). >> trevor: poor jeb. he's sound popular he couldn't even get the clap. but-- (laughter). >> trevor: as always, jeb bush was gracious in defeat. unless you were reading our subtext translator. >> in a government of the people by the people and for the people, we elect a president like us in perfect under god's watchful eye. i have had a front row seat to this office for most of my adult life. i've seen fall i believe men rise up to the challenges of our times with humility. >> trevor: no, no, we're just kidding. don't actually be sorry for jeb bush. this is my favorite part of jb bush's campaign ever because he is not sorry for himself. in fact, now that he is out of the race, he has plans.

>> no matter what the future holds here is the greatest landing if you can imagine, tonight i'm going to sleep with the best friend i have and the love of my life. >> ah. so sweet. your wife is your safety landing. how romantic. can we just take a second to acknowledge this, did jeb think he wasn't allowed to have sksz with his wife during the campaign? why did he say-- well, tonight now i'm going to have sex who told him he wasn't allowed to have sex? it sounds like a prank that your brother would-- oh. oh, nicely played, nicely played. like yeah, in 2 thousand the only thing i [bleep] was a honey do melon. well, you know what, i know i'm not the only one sad to see jeb bush go. we actually have footage of his supporters who watched him as he

chose to term nature his campaign. >> please clap. (applause). >> trevor: we'll be back. every day you read headlines about businesses being hacked and intellectual property being stolen.

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>> trevor: welcome back to the show. you know, this presidential campaign has been the craziest one in memory. but here's the thing. yes, americans are losing because americans are going, this election sin sain. but trust me, trust me on this, it could be worse. and it is worse-- (laughter). >> trevor: in uganda. in fact, that is nair national moto. -- their national moto. you see, you see, last week you

begana hell its presidential election. and the incumbent's president yow we arey museveni was elected to his sixth term in office to break it down, this guy has been in power since 1986. just think about that, he's been in office for 30 years. like in the you beganan version of back to the future, whenever doc brown asked marty who is the president. marty goes it's the same guy. it's the same, he is a dictator. it is the same guy. now even though he won, this was the toughest chal enmuseveni ever faced. here is the crazy thing about this election. his main opponent. museveni is currently facing a serious challenge to his presidency where his main challenger is his former personal doctor kizza we significantie. >> trevor: i can't think of anything anyone that would be worse to run against than your own personal doctor. he knows everything about you. is he going to be the worst

attack ad ever. >> the president is corrupt, he abuses his power. and just between you and me, he has a rash on his scrotum that we can't seem to get rid of. we have tried many ointments but the rash does not disappear. (laughter) now speaking of donald trump-- (laughter) he has done so well despite putting in so little effort. but in uganda, presidential candidates put even less effort. check out kizza kizza besigye, is he campaigning wile sitk on top of a couch on top of a car. you know when you are on the couch and you are at home and you're like hmmmm, i'm hungry but i don't want to get up and go to the kitchen. that is what this guy did while running for president. he is sitting on top of a couch on top of a car. honestly, like for uganda, that

is the most american thing i've ever seen in my life. the only thing that would make it even more american is if he was going through the drive thru at wendys at the same time that is the only thing. now the ugandan elections were littered with fraud. the president shutd down social media because it was benefiting the other candidates and remember the president's main opponent, his personal doctor, he was arrested four times during election week. and on election day itself, it just so happened that his stronghold didn't receive ballots until it was too late. >> they were forced to shoot fear gas at voters impatient with lack of ballot papers. >> some voters waited more than five hours because ballots had not been delivered. >> we came as early as 6:00 in the morning, okay. and we've been here. they are six hours late. >> trevor: six hours late. even time warner cable is like damn! (laughter) i mean america has its problems when it comes to ballots but at

least americans get their ballots. ugandans would kill for hanging chads. oh, it takes some dude named chad as long as he had some ballots with imhad. anyway, the point is obviously president museveni was easily re-elected and with donald trump also winning over the weekend, we thought you know what, given the choice between the two power-hungry maniacs who would voters prefer. so we actually asked some of our friends in uganda to talk to their people in the street and ask who would they choose, trump or dictator museveni. >> donald trump or museveni, who would i vote for. >> on a heuer entertainment value, donald trump. >> trump is a serious radical. >> i don't think ugandans would put up with donald trump and his terrible hair. >> i have an uncle who is donald trump, a loose canon. one thing i know, he talks a lot. then he took on the pope. and usually what we do at family gatherings is just give him a bit of alcohol and will say all this nonsense that will excite us. i say give him a chance.

>> that would be like asking a muslim if they would have bacon or ham, sto make it simple, give me a rope, i will go hang myself. >> trevor: wow. someone doesn't want to make uganda great again. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) cheese in the shell. this is gonna be bigger than drones. it's gonna be bigger than mars landings! cheese in the shell. this is gonna be bigger than james harden's beard. this is gonna be bigger than those things.

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quheers plaws. >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is united states senator representing the state of new jersey. he's his new book is called

"united." please welcome senator corey booker. (applause) they love you, corey. they love you. >> very nice to be greeted that way. >> trevor: the people do love you though. >> i don't know about that. but i love-- . >> trevor: but you seem very handsome and likable. that's not a question. i was just putting it out there. >> i will accept that. thank you very much. >> trevor: thank you very much, thank you for being here. i know you are a very busy man. your book is intriguing. it is called "united." and the full title is united, thoughts on finding common ground and advancing the common good. are you really from new jersey? >> i definitely am a jersey boy. the reality is i come from a state that is incredibly diverse. >> trevor: yes. >> i'm the first

african-american ever elected from our state. and i think it's the kind of thing where we recognize-- (applause) >> yup, i think we recognize our diversity but we have found ways to work together across the lines. and i'm very proud of my state. >> do you think that is something that you can trfers, i mean on the national level. because everyone says in their state people go e oh, no, i find a way to work together. bernie sanders says i can fine a way for us to cross over the aisle. but there seems to be a wall dividing both sides right now. >> i think that is a challenge i try to talk about in the book. even in new jersey there are a lot of lines that have separated folks from urban to suburban. we fill our very segregated state in america, as many states are. and we've got to start working what i think is called courageous empathy, beginning to see each other. and if we root that as another great president said, a house divided can't stand. if we lose our able to see each other, to know each other to know we are each other's greatest hope and challenge, we will weaken.

to celebrate those divisions, celebrate the-- to celebrate the demeaning of other people does nothing but weaken the important ideals. >> trevor: how do you find that. because some people go, in order for me to be on the opposite side to you, i have to hate you. people treat politics like sports right now, and just cheer for their team and they hate the opposing team. how do you bridge that gap? i have heard stories of you being one of the most affable people in the senate, corey, i heard you even talk to ted cruz. (laughter) >> i have broken bread with him. we have legislation passed together. and i think what we have to get out-- . >> trevor: you can't just skip over that. you talk to ted cruz? >> i think-- . >> trevor: like what do you say to ted cruz? >> you recognize that your differences matter but your country matters more. and you don't demonize each other. >> trevor: so if you done-- like can you say nice things about ted cruz?

no you are just the first person, i will-- here, i have got a little jar here. what we'll do is i will put a dollar in the jar every time you say something nice about ted cruz. >> sure. obviously ted and tom both have the same last name. and that's a factor i love. (laughter) >> come on, show me the money. i can keep going. ted cruz married a vegetarian. i'm a vegan. i like that. >> you got to gich me that dollar, man. are you allowed to give campaign contributions? >> trevor: we're a corporation. we'll hide that. don't worry. i till have $3. >> my points is, but you said it right, we tend to think in order to be strong you have to be mean. in order to be tough you have to be cruel. but that's just not the case.

we are a country that likes to talk about patriotism, but often it is used as a sword to say hey, i'm more patriotic than you. >> trevor: yes. >> if you break down what patriotism means, it means love of country. an to love your country you've got to love your country men and women. love everyone. and love seems like a soft word but i prepare against tolerance because that's held up as some kind of ideal in this country that we tolerate each other. that is a cynical state of being. it says if you disappear frlt face of the worse, i'm no better or worse off. love says i recognize that you have worth and value and that i need you. and so there is an old saying that says if you want to go fast, go alone. if you want to go far, go together. >> trevor: yes. >> we're a nation that has to recognize-- that we need each other to go far. >> trevor: so let's talk about the supreme court. now obviously justice scalia passed away. and the replacement conversation comes up. should president obama be allowed to nominate a new justice. now it seems like it's an obvious choice and yet the

republicans without him even making a decision have said they will dispute any decision. how does that help the country? >> well, first of all, there is a little irony to this, scalia was an originalist. that means he focused on the text of the constitution. so if you read article 2 section 2 of the constitution, it doesn't say that the president can or the president may or the president, if he's not in his last year nominate a judge. it says the president shall nominate. and that means that he has no choice in the matter. (applause) >> so despite to try to polit size and say the president shouldn't do, this he should just wait is really a violation of our constitution. >> trevor: someone said amen. >> it is a spirit all. let's pass a collection plate. >> trevor: your name was actually put forward. >> i sent that right to my mom. hey, mom, look at me. my mom has a saying that behind every successful child is an

astonished parent. and my mom still wonders t is the kid i couldn't get to make up his bed and he is the united states senator now. look, it's nice but the wonderful thing i like is i have a sixth year ternlings i don't have to focus on those things. i love my job and i want to try to show that as much as there is cynicism about our government and politics, that it is worth the fight. i think cynicism is a refuge for cow ards, people want to say i can't make any dirves so i am not going to get involved. king said that the problem today that we have to repent for is not vitriolic words or violent actions of bad people but the silence an indifference of the good people. we need good people engaged in our civic spaces especially when there are so many important things going on. like is being decided in this presidential election or state elections or even our school board elections. the challenge with our democracy isn't the people that you don't like what they say, the challenge with the democracy is we're not calling to the moral imagination of this i c and getting more people involved. >> trevor: we're going to chat more about that. for the people watching on trk v right now, united is available in book stores now. we're going to be talking more on the web.

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♪pepsi cola >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. >> donald trump was on work we, but the man did look like a wrestler. the suit with a faing wig. because not a real wig, but just what i mean, his hair piece looks very off, like somebody had just killed a come bat and through it on his head. ♪